Christmas In Heaven

I haven't been very festive this holiday season and rightly so. We have a tree in our home decorated and presents beneath the tree. And this year is just not the same. I cleaned out J's office last week tearing apart the place in search of the kids birth certificates and found gifts that J had bought to give to me along with an anniversary card because our anniversary is just 2 weeks after Christmas. That was rough. And when I think about how J won't be there on Christmas morning to see C freak out over his Christmas gifts or K being able to open her gifts on her own for the first time. Seeing J sit there with the video camera just taking it all in it makes my heart ache a little. And then I remember he will be there, just taking it all in, in a different way. And I know he will be just as happy. He doesn't want me or anyone else to be sad that he isn't around. That he couldn't physically be here. I found this and thought it was more than I would know what to say and as I read it I thought of J and that he would be saying this, thinking this:

My heart is always with you.
I know you are sad because we are not together this Christmas.
But always know that my love for you never left.
We will always be apart of each other.
Think of me in everything you do...
and everything I loved about the holiday.
Remember that you substantiate my life...
by the way you live yours.
Hold onto the good memories...
and to all of God's promises.
I'll always feel your love for me....
The love that was the foundation for our family.
My friends and family were always very important to me...
I pray you will stay close to each other.
Life is too short for strife and unforgiveness...
love each other... it will keep you strong....
Remember the faith of your youth...
And that Jesus is the Reason for the Season.
I'm spending my Christmas in Heaven this year,
but, I will also be in your heart....
We WILL meet again one day...
we will embrace, laugh and rejoice together...
There is no sadness here.
So until we meet again....
MERRY CHRISTMAS
from HEAVEN
I Love You

May you all feel the love of Christ this holiday season. And as you sit there with your loved ones may you feel the peace and comfort of those who have passed on and are spending their Christmas in Heaven. Remember they love you just as much today as the day they left this earth. And with that being said, I know that it will be a good Christmas because even though J isn't here with us. He's hear in our hearts and always will be.

Life Changes In An Instant

Its funny how life can be changed in an instant. We go living our lives day to day planning out the big important details of maybe a big vacation that we want to take or that big household item that we want to purchase. But we never sit down and take the time to think about the little details. The details that may someday forever change our lives. You know the little annoying ones like whos name is on the phone bill. I've found that these little details of life have turned into huge details, obstacles thrown in my path, just another thing I have to do. Another person I have to call, more paper work to fill out. Death certificates to be sent out. No one should ever have to go through what I'm going through. The loss is hard, but I manage day by day and get on with my life. I miss J but I've learned a lot. Stuff that I'd want to pass on to other people just in case. You know cause you can always plan the big details in life, but you never know when something you didn't plan for is going to happen. *Take time to sit down with your spouse, your significant other, whoever is going to be there if something should happen to you. Take the time to make sure that you both know where you stand, *passwords to everything. Both of you should know. Write them down keep them in a safe or a safety deposit box, make sure you know the code or where the keys are. *Both names on accounts. Something as simple as a phone bill can soon become something more complicated than you would think when that only person who's name is on the bill is no longer around. When you have to make changes to it and you can't you find more paperwork you don't want to fill out and your list every growing of places to call because your name wasn't on that account. *Birth certificates and social security numbers, important documents that you may need to have make sure these things are all in a safe place and that you both know where they are and how to get copies if need be. *Know what credit cards are out there. *Be sure that both of you know how to pay the bills, know the ins and outs of your banking. I know this is easier said than done but trust me, if you are ever thrown into a situation where something happens to one, say they get really sick and can't take care of that stuff, you should be able to step right in there and know what is going on and not even have to bat an eye at it. You will be able to pick up the slack with out a problem. *Have a living will, make one if you haven't. Make sure it has your basic wishes in it. Maybe write what things you'd want at your funeral. I know it sounds strange to think that way but I know, knowing a couple of things that J wanted at his made it that much easier on me. * If you have kids, make sure you have someone in mind of who they would be with if something should happen. Make sure the kids know, and have it in writing. * Get life insurance. I don't care how young you think you are, you are not invisible. It isn't that much to get a decent amount at least enough to pay off a house and cars. It could be as little as $20-$30 a month. This maybe hard for some to think about paying out every month but believe me in the long run if you do have life insurance your family will be taken care of. That goes for the man & woman. Both of you should have it. *If you back up things such as photos, both should know how to do it and where these things are kept. J was my computer guru and I am at a total loss. I find myself trying to teach myself how to do something like backing up all my photos and I haven't the slightest clue to what he's done on certain things.
I've been thinking about all this for a little while now as these things have come up and I think to myself, I never would have thought about these things, never thought that not having my name on the phone bill would be such a big deal. Actually I didn't even know my name wasn't on it. I assumed it was... Don't assume ASK! I know that not everyone is ever gonna be put in a situation as me. But, it doesn't hurt to be prepared now for the future. You may be 80+ years old before you have to deal with losing a spouse, but just think of how much easier it will be to deal with their affairs if you know what is going on right now. Thank you for the continued love and support for me and my kids. We feel your love and prayers everyday. We tend to keep busy, but busy is good. Busy doesn't keep the heart from aching but its a reminder that life goes on and sometimes when I'm driving here or there I like to think that J's sitting next to me in the car. Enjoying the ride....

1000 Miles

I sat in bed the other night just looking at J's side of the bed wishing he was there. I felt sad, I sat there not able to take my eyes off his side. And then I thought of this song that I hear on the radio from time to time and its taken on a whole new meaning to me. I turned out the light and rolled over to go to sleep when I had this overwhelming feeling that J was there. Lying next to me. It startled me at first and I rolled over trying to calm my heart. For a moment J was there with me. Almost to let me know that it was ok... and that he was thinking of me too. Sometimes that's all I need... I wish he could just hold me but that's all in due time. Someday that will be the case, but until then I'll take any visit even if it does startle me a little.

Makin' my way downtown,
Walkin' fast,
Faces pass and I'm homebound.

Starin' blankly ahead,
Just makin' my way,
Makin' a way through the crowd.

And I need you,
And I miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time
would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
Tonight.

It's always times like these
When I think of you,
And wonder if you ever think of me.

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong.
Livin' in your precious memory.

'Cause I need you,
And I miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time
would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
Tonight.

I, don't wanna let you know
I, drown in your memory.
I, don't wanna let this go.
I, don't.
...........
If I could just hold you....

Tonight.

A Band Aid Isn't Going to Fix This

As a parent you never want your child to feel pain or be sad. You always want to be able to kiss them better put a band aid on the wound and things will be better. You want to be able to fix their heartache take it away. Last night at 11pm C came down stairs for the 6th or 7th time that night crying and saying he missed his dad. I didn't know what to do or say except take him back to bed and tell him I didn't know what to do. I can't fix this. I can't bring dad back. I don't want to do this all by myself. And when his only response is "When Dad comes back alive he can come home and live with us again" what do you say other than, you know but that's going to be a really long time. I told him I loved him, hugged him and left. There wasn't anything I could do. Reality was I couldn't fix this. I can't fix his broken heart and I certainly can't fix mine. And the fact of the matter is that no matter how many people love and support you, no one can fix the hurt you have because you no longer have that husband, father and best friend. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but too often I feel like time just opens a new wound. Maybe one I didn't know was there. Time is supposed to make things easier and although somethings have become easier loosing my best friend is something that has gotten harder to deal with.

1 Month Has Past/ 1 Month Closer

Yesterday marked the one month since J passed away. Time has gone by so quickly, yet so slow at the same time. It seems longer. I moved C back to his own room last night for the first time since J had left for the hospital. I thought he would throw a fit but he thought it was pretty cool that I let him have my old ipod and his dad's docking station to listen to music as he went to sleep. He snuggled under J's quilt that C has always loved and seemed to be ok with going to sleep. Shortly after he came down the stair crying saying he missed his dad. He does this almost every other night. Partly because he does miss his dad and the other part to tug at my heartstrings and get me to let him stay up. Times like that I just don't know how to fix it. I wish J could just show up and wrap his arms around C and tell him it was going to be ok. We said prayers and asked if J could come visit C. I told him to just talk to his dad for a few min and then go to sleep. I didn't see C again, he fell fast asleep. I woke up at 6:30am and rolled over half expecting to see J there sleeping, snoring away. Half startled that I was alone. I often wonder if that feeling ever goes away. Do you ever stop having those thoughts when the phone rings and think Oh, that might be J. Or look at the clock and see that its 6pm and J should be home any min now, and look towards the door to see him walk through and K run screaming into her daddy's arms. I miss that. Every time now that K hears a motorcycle rumble she says Dada... so I ask her "does Daddy ride a motorcycle?" to which the answer is always yes and it makes me smile. J always wanted a motorcycle and always wanted to ride one. So it makes me feel like there is a connection there between a girl and her dad that no one else is gonna have. Kinda like his secret way of telling her that he's right there riding next to her always. This past Friday the kids and I decorated a small Christmas tree that we borrowed from my parents house. We hung lights and listened to some of J's favorite Christmas music and as much fun as the kids had you could feel that someone was missing from all the festivities... I'm sure he was watching us... just wishing he could be here... I guess I could look at as J's been gone for a month but on the other hand I think I would rather see it as we are one month closer to being with him again... and instead of that making me sad it makes me happy that we are one month closer to being together as a family again....