Stronger Than Cancer: Enduring to the End (the book/ebook)

I've finished "the book". 3+ years of tears, heart ache, joy and happiness combined all into this book. Time to wrap up this "novel" of my life. Time to write a new book. Thank you to everyone for following my story, for supporting me and loving me and my family. You've truly touched my life for the better. You can purchase it here. You can also buy the iPad/iPhone version.

Stronger Than Cancer: Enduring to the End by Emily Otteson | Make Your Own Book

3 years later...

Has it really been 3 years? ! Funny how not long ago time was ticking slowly by. Now I see it whizzing by, & I'm trying to get it to slow down just a little bit. Carter turned 8 in August and is going to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in the middle of November. Jeff, I'm sure is so proud of him. Sometimes I still see him as that little 5 year old boy, so young and he's now growing into a young man! Kennedy is 4.5 years old, quiet the chatterbox and the most complimentary child I've ever met. She always has something nice to say to someone. She reminds me of Jeff in that way. He's probably shocked at how much she talks when he tunes in to see her. We thought she'd never talk sometimes and now we wonder if she's ever going to stop talking. Tony & I have been married 2.5 years now and have welcomed 2 additional children to our family. Adalynn is now 21 months old and a spit fire child. She knows who Jeff is and its so fun to see her recognize him and accept him as a part of our family. In September we welcomed a much anticipated baby boy (Channing) to our family. We couldn't be happier. The kids so desperately wanted a brother and were ecstatic when they found out they were getting their wish. Carter is happy to finally have a brother and is a great help with him. Life seems to keep moving forward no matter what challenges come along. Life is good, not always easy or fun but in the end its worth it. I love seeing my kids grow and knowing that Jeff is constantly watching over us. I look forward to Carter's baptism and Channing's blessing because I know Jeff will be there right next to Tony continuing to guide him and help him. I know how truly blessed I've been these past 3 years. All the love and support and prayers that have been sent our way. There were days that I couldn't wait till it was a month since Jeff passed and then a year just because I couldn't stand the pain and the hurt and now I look back and I can see what great blessings have come from all that pain, all that hurt, from the trials that I've endured. I know I'll face other trials but I know if I have faith and endure to the end I'll be truly blessed. And when I'm struggling I just think I've been through some pretty hard stuff already so, I can make it through anything. And I know Jeff is proud of me, but not just me but of everyone for staying strong and enduring to the end. He'll always be watching over us...Till we meet again....

Happy 34th Birthday

Its that time of year that I sort of dread. I used to love this time of year but with so much that happens in the next month its hard to love it again. I did so much better this year. Didn't really cry. Its strange to think that Jeff would be 34 this year and yet I'm now older than him. You never really think of it that way. We all headed out to the grave this afternoon. We stopped and picked up balloons for the kids to send to heaven. I meant to have Carter and Kennedy write a little something to their dad to attach to the balloons but let it slip my mind. This year as we watched the balloons take off they went in a different direction. They took longer to disappear into the clouds. It wasn't a sad time for once. It was a happy one. One to celebrate the memory of Jeff. Tony sat down with Carter at the grave and had a talk with him as I watched the girls play and laugh and giggle. Tony asked Carter to tell him something great about his dad. I didn't get to hear the conversation. I felt that was something meant just for the two of them to share. Carter was deep in thought. I watched him and thought, when did this kid grow up? Where did my little boy go? Before we left the house Tony told Carter to get dressed into something nice for his dad, he came down stairs in his Sunday best. I thought it was sweet and thoughtful that he'd want to get dressed that nice to go see his dad. He's still a very thoughtful kid, has the biggest heart of anyone I know. I feel blessed to be able to share this tradition of sending balloons to heaven each year with my kids, Helps them feel like they are doing something to remember Jeff each year on his birthday. Happy Birthday Jeff... hope you caught their balloons.

(this was posted by Tony on facebook, I loved it and had to share)
Happy Birthday Jeff. Hope you caught the balloons! They were scooting along pretty fast from the wind. Adalynn's took awhile to get lift, but finally took off. We know you are doing well. We keep you with us in this home every single day. Carter and Kennedy are doing great. They both talk about you all the time, and once in a while Im sure you see them crying for you. Usually at bedtime, during prayers. I hope you can really feel their love. They are trying to keep you proud. I will speak for Emily here if I may. She loves you, and I know she misses you dearly. She always will. She is a lot stronger than last year, but still has her moments where her heart and soul struggle for the loss of you. I hope we are doing right by you, and if you ever have any pointers (heaven knows I need them sometimes) please get the msg to me somehow. Carter told me yesterday while sitting w/ him at the cemetary "my dad sure was a good dad........ and so are you Tony". Melted my heart. Reward enough for me :) That's all I ever wanted to be. I am fortunate to be a part of something wonderful. Take care brother, and please watch over us.

Something to Remember Forever

Most people, I think when they lay in bed awake not being able to sleep, lie there thinking of what they could be doing, what needs to be done while they lay there searching for sleep. I however, find myself "writing" in my head. Spewing out words that should land on paper or (screen) and yet often times they end up somewhere in the universe of my mind, floating around till the next time I find myself unable to sleep. I once heard from someone that they like to just say what they mean because you can say something and people will hear it and forget it. If you write it down then it can be read over and over again and not be forgotten, its out there forever. Ingrained into someone's mind. I'm the opposite. I like to write things down. Write what I'm thinking. Send it into forever. Make it a lasting memory, something you can pull from the recesses of your mind. There's no changing the words around. Its there for you to read again. Once written, it doesn't change. I'm often reminded of the day before J crashed. It was my birthday, I went to see him. He didn't remember it was my birthday but he was happy to see me. He wasn't able to talk. Only write. And the thing is I'm not sure I'd remember everything he would have said to me the last time he talked to me. Maybe it was better that things were written down if you will. With his white board the last thing he ever wrote to me was "I love you" as I left his hospital room. Months later after J passed I still had that white board. Words worn away and not really able to see what was written there, but I knew. I could still see a few letters from the simple and last words I was ever to read from him. Wishing I had more than just a mental image left of those words. Don't get me wrong, if he had been able to say "I love you" I'd still treasure those words as his last words to me but he wrote them. Something ingrained into my heart forever. Which brings me to more thoughts. Thoughts that need to be written down for my kids to read someday. Thoughts that need to not only be told, said out loud but recorded to be ingrained. To never be forgotten. K was 15 months old when J started to feel the effects of the cancer taking over his body once again, A is just a week shy of that 15 month mark. I see pictures of K at that age with J hanging on the girls bedroom wall and I look at them and look at A and see so many similarities between the two girls. It often takes me back to that time, seeing A wear something that K used to wear causes flash backs. Makes me anxious to know how I'm going to see A at 19 months old, the same age as K when J passed away. Will there be reminder? Everytime A is taken out of her crib she points to the pictures of J on the wall. One in particular where he has hair. She smiles and babbles something as though she's telling us she knows J. I have know doubt that she knows him personally, just like C & K had the opportunity to know J. She met him in Heaven no doubt. He probably prepped her to come down here to this family. Knew she was meant to be part of our forever family. She senses that familiarity about him. Although as she grows she'll forget why she knows who he is and that they've met before. He'll become part of the stories she hears but as though he's an uncle she's never met. I know J's up there prepping the next little one that's due to enter our forever family in Sept. telling him or her stories, gearing him or her up for the life that they'll be living here on earth. I wish A could talk, tell me what he's told her. What she knows so that I could write it down for her. So she could remember it forever. But, its not possible. I can only write what I've experienced with her. Before J entered the hospital in Oct. of 2008, I kept getting a feeling that someone was missing. I kept pushing it off thinking how strange this feeling was, knowing what our future held at that moment. Drs., hospitals and getting J back on the path of health. A baby was NOT in our future. It just wasn't something I saw as happening and thought it was weird that I would be given that feeling. Fast forward to April of 2009, I was about to marry T and that feeling came back full force. Someone was missing. T would tell me that it was him since we lived hours apart. I knew it wasn't that. I had, had this feeling before. A was still waiting for her chance to come to earth. J was with her prepping her, getting her ready. Being her angel in Heaven. I feel blessed that my kids have each had a chance to be "prepped" by J. Some here on earth and the other two in Heaven. Its amazing to see the veil so thin with the little ones and hard to see it fade as they get older. Wishing that they could keep it thin just so they could always have that connection with J and Heaven. There are days I know that the veil thins just enough so we can still feel him, feel him watching over us or walking beside us. I feel blessed that J is constantly helping T out in someway. Helping him to know what to do with this crazy family that got left behind. I'm grateful for T for always keeping J in his mind and constantly thinking of what J would want him to do. He's a wonderful man and J and Heavenly Father knew what they were doing when they sent not only T to me but A as well. We've been extremely blessed and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for that. I have my constant reminders to look at everyday. And that's something to write about. Something to send into forever.

Families Are Forever

I've always hated giving talks or even speeches. I often try my hardest to get out of them. I was asked to give a talk and although I kept resisting it I kept coming back to the topic of Families are Forever and kept getting the impression that I needed to speak. I'd much rather hide behind my computer and type away. Express my thoughts and feelings that way. So for those of you who didn't get to hear me talk you get to read...

Elder Robert D. Hales Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said;
The fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ brings great comfort in stressing times of mortality. It brings light where there is darkness and a calming influence where there is turmoil. It gives eternal hope where there is mortal despair. It is more than just beautiful doctrine. It is a reality in our lives that if we can be obedient and obtain the eternal rewards that God grants us, if we will draw nigh unto Him and embrace the eternal doctrine, we will be blessed.

“And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life … and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever” (D&C 132:19).

As taught in this scripture, an eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities. The family relationships we have here on this earth are important, but they are much more important for their effect on our families for generations in mortality and throughout all eternity.

By divine commandment, spouses are required to love each other above all others. The Lord clearly declares, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). The proclamation states: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families [see D&C 83:2–4; 1 Tim. 5:8]. [By divine design,] mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” By divine design, husband and wife are equal partners in their marriage and parental responsibilities. By direct commandment of God, “parents have a sacred duty … to teach [their children] to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens [in the countries where they reside]” .

For as long as I can remember my favorite hymn has been Families Can Be Together Forever. I loved the words and meaning the song has. I never really truly took it to heart until just two years ago...
November 1, 2008. I sat in a hospital room. My chair pulled up to my husband's bed. A breathing machine was keeping him alive for the time being. I watched his chest rise and fall with each pump of the machine. Feeling J's spirit come and go. I sat with my son C, then 5 years old and daughter K, 19 months old. Alone in the room. Just the 4 of us. It was quiet except for the slow hum of the machines. I held back the tears. Not sure what or how to say what I knew I needed to say to these two innocent children. How could they possibly understand what I was about to tell them. I know C had, had lessons on the plan of salvation and the eternal family in primary but how much does a 5 year old really understand? Finally I knew we couldn't sit in silence anymore. I had to speak. I spoke close to C's ear. Almost at a whisper, I said, Dad is going to be going to Heaven in a little bit. C looks at his dad and says, to live with Jesus? Yes, I replied softly. He's going to live with Jesus and Heavenly Father. Still choking back the tears, I told him that he won't be living with us anymore. But, he'd still get to see us, just from Heaven. C sat there quietly for a moment and then turned to me with a sadness and desperation in his voice and said, but then we won't be a family of 4 anymore! We will just be a family of 3. I looked at this sweet child and told him, we will ALWAYS be a family of 4. That will never change. When your dad and I got married we got married in the Temple. We were sealed for all eternity. That means that as long as we endure to the end, when we all get to heaven, we will be together as a family again. He looked at me and seemed to understand. K reached up with her little bear in her tiny hands and placed it on the bed next to her dad. She seemed to understand too and that was the only thing she knew to do to comfort her dad. It was her way of saying its going to be ok. I forced back the tears and hugged my kids. I lifted each one of them and they kissed their dad goodbye, not forever but just for the time we are apart on earth. We sat in that quiet room for a while longer. I asked my son if he wanted to sing to his dad. He told me he didn't know what to sing and I asked him how about I'm a Child of God. I started him out and stopped when he started to sing. I sat and listened and watched as this sweet child sang those words to his dad. It was the last thing he could do for him while he was still on this earth. The spirit was so sweet and strong and I felt the peace that could only come from the knowledge I have of eternal families. I know without this knowledge I wouldn't have been able to feel that comfort and peace. I would feel lost and alone as I told my husband goodbye. I am grateful that I was brought up in this gospel. That I was taught about the eternal plan of salvation. That I was sealed in the Temple for time and all Eternity. That I am able to teach my children that Families are Forever. I'm eternally grateful to my loving Heavenly Father who has sent me two amazing husbands who love and support me. I'm grateful to my wonderful husband, T for his constant love, faith and support and continuation of our eternal family. I'm grateful for this gospel and for this ward that has loved us, and has given me and my family the support that we needed. I have a testimony of eternal families and am grateful that because of my trials I am able to pass that knowledge along. And I'm eternally grateful that Families are Forever.