Days Like Today

Days like today are hard. Actually most Sundays are hard for one reason or another. Sometimes its just getting the kids ready for church cause they just want to constantly fight me or each other. Feeling that failure as a mother. Not being able to keep my kids in check, in line. Maybe I'm fooling myself that I actually had some sort of control before J passed away. Maybe I never did. Who knows. Trying to figure that all out. Not sure if I ever will. Today I feel drained. I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel heartache. I think I know how to fix things but I seem to just make things worse. Try to tell myself that I'm doing the best that I can do... but am I really? Probably not. Probably why I feel the way I do. I was spoiled with J around always there to help me out with stuff and pretty much take care of everything. I think I lived a sheltered life. No, I know I lived a sheltered life. Welcome to the real world... Slap up side the head. I haven't a clue to as what I'm doing. 5 months and I still can't figure it all out. I'm proud of what I have accomplished which may not seem like much to most but being able to get my kids on some sort of bedtime schedule is a huge deal to me. Taking my car to get the oil changed or just driving to another city an hour away even if I get lost sometimes is a HUGE step for me. And yet I still feel like I have so much farther to go. All I know is I'm trying my hardest. But, I'm sure people don't see it that way. And that's ok. I have my days that are hard emotionally, physically and I tried to just hide that. I admit that today I just feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Missing J and feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job. Feeling like I have so much stuff to fix or change or improve on when it comes to myself. All I know is I can only take one step forward at a time. I'm tired of this roller coaster. I HATE roller coasters. I want it to stop so I can get off. I know this is all part of the process but I'm really tired of the process. Life does continue to get better everyday. Somethings become easier with time and practice. Just gotta keep my head up and keep plugging away. Someday I will have it all together but until then we may not have it all together but together we have it all. I have my kids and that means the world to me.

Wake Me Up When Today Ends

I woke up feeling just fine but somehow the day turned. Tears flow easily at the littlest thought. Although my days like this have become farther apart today has been different than any other day. Somehow I was shoved back to that day Oct. 29th. 11:15am. I got that dreaded call that no one hopes to get at anytime of their life. Come to the hospital now. My life was forever changed by those words. Today I ran into the house to do a simple task before heading out again and found myself in hysterical crying. No one to turn to. No one to hold me and just let me cry. Me trying to pull it together just so I could get back to my life, finish what I needed to do today. Trying to push aside those memories from that day. Remembering everything so vividly. Feeling that pain. Wanting the hurt to stop. I still feel it. Its raw like it happened just minutes ago. Remembering everything that was done, said, felt, heard. I don't know what it is, maybe it was because I thought that the 1st was quickly approaching and 5 months has past. 5 months without J by my side. 5 months without hearing his voice, seeing his face other than pictures, feeling his arms around me. Seeing how excited the kids would get when he'd come home from work. I'm left with this empty feeling inside. A loneliness. I try to get it out of my head, out of my heart but it will always be there to some degree. Watching C everyday become more and more like J can add to the heartache but at the same time brings me happiness. Being able to see J in C is one of the blessings that was left behind in J's passing. I try not to think about what me or the kids lost. Try to see the positive in all of it. Today is a bit harder. I just want to shake that feeling. Those memories. Those thoughts. Those senses from that day. I can't completely erase that memory. I don't know that I'd want to, because of what happened that day has forever changed me as a person. Made me who I am and who I am becoming. I can't wish that part away. Because of that day I am strong. I am me. I am human. I hurt. I cry. I laugh. I love. And life still goes on. Life is good. I'm happier than I have ever been since J's passing. Some days are easier than the next. But for today I want to be woken up when today ends. And that's ok. Its part of the loss. Part of the pain. Part of the healing process. And I know I will be ok. The hurt and the pain will subside, and life will once again start moving forward. I will continue to be happy and move forward. For the first time since J passed I don't feel like I'm taking two steps back when I have a day like this. I actually feel like I'm still moving forward. Just a little bit slower, but moving forward still. And that helps me smile a little. Knowing I'm healing and can actually feel that despite the day I'm having.

Amazing Generosity

I'm overwhelmed at the generosity of people. The goodness of people. I have been blessed by so many people who have sent us money. Some even anonymously. I received such a letter as I was rushing out the door yesterday afternoon. I swung by the mailbox to find a letter addresses to me with no return address. No name, nothing. I sat in the car and opened the envelope. As I saw this picture of K and J I started to get the chills... they continued as I read the note that was attached. As I opened the letter more I saw that this guy had sent me and my kids money. Although he feels it wasn't much I was overwhelmed. He too had testicular cancer and has a sweet family. I don't know who he is and he says he doesn't know who I am but he was told of my story by a friend and was touched. I am very grateful for what he did. He didn't have to, I know money is tight for everyone these days and I am just overwhelmed by that sweet gesture. (I'm still overwhelmed) I'm am so grateful to those who have sent money for the kids and I. There is nothing I can do or say but be thankful beyond belief. There are really good people in this world. I am and will be forever grateful to those who have sent money, said prayers, watched my kids, called me just to talk, and think about us on a daily basis. You have forever touched our lives. So Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

A Dream that Leaves Me with Peace

I awoke this morning from a vivid dream. A dream that was so real. A dream that gave me peace and comfort in my life. That the decisions I'm making are right and that J supports me in where my life is going. I dreamed that I was at my parents house. I was handed a card that J had written to me. In it said he would send me a companion , not someone to replace him but, someone to pick up where he left off. Take care of his legacy and carry it on. I remember crying in the dream because I felt as though that was truly heaven sent. Later on in the day I was out by my self and decided to head over to the cemetery as I drove I felt strongly that J was in the car with me. I got to the cemetery and got out and walked over to his grave. As I stood there talking to him I could feel his presence there standing next to me. I was filled with peace as I told him about what has been going on in my life. I knew the decisions I was making were right and he approved and was just confirming to me that he had a hand in who and what was making me happy. I got back into the car and I knew he was no longer with me. I missed that. I liked feeling his presence with me. It was what I needed. What I had been praying for. I know he knew that and Heavenly Father knew that. I haven't felt that close to J in a while and it meant so much to me. I know he's been around I just haven't paid attention or been looking for it. I've been blessed a lot in my life and I count this as another blessing that has been added to my life. I know J won't just up and leave because another guy steps into my life. He will stick around and help guide him as well.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Yesterday marked 4 months since J passed away. Its strange how I can forget about time... forget what day it is. Not remember the date all month along but the 1st comes and it hits me. I remember. I'm taken back to that day. I miss him. I feel like it was yesterday. But, the heartache isn't the same. I will always love him but this heart of mine is healing. I was in C's room putting stuff away and looked up at the pictures of J that I have hanging in his wall and I just started to cry. I miss J. I was crying because of the memories we had made together. I started to pray that J would be able to visit me tonight. That he'd come and let me know its ok to move on. That everything is ok. I know he would want me to move forward and fall in love again. I just want that reassurance. That peace that I already feel to some degree but need to feel it from him as well. So when you pray tonight pray that I will have that peace in my heart, in my home, for me and for my kids. Pray that J will visit me and let me know. I can look back and see over these past 4 months how far I've come. That I've learned to dance in the rain and not just weather the storm. I know time will continue to go by and I will continue to heal and start to find that love again in my life. And yet at times I can see how far I've come yet the wound still feels fresh as if yesterday. I know time will take that away but till then how do you take that sadness away? All I know to do is cry... let myself feel this way...let it all out. Let those bottled up emotions go. I feel like two different people at the same time. The first girl is crying because of what she's lost and the second girl is feeling so happy and alive because of where her life is going. How its changed. Both feeling opposite feelings. Feeling the happiness and the sadness at the same time. Its overwhelming... a struggle at times. But, all this is making me stronger, helping me heal & its ok. I will be ok. I'm happy...