Not a Day Goes By...

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my life, J & where I was just a year ago. The thoughts the feelings. The hurt, the loss. Its still there, not as strong as last year but I still feel it. That feeling of loosing someone that had been there for so long & at times you know is still there you just can't see them anymore but sometimes their spirit is so overwhelmingly strong right there beside you when you need them most. This past year has been anything but easy. Its come with new trials, me learning my role as a mom & main parent. Trying to find that happiness I once had & trying to fight off the hurt from others judging me & my choices, losing good friends because of those choices & them not agreeing with them. I often think about how I've made it thus far. I know I couldn't have made it with out the help of my Father in Heaven who's guided me to where I needed to be, who's helped prompt me in what I needed to do despite how hard it maybe or what opposition I may face. Sometimes I want to run far away. Where no one knows my story, no one knows what I've experienced & I'm just another girl they've met on the street. But because of my experiences I've been able to feel that compassion for others put in my situation, tried to lift them up & encourage them to keep going. That in a year they will be able to look back just like I have been able to and see how much they've grown & learned from all of this. I don't know if it makes a difference but maybe its more for me than for them. To help me continue to heal & keep me close to my Heavenly Father & J.

1 Year... Stronger and So Blessed

I can't believe I've made it to the one year mark... feels sort of like a milestone. A year ago I never saw me getting to this place... at least not in one piece. Didn't think I could make it on my own without J. The thing about Nov. 1st is that I remember that day as a peaceful one, at least for me. I remember talking to the doctors and them telling me, J's parents and my parents that there just was too much brain damage and that there just was no way that he was coming back. I was left with a huge decision but it was an easy one because I knew J wouldn't want to continue on that way. I knew what I had to do and all I wanted was for whoever wanted to, that they come and say goodbye before I had them take him off the ventilator. I knew the road ahead wasn't going to be easy but I still had that peace with me. I hated the fact that I needed the kids to come say goodbye to their dad and trying to explain things to C wasn't the easiest of tasks especially because he just didn't get it. I hated that they had to see their dad with the tubes down his throat when just 11 days before they had said goodbye to him before he went to the hospital and to them he looked perfectly fine. I didn't want them to remember seeing him that way (and luckily I don't think C does at all.) But I couldn't just not let them say goodbye. I remember being in the room with J but knowing that his spirit wasn't there at times and that it was getting so close to the time that I'd have to tell the nurse to turn off the machine and take out the tube. I remember saying goodbye to him one last time. I remember all the family gathered around his bed as he passed on. I remember the tears and the heartache that was felt in the room. I remember my dad taking me back into the room a few hours after J had passed to have me look at him and seeing a small smile on his face. Knowing that he was gone but no longer in pain. I knew that part of my trial was over but it was just the beginning of a new life for me, a new trial. I wasn't worried or scared. I knew that I would be taken care of. I never have doubted that. Never will. I know me and the kids will always be looked over and taken care of. I learned to accept my life for what it was. I wasn't and am not angry for the direction my life has gone. I've been blessed because of this trial. I've grown in ways that I couldn't have had I not lost my husband and best friend. I've learned that my happiness doesn't depend on how others feel about me and my choices. I have every right to be happy. I've learned you can't judge people. And not to worry about people judging me. I've learned that being a single mom is so much harder than people think, and having J work out of town a lot never prepared me as much as I thought it would have. I've learned that I'm lucky in so many ways. That I'm truly blessed beyond measure. I've learned that I can't EVER ask why because I have that faith in HIS timing. I've learned that J is always with us. Always watching over us, and still speaks to our hearts, especially C's. I've learned how to do things I've never done before. Simple things that most of us take for granted when someone else always does them for you. I've learned that no matter how much time goes by the pain is still there lurking inside of you, it does lessen to some degree but its still there. I've learned to handle the pain, accept it as part of my healing process. I've learned that its ok to cry when I walk into C or K's room and see J's picture of him smiling there. I've learned that no one can tell me how long to grieve, how to grieve or when to grieve. That it is all up to me. I've learned that everyone handles their grief in their own way on their own time table. I've learned that I can't live in denial, its a bad place for me. I've learned that time isn't my enemy, although sometimes I still struggle with this at times. I've learned to put my happiness first despite what others may think. I've learned that life is too short to care what others think about me. I've learned that life isn't about holding in every single thing that someone did or said to hurt me, that I need to let go of those things and love where my life is NOW and where it is headed. I've learned to laugh again. I've learned to find the joy in the things my kids do instead of being sad that J wasn't there physically to see it happen. I've learned that there are still good people out there in this world. That despite never having met you or just having met you would sit and let you cry on their shoulder or give you a helping hand if you need it. I've learned that when C blurts out that his dad died to a complete stranger that its ok to just smile through the tears and that everything is ok. I've learned that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I've learned to never take for granted the nice things someone says to me. The encouragement someone gives me. I've learned to say I love you... every day every time to those I love. I've learned that you can't live this life with regrets. That I need to live to my fullest potential and I know I have a long way to go. I've learned that the fight up in Heaven is strong and getting stronger every day. And they have one of the best up there now. I've learned that its ok to move forward. I've learned that every day is full of some sort of challenge, its up to me to figure out how to make it or break it. I've learned that even if I feel as though I've failed in someway today that its ok because I still tried and I can start again tomorrow. I've learned that I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. That He's always there. I've learned that its ok to make mistakes, I just need to learn from them. I've learned that everyday I had with J was a gift. That everything that him and I went through was just to help prepare the way for everything else I've experienced. I've learned that both people in a relationship should know everything that is going on in the household, just in case of something happening. I've learned that you are ALWAYS stronger than you think. And I've learned that things that just about kill you make you so much stronger than you'd ever be with out them. I've learned that out of my trials have come so many blessings. I've learned that this is my cross to bear despite how hard it is to carry it sometimes. I've learned to be grateful, for time, for trials, for everything that has happened in the past year. Be it hard or easy. Not much has come easy but I've become stronger and who I am because of this past year. I know there have been days that I thought time would never pass. The heartache would never lessen. That the days wouldn't get easier for me. November 1, 2008 changed my life in a way I never expected. I've learned and grown so much because of this trial Heavenly Father has given me. Many blessings have come because of this trial. I wouldn't be the person I am without having gone through what I've gone through. And most of all I've learned more than ever to be GRATEFUL for everything and everyone that has ever touched my life or my kids lives. Grateful for those who have come into my life because of the things that have happened. Blessed by them being in my life. I've survived the first year. I've come out stronger.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

2 weeks have almost past since J's Birthday. That day was a hard day for me. Seemed like all I did was cry. Any little thought could set me off and I felt like a complete mess. It was hard to think of what things were like just a year ago. Remembering what J's birthday was like that year and how happy he was despite the fact that he knew in just 13 short days he'd be in the hospital to start the stem cell treatments. I think part of him was just excited to get it done and beat and to get it all over with. I think back and see what a whirlwind of a life I've lived since Oct. 7th of 2008. How much my life changed, and continues to change. After C got out of school we went and each kid picked out a balloon to send up to heaven for J. C picked a yellow smiley face
& K a balloon that said Happy Birthday. The kids then wrote their names on pieces of paper that I tied to each of their balloons. C only wanted to write his name. That way his dad would know that balloon was from him. K scribbled something that I'm sure J would completely understand. They always had a special bond and always will. I had each kid let their balloon go one at a time so we could watch them disappear into the sky. It didn't take long before we could no longer see them. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I seemed to have gotten most of it out of my system. It was more of a happy feeling to watch the kids let their balloons go and see how excited especially C was to be able to do that since he had been wondering how J would get his presents being up in heaven. I still struggle with that. Its hard to explain that to a 6 year old. Everything seems to be black and white to them at that age and yet things can be complicated to me and he see it so clearly. I think the best gift J gets is that he sees his kids everyday. He sees that we are living our lives and moving forward. That life is good. He sees how inquisitive C is and how much K is growing and coming along. That she loves to dance to her own rhythm and sometimes I think she does it just for J. Later that night we went to J's parents house to celebrate the life he lived. Everyone was given a yellow balloon and those that wanted to say something about J did so and let their balloon go. Others just let their balloons go in his memory. It was good for everyone. Helped in the healing process. C & K got to blow out the candles on the cake. We had brought mugs that J had collected from various places and let family pick out a mug to keep in his memory along with his sticker I had made for the funeral to place on the bottom of the mugs to remember him by. Despite the heartache and the tears, October 7, 2009 was a good day. A good day to remember J and the life he lived and to remember to always "Shake it Up".

Come Help Us Celebrate

With J's birthday quickly approaching we wanted to hold a celebration of his life on his birthday. Everyone wishing to help celebrate his life is more than welcome. (Let me know if you need directions.) iwearyellow@gmail.com

Shaping Who I Am....

Its strange to think in just a matter of days 11 months will have gone by and I find myself wondering how I'm going to feel when that day comes. Oct 29th... Am I going to be reliving everything that I went through up till the day he passed away? Will all those emotions come flooding back? Will I be as strong as I was a year ago? Or will I be stronger? I've been looking back at pictures from last year's October & looking at the pictures from the last day we all spent together as a family. It wasn't anything super special. It was a Sunday the day before J was to go into the hospital for his stem cell treatment. We carved a pumpkin with the kids & went trick or treating with his nieces & nephews around his parents neighborhood. His mom had set that up so J could see his kids trick or treat since he'd be in the hospital. We had no idea what lay ahead of us. We seemed to be happy go lucky... With the attitude that J always kept up " let's just get this done & beat". I think that helped both of us to be strong. Knowing that this trial of cancer would be short lived & life would go on. I remember that night after the kids got to bed J staying up late to make sure I'd have everything I'd need to run the house on my own. Passwords to accounts, my computer backed up, photos backed up & saved & he even had a Halloween card for the kids. At the time I really didn't think much of it. I kept telling him that he needed to get to bed & get his rest but he'd insist that he just had one more thing he had to do. He didn't want to leave me without having done certain things. I'm grateful that he had that insight to do what he did. Those 11 days he spent in the hospital were some of the hardest, saddest but there where happy moments too like when he got his stem cells back. I can still hear his voice & remember how he acted when they drugged him in order to give him back his cells. It still makes me smile. Its hard to think that just a few days later I got that c dreaded phone call that flipped our lives upside down. I've spent so much time lately thinking about how I felt, how I coped with things just weeks & months after his passing. Remembering the loneliness I felt. No matter how many people are around you, you still feel like you are walking in a fog. This isn't your reality & any day you are gonna get a call from him telling you he's all better & come pick him up at the hospital. But you never get that call & the days pass & things slowly get easier. You start to heal. You get stronger with every breath you take every step you take even if you take two steps backwards. 11 months passes & you start to look back at those pictures & remember those memories & I feel like its a different girl. My kids look so little, so fragile. I feel like I'm peeking in on someone else's life and in a way I am. Almost like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon ready or not but out facing the world. Just trying to make it one day at a time & finding other trials along the way that form & shape who I am.... Who I am becoming. Seeing my kids grow & thrive & seeing them happy & oh so grown up. That's been my blessing from all of this. Seeing that they are still happy despite what they lost. And they may have lost oh so much more than I did but they don't ever forget how much J still loves them. At the beginning I didn't want to look forward to where my life might go but now I can't wait to see where life takes us... Knowing that no matter where it takes us J is still there by our sides watching over us & guiding us to where we should be headed. I realize that if I get weak if I start to feel like I can't make it through anything J & my angel will be there by my side to lift me up & I have nothing to fear.

Heartache, Pain and Growth That Comes With It

I'm sitting here watching the cursor blink, not really knowing what to write. Feeling so many emotions. Feeling heartache for someone I've never even met. Never even heard her story. And feeling that flood of emotion that I'm sure she's experiencing right now. Remembering the day J passed away and realizing that I never really wrote my story down about the day J passed away. Something that I need for my kids to be able to read someday. Strange how even though almost 10 months have passed, I can bring back that day like it happened just minutes ago. Those thoughts and memories, feelings and heartache brought to the surface so quickly, so fresh. Wed.,October 29, 2008: I got a call around 11am as I was getting ready to head out the door to drop K at the babysitters and C off at school to head out to see J, the nurse at the hospital telling me that I needed to get to the hospital and then click... phone disconnected... I tried desperately to find the number of the hospital to call back and find out what was going on. My cell phone rang and it was the doctor telling me that something has happened to J. I need to get to the hospital asap. I remember getting in my car meeting my mom and handing off the kids to her. I was only a couple of blocks from the hospital when I rear ended someone. I remember all of a sudden my body and my spirit just separating and feeling like I was snapped back into my body when I hit the other car. No one was hurt but that cost me an extra hr before I made it to the hospital. Being put in a little room... the doctor telling J's parents and I that J had aspirated and coded. That they weren't sure how long he had been down. Maybe 5 to 20 min. A glimmer of hope? Maybe he'd be ok. He would survive and come out of it. I remember going back and forth to the bathroom to cry. Not wanting anyone to see me sob. Praying and asking that he'd be ok that I needed him, that we needed him. But I'd always end with... I'll understand. I still don't know why to this day that I'd say that. But every time it was the same. I'll understand. Thurs., October 30, 2008: I don't remember much from this day... not a lot happened but I do remember that by the end of that night I KNEW that this was it. Just a matter of time before J would be gone from this earth. I could tell when I'd be in his room when his spirit was there and when it was gone. It seemed to come and go as frequently as me or any other visitor would. I told him that night that I'd be ok. The kids would be ok and that it was ok if he had to go. Fri.,October 31, 2008: I got up that morning and went down to the hospital. They were to test J's brain waves and such and have the results soon. Still a strong heart beat but they said the meds that they were giving him were what was probably causing the brain activity and they'd do one last test Saturday morning. I spent the night at the hospital so that I could be by J one last time. Maybe part of me knew that, that would be the last night we'd spend together, I remember the hope I felt when he'd make those small movements from my cold hands touching his hand and how much he HATED when I had cold hands. That was the last glimmer of hope that I had Friday night as I drifted off to a dreamless sleep. I remember as I closed my eyes that everything was white. I'd wake up every so often as the nurses came in to check on J and I drift back off into my white state of sleep. Sat.,November 1, 2008: that morning I woke up waiting for the doctors to come in with the test results of his brain scan. I remember them taking me, my parents and J's parents into a room and sitting us down. The doctors never looking at me or talking to me directly. Always directing everything to my parents or J's parents. One doctor saying we needed to make a decision. That there was nothing more they could do for him, that it was probably his time to go. They would wait for me to let them know what I wanted to do. It was probably the hardest decision and yet the easiest decision for me to make in my whole life. J never wanted to be a vegetable and here he was not being able to live the life he wanted to live. I told everyone that if they wanted to say good bye they needed to do it that day. I knew that by the afternoon came it would be time for J to leave his earthly life behind. I remember asking the nurse if it was ok for the kids to come say goodbye to their dad. Up until this point they weren't even allowed to come on the floor and could only see their dad via web cam. I felt my heart break as I knew I'd have to let my kids see their dad one last time with tubes down his throat when just 11 days prior they saw him walk out the door somewhat healthy in their minds. Once everyone that wanted to say goodbye had come or called I took just the kids and I into J's room and sat down with them on my lap trying to hold back the tears as I explained to this 5 yr old boy that his daddy was about to go to heaven and live with Heavenly Father and Jesus. He looked at me with sad eyes and said "But then we won't be a family of 4 any more just a family of 3" I told him "No, we will always be a family of 4, That will never change. He may not live with us anymore but he will always be a apart of our family. " We sat there quiet for a few minutes and I asked C if he wanted to sing to his dad. He told me yes and I sat there with tears in my eyes as this sweet little boy sang I am A Child of God to his dad. The spirit in the room growing strong. I had the kids say good bye and my heart broke as K reached up and placed the angel bear that her dad had given her in his lap and turned to walk away. They kissed their dad goodbye and I sent them home with J's cousin. The time came and friends and family gathered in the room. The nurse came in and took out the tubes. I stood by J's side and looked at him and he opened his eyes and turned his head from right to left and stopped when he saw me. I thought you've got to be kidding me... but quickly his heart rate began to drop and I knew. I couldn't watch much more as the color drained from his face and my mom leaned over to me and said I needed to tell him goodbye. I told her I already had on Thurs and I couldn't do it again. She said I needed to let him know again. I held his hand as I stared at the bed and said I love you... we will be ok. Its ok to go. And he was gone. Just like that his spirit was gone. I bawled. I had just lost my best friend. This wasn't happening. It didn't happen. And yet I was still at peace. I'm still at peace to this day. I'm forever grateful for J and the blessing he gave me a year ago that still continues to bless my life. The blessing of peace and that I'd be able to handle everything that I'd need to handle. I've grown so much from this experience. Learned from my trials and seen the blessings that have come from them. I don't question WHY? Its not my place to. I know Heavenly Father has answers for me and when the time is right I will know WHY. But for now I'm at peace with where my life has been and where it is going. I'm healthy, happy and extremely blessed and I couldn't ask for more. I believe Heavenly Father needs these young spirits up there because the fight is getting tougher and he needs his best. J is one of his BEST.

August 11, 2008: The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

The waiting over, the last bit of hope drained from my very soul. Hearing the dreaded 6 letter word CANCER... my life, our lives, your lives changed in an instant. You can't deny it anymore. That word has been said. Shock, dismay, fear, courage, the fighter, hope. So many thoughts, feelings, fears going through my mind. Having to face my biggest fear just less than 3 months later... can't describe that feeling but it never goes away. That fear continues to live with me that anyone I know & love could be taken away from me in an instant. I don't know if remembering dates especially these certain ones is a blessing or a curse. Part of the fighter in me I guess. I can't pretend that my life, our lives, your lives weren't effected by CANCER. Maybe that's why I can't pass up anyone asking for donations to find a cure. I don't want anyone else to experience that heart ache I've felt and even still do when C asks if we can do something for his dad knowing its just not possible. C's birthday is coming up in the next week and I know one of the things that would make his day is if we could collect any spare change you have to donate to Cancer research so that someone else's dad doesn't have to go through what J did. That his son or daughter doesn't have to celebrate his birthday with their dad in the hospital. You'd be amazed at how fast a little spare change adds up. (Watch this video of C again from last year... If he can give up all his spare change and any money he had so can you.) If you'd like to donate your spare change please get a hold of me at iwearyellow (at)gmail(dot)com. Or donate here. Thank you... every little bit helps.

I Will Get You Help...

As the 9th month approaches since J's passing I've been thinking of some of the last things he and I talked about before that day that I got the call that forever changed my life. I don't know why I can remember dates so vividly but I do. I find that I never forget certain dates. Sunday October 26, 2008... I remember it was late. My brother and I went to visit J. I had had one of those harder days. I was struggling. I was feeling like I was getting no help. I felt sorry for myself. Sorry for the situation I was in. I remember those feelings so vividly. I remember taking a walk with J around the hospital floor where he was allowed to walk. I remember crying to him because I felt like I couldn't keep going on. Just before I left that night he hugged me good bye and said to me... "If you don't get help by Wednesday I will get help for you." I really didn't know what he meant by those words. But as the months have passed I have seen first hand in my life the help that J was talking about. Maybe he knew to some degree that his time here on earth was short but he never let anyone know that. He knew in his heart that he would get me help... J coded October 29th, 2008... that Wednesday that he told me he'd get me help. Help came in so many different ways... comfort, prayers,... and then he sent me the help that I really needed... my angel, he sent him my way. Someone to listen to me when I didn't want to talk to anyone else. Some one's shoulder to cry on. Someone to lift me up and carry me when I couldn't walk any more. J knew exactly what kind of help I really needed and never left my side from day one. He made sure that certain things fell into place so that I would get the help that I needed. That my kids and I would be taken care of. So as I sit here tonight and think about all the ways he's sent me help over the past 9 months I can't help but feel overwhelmed by his love for his family. That he'd move Heaven and Earth for us, especially me to send me the help that I needed so desperately. Especially when he couldn't be the one to be here for me. He sent me someone to do his part. Take care of me and those he left behind. I will be forever grateful to J for getting me help even if that meant he had to leave this earth and take care of things on the other side. I'm grateful for my angel and his help that has helped me get through this trial in my life. Without my angel I would be lost. I am grateful to J for guiding my angel to me and for continuing to guide us and help us all.

What If?

What if people weren't so judgemental? What if people didn't scrutinize other people's lives... watch their every move? What if they let them live their lives and not think to themselves (and some outloud) how they'd live their life differently if put in that situation? What if you could live your life without the worry of doing something the wrong way? What if you could live a happy life without everyone feeling as though you've wronged them... wronged J? What if people could just appreciate you for you... who you are as a person? Accept you for your strengths and your weaknesses and not judge you on any decision you make? What if J and I had made different decisons about his treatment of his cancer? What if we hadn't gone through with the stem cell? What if J hadn't died? I could sit here all day and say what if? But the truth of the matter is I can't answer any of these questions. The what if's of life. I had a dream about a week or so ago about me sitting down with a man and his wife and telling my story of J from start to finish. When I woke up from the dream I had all these what if's? in my head. I think all too often when something happens to us we sit back and think what if? What if things had happened different? What if I had done this different? Would the outcome be different completely or just slightly? Would it make a difference? I believe we all have a destiny... a chosen purpose on this life and even though we are free to make our own choices that there are just somethings that God over rides. He knows us better than anyone else. He knows what is best for us... where our lives need to head. There have been so many what if's since J died but I know Heavenly Father has pushed, prodded, shown me the way where I needed to be despite all the what if's that run through my head. I think most people sit back when something happens and think Why? I've never questioned why I've been given these trials. Just the what if's seem to run through my mind. I guess what it comes down to is I need to move past the what if's and wondering and just live my life in the here and now. I can't focus on the what if's in life... even the what if's of today of the little decisions I make. Or even the choices my own kids make. Life is life. It happens. Life can't be rewound so why spend the time on the what if's? Come what may and embrace it... continue to move forward...and most importantly enjoy the ride...

The Climb

(this photo was taken of K & J during on of the times he was having back pain)
A year ago I never thought I'd be where I am today... Never thought that my life would be so drastically different from what I had been living for the past 9.5 years. A year ago is when our lives started to change. J started to have really bad back pain and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. We thought maybe he had just pulled a muscle in his back. It would come and go every couple of weeks. Finally after the second time it came back and he just couldn't even move he decided to go to the doctor to try and figure out what it could be. Test after test and no diagnoses until August 8, 2008. That day will forever stick in my mind. That day forever changed our lives... changed how we thought, how we lived, the decisions we made. It has been an uphill battle for me for the past 8 months. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Not sure if this is really my life. Time seems to be flying past and yet the pain is still raw at times. I never know what will make me cry. I do know that I can't handle any movie where someone dies. That memory of being there with J as he passed on is too raw for me. Too painful. I don't think it will ever go away. Maybe I don't
want it to go away. Keeps me pushing forward. Because I did tell J that I would be ok and I am ok. I'm better than ok. I'm making that climb up the mountain. I know there will always be another mountain to climb but just like the song by Miley Cyrus (The Climb) its not about whats waiting on the other side but the climb... what have I learned from the past 8 months? The past year? I've learned to love more, love again and not to take for granted the little things in life and so much more. Sometimes my kids frustrate me to no end but at the end of the day I'm grateful for what I have been blessed with. I'm grateful for the hardships I've endured and continue to endure. I'm trying to learn from any battle I face and accept the fact that I may loose sometimes. But tomorrow is a new day and a new go at it. I try to not to let my faith falter... A lot of times that's all I have to go on is faith... faith that things will work out in the darkest of days. With out faith I know I'd constantly loose every battle I face and I wouldn't be so blessed. There are days I will just sit and look back at these mountains that have been put before me to climb and I wonder how I ever made it over certain mountains but I did and I grew so much from each climb I made. So even though just 8 short sometimes long months have past and maybe the hardest climb of my life has past me or is getting to that point I need to remember to keep strong and keep pushing on. That every struggle I face isn't about just getting to the otherside its about the climb and learning and growing from that. Life is good and I'm truly blessed....

Jumping In Feet First

They say you should always jump into water feet first. Especially water that you can't see the bottom to. There could be rocks at the bottom that you can't see. I feel like I've done just that... jumped in feet first, sorta tested the waters to see if it was safe. Now I know how to swim, its just how long can someone stay afloat with out the assistance of a life jacket or some other life saving device? Sometimes I've felt like I was about to drown, go under, other days I felt like I was floating... wearing that life jacket that would save my life. Another month has past. Hard to believe. 7 months. Not sure where the time has gone. Sometimes feeling like the current is rushing, pushing me forward, other times the current is slow, as I drift along. There have been things that I gave up after J died. I don't think I realized some of them until I actually started to do them again and had someone point them out to me or I realized it on my own. I never really realized that I sing whenever or where ever when I'm truly happy. Before J died I'd hear C all the time tell me to stop singing. Now I don't think I sing bad but I think the kid just didn't want to hear his mom more than neccesary...hahaha. I gave that up when J died. A few weeks ago I was caught singing in my room. I was startled, not expecting anyone to find me or hear me for that matter. He told me he could tell I was happy... when I asked him why he said cause you are singing and I've never heard you just sing like that before. It was then that I felt myself coming back to being me. Finding joy, happiness in the little things that I had unintentionally given up. I found my life jacket. The thing that will keep my head above water, and save me. Life is too short to NOT be happy. 7 months, long, short. My head bobbing up and down and at times feeling like I might drown, give up and not be able to go on. I'm not the type of person though to give up without some sort of fight. Neither was J. I watch the kids continue to grow, kids seem to always have their life jackets on. Can find happiness in the little things despite the grown up things they've faced in their short little lives. They are thriving. Happier than ever. C talks about J and remembers the little things and that makes me happy. K dances... all the time. And all though she probably doesn't remember a whole lot about J I think sometimes she just starts dancing just for J, music or not. Me and the kids have been truly blessed with the best of life jackets... J's been looking out for us. Sending us who and what we need when we truly need it most. He hasn't forgotten us and we haven't forgotten him. Its been a rough current at times, and I feel like the water is just starting to calm down. This doesn't mean that I will take off my life jacket. Oh no, J sent me that just in time. That's his special gift to me and I will be forever grateful for that.

I Miss My Dad

(this is one of C's favorite pics of him and J... this was taken just after J started his
first round of chemo when he was diagnosed the first time with cancer. C was just 3 yrs old.)

I wasn't expecting what happened tonight to happen. I wasn't expecting to have C look at me as I sat there beside his bed telling him everyone who loved him and seeing tears roll down those cheeks of his when I said his dad loved him. I tried to push back the tears welling up in my own eyes. I didn't want to upset C more by him seeing me cry. He told me he missed his dad... Now I've heard this before but usually it was because he wanted to stay up. This time I knew he really meant it. My heart ached. I started to pray that J would be by C's side tonight. He needs that. He needs to be able to feel his dad's presence. I asked C if there was someone he wanted to talk to and then was able to get him on the phone. I listened to the one sided conversation and knew that C was being asked what he missed about his dad. He replied I miss playing Lego Indiana Jones with him... he was really good at it, we are both really good at it. I couldn't do anything but sit there and continue to listen to his conversation and cry, remembering all those nights that J and I would play that game just so C could watch us. It was one of his favorite things to do. I listened as C continued to talk about J and what a good hider he was when it came to hide n' seek games and listened to C's voice start to become happy again as he remembered those couple of memories of his dad. It breaks my heart to see that sweet little boy cry and for the first time really miss his dad. I know this is the first of many times that he'll break down in tears, I just pray that he'll always be able to remember those special things about his dad. That J will be able to whisper in his ear when he seems to have trouble remembering and when he needs it most will be able to feel those arms wrapped around him and know that his dad is right there beside him. I have no doubt that J will be right there.

I'm the Lucky One

Tomorrow marks 6 months that have passed. Seems like a strange dream. An altered reality. I think back to 6 months ago when there were days I thought I'd never be happy again. Find happiness again. Be doomed to live life as a single mom & I didn't want that. There were nights that I'd cry and pray that J would just come and take care of the kids, lull them to sleep because I just couldn't do it anymore. Night time was the hardest part of the day. I'd watch the clock & the days seemed so long. Now I find my self glimpsing at the calendar to see what day it is and wonder where the time has gone. Those first 3 months seemed to go by so slow. The agonizing days. Time seeming to stand still. Grief & sadness holding me back. Me trying to fight my reality... Accept my reality. Finally I broke free from the binds of time that were holding me back. I allowed myself to be happy again. Allowed that girl that was buried beneath everything every pain, every hurt, every denial to break back out slowly but surely. I still cry from time to time. Especially when I look at pictures of J & the kids that are hanging in their rooms. That may always be hard for me. I don't know. Its a strange feeling looking at those pictures. I can almost feel him there next to me smiling and putting his arm around me. Whispering in my ear and telling me he's proud of me. That he's happy to see me happy & that I'm finding the girl inside of me that he had fallen in love with all those years ago...and to me I feel lucky... lucky to have someone like that up there in heaven watching over me and my kids... and lucky to have found true happiness again, someone to make me smile and always be by my side and someone watching over me always up there in heaven. Yes I'm the lucky one.

DENIAL

Denial is the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.

The day J died I walked through the door marked DENIAL in big bold letters. It was safe there. Easier to hang out in that room than deal with my reality that I was now a single mom of 2 kids under the age of 5. I hung out there for a good month and a half before I was brought to my knees from the pain and the reality I was forced to face. December 17, 2008. I will never forget that night. I hadn't cried that much ever. Especially after J had died. The pain was so overwhelming. So hard to deal with. I hated being alone. I hated being a single mom. I hated going through J's stuff and seeing the little things that he had thought of ahead of time because he knew he'd be sick and in the hospital. See J wasn't one to think ahead like that. He usually was a last minute kind of guy. I was already struggling with everything when I found the anniversary card he had bought just days after his birthday. 3 months before it was even going to be our 10 year anniversary. I finally fell to my knees no longer able to handle the heartache. I was running full speed out of that room that had the sign on the door DENIAL. I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I knew I needed to face my reality no matter how harsh or unfair I thought it was. Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about how far I've come since that day. The day I stepped out of that foggy room and into the real world where things were becoming more black and white everyday. But, at the same time I find myself looking at pictures of J and the kids together and I hear that knocking on the door. The DENIAL door. Beckoning me to come back in and hide out where its safe. No one to judge you for the decisions you've made. No one to tell you what you should or shouldn't do or how you should feel or where you should be in your grieving process. And I think how easy it would be to just turn the knob and walk back thru. Pretend like it was just a bad dream. That it didn't happen. But, then I snap myself back to reality and despite everything that has happened to me over the past 5.5 months I can truly say I'm happy that I broke out of that room. Walked out and never went back. I'm so much happier. A strong determined soul. And even though that DENIAL door looks so tempting I can't ever bring myself to turn that handle again. I don't want to. Its hard to admit things about yourself. That you are weak at times. But I think that's the first step in walking out that door, out of that room that I had shut myself in, and being able to recognize it now that its still there in the shadows lurking is a huge step away from it as well. All this is part of my past but without it I wouldn't be able to grow. See things in a different light. Be accepting of my weaknesses and recognizing them. Because all too often its easier to walk through that door and never look back. Be safe. But, I don't want to be in that room... EVER again. And to me that tells me I've come a long way despite what other people may think or feel, cause I refuse to walk thru that door of DENIAL ever again.

I Am A Survivor

Its just an hour or so before Relay for Life...I feel my past, present & my future colliding. No where to run. Can't hide from it this time. Have to face it head on whether I want to or not. This will be good for me. A chance to face my fear of breaking down at any given moment. That fear has gone away for the most part but its still there. And going to do something like this makes me stop for a min and think about my life. Where its been where its headed. I start looking at the pictures of J and memories rush back. That feeling of wanting to be in denial so strong. That feeling of walking in a dream starts to cloud my mind. I feel J's presence. Almost like it never happened. But it did and that is my reality. This relay isn't just bout those who have survived cancer. I think for me its proving to myself that I am a survivor too. Maybe not a survivor of cancer but a survivor of this trial. I've made it this far and I can keep going. I believe J would be so proud of me. For facing this head on when so many times I've wanted to just give up because I felt life was getting too hard. I know J never would have given up so neither can I. He may not have been able to say he was a survivor but he can say without a doubt that he was a fighter and I've just got to carry on and be the survivor for him. I believe I can do that. I've had so much love, support and prayers sent my way, without it I wouldn't be surviving everyday so thank you and thank you to those who donated to the cause.

If Today Was Your Last Day

As I was driving to the cemetery this afternoon this song came on the radio: If Today Was Your Last Day, As I read the words to the song as I was listening to it later, I had such a peace come over me, wash over me. I started to wonder if today was my last day what would I change? Would I be happy with the life I am living? Would I continue to wait for people to tell me that it was ok to move forward? Would I fall in love again? Would I make my mark by mending a broken heart? Would I donate every dime I had? Forgive my enemies? Let anything stand in my way? Although life has thrown me a curve ball or two I am happy. I am living my life and trying to take it day by day. I sat next to J's grave for a while this afternoon thinking about this song. Wondering if he would have changed anything had he known when his last day was. I think all too often we get caught up in the mundane of everyday life and forget to live life to its fullest. Live like today was our last. Would you love more, hurt less, forgive, reminisce? Losing J has been really hard, my hardest trial yet, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. That Heavenly Father has a plan for us all and I need to live my life to the fullest. I know that's what J would want. He'd want me to live my life like I'll never live it twice. Say goodbye to the past, the hurt, the anger and just keep moving forward. Remember the good times and to remember that each day I get here on earth is a gift. Not my given right. I can't be afraid to live, to fight for what I believe in and for what I want. This trial has been a way for me not only grow as a person but a way for me to appreciate life and what I have in it. This trial is for me to realize I need to live my life like today is my last day...

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Relay For Life

On April 17th J's family and I will be doing Relay for Life. I am trying to raise as much money to donate as possible. Everyone will be touched by cancer in someway at sometime in their lifetime. Together we can make a difference. Help fight back against the disease. Please help us out by donating even if it is only the minimum of $5. Thank you in advance for your donations and for touching our lives for the good. Please click here to donate online. If you would like to donate some other way please contact me at iwearyellow (at) gmail (dot) com.

Relay For Life is the American Cancer Society’s signature activity. It offers everyone in a community an opportunity to participate in the fight against cancer. Teams of people camp out at a local high school, park, or fairground and take turns walking or running around a track or path. Each team is asked to have a representative on the track at all times during the event. Relays are an overnight event, up to 24 hours in length.

Relay For Life is a life-changing event that brings together more than 3.5 million people to:

• Celebrate the lives of those who have battled cancer. The strength of survivors inspires others to continue to fight.
• Remember loved ones lost to the disease. At Relay, people who have walked alongside people battling cancer can grieve and find healing.
• Fight Back. We Relay because we have been touched by cancer and desperately want to put an end to the disease.

For further information on the event, please visit RelayForLife.org.

Days Like Today

Days like today are hard. Actually most Sundays are hard for one reason or another. Sometimes its just getting the kids ready for church cause they just want to constantly fight me or each other. Feeling that failure as a mother. Not being able to keep my kids in check, in line. Maybe I'm fooling myself that I actually had some sort of control before J passed away. Maybe I never did. Who knows. Trying to figure that all out. Not sure if I ever will. Today I feel drained. I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel heartache. I think I know how to fix things but I seem to just make things worse. Try to tell myself that I'm doing the best that I can do... but am I really? Probably not. Probably why I feel the way I do. I was spoiled with J around always there to help me out with stuff and pretty much take care of everything. I think I lived a sheltered life. No, I know I lived a sheltered life. Welcome to the real world... Slap up side the head. I haven't a clue to as what I'm doing. 5 months and I still can't figure it all out. I'm proud of what I have accomplished which may not seem like much to most but being able to get my kids on some sort of bedtime schedule is a huge deal to me. Taking my car to get the oil changed or just driving to another city an hour away even if I get lost sometimes is a HUGE step for me. And yet I still feel like I have so much farther to go. All I know is I'm trying my hardest. But, I'm sure people don't see it that way. And that's ok. I have my days that are hard emotionally, physically and I tried to just hide that. I admit that today I just feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Missing J and feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job. Feeling like I have so much stuff to fix or change or improve on when it comes to myself. All I know is I can only take one step forward at a time. I'm tired of this roller coaster. I HATE roller coasters. I want it to stop so I can get off. I know this is all part of the process but I'm really tired of the process. Life does continue to get better everyday. Somethings become easier with time and practice. Just gotta keep my head up and keep plugging away. Someday I will have it all together but until then we may not have it all together but together we have it all. I have my kids and that means the world to me.

Wake Me Up When Today Ends

I woke up feeling just fine but somehow the day turned. Tears flow easily at the littlest thought. Although my days like this have become farther apart today has been different than any other day. Somehow I was shoved back to that day Oct. 29th. 11:15am. I got that dreaded call that no one hopes to get at anytime of their life. Come to the hospital now. My life was forever changed by those words. Today I ran into the house to do a simple task before heading out again and found myself in hysterical crying. No one to turn to. No one to hold me and just let me cry. Me trying to pull it together just so I could get back to my life, finish what I needed to do today. Trying to push aside those memories from that day. Remembering everything so vividly. Feeling that pain. Wanting the hurt to stop. I still feel it. Its raw like it happened just minutes ago. Remembering everything that was done, said, felt, heard. I don't know what it is, maybe it was because I thought that the 1st was quickly approaching and 5 months has past. 5 months without J by my side. 5 months without hearing his voice, seeing his face other than pictures, feeling his arms around me. Seeing how excited the kids would get when he'd come home from work. I'm left with this empty feeling inside. A loneliness. I try to get it out of my head, out of my heart but it will always be there to some degree. Watching C everyday become more and more like J can add to the heartache but at the same time brings me happiness. Being able to see J in C is one of the blessings that was left behind in J's passing. I try not to think about what me or the kids lost. Try to see the positive in all of it. Today is a bit harder. I just want to shake that feeling. Those memories. Those thoughts. Those senses from that day. I can't completely erase that memory. I don't know that I'd want to, because of what happened that day has forever changed me as a person. Made me who I am and who I am becoming. I can't wish that part away. Because of that day I am strong. I am me. I am human. I hurt. I cry. I laugh. I love. And life still goes on. Life is good. I'm happier than I have ever been since J's passing. Some days are easier than the next. But for today I want to be woken up when today ends. And that's ok. Its part of the loss. Part of the pain. Part of the healing process. And I know I will be ok. The hurt and the pain will subside, and life will once again start moving forward. I will continue to be happy and move forward. For the first time since J passed I don't feel like I'm taking two steps back when I have a day like this. I actually feel like I'm still moving forward. Just a little bit slower, but moving forward still. And that helps me smile a little. Knowing I'm healing and can actually feel that despite the day I'm having.

Amazing Generosity

I'm overwhelmed at the generosity of people. The goodness of people. I have been blessed by so many people who have sent us money. Some even anonymously. I received such a letter as I was rushing out the door yesterday afternoon. I swung by the mailbox to find a letter addresses to me with no return address. No name, nothing. I sat in the car and opened the envelope. As I saw this picture of K and J I started to get the chills... they continued as I read the note that was attached. As I opened the letter more I saw that this guy had sent me and my kids money. Although he feels it wasn't much I was overwhelmed. He too had testicular cancer and has a sweet family. I don't know who he is and he says he doesn't know who I am but he was told of my story by a friend and was touched. I am very grateful for what he did. He didn't have to, I know money is tight for everyone these days and I am just overwhelmed by that sweet gesture. (I'm still overwhelmed) I'm am so grateful to those who have sent money for the kids and I. There is nothing I can do or say but be thankful beyond belief. There are really good people in this world. I am and will be forever grateful to those who have sent money, said prayers, watched my kids, called me just to talk, and think about us on a daily basis. You have forever touched our lives. So Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

A Dream that Leaves Me with Peace

I awoke this morning from a vivid dream. A dream that was so real. A dream that gave me peace and comfort in my life. That the decisions I'm making are right and that J supports me in where my life is going. I dreamed that I was at my parents house. I was handed a card that J had written to me. In it said he would send me a companion , not someone to replace him but, someone to pick up where he left off. Take care of his legacy and carry it on. I remember crying in the dream because I felt as though that was truly heaven sent. Later on in the day I was out by my self and decided to head over to the cemetery as I drove I felt strongly that J was in the car with me. I got to the cemetery and got out and walked over to his grave. As I stood there talking to him I could feel his presence there standing next to me. I was filled with peace as I told him about what has been going on in my life. I knew the decisions I was making were right and he approved and was just confirming to me that he had a hand in who and what was making me happy. I got back into the car and I knew he was no longer with me. I missed that. I liked feeling his presence with me. It was what I needed. What I had been praying for. I know he knew that and Heavenly Father knew that. I haven't felt that close to J in a while and it meant so much to me. I know he's been around I just haven't paid attention or been looking for it. I've been blessed a lot in my life and I count this as another blessing that has been added to my life. I know J won't just up and leave because another guy steps into my life. He will stick around and help guide him as well.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Yesterday marked 4 months since J passed away. Its strange how I can forget about time... forget what day it is. Not remember the date all month along but the 1st comes and it hits me. I remember. I'm taken back to that day. I miss him. I feel like it was yesterday. But, the heartache isn't the same. I will always love him but this heart of mine is healing. I was in C's room putting stuff away and looked up at the pictures of J that I have hanging in his wall and I just started to cry. I miss J. I was crying because of the memories we had made together. I started to pray that J would be able to visit me tonight. That he'd come and let me know its ok to move on. That everything is ok. I know he would want me to move forward and fall in love again. I just want that reassurance. That peace that I already feel to some degree but need to feel it from him as well. So when you pray tonight pray that I will have that peace in my heart, in my home, for me and for my kids. Pray that J will visit me and let me know. I can look back and see over these past 4 months how far I've come. That I've learned to dance in the rain and not just weather the storm. I know time will continue to go by and I will continue to heal and start to find that love again in my life. And yet at times I can see how far I've come yet the wound still feels fresh as if yesterday. I know time will take that away but till then how do you take that sadness away? All I know to do is cry... let myself feel this way...let it all out. Let those bottled up emotions go. I feel like two different people at the same time. The first girl is crying because of what she's lost and the second girl is feeling so happy and alive because of where her life is going. How its changed. Both feeling opposite feelings. Feeling the happiness and the sadness at the same time. Its overwhelming... a struggle at times. But, all this is making me stronger, helping me heal & its ok. I will be ok. I'm happy...

Raw Emotions

Why is when you feel like you've made some sort of progress in the whole healing process that you feel like you can take on something? I started turning this blog into a book. A book that myself or my kids or whoever can read someday. I was working on putting each post where I wanted it to be, in doing so I started to read bits and pieces of those days that I posted. I was instantly taken back to that place, time, date. Those raw emotions flooded to the surface as though it was yesterday, or even 5 min ago. The pain, the heartache. But, I felt those emotions for someone else. Some other girl. Like an out of body experience. I hurt for her. For what she's gone through. What's she's experienced. Felt the hurt of losing her best friend, husband and father of her children. I could feel the emotion, the excitement as I got closer to J getting his stem cells back and then the hurt, the pain as things went horribly wrong. The begging for peace, not for just her but for her kids. I couldn't stop. I kept going until I got to here. Today. This girl. Same girl. Yet different. Changed. Pain is still there. Just the pain is for that other girl. How do you take that away? Does it ever go away? Does the feeling of feeling like you're healing and taking a step forward but two steps backwards ever go away? I don't know. Maybe this is what I needed. To face what I've been through. See it through different eyes. Reevaluate. Feel. Experience. Heal.

Determined Soul

"There is no chance, no fate, no destiny...that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a DETERMINED SOUL!"

Cancer...its a nasty 6 letter word that no one should ever have to hear. It changes your life and those around you within seconds of hearing it. You can choose to let it make you bitter or you can choose to let it make you a stronger person because of it. I remember the first time I heard that word come out of J's mouth when he was first diagnosed. I was 7 months pregnant at the time with K. I couldn't believe it. That couldn't be happening. It was the 11th of December 2006 and my world seemed to be crashing in on me. And it happened again on August 11th, 2008. I'm sure anyone who has experienced that word whether it be for themselves or someone they love they know that feeling. Feeling helpless. Feeling cheated. Wondering why or how this happened. Cancer knows no race, it doesn't care if you are a son, a daughter, mother, father, kid, grandparent. It doesn't care if you can afford the treatments that can save your life. It hits you at anytime and anywhere. I've been thinking about the effects of cancer on someone lately. Not just how it effects them physically but mentally. Its hard. It effects everyone that comes into contact with them. Everyone that has ever known them. Recently a friend of mine found out that his mom's breast cancer has come back. My heart sank when I heard the news. I cried. It was about the same timing as J's coming back. I knew exactly how he felt, how everyone in her family felt. That helpless feeling. Feeling scared because they've already beat cancer once. What are the chances of a second time? How are they going to do this again? What is going to happen? What are the options the second time around? More chemo? Something different? Radiation? I believe in a fighting spirit. J had that fighting spirit and I know my friend's mom does too. Often times in life I think we forget that we have that in us too. We don't have to be diagnosed with cancer to gain that fighting spirit. I think its inside all of us. Its just up to us to decided if we want to fight whatever battle that is put in front of us. That we all have these trials put before us, some change as life goes on. The trial I went through with J and him having cancer has changed into me being left alone with two kids to raise. But, I'm a fighter and just like my friends mom I'm not willing to EVER give up. Each day that goes by that I make it through without pulling my hair out makes me who I am. Makes me stronger. I choose to be stronger because of all of this and not be bitter. I can't be. I don't want to be. What was the point of this post? I'm not really sure... but I do know that Cancer Sucks but attitude is what gets you from point A to point B. I'm letting my trials make me a stronger not bitter. And I'm going to be a determined soul. Not giving up. I'm working towards my happy ending. Everyone has one. It just takes awhile to get there sometimes. I'm learning to see the beauty around me again. Opening up my eyes to see that the world isn't such a bad place. That I have all the love and support I could ask for and more. That everyday is a step closer to finding that happy ending to my story. And I am a DETERMINED SOUL and so is she.

Something Special

I've had some collage frames since Thanksgiving that I've wanted to put pictures of J and the kids in. I just haven't been able to sit and look at the pictures till today. I thought I'd sit here and bawl my eyes out but I didn't. I was taken back down memory lane and remembered the good times they had with their dad. Didn't think about what they were missing out on but how much he loves them. You can see it in his face. I miss the fact that I can't take pictures of him and the kids but looking at the pictures I was able to smile. Another step for me. My heart is healing. I grow stronger with each day. This made me stronger. I'm excited to get the pictures hung up in the kids rooms so that they can look and see their dad everyday and know that he has and always will love them. He was a great dad to them. Just remembering and looking at the photos, seeing the kids faces light up when he walked through the door makes me happy. Makes the hurt, hurt less. These pictures are what is going to keep his memory alive with the kids. Because you can tell stories over and over but being able to see the memories makes a huge difference I believe. They tell their own story with out having words attached. I hope they will be able to look at these pictures and remember and feel happy. I know it will be hard to remember as they get older and especially for K but seeing these happy memories should help remind them that even though he's no longer around he's still watching over them daily and smiling and laughing right along the side of them. And that's something special to me.

Mixed Emotions

I've had J's truck stuffed to the brim with items that needed to be donated for almost 6 weeks. Mostly his clothes and things that just didn't hold any real meaning that need to be held onto were in the truck. As I started up his truck today to take everything down to be donated I smiled. I sat there for a minute listening to the rumble of his truck that I'd always hear come 6pm. I backed out of the driveway looked at the passenger side and said out loud "Wanna go for a ride Jeff?". It was kinda our time. I don't know if he was there. I never sensed anything but for a little while I felt as though I didn't have a care in the world. I was in my own little world. At peace with where my life had been, where it is and where it is going. I felt happy. Felt like I was moving forward and felt that peace of healing. As I drove down the freeway, every now and then I'd look at the back of the truck and see the bags of clothing and other items that belonged to J and felt a little sad. Almost like I was unloading a huge piece of my life. In a sense I was. As I helped the guy unload everything from the truck I felt that sadness go away. It was only stuff. It wasn't who he was. I kept anything that had meaning, that would remind my kids of him someday. It was just a strange feeling to be happy yet sad at the same time. Sad to see that part of my life be gone that I had sitting in my garage, and to see that everyday. But, happy that I was able to move forward with my life and feel good about it. Feel like J was there pushing me along as I'm sure he does everyday. Giving me the strength to keep going when I just want to throw in the towel. I spent a good 45 min. driving around in that truck. I didn't realize how much I had missed riding in that truck. It was J's baby. He loved that truck. It helped me feel connected to him and at peace at the same time. The first time I ever drove the truck after he died I felt a lot of sadness. This time it was just a joy ride and I liked that. I haven't taken the truck out that often but I might now more, just so I can ask him if he wants to go for a ride with me...

Stronger Than The Last...

I've been thinking back over the past 6 months, back to when J was first diagnosed again and I started to think about how much I've changed. How much stronger I've become. How with each trial I've started over again as a new girl. Stronger than the last. I get stronger with each day. With each thing that I accomplish. Even if its only that I didn't totally loose my mind that day. That's something. Another step towards being healed. Everyday I feel the heartache lessen, the anger melt away and I get stronger. I wish I could say today that it was one of those days that was just great but it wasn't. The kids pushed me to my limits and I found myself wishing things were different and then I had to stop myself and realize that wishing wasn't gonna get me anywhere. So I changed my thinking, just tried to breath and some days that's just gonna have to be good enough. I'm not perfect. I've gotta realize that, and that I'm just doing the best I can do and everyday that I make it through makes me stronger.

I Can't Do It Alone

I've been struggling for a while. My faith tested. I've been hurt, but mostly I've been angry. Angry at J for leaving me, angry at myself for not being able to run a house hold on my own. Get my kids to obey. Thing is I didn't really see that I was angry. At least I was in denial about it all. Trying to avoid all the feelings of grief, I found it was easier for me to just be in denial that I wasn't ok. That I was hurting. I let my faith falter and my understanding go by the way side. The day J coded I sat in the hospital bathroom confused yet all I could pray was, I need him, my kids need him, BUT, I will understand. I have no idea why these words constantly came to my mind every time I prayed that J would come out of it. That he would be ok that our family would be made whole again. My trial has changed. Its changed from being a single mom to my trial of faith and understanding of time. As I went through the first month after J's passing I felt grateful for the time we did have together. I was able to feel that gratitude for what God had given to me. But as the time passed and tasks came along that required me to find things that J could easily give me the answers to if he was here I found myself becoming angry at him. Angry that he left such a mess for me to clean up and straighten out. But, how could it be his fault? He didn't choose to die. He never would have stepped foot in that hospital had he know he'd never come home. I became angry at myself because I felt I couldn't do everything that being a single mom entails. I became angry because I am not perfect. That I make mistakes and I yell at my kids, get frustrated at strangers. I found myself being upset over the stupid little things like being put on hold just so I could cancel a credit card. Didn't these people understand how hard it was just to do things on a daily basis? That no matter how many people gave me their condolences that it wasn't gonna make me feel any better? Wouldn't change a thing? A good friend of mine spoke to me and told me that I needed to fall to my knees and have my hands outstretched instead of standing up with my fists in the air. To let go of the anger. That isn't me and its only holding me back from truly healing. I know this is true. Somehow I let myself let go of seeing the big picture. Of being grateful for what I had and continue to have. I stopped liking the person I am. I miss that girl who saw everything ever day and found something to be grateful despite the heartache I was experiencing. My parents gave me a book for my birthday by Brent L. Top titled: When You Can't Do It Alone Take the Savior's Hand. I started reading it today and I've almost made it to the end. It made me realize that I had strayed away from the Savior. That I had let myself be angry and in turn pushed him away. As I read the book I felt the anger melt away from me and felt that peace of mind, heart and soul that J had blessed me with before he entered the hospital. I started to count my blessings despite my hardships. "Gratitude saves us from wasting our spiritual and emotional powers when we focus so much on how bad we have it, what we don't have, or how we wish things were different." I started to see again how good God has been to me. I decided that I need to look everyday and count my blessings no matter how small and write them down. So that in a year from now I will be able to look back and see how truly I've been blessed. "Failure to see the hand of God in our lives in true perspective actually leaves us with a warped view of our real circumstances and true selves." How true this statement is. I've had a warped view of my real circumstances and true self for the past month. Maybe because I felt it easier to blame someone else for my circumstances instead of accepting my reality or just being grateful for what I did have and continue to have. I need to live in Thanksgiving daily, not just when I find it convenient for me. Brent L. Top goes on to say " You may feel that you are not rich in blessings, but you are! Even our trials and what we don't have, in reality, are blessings." I have been so blessed through this trial. I just haven't taken the time to step back and see it because I was too busy being angry by it. I know anger is part of the grieving process, but I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to give it all up and for me I know that will be something I battle on a daily basis until I don't have to remind myself to let it go. I have to trust in God, have faith not only in him but in myself. That I can and am doing the best that I can be doing. That I don't have to be angry. That I am truly blessed. That even though I have a huge loss and a hole in my heart that I have been blessed. Blessed to have my kids, the time I had with J, the time they had with J,blessed by the prayers of friends, family, and strangers. Blessed with the outpouring of love and prayers for me, for my kids. "God's power is always there and always available." I have a scripture that I often read especially when J was out of town or in the hospital and it always made me feel better. That I wasn't alone and that I could have that peace of mind.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you...
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: Not as the
world giveth, give I unto you, Let not your heart be troubled,
neither let it be afraid. (John 14:18, 27)

I need to remember that Heavenly Father will not leave me comfortless. That I need to turn to him when I can't do it alone anymore and he will strengthen me and bear me up. When I can no longer stand that I should fall to my knees with open palms and an open spirit and put my trust in him.

Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported
in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall
be lifted up at that last day. (Alma 36:3)

From this day forward, I resolve to put my faith back into myself, trust in the Lord and in his timing of everything. I will count my blessings everyday may they be big or small. I will find little random acts of kindness to reach out to someone. And serve. Because when I gave myself all to serving J while he was sick I was at my happiest. At times I think that may be my own kids that need to be served. That they need that from me and I need to be able to give that to them and the only way I can is by giving up that anger I have inside of me, so that I can become the best person and mom out there that I can be. I know that Christ is standing there with his hand outstretched just waiting for me to grab a hold before I drown. Its up to me to grab on and hold tight because I can't do this alone. Try as I might, I know I can't and he knows I can't.

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and
on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine
angels round about you, to bear you up. (D&C 84:88)

Be Ok

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I just wanna be ok today... Feel today... Know that maybe I will be ok....

These song lyrics seem to have been written just for me. How I feel today. I just wanna be ok today. But, I know that won't always be the case. That I can't speed up time wish time away. And the funny thing is these past 3 months time has gone by so slowly that its felt like 3 long years instead of what everyone else would see as just 3 months, long or short to them. I woke up today feeling like I was no longer walking in my daze, a fog of sorts. Feeling that reality hit like a ton of bricks. I took my wedding ring to be cleaned today and as I wore it on my finger I didn't even notice it was there even though its been months since I last wore it. As I looked at it I felt disconnected from the person that used to wear it. It was a past life of mine. The ring didn't mean the same. It was strange to feel that way. As I took J and I's rings and put them in the safe I had this feeling of it was ok. That I was now ok to be moving on. To feel ok about moving on. I know everyone has in their heads when they think or feel they'd be ready to move on if they were in my shoes. But, I don't really think anyone knows. No one can be the judge of that but me. Unless you walk a mile in my shoes no one ever would know when it was time to be ok. Everyone has their own time line. No ones time line is the same. Its whether or not you choose to be happy for that person when they feel it is time to move on, for them to be ok where their life has taken them. A big fear for me is that my friends and family won't be ok with me moving on when that time comes, when I feel like the time is right. Its important for me to feel that they are ok with me moving on and support me even when they may not feel that the time is right in their minds. I need to feel that support from them knowing that they know I made that decision because I felt it was right for me in order for me to be happy. Today was a huge step, almost like a leap for me in moving forward... being ok. I finally don't feel like I'm gonna go to bed at night and think when I wake up this nightmare will be over. Because I don't see my reality as a nightmare anymore. I see it as my chance to grow. To come out of the shell of a person that I once was. That I am a different person than who was married to J and not in a bad way. I seem to be finding out who I am as a person on my own. Yes I have 2 kids, but they don't define me as a person. I've found myself adventuring out and not being afraid of being alone at night, not afraid to pack up the kids and head out on a road trip. Feeling and knowing that no matter how hard my life may feel at times I'm starting to be ok. Starting to feel like I'm coming into my own as a person, not just as a mom or when I was a wife. But, my own person who knows when the time is right for her to move on in every sense. No one can tell me when I should feel the time is right, no one will be able to pin point when I'm gonna be ok. Only I can and only I can make myself happy. Trying to please everyone and make everyone happy all the time just isn't gonna work for me. Its not gonna make me happy. I'm starting to feel happy again. Trying to put myself first. My healing first so that I can be the best person I can be. Be the best mom I can be. Knowing that I will never be the same person I was before J died. I'm ok with that. Because even though I lost something and went through something so hard its made me a stronger person, someone who has become independent. Someone who is seeking what makes me happy so that I can be the best person out there. Change is hard, being forced to do something you don't want to do but know you have to do is hard. Its hard to sit back and think for a second what it would be like to walk around in someone else's shoes. Because you feel their heartache and you don't think you could possibly ever do what they are having to do, go through. But the truth of the matter is for me, all I can do is choose to be happy and hope that people will be happy with me being ok and moving on with my life. I'm ok with looking at pictures of J and I. I'm not sad anymore that he's not there to take pictures with me because I know he still loves me and always will and that he'd want me to be happy no matter what. I still can't look at pictures of J with the kids. I may never be ok with that and that's ok. But a huge part of the healing process has started. Time is picking up and for me that's huge. That means I'm ok with not having J by my side. I miss him. But I'm ok. I've come to terms with that. I know I can make it in this life and not be afraid or feel sad. I know that he'll always be by my side. That when that guy comes along he'll still be by my side and never leave. That he loves me always. That he loves my kids always. And that just like I told him, that I will be ok. I am so much closer to being ok. Everyday is a step closer in that direction. I'm moving towards being ok and embracing where ever my life may take me.