Christmas In Heaven

I haven't been very festive this holiday season and rightly so. We have a tree in our home decorated and presents beneath the tree. And this year is just not the same. I cleaned out J's office last week tearing apart the place in search of the kids birth certificates and found gifts that J had bought to give to me along with an anniversary card because our anniversary is just 2 weeks after Christmas. That was rough. And when I think about how J won't be there on Christmas morning to see C freak out over his Christmas gifts or K being able to open her gifts on her own for the first time. Seeing J sit there with the video camera just taking it all in it makes my heart ache a little. And then I remember he will be there, just taking it all in, in a different way. And I know he will be just as happy. He doesn't want me or anyone else to be sad that he isn't around. That he couldn't physically be here. I found this and thought it was more than I would know what to say and as I read it I thought of J and that he would be saying this, thinking this:

My heart is always with you.
I know you are sad because we are not together this Christmas.
But always know that my love for you never left.
We will always be apart of each other.
Think of me in everything you do...
and everything I loved about the holiday.
Remember that you substantiate my life...
by the way you live yours.
Hold onto the good memories...
and to all of God's promises.
I'll always feel your love for me....
The love that was the foundation for our family.
My friends and family were always very important to me...
I pray you will stay close to each other.
Life is too short for strife and unforgiveness...
love each other... it will keep you strong....
Remember the faith of your youth...
And that Jesus is the Reason for the Season.
I'm spending my Christmas in Heaven this year,
but, I will also be in your heart....
We WILL meet again one day...
we will embrace, laugh and rejoice together...
There is no sadness here.
So until we meet again....
MERRY CHRISTMAS
from HEAVEN
I Love You

May you all feel the love of Christ this holiday season. And as you sit there with your loved ones may you feel the peace and comfort of those who have passed on and are spending their Christmas in Heaven. Remember they love you just as much today as the day they left this earth. And with that being said, I know that it will be a good Christmas because even though J isn't here with us. He's hear in our hearts and always will be.

Life Changes In An Instant

Its funny how life can be changed in an instant. We go living our lives day to day planning out the big important details of maybe a big vacation that we want to take or that big household item that we want to purchase. But we never sit down and take the time to think about the little details. The details that may someday forever change our lives. You know the little annoying ones like whos name is on the phone bill. I've found that these little details of life have turned into huge details, obstacles thrown in my path, just another thing I have to do. Another person I have to call, more paper work to fill out. Death certificates to be sent out. No one should ever have to go through what I'm going through. The loss is hard, but I manage day by day and get on with my life. I miss J but I've learned a lot. Stuff that I'd want to pass on to other people just in case. You know cause you can always plan the big details in life, but you never know when something you didn't plan for is going to happen. *Take time to sit down with your spouse, your significant other, whoever is going to be there if something should happen to you. Take the time to make sure that you both know where you stand, *passwords to everything. Both of you should know. Write them down keep them in a safe or a safety deposit box, make sure you know the code or where the keys are. *Both names on accounts. Something as simple as a phone bill can soon become something more complicated than you would think when that only person who's name is on the bill is no longer around. When you have to make changes to it and you can't you find more paperwork you don't want to fill out and your list every growing of places to call because your name wasn't on that account. *Birth certificates and social security numbers, important documents that you may need to have make sure these things are all in a safe place and that you both know where they are and how to get copies if need be. *Know what credit cards are out there. *Be sure that both of you know how to pay the bills, know the ins and outs of your banking. I know this is easier said than done but trust me, if you are ever thrown into a situation where something happens to one, say they get really sick and can't take care of that stuff, you should be able to step right in there and know what is going on and not even have to bat an eye at it. You will be able to pick up the slack with out a problem. *Have a living will, make one if you haven't. Make sure it has your basic wishes in it. Maybe write what things you'd want at your funeral. I know it sounds strange to think that way but I know, knowing a couple of things that J wanted at his made it that much easier on me. * If you have kids, make sure you have someone in mind of who they would be with if something should happen. Make sure the kids know, and have it in writing. * Get life insurance. I don't care how young you think you are, you are not invisible. It isn't that much to get a decent amount at least enough to pay off a house and cars. It could be as little as $20-$30 a month. This maybe hard for some to think about paying out every month but believe me in the long run if you do have life insurance your family will be taken care of. That goes for the man & woman. Both of you should have it. *If you back up things such as photos, both should know how to do it and where these things are kept. J was my computer guru and I am at a total loss. I find myself trying to teach myself how to do something like backing up all my photos and I haven't the slightest clue to what he's done on certain things.
I've been thinking about all this for a little while now as these things have come up and I think to myself, I never would have thought about these things, never thought that not having my name on the phone bill would be such a big deal. Actually I didn't even know my name wasn't on it. I assumed it was... Don't assume ASK! I know that not everyone is ever gonna be put in a situation as me. But, it doesn't hurt to be prepared now for the future. You may be 80+ years old before you have to deal with losing a spouse, but just think of how much easier it will be to deal with their affairs if you know what is going on right now. Thank you for the continued love and support for me and my kids. We feel your love and prayers everyday. We tend to keep busy, but busy is good. Busy doesn't keep the heart from aching but its a reminder that life goes on and sometimes when I'm driving here or there I like to think that J's sitting next to me in the car. Enjoying the ride....

1000 Miles

I sat in bed the other night just looking at J's side of the bed wishing he was there. I felt sad, I sat there not able to take my eyes off his side. And then I thought of this song that I hear on the radio from time to time and its taken on a whole new meaning to me. I turned out the light and rolled over to go to sleep when I had this overwhelming feeling that J was there. Lying next to me. It startled me at first and I rolled over trying to calm my heart. For a moment J was there with me. Almost to let me know that it was ok... and that he was thinking of me too. Sometimes that's all I need... I wish he could just hold me but that's all in due time. Someday that will be the case, but until then I'll take any visit even if it does startle me a little.

Makin' my way downtown,
Walkin' fast,
Faces pass and I'm homebound.

Starin' blankly ahead,
Just makin' my way,
Makin' a way through the crowd.

And I need you,
And I miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time
would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
Tonight.

It's always times like these
When I think of you,
And wonder if you ever think of me.

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong.
Livin' in your precious memory.

'Cause I need you,
And I miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time
would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
Tonight.

I, don't wanna let you know
I, drown in your memory.
I, don't wanna let this go.
I, don't.
...........
If I could just hold you....

Tonight.

A Band Aid Isn't Going to Fix This

As a parent you never want your child to feel pain or be sad. You always want to be able to kiss them better put a band aid on the wound and things will be better. You want to be able to fix their heartache take it away. Last night at 11pm C came down stairs for the 6th or 7th time that night crying and saying he missed his dad. I didn't know what to do or say except take him back to bed and tell him I didn't know what to do. I can't fix this. I can't bring dad back. I don't want to do this all by myself. And when his only response is "When Dad comes back alive he can come home and live with us again" what do you say other than, you know but that's going to be a really long time. I told him I loved him, hugged him and left. There wasn't anything I could do. Reality was I couldn't fix this. I can't fix his broken heart and I certainly can't fix mine. And the fact of the matter is that no matter how many people love and support you, no one can fix the hurt you have because you no longer have that husband, father and best friend. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but too often I feel like time just opens a new wound. Maybe one I didn't know was there. Time is supposed to make things easier and although somethings have become easier loosing my best friend is something that has gotten harder to deal with.

1 Month Has Past/ 1 Month Closer

Yesterday marked the one month since J passed away. Time has gone by so quickly, yet so slow at the same time. It seems longer. I moved C back to his own room last night for the first time since J had left for the hospital. I thought he would throw a fit but he thought it was pretty cool that I let him have my old ipod and his dad's docking station to listen to music as he went to sleep. He snuggled under J's quilt that C has always loved and seemed to be ok with going to sleep. Shortly after he came down the stair crying saying he missed his dad. He does this almost every other night. Partly because he does miss his dad and the other part to tug at my heartstrings and get me to let him stay up. Times like that I just don't know how to fix it. I wish J could just show up and wrap his arms around C and tell him it was going to be ok. We said prayers and asked if J could come visit C. I told him to just talk to his dad for a few min and then go to sleep. I didn't see C again, he fell fast asleep. I woke up at 6:30am and rolled over half expecting to see J there sleeping, snoring away. Half startled that I was alone. I often wonder if that feeling ever goes away. Do you ever stop having those thoughts when the phone rings and think Oh, that might be J. Or look at the clock and see that its 6pm and J should be home any min now, and look towards the door to see him walk through and K run screaming into her daddy's arms. I miss that. Every time now that K hears a motorcycle rumble she says Dada... so I ask her "does Daddy ride a motorcycle?" to which the answer is always yes and it makes me smile. J always wanted a motorcycle and always wanted to ride one. So it makes me feel like there is a connection there between a girl and her dad that no one else is gonna have. Kinda like his secret way of telling her that he's right there riding next to her always. This past Friday the kids and I decorated a small Christmas tree that we borrowed from my parents house. We hung lights and listened to some of J's favorite Christmas music and as much fun as the kids had you could feel that someone was missing from all the festivities... I'm sure he was watching us... just wishing he could be here... I guess I could look at as J's been gone for a month but on the other hand I think I would rather see it as we are one month closer to being with him again... and instead of that making me sad it makes me happy that we are one month closer to being together as a family again....

Truly Grateful

I've been thinking of the time that J had to spend with us, not just because Thanksgiving is just a day away but because it helps me get through the tough days. Although we were only married for just shy of 10 yrs in January we had 13 wonderful years together... C had 5 years with his dad and K 19 months with him. We've been lucky... I feel blessed that we were able to meet at such a young age J was 17 and I was 15... and we were pretty much inseparable since then.... just ask our parents. Some days are easier than others. But, everyday I think about J and think about how grateful I am that I had those years with him. That we have our two kids together. That although their time with them was cut short he will always be there for them. He'll always be their dad... Nothing will ever change that. I'm grateful that he'll always be able to be there when K has a dance recital or C has a ball game. They may not have their dad here physically but they will always have that special guardian angel to look over them. I'm grateful that J was able to have those 31 yrs on this earth. If I stop and think everyday what I'm grateful for even though J is gone I find myself feeling better. I know sometimes its hard for me to think of what to be grateful for without J in my life now but I think about all the things he did for me, for the kids, for everyone who's lives he has touched. I'm grateful for his outpouring of love for everyone. I'm grateful that he was always a friend to everyone and passed that trait onto C. I'm grateful that he showed me how much he loved me everyday and that my kids were able to see that, feel that. I'm grateful that he was an example of always caring and loving his family especially his extended family. I could go on and on... but most of all I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing J into our lives. We will be forever changed because he has been in our lives.
"Time is: Too slow for those who wait, Too swift for those who fear, Too long for those who grieve, Too short for those who rejoice, But for those who love, Time is eternity."
Time may have been too short while J was here and too long for those of us who grieve his loss but those who love him and those he loves time will always be eternity... and for that I'm truly grateful...

Closer Than Ever

In church today (Relief Society) we had a lesson on celestial marriages. And wouldn't you know it I got the quote about serving your spouse. I thought back over the last few months as J and went through this trial of cancer again and thought about how much closer we had become. I came to realize that it was not because he had cancer but because we were constantly serving each other. I was always concerned with him and how he felt and making sure his bandages were changed daily that his port was flushed and other things. He was always checking up on me making sure I had the breaks I needed. Making sure I got to do something for myself and was never thinking about himself even though he was sicker than sick at times. And because we were busy thinking about the other person, the little things didn't bug us. I think of how easy it is to love our children unconditionally but how hard is it to love your spouse or significant other unconditionally? As hard as these trials have been I'm grateful to know that before J died we both felt that unconditional love for one another. That there wasn't any question in either one of our minds about how we felt for one another. Cancer could have easily torn us apart if we had let it. But we chose to take it head on and make something good out of it. I miss J today. It seems like I can go for a few days without feeling like my world was torn apart, today was just kind of different. I half expected the phone to ring and hear his voice on the other line. But no matter how much I miss him I will always know how much he loves me and the kids and he proved that to me over and over again by serving me and never complaining about how hard his life was. For that I'm forever grateful. I'm grateful that he was able to feel my love for him as I served him and if I had to do it all over again I would...

My Daddy Rides A Harley

Yesterday as K and walked into a book store she looked over at a Harley motorcycle, pointed and said "Dada". I looked over and saw this bike parked there and kinda chuckled to myself wondering if she did see her daddy or if it was just a weird coincidence. See, J loved Harleys he really wanted to get one once everything was good and he had a clean bill of health. K doesn't know this... she is way to young to know that her dad loved motorcycles and has never really heard us talk about them. J never pointed them out to her either. We went about our business and walked back out of the bookstore. The bike still sat there and once again K started pointing this time getting more excited as she shouted "Dada, Dada!" I continued to walk with her and she continued to watch and say "Dada". We go to the car and I put her in the car and she seemed to be looking at someone who wasn't there. She continued to say "Dada" until I got into the car and drove off. I drove past the bike once more telling her to look out the window and no response from her as we passed the motorcycle. I turned and asked her if she had seen her Daddy and she responded by shaking her head yes... I think he visits her the most... maybe cause she is Daddy's girl or maybe cause she is so close to the veil... either way I love that she is able to feel his presence and know he's there. It makes the hard days a little less hard.

Being A Single Mom

I've always thought highly of single moms.... I never wanted to be one. I always thought they had so much on their plate. Now I know what it feels like to have more on my plate than I care to eat. I knew the feeling slightly when J would travel and sometimes be gone for a week at a time. But I always knew he'd be coming back home. I'd be able to call him up everyday and we'd talk about whatever... sometimes nothing at all. I've come to realize that being a single mom is so much harder than anyone ever thinks. You get the kids up and ready for the day, You feed them breakfast, lunch and dinner, make sure they are bathed and put to bed at hopefully a decent hour... (I'm still working on this one). You pay all the bills, do the grocery shopping, take out the dishes and do the laundry. You make sure the trash is taken out and pushed to the curb. You make the meals and clear the table. You read the bedtime stories and tuck the kids in at night. You sit alone and watch tv. Wishing that for just one night your husband could be sitting there next to you... just to put his arm around you and say... " I know you've had a hard day but, you are doing a great job". Sometimes I think we take for granted all the things that our significant other does for us. The sacrifices that they make for us. The things they do big or small. Oh, how I wish to just be able to be slightly irritate cause J left a wrapper on the floor. Don't take for granted those in your life right now. Be grateful for where you are in your life.... A friend of mine said "I know you are frustrated, but give your kids a hug, things will turn around.." I know tomorrow is another day. And today will just be another notch in my belt. Another day without J, and I miss him so much but I become a stronger person everyday... I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father has a lot of faith in me. I never in a million years would have pegged myself as someone who could be strong enough to do this. But, I'll do it... cause someone, no at least 2 people up there have faith in me that I can do this and I'm betting that J's one of them...

Just Some Spare Change...

Is all it takes. Just a few coins here and there. I've been meaning to post this video of C from back on Oct. 28th the day before our worlds were turned upside down. It means a lot to me... His school was collecting spare change to donate to cancer research and so I was collecting the spare change we had around the house. When C asked me what I was doing I told him and he ran upstairs without saying a word and came down the stairs with his bank with a few dollars in change that he had earned doing chores around the house. He didn't even think twice about wanting to donate all his "fun" money so that the doctors could find a cure and be able to give his daddy the medicine he needed. I think if everyone went around and collected their spare change they'd be surprised how much they could make a difference. Take that spare change and donate it. If everyone took just a dollar in change that they found lying around the house and donated it you'd be so surprised at how big of a difference it would make. Help us find a cure so that kids like C & K won't have to loose a parent. Your spare change could change someone's world for the better.

2 Weeks

2 weeks has gone by since J passed away. 2 weeks that seems like 2 years. 2 weeks that have been the hardest and sadest of my life. 2 weeks were I've had moments of felt J's spirit around. 2 weeks were I've wanted so badly to pick up the phone and call him. 2 weeks of wishing things could have turned out different. 2 weeks of being happy and yet sad at the same time. 2 weeks of being a single mom. 2 weeks of being a widow. 2 weeks of wondering if I could really do all this. 2 weeks of feeling overwhelmed, stressed at times. 2 weeks of feeling continued peace and comfort. 2 weeks of knowing everything was going to be alright. 2 weeks of seeing J everyday through my kids. 2 weeks of finding him in them. 2 weeks of knowing he'll love us forever. 2 weeks has past and I'm stronger because of these 2 weeks. Thank you for the continuous prayers for me and my kids. I know we couldn't have survived these last 2 weeks without the love, prayers and support of everyone. 2 weeks seems like a lifetime.

Good Days & Bad Days

I know there will always be good days and bad days... Tuesday was well, a bad day. I was feeling the effects of a broken heart and just didn't know what to do. I had taken C & K to a Veteran's Day parade with some people in the ward. My first adventure with the kids knowing I wouldn't have J to talk to if things went completely wrong. The parade went alright despite C sitting there throwing rocks or running off to the point that I'd start to slightly panic. Afterwards a few of us went out to eat with the kids and I thought ok I don't normally do this because you have to tag team C and J was always with me if I took the kids to lunch just for that reason. C was crazy at lunch and K a perfect angel as usual. By 2pm I had enough and was ready to leave I told C it was time to go and the meltdown began. By the time I had both kids in the car I was in tears and just couldn't take anymore. Usually I'd call up J and tell him about my day and what had gone wrong. But, I couldn't, and I felt jipped, that all these other women could call their husbands and talk to them and tell them what their kids had been doing today. I had to sit back and take it. I couldn't even talk to C on the way home, I was so upset. I heard him talking softly to himself in the backseat and after a few min. I heard him say "Mom, I want to apologize, I know you miss dad, I will try and be a better boy. I'm sorry I made you sad." This is so not like C. I believe he was talking to J. That J told him that he needed to say sorry and be better. It was what I needed. Although my day went smoother I still missed J and couldn't get over that feeling. We ended the night with both kids and I snuggled up in J's quilt and K fast asleep. By the time I went to bed that night I finally felt a little bit better. I know J was there trying to comfort C in my time of need. Trying to help me out the only way he knew how or could help out. I know there are going to be many more bad days where I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But, I'll get through them and tomorrow is always a new day. Thankfully Wednesday was a good day...

Coming Home

Coming home has been a little harder than I thought. I walked in the door this afternoon with both kids one wanting to play games and the other screaming at the top of her lungs for who knows what reason and me feeling stressed out to the max feeling like I didn't know what to do and that I couldn't do this on my own. I couldn't make K happy no matter what I did and couldn't find the cord so that C could play a game on the tv. I sat in J's office and just cried. C came in and said " I know you miss Dad, its gonna be ok." The same phrase that I've said to him many times. He told me that he wished he had 100 arms so that he could help me but he only had 2 arms and that he would try and help me. Soon after I found the cords and C was happily playing and K had finally found something to make herself happy. Later on I was in our room sorting laundry and working on getting everything organized. K all of a sudden started saying "bed, bed" and she has never said this word before. I picked her up intending to put her on the MADE bed to find that the sheets and comforter had been FOLDED down the way that J and I always folded it down just before bed. I know the bed was made when I came home this afternoon and put everything in our room. It was his way of letting me know that he was there, watching over us, letting me know that everything was going to be ok. Normally this probably would have freaked me out but because the bed was folded in such a way I knew it wasn't anyone else but him. I know that there wasn't anything else he could have done for me to know that it was him, that he had been there. I would have blown it off like oh I had put something there or over looked that object and now here it is. He knew the only thing he could do to make me know that he was there, was to do something so sweet and simple as folding down the sheets to the bed we used to share...

You Never Think....

You never think that at your age you'll be planing a funeral... let alone a funeral for your spouse. It just doesn't seem real. I still feel like I should wake up at any moment and J will be alive. Sitting there to talk to me. Telling me I look beautiful today even though my hair is a mess and I don't have any mascara on. Telling me and the kids he loves us. Just being able to feel him wrap his arms around me. C lost his first tooth last night and I so badly wanted to call J up and say "Guess what!" and then I realized its the little things like that, that will be hard. The little milestones that I can't pick up the phone and say J, C just lost his tooth. But then I thought I'm sad that he missed out on it but you know what He probably has the best view of all. Able to see everything at a moments notice. And that made me feel a little better. And as I was putting K to bed and she and I were laying there on the bed and I say to her every night... "You know your Daddy loves you very much, and he'll always be there to watch over you." And then I asked her... Do you want to tell Daddy goodnight? And she looked up at the ceiling and started blowing him kisses and I knew that she understood as much as a 20 month old can understand. But I believe she is handling it better being so close to the veil. And I knew she was gonna be ok. That things would be ok. Thank goodness for the sweet spirit of a small child. These kids will help me get through it all. As hard as somethings maybe I'm gonna be ok.... Thank you for everyone's support and continued prayers. We love you all.


Funeral is on Sat. at 11am.
There will also be a viewing an hour prior.
There will be a viewing on Friday from 6-8pm.

Anyone wishing to make a donation to the account my Father In Law set up for the kids and I please feel free to email me at iwearyellow(at)gmail(dot)com and I will pass along the info to you.

God Be With You Till We Meet Again

Loving husband, father, brother and son passed away peacefully this afternoon around 2pm surrounded by friends and family. I'm filled with peace that he is ok and we are going to be ok. We will forever be a family of four... forever and ever....

I want to collect memories and stories for my kids of J if you have any story leave a comment or email me at iwearyellow (at) gmail (dot) com. I want stories from everyone that has a story or stories of J my kids need to have his memory kept alive. Thank you for the constant love and support and all your prayers. You have lifted us up and made us all feel so loved...thank you.

Please Pray for Peace

Please pray for peace... for J for me, for my kids for everyone who's lives have been touched by J. The dr. came in this morning and said there aren't enough signs that he came back from when he coded on Wed. We will be taking the breathing tube out sometime today. I've talked with C and tried to explain as best I could to a 5 yr old that his daddy was going to Heaven and that he'll always be there for him no matter what. The spirit was so strong when the sweet little voice of this little 5 yr old began to sing I am a Child of God. K came in and gave her dad a kiss and leaned up and waved as if saying good bye to him and blew him a kiss. I am doing the best I can be doing. I have had peace since I went to bed last night and continue to have that. J must have known something... just please pray for peace.

Little Movements

Last night and this morning J has been responding to touch especially to my cold hands which he hates. The Menatol that they give him to reduce the swelling seems to be working. We are just waiting for the Drs. to come in and see if they will do a CT and go from there. My dad and J's dad both gave him a blessing and both of them said that it is left in the Lord's hands. We believe that we just have to have faith that Heavenly Father knows what's best. I've felt at peace this morning and I pray that I continue to feel that. I was able to sleep next to J on my own little bed and had dreamless sleep. That seemed to help. Waiting is the hardest part of all of this. Keep up the faith and the prayers we still are hoping for a miracle if that's what Heavenly Father sees fit. Thank you for everyones love, constant support and prayers.

Keeping Hope Alive

My hope and faith has been strengthened... J's nurse has helped us be lifted and feel that hope. J's nurse was actually diagnosed with cancer back in 1995... He was diagnosed with terminal neck cancer and ended up in hospic and was able to come back from that even though he was on a respirator and sent to pretty much die. But he said to me... You can't listen to what the doctors say, you have to have hope and never give up hope you never know what will happen. J is such a fighter and we aren't ready to give up on him. He is getting meds that help reduce the swelling in the brain and his pupils are equally dialated and that's a good sign that the meds are working and the swelling is going down. Also he is only on 40% oxygen which is really good. So we aren't giving up hope. With everyones continued hope, prayers and fasting miracles WILL HAPPEN.

We Need A Miracle

We need a miracle. J had his brain scan this morning and things aren't looking good. His brain is continuing to swell and they've have given him meds to relieve the swelling. We are doing a fast for him for the next 24 hrs. They will do another brain scan in the morning. They say things don't look good and he may not make the night. We need a miracle. I know that we will be together again someday and no matter how tough things get I will always have that peace. Before J went into the hospital just 2 weeks ago he blessed me with peace and comfort and that's all I've felt. I feel at peace despite my world crashing down around me. I know that no matter what happens my kids and I will be at peace and be ok. J will always take of us even if it isn't beside us. Please keep him in your prayers. Thank you to everyone who has touch our lives even in a small way. We love you all.

A Small Update:

I don't have much to update on J tonight other than they put him under deeper sedation last night because he was still having seizures. He is still on the breathing machine and they started bringing his temperature back up around 2pm today slowly about a 1/2 a degree to a degree at a time. They still have to watch him closely as this causes other issues to arise such as his blood pressure dropping so they started him on meds before they started raising his temperature. Tomorrow morning they will turn off the sedation and see if he comes to at all or if there are anymore seizures. If he is still having seizures they will most likely put him back under. There are no guarantees that he will wake up tomorrow. We hope and pray that he'll show some sign that things are there and working... it could take up to a week for him to wake up. The good thing about him sleeping right now is that this is the most painful time with horrible mouth sores and him feeling so sick. (this is why they believe that he aspirated yesterday: he got sick and threw up and swallowed some of it back and choked until he was no longer breathing.) At least he can sleep in peace for now. I will update as more info comes about and they will possibly be doing a brain wave scan if he doesn't wake up or show any kind of sign. As for the kids C doesn't really seem to know any different than that J is in the hospital still and sick. K woke up a few times last night and was crying and one point whimpering and she's never done that before. I'm pretty sure she could tell that something is wrong. As for me I'm doing pretty good. Hanging in there. I think night time is when it hits me the most. I miss talking to J and telling him goodnight; I love you. Hearing him tell me that he loves me back or me just being able to text him goodnight, I love you. I think we often take for granted something as simple as that. So please don't... if you love someone tell them everyday. I can at least know that the last thing he heard me say on Tues. when I left his room was I love you... he couldn't talk but he could write on his white board that he had and he made a point of telling that me that he loved me everytime and that I was beautiful... that I'm grateful for. Thank you for everyone's out pouring of support and prayers.... please keep them up. We love and appreciate everyone.... Its amazing to me all the love we've felt even from people we don't even know... so thank you.

Please Pray Hard

J is currently on a breathing machine... earlier this morning he was joking with the nurse and when she came back 20-25 min later to take his blood sugar they found him non responsive with no heart beat and not breathing. The Dr. started compressions on him and started his heart back up. They have moved him to the ICU unit on the oncology ward floor. They say he won't wake up from 24 hrs to a week. It is a wait and pray game right now. We won't know what kind of long lasting effects he will have for a while. They are doing a test to check his brain waves and see what the small seizures he is having are doing. They are also cooling his body down to 95° for 18 hrs. to prevent brain swelling and preserve his other organs. Then they will let his body temp go back up on its own. This will happen about 1pm tomorrow. We just have to wait and see how his other organs come out of this as well. We won't too much more till they do another brain scan Friday morning. The first one showed signs of activity but was diminished and could have been from the trauma. They did an ultrasound of his heart and it is strong. Please keep J in your prayers...pray hard that he will recover with no problems, no lasting side effects. We need him...

Day 0: Happy Birthday!

Well, J got the rest of his 37.5% of stem cells today... 3 bags vs. the 1 bag on Sat. He was drowsy from the pre-meds and wasn't feeling so great this morning. He has some really bad mouth sores and now is finding it hard to talk and swallow which means he'll be on IV nutrition soon. This happens to everyone. Its to be expected. He has requested a white board so he can comunicate with people and has now had to just text instead of talking on the phone. The Drs. have said this will be the worst week. But the good news is that he did well with his stem cell injections and that as fast as he has felt bad he will feel good just as fast. Thank you for all the prayers. Please bless J that his stem cells will continue to rapidly reproduce and that the mouth sores will subside. Its hard to believe that we are down to day 0 from now on they keep track of his days by adding a + to each day so tomorrow is day +1 and they go from there. Getting to the plus state means things will only get better. Also please say a special prayer for K and especially C who is having a hard time dealing with his dad being in the hospital. Needless to say he got in trouble at school for the first time today... Thank you for all the love, support and prayers! Keep them coming.

12.5% of Stem Cells...Its a Good Day!

Well J made sure that I knew what time he was getting his stem cells back so I was able to be there and talk with him before they doped him up. They came in and gave him his pre meds and his Benadryl but he stayed awake for the whole process which was only a few min. The doctor came in and talked with J and J was joking around with him. He even asked one of the nurses at one point if he was going to get stem cells like Arnold Schwarzenegger and get all strong and have muscles. He was hilarious when he became doped up. He would slur his words together and even wanted to call his family and said "it'll be so funny" I was laughing so hard while he was leaving a message on the machine. I tried to get a video of him but by the time I did he wasn't saying much. He did however have me video him talking once he was doped. I can still smell the stem cells which to me smelled like a strong tomato soup other people have said it smells like creamed corn or garlic. Either way I couldn't stand the smell. J just said it was cold and he could feel them going back into his body. His doctor said it's nothing exciting but I thought it was pretty exciting that they can do stuff like this and that means one week down. The only side effects from the stem cells being transfered back was that he got the chills. They'll give him neupogen again to stimulate the stem cells to reproduce and will watch for when his counts come back up again which will be such a happy day.

This first video is of J before he got the drugs.


Once he got the drugs and they kicked in his words were slurred and he was just happy and feeling good.


And this last video is of the last little bit of his stem cells being put back.

Friday Family Date Night

Just wanted to update everyone on J. He is doing so much better tonight and even was able to eat dinner and keep it down. The meds they gave him have really been working. He gets to have a partial "birthday"(this is what the nurses call it) tomorrow; when he gets 12.5% of his stem cells back. He'll get the other 37.5% back on Monday which will be his official birthday. I'm hoping to be able to be there and get some photos that J wants. They'll be giving him steroids, Benadryl and some other pre-meds that will probably knock him out and he won't even be awake to see himself getting his cells back. He was feeling well enough tonight that he called me and the kids and I got to have some web cam together. Most of it consists of him sending little "winks" that play different images onto the screen. The kids love it and towards the end K finally realized that her dad was on the screen too! After a good 15 min of talking and sending winks back and forth it was time for J to tell the kids goodnight and K blew her kisses and was off. C ran back and forth telling J goodnight. C told me that he wants his dad to come home fast so pray that the stem cells will engraft (basically reproduce) quickly...

Chemo is all done!

All my chemo is done! Tomorrow is a rest day then they start giving me my stem cells on Saturday. I slept all afternoon from the drugs but am feeling better now. Well, that's all I've got for now.

J

Half Alive

J is not quite feeling it. It seems to have hit him harder and faster than he thought. He can't seem to keep any food down and because of the way he is getting sick they want him to stay on nausea meds. He could possibly tear his esophagus or burst a capillary in his eyes so they are closely watching him. He's been on a number of different meds and nothing seems to be calming the nausea. As I was there this afternoon the nurse came in and said they were going to give him another med that seems to have good results and seems to help out a lot of people. Hopefully this will work otherwise he is constantly doped up Adivant and sleeps all the time and I know he doesn't like being that way. Time seems to go by so slow. It seems like he's been gone for 10 days not 4. J said to me that this had better work (the chemo treatment) or he was going to be really mad. I'm sure at time he feels like he's half alive and this isn't the worst part yet. Next week is supposed to be when his counts will drop and he'll probably be on IV nutrition. But there is a line from a song I was listening to on my way to see J ..."Believe me when I say it's hard. We'll get through this tonight And I know one day you and I will be free..." The combo of being away from the kids and me and being sick is wearing on him. He's disappointed in missing out on the things the kids are doing but I just remind him that there is always next year. He's gonna be here for that next year and that's what counts. They aren't going to remember that he wasn't here for Halloween or other activities. They'll remember the years to come when he was there and that's what is most important right now. Despite J feeling sick he still has me take his pictures and is smiling in all of them. (he looks like he is sunburned but it is a side effect of the chemo that is excreting from his skin.)He is still a fighter and isn't about to give that up. C and K seem to have their days. Monday was a hard night and as the days go by things get a little easier for somethings. C asked if he could go see his dad at the hospital yesterday and I had to tell him that he was too far away and that maybe they could web cam with him. Luckily, J was up to it and the kids were able to see J. C seemed to be satisfied with that even though its not the same. K seemed to get a kick out of seeing her dad and both kids were happy to see him and blew kisses and told him that they loved him. That seemed to brighten J as well. When I was talking with J and showing him pics of K, I showed him one of her talking on the phone. I remember taking the picture as she squealed with delight. Turned out that she had called J's cell phone but he had missed the call and she had heard his voice. We were able to figure that out by what time the call was that he missed and looking at what time I took the picture. Just the sound of his voice made her a happy girl. C and I made a chain countdown that hangs in J's room. He has me tear one off every day and each ring says different things. I know this is another things that helps keep him going. Knowing that we are at home taking a link off everyday too and waiting for him to be able to come home. Thank you for the love and prayers. Please pray that these new meds will work for J's nausea. He just wants to feel better. I know that it'll take sometime and that its hard but with everyone's prayers we will all make it through these tough times. I just wanted to leave with this view from J's room. Not too shabby...

All settled in

Well, I’m all settled in and getting my pre-meds, chemo starts later today. They have a high end air filter system so I can have visitors and no one has to wear a mask. Just make sure your feeling well. Here are a few things to be aware of if you come, don’t let them scare you off. (E has my room number and directions if you need them)

1. Please call before you come so you don’t waste a trip out if I’m not up to or able to have visitors.
2. They have free Valet parking or a garage and the first 2 hours are free in the garage.
3. When you get here they will ask that you scrub your hands for 3 minuets.
4. If you bring me any food, it has to be pre-packaged and no fast food.

So far things are good, the staff is VERY nice and they offer a lot of things to keep me in good sprits and shape. They have music therapy and a specially trained Oncology massage therapist that will come see me. They have a DVD and video player in the room and a video library. So they work to keep me doing well during my stay.

On another note I had an interesting experience this morning, one my parents will appreciate (I’ll explain why after.) When I got up this morning for some reason the theme song to the movie Rocky start playing in my head! The reason why my parents will appreciate this is that while my mom was pregnant with me the first time she felt me kick was while watching Rocky!

I appreciate all the support and prayers and ask that you keep me as well as my family in your prayers!

J

Test update and Transplant Explanation

1. I had one more test this morning, a PET scan. I received a call this afternoon and they game me the results and my Cancer is more then half gone, it appears that the cancer is only showing up in one Lymph Node! So things are going quite well.

2. For those who want a better explanation of what the Stem Cells are used for I will try to give a brief one:

Here is the process. I will be receiving a VERY STRONG dose of Chemo that will wipe out the Cancer and will wipe out my Immune System in the process. So they will give me my Stem Cells back after the Chemo so they can re-build my Immune System.

I hope this helps.

The Long Road Ahead...

We met with J's doctor yesterday afternoon to get all the test results of his heart, lungs and brain. Everything came back really good. We also got the results of his CT scan which indicated that the cancer has been drastically reduced. Cut in half in fact after 2 rounds of Salvage Chemo. This is where they want him to be. It means his body is responding well to the chemo and is ready to start the Stem Cell Transplant Chemo. J starts this chemo on Monday the 20th at 8am. He'll check into the hospital and start his chemo that day. He has 4 days of chemo a day of rest then he gets some of his stem cells back another day of rest and then they'll give him the rest of his stem cells for that transplant back. They bring the bag(s) of cryogenic frozen stem cells to his bed side and thaw them there. They then hook him up and and transfer the stem cells. This process takes only a matter of minutes and is painless. They said if he nods off he'll miss the whole thing. Its very anticlimactic. That's the pretty easy part if you can call all that easy... The hard part is going to be J's recovery. He will then have 2-3 additional weeks where his body will take the stem cells and start to rebuild his immune system. They said he'll be very sick to the point that his throat will hurt so bad that he'll be on pain meds for that and they'll probably be feeding him through his IV. Once he can drink 2 Ltr. of liquids and keep that down and his whites are up they'll let him come home. The Doctor seems hopeful that he'll be home mid Nov. just before Thanksgiving. He'll have some time to recover from all of this and start his next round anywhere from 2-4 weeks after he comes home. Things seem so long, so far away. J's friend sent me a good quote the other day: "The test of character is not 'hanging in' when you expect light at the end of the tunnel, but performance of duty, and persistence of example when you know no light is coming." We know there is a light its just hard to see at times but J is so willing to fight and although he'll miss my birthday, Halloween and possibly Christmas his doctor said "I don't care about this Christmas, I care about the next Christmas and the next Christmas after that and so on. I want you to be around for the next one." We agree. This is what it is all about. Sure we will miss him and the kids will have a hard time at times (especially not being able to see him and I know how hard this will be on J) but we want him around for the long haul and if that means missing out on one Christmas then so be it. Please pray that J will be able to handle this next round that his won't have such a painful recovery and that he will recover quickly so that he can come home to be with us. Thank you for continuing to think and pray for us daily. We are so blessed.

Quick update.

I'm doing good and have been going to work. We have an appointment on Thursday with the doc to get the test results from all the tests last week. We will then find out what is next and post once we know the schedule. Thanks!!!

From the Bottom of Our Hearts...

Thank you so much to Wayne, Deanna, April, Russ, Lauren, Ella, Micah, Paul, Rachel, Brooke, Devin, Ashley and Megan:
Thank you for showing us so much love and support. C was so excited to open this box of goodies and to see how much you all are thinking about us. Thank you to the Heywoods for the fun Halloween box of goodies. The kids thought it was Christmas. Thank you to everyone who has said countless prayers in our behalf, wore a yellow wristband, thought of us on a daily basis. Babysat, called to see how J was doing and those who have left comments on the blog with words of support and encouragement. Thank you to those who have gone out of their way and visited J and brought him something to pass the time or a way of encouragement. We just want you all to know how much we appreciate every gesture big or small it means alot to us, so thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Birthday

I had a great birthday yesterday thanks to E and all my family and friends. I have been so involved with treatment that I forgot about my birthday until it was upon me. I was not too concerned with my birthday, but thanks to everyone I enjoyed it! E made me a lemon cake (for those who don’t know I’m a lemon junkie) in the shape of “Master Shake”. For those who don’t know who/what “Master Shake” is, he is from a cartoon show called ATHF. E and I had a nice dinner then my family and E’s family came over for cake and ice cream. It was a good time, thanks to all!

Is Your Pink Showing?

Well is it? This month is Breast Cancer Awareness month but not only that it is also Cancer Awareness month. I am by all means not someone who generally would go out and get pink put in her hair but it is for a good cause. All the money goes to supporting cancer research. And it is only $10 for a pink hair extension. (Tantrum Hair Salon: call and get Pink'd: ask for Amy she's awesome.) You are all probably wonder why I'm talking about getting pink hair on here since that has nothing to do with J's cancer... but that's where you are wrong. It has everything to do with J and you and someone you love or know. Everyday around 3,400 people are diagnosed with cancer. Everyday around 1,500 people die from cancer. A lot of the time we think that cancer isn't gonna hit home with us. That it isn't going to happen to me or to someone I love, not going to happen to my brother, sister, parent, grandparent, best friend. But that isn't true. It effects everyone who is sitting here right now reading this. Whether you barely know J or you've known him forever... It effects us all. I know I'm always guilty of thinking well, I don't have $50 to donate so I'm not going to make any kind of difference in cancer research. But that's where I'm wrong; that's where we are all wrong. Even $5 makes a difference. It pushes us that much closer to finding a cure. The link to the left (click on the picture) for Stand Up 2 Cancer is active. (there are a few ways to donate on their web page. Mobile phone, phone or mail or on the website.) Please donate. It doesn't have to be in anyone's name or even that much. You don't have to donate to SU2C. It can be to any cancer organization. Just do it. Because your donation may help save the life... and it may even be your own some day. I hope and pray that no one ever has to go through what J has endured. What our family has experienced... So please make sure that you donate even if it is only a dollar. You can be the one that makes a difference in someone's life.

6.1 Million and Counting

J was able to collect 6.1 million stem cells yesterday which was more than enough. He was to collect 6 million but since the Dr. thought he was collecting so good they had him come in to collect more again today. So he's hooked up to the machine again which is used for apheresis (similar to dialysis). They want to collect as many as possible just for good measure. This is so great that he was able to produce more than enough for what he needs and means that his body is working hard to get those cells produced. J came home yesterday extremely tired and just worn out. The process makes you really tired and he'll probably be tired for the next couple of days since they are taking blood out of him and extracting the cells and putting it back at a high rate of speed. He also came home with a new bandage that now has to be changed daily. The other bandage gave him a terrible rash. Seems he has sensitive skin and the adhesive on these bandages doesn't mesh well with him. He just has to be more careful around the kids since it is more open. J is such a fighter and even though he's had numerous problems with bandages and having to be hooked up to machine after machine he still has that fighting spirit. The next week or so will bring tests to test his heart, lungs, kidneys and other vital organs to see if they are up to what they are going to be throwing at him during the next chemo. Thanks for the prayers that have shown us so much that they are being heard. We just need to pray that all his vital organs will be in working order to move on to the next step.... Getting him CURED!

Harvesting Time

We got a call at 6:15am this morning saying that J needed to come down to the hospital right then because his stem cells are ready to harvest. Due to a lack of communication last night they didn't get us called until this morning. J headed out with his dad at 7:45am. He called me just a few min ago (8:50am) and told me that they may only have to do one harvesting because his stem cell counts are super high as well as his white counts! This process should take about 4 hours and they say it could make him really tired today and for the next couple of days. Once they've harvested the cells it could be as short as 2 weeks before he starts this next journey.

Daily Shots, City of Hope and Bandage Changes... Oh, My!

J's been home a week and I've been telling him that he needs to work on this post but since he worked all week on my computer when he was feeling up to it I guess I'll do it for him.... J's doing pretty good. He seemed to get over things a little bit quicker this round and is working from home this week. He is still neutripinic (low white count) and can continue to drop his whites up to 2 weeks after chemo. Every time he steps outside of the house he is to wear a mask especially if it is windy outside so needless to say we have been staying inside and away from people for the last week.

City of Hope
This is were J's next 2 rounds of chemo will be. They are called Stem Cell Chemo. He will be hooked up to a machine similar to a dialysis machine where they will extract his stem cells and collect enough for the 2 rounds that he will be doing. He will sit there hooked up to the machine for up to 6-8 hrs over a period of a couple of days depending on how much they can extract at a time. He should be starting this process sometime this week as long as his whites are up and there is a good amount of stem cells built up. He then will have any where from 2-4 weeks before he starts this next phase. He will be in the hospital for 10-12 days. They will completely wipe out his immune system which will make him very sick. The kids will not be able to visit him as he will be confined to his room and so sick he won't be able to move. Anyone that comes in to see him he will have to wear a mask for his own protection from any germs. The chemo should be for about 5 days and the rest of the time is spent giving him some of the stem cells back and building his immune system back up so that he can come back home. The doctors hope to have him home from his 1st round of this chemo by Thanksgiving and his 2nd round by Christmas.



Daily Shots
J has to give himself a daily shot of neupogen. This is to increase the stem cells that are needed to be extracted for the next stage of this chemo. We decided to go with the whole stem cell chemo because although the Salvage Chemo has a good shot of curing J the Stem Cell Chemo gives him a 15-20% better chance of curing him for good. J gives himself this shot every morning and C sits next to him and watches him as he fills up the shot and injects it into his belly. These shots give him some serious headaches and bone pain because they are doing their job: building stem cells. He can't take regular meds like Tylenol but is on heavy narcotics. Not his choice but the only thing he is allowed to take.

Bandage Changes

I am now officially the Caregiver to J... I'm solely responsible for making sure on a daily basis that his new PICC line (which now includes three lines and is much closer to the aorta) is flushed with Heparin everyday and on Sundays and Wednesdays his caps are changed (the blue things) and once a week that his bandage is changed. This means some serious sterile mask and glove wearing going on. I think I'm more nervous about keeping everything sterile the whole time I'm changing his bandage. I was supposed to practice the bandage change on Friday on Chester (the dummy) but since J's bandage needed to be changed due to having blood under it, I was the one who had to do it. I was so nervous... the nurse said the hardest part is getting the gloves on without contaminating them; otherwise you start all over again putting the dang things on again. J and the nurse said I did a really good job for my first time and J says that's because I'm a scrapbooker and so meticulous. I just think its cause I didn't want to screw up. Once J has started collecting (stem cells) I have a special caregiver class that I will be going to. They will give me a huge book that goes over everything I have to do to the house to make it safe for J to come home to. The class is for 2.5 hours! That is a lot of info...

Please continue to pray that J's whites/stem cells will continue to increase so that they are able to collect enough and maybe more than what they need this week. Thanks for the love and support. We really appreciate everyone and all you do for us.

Also a special thank you to the Heywood’s for sending that awesome package. The kids loved it. It was like Christmas to them and got them so excited for Halloween. We were able to open it up with Jeff at the hospital that last Friday 9/19. Thank you so much!

How Sweet It Is...

J is finally home... Hooray! We are all so excited. I was able to pick him up from the hospital around noon after dropping C off at school. We came home and he had his first meal which he has been able to keep down so far... Knock on wood. K came walking in the office after J had been lying down on the couch for a little while. She stood in the doorway holding her blanket and saying "Dada". When I asked her if she wanted to lay down she shook her head yes. I picked her up and she again said "Dada" so I asked her if she wanted to lay by J and she shook her head yes again. I took her out into the family room where J lay and she said "Dada" and he woke up and I told him that she wanted to lay by him. She just lit up. She was so excited and laid there for a few minutes so still and quiet. She even has the same blanket on her from when she was just 3 days old. Its hard to believe that these photos were taken only 18.5 months apart. She still is his little sweet heart...
This picture is from when K was just 3 days old. J had come home from his 1st day of his 3rd round and they took a nap together. (this was also a Monday.) (I'd just post just the picture but my computer is DOA and my computer tech is crashed out on the couch.)

C came home from school and the first thing he asked J was how the hospital was... He's pretty extatic to have his dad home and so am I... That means no more having a 5 yr old insist on sleeping in my bed and no more driving back and forth to the hospital... at least for a little while.

Day 5 of Chemo

I thought I'd update you all on J. He is finishing up day 5 of chemo tonight probably around 11pm. We all wish he could pack up and come home at that time but he has chosen to stay and have them continue an IV to keep him hydrated through the night and through Monday morning. He hasn't been able to keep much down and as much as we'd really like to have him home we'd rather him feel better and be hydrated so we don't have to go back a couple of days later. He's been really tired this round and with all the nausea meds they've given him to try and keep him from throwing up he says he always seems dazed. Although when I've taken the kids to visit him he is pretty with it which is good because the kids love going to see him and C especially loves playing on the computer in the lobby where we meet J. Yesterday he was playing on it looking at Google Earth like he always does and asking J what certain places were that popped up on the screen. I walked over to look at the screen after C had closed out the program to see that C had changed Google Earth to his name. That kid defiantly takes after his dad. I told C who has been telling everyone who would listen that his dad would be home on Sunday, that J wouldn't be home till Monday and thinking he'd throw a fit he was more than understanding and was ok that J would still be in the hospital one more day. Before J went into the hospital this time he sat C down and explained to him that he had to go back. C said yeah, because your back hurts really really bad. (this is why he thought J was in the hospital the first time. We didn't know how to explain what cancer was to a 5 yr. old) This time J told C that his back was better but that he had to get special medicine for the cancer that was in his body. Without hesitation C piped up and the special medicine kills the cancer. That kid amazes me... we have never talked to him about cancer and how the medicine kills cancer. I believe he is so in tune with the spirit that it helps him to understand things that even some of us adults do not. Please keep J in your prayers that he will be able to get hydrated and keep food down so that he can come home and stay home until his next round. Thank you for all your love and support.