Raw Emotions

Why is when you feel like you've made some sort of progress in the whole healing process that you feel like you can take on something? I started turning this blog into a book. A book that myself or my kids or whoever can read someday. I was working on putting each post where I wanted it to be, in doing so I started to read bits and pieces of those days that I posted. I was instantly taken back to that place, time, date. Those raw emotions flooded to the surface as though it was yesterday, or even 5 min ago. The pain, the heartache. But, I felt those emotions for someone else. Some other girl. Like an out of body experience. I hurt for her. For what she's gone through. What's she's experienced. Felt the hurt of losing her best friend, husband and father of her children. I could feel the emotion, the excitement as I got closer to J getting his stem cells back and then the hurt, the pain as things went horribly wrong. The begging for peace, not for just her but for her kids. I couldn't stop. I kept going until I got to here. Today. This girl. Same girl. Yet different. Changed. Pain is still there. Just the pain is for that other girl. How do you take that away? Does it ever go away? Does the feeling of feeling like you're healing and taking a step forward but two steps backwards ever go away? I don't know. Maybe this is what I needed. To face what I've been through. See it through different eyes. Reevaluate. Feel. Experience. Heal.

Determined Soul

"There is no chance, no fate, no destiny...that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a DETERMINED SOUL!"

Cancer...its a nasty 6 letter word that no one should ever have to hear. It changes your life and those around you within seconds of hearing it. You can choose to let it make you bitter or you can choose to let it make you a stronger person because of it. I remember the first time I heard that word come out of J's mouth when he was first diagnosed. I was 7 months pregnant at the time with K. I couldn't believe it. That couldn't be happening. It was the 11th of December 2006 and my world seemed to be crashing in on me. And it happened again on August 11th, 2008. I'm sure anyone who has experienced that word whether it be for themselves or someone they love they know that feeling. Feeling helpless. Feeling cheated. Wondering why or how this happened. Cancer knows no race, it doesn't care if you are a son, a daughter, mother, father, kid, grandparent. It doesn't care if you can afford the treatments that can save your life. It hits you at anytime and anywhere. I've been thinking about the effects of cancer on someone lately. Not just how it effects them physically but mentally. Its hard. It effects everyone that comes into contact with them. Everyone that has ever known them. Recently a friend of mine found out that his mom's breast cancer has come back. My heart sank when I heard the news. I cried. It was about the same timing as J's coming back. I knew exactly how he felt, how everyone in her family felt. That helpless feeling. Feeling scared because they've already beat cancer once. What are the chances of a second time? How are they going to do this again? What is going to happen? What are the options the second time around? More chemo? Something different? Radiation? I believe in a fighting spirit. J had that fighting spirit and I know my friend's mom does too. Often times in life I think we forget that we have that in us too. We don't have to be diagnosed with cancer to gain that fighting spirit. I think its inside all of us. Its just up to us to decided if we want to fight whatever battle that is put in front of us. That we all have these trials put before us, some change as life goes on. The trial I went through with J and him having cancer has changed into me being left alone with two kids to raise. But, I'm a fighter and just like my friends mom I'm not willing to EVER give up. Each day that goes by that I make it through without pulling my hair out makes me who I am. Makes me stronger. I choose to be stronger because of all of this and not be bitter. I can't be. I don't want to be. What was the point of this post? I'm not really sure... but I do know that Cancer Sucks but attitude is what gets you from point A to point B. I'm letting my trials make me a stronger not bitter. And I'm going to be a determined soul. Not giving up. I'm working towards my happy ending. Everyone has one. It just takes awhile to get there sometimes. I'm learning to see the beauty around me again. Opening up my eyes to see that the world isn't such a bad place. That I have all the love and support I could ask for and more. That everyday is a step closer to finding that happy ending to my story. And I am a DETERMINED SOUL and so is she.

Something Special

I've had some collage frames since Thanksgiving that I've wanted to put pictures of J and the kids in. I just haven't been able to sit and look at the pictures till today. I thought I'd sit here and bawl my eyes out but I didn't. I was taken back down memory lane and remembered the good times they had with their dad. Didn't think about what they were missing out on but how much he loves them. You can see it in his face. I miss the fact that I can't take pictures of him and the kids but looking at the pictures I was able to smile. Another step for me. My heart is healing. I grow stronger with each day. This made me stronger. I'm excited to get the pictures hung up in the kids rooms so that they can look and see their dad everyday and know that he has and always will love them. He was a great dad to them. Just remembering and looking at the photos, seeing the kids faces light up when he walked through the door makes me happy. Makes the hurt, hurt less. These pictures are what is going to keep his memory alive with the kids. Because you can tell stories over and over but being able to see the memories makes a huge difference I believe. They tell their own story with out having words attached. I hope they will be able to look at these pictures and remember and feel happy. I know it will be hard to remember as they get older and especially for K but seeing these happy memories should help remind them that even though he's no longer around he's still watching over them daily and smiling and laughing right along the side of them. And that's something special to me.

Mixed Emotions

I've had J's truck stuffed to the brim with items that needed to be donated for almost 6 weeks. Mostly his clothes and things that just didn't hold any real meaning that need to be held onto were in the truck. As I started up his truck today to take everything down to be donated I smiled. I sat there for a minute listening to the rumble of his truck that I'd always hear come 6pm. I backed out of the driveway looked at the passenger side and said out loud "Wanna go for a ride Jeff?". It was kinda our time. I don't know if he was there. I never sensed anything but for a little while I felt as though I didn't have a care in the world. I was in my own little world. At peace with where my life had been, where it is and where it is going. I felt happy. Felt like I was moving forward and felt that peace of healing. As I drove down the freeway, every now and then I'd look at the back of the truck and see the bags of clothing and other items that belonged to J and felt a little sad. Almost like I was unloading a huge piece of my life. In a sense I was. As I helped the guy unload everything from the truck I felt that sadness go away. It was only stuff. It wasn't who he was. I kept anything that had meaning, that would remind my kids of him someday. It was just a strange feeling to be happy yet sad at the same time. Sad to see that part of my life be gone that I had sitting in my garage, and to see that everyday. But, happy that I was able to move forward with my life and feel good about it. Feel like J was there pushing me along as I'm sure he does everyday. Giving me the strength to keep going when I just want to throw in the towel. I spent a good 45 min. driving around in that truck. I didn't realize how much I had missed riding in that truck. It was J's baby. He loved that truck. It helped me feel connected to him and at peace at the same time. The first time I ever drove the truck after he died I felt a lot of sadness. This time it was just a joy ride and I liked that. I haven't taken the truck out that often but I might now more, just so I can ask him if he wants to go for a ride with me...

Stronger Than The Last...

I've been thinking back over the past 6 months, back to when J was first diagnosed again and I started to think about how much I've changed. How much stronger I've become. How with each trial I've started over again as a new girl. Stronger than the last. I get stronger with each day. With each thing that I accomplish. Even if its only that I didn't totally loose my mind that day. That's something. Another step towards being healed. Everyday I feel the heartache lessen, the anger melt away and I get stronger. I wish I could say today that it was one of those days that was just great but it wasn't. The kids pushed me to my limits and I found myself wishing things were different and then I had to stop myself and realize that wishing wasn't gonna get me anywhere. So I changed my thinking, just tried to breath and some days that's just gonna have to be good enough. I'm not perfect. I've gotta realize that, and that I'm just doing the best I can do and everyday that I make it through makes me stronger.