Something to Remember Forever

Most people, I think when they lay in bed awake not being able to sleep, lie there thinking of what they could be doing, what needs to be done while they lay there searching for sleep. I however, find myself "writing" in my head. Spewing out words that should land on paper or (screen) and yet often times they end up somewhere in the universe of my mind, floating around till the next time I find myself unable to sleep. I once heard from someone that they like to just say what they mean because you can say something and people will hear it and forget it. If you write it down then it can be read over and over again and not be forgotten, its out there forever. Ingrained into someone's mind. I'm the opposite. I like to write things down. Write what I'm thinking. Send it into forever. Make it a lasting memory, something you can pull from the recesses of your mind. There's no changing the words around. Its there for you to read again. Once written, it doesn't change. I'm often reminded of the day before J crashed. It was my birthday, I went to see him. He didn't remember it was my birthday but he was happy to see me. He wasn't able to talk. Only write. And the thing is I'm not sure I'd remember everything he would have said to me the last time he talked to me. Maybe it was better that things were written down if you will. With his white board the last thing he ever wrote to me was "I love you" as I left his hospital room. Months later after J passed I still had that white board. Words worn away and not really able to see what was written there, but I knew. I could still see a few letters from the simple and last words I was ever to read from him. Wishing I had more than just a mental image left of those words. Don't get me wrong, if he had been able to say "I love you" I'd still treasure those words as his last words to me but he wrote them. Something ingrained into my heart forever. Which brings me to more thoughts. Thoughts that need to be written down for my kids to read someday. Thoughts that need to not only be told, said out loud but recorded to be ingrained. To never be forgotten. K was 15 months old when J started to feel the effects of the cancer taking over his body once again, A is just a week shy of that 15 month mark. I see pictures of K at that age with J hanging on the girls bedroom wall and I look at them and look at A and see so many similarities between the two girls. It often takes me back to that time, seeing A wear something that K used to wear causes flash backs. Makes me anxious to know how I'm going to see A at 19 months old, the same age as K when J passed away. Will there be reminder? Everytime A is taken out of her crib she points to the pictures of J on the wall. One in particular where he has hair. She smiles and babbles something as though she's telling us she knows J. I have know doubt that she knows him personally, just like C & K had the opportunity to know J. She met him in Heaven no doubt. He probably prepped her to come down here to this family. Knew she was meant to be part of our forever family. She senses that familiarity about him. Although as she grows she'll forget why she knows who he is and that they've met before. He'll become part of the stories she hears but as though he's an uncle she's never met. I know J's up there prepping the next little one that's due to enter our forever family in Sept. telling him or her stories, gearing him or her up for the life that they'll be living here on earth. I wish A could talk, tell me what he's told her. What she knows so that I could write it down for her. So she could remember it forever. But, its not possible. I can only write what I've experienced with her. Before J entered the hospital in Oct. of 2008, I kept getting a feeling that someone was missing. I kept pushing it off thinking how strange this feeling was, knowing what our future held at that moment. Drs., hospitals and getting J back on the path of health. A baby was NOT in our future. It just wasn't something I saw as happening and thought it was weird that I would be given that feeling. Fast forward to April of 2009, I was about to marry T and that feeling came back full force. Someone was missing. T would tell me that it was him since we lived hours apart. I knew it wasn't that. I had, had this feeling before. A was still waiting for her chance to come to earth. J was with her prepping her, getting her ready. Being her angel in Heaven. I feel blessed that my kids have each had a chance to be "prepped" by J. Some here on earth and the other two in Heaven. Its amazing to see the veil so thin with the little ones and hard to see it fade as they get older. Wishing that they could keep it thin just so they could always have that connection with J and Heaven. There are days I know that the veil thins just enough so we can still feel him, feel him watching over us or walking beside us. I feel blessed that J is constantly helping T out in someway. Helping him to know what to do with this crazy family that got left behind. I'm grateful for T for always keeping J in his mind and constantly thinking of what J would want him to do. He's a wonderful man and J and Heavenly Father knew what they were doing when they sent not only T to me but A as well. We've been extremely blessed and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for that. I have my constant reminders to look at everyday. And that's something to write about. Something to send into forever.