Jumping In Feet First

They say you should always jump into water feet first. Especially water that you can't see the bottom to. There could be rocks at the bottom that you can't see. I feel like I've done just that... jumped in feet first, sorta tested the waters to see if it was safe. Now I know how to swim, its just how long can someone stay afloat with out the assistance of a life jacket or some other life saving device? Sometimes I've felt like I was about to drown, go under, other days I felt like I was floating... wearing that life jacket that would save my life. Another month has past. Hard to believe. 7 months. Not sure where the time has gone. Sometimes feeling like the current is rushing, pushing me forward, other times the current is slow, as I drift along. There have been things that I gave up after J died. I don't think I realized some of them until I actually started to do them again and had someone point them out to me or I realized it on my own. I never really realized that I sing whenever or where ever when I'm truly happy. Before J died I'd hear C all the time tell me to stop singing. Now I don't think I sing bad but I think the kid just didn't want to hear his mom more than neccesary...hahaha. I gave that up when J died. A few weeks ago I was caught singing in my room. I was startled, not expecting anyone to find me or hear me for that matter. He told me he could tell I was happy... when I asked him why he said cause you are singing and I've never heard you just sing like that before. It was then that I felt myself coming back to being me. Finding joy, happiness in the little things that I had unintentionally given up. I found my life jacket. The thing that will keep my head above water, and save me. Life is too short to NOT be happy. 7 months, long, short. My head bobbing up and down and at times feeling like I might drown, give up and not be able to go on. I'm not the type of person though to give up without some sort of fight. Neither was J. I watch the kids continue to grow, kids seem to always have their life jackets on. Can find happiness in the little things despite the grown up things they've faced in their short little lives. They are thriving. Happier than ever. C talks about J and remembers the little things and that makes me happy. K dances... all the time. And all though she probably doesn't remember a whole lot about J I think sometimes she just starts dancing just for J, music or not. Me and the kids have been truly blessed with the best of life jackets... J's been looking out for us. Sending us who and what we need when we truly need it most. He hasn't forgotten us and we haven't forgotten him. Its been a rough current at times, and I feel like the water is just starting to calm down. This doesn't mean that I will take off my life jacket. Oh no, J sent me that just in time. That's his special gift to me and I will be forever grateful for that.