1 Year... Stronger and So Blessed

I can't believe I've made it to the one year mark... feels sort of like a milestone. A year ago I never saw me getting to this place... at least not in one piece. Didn't think I could make it on my own without J. The thing about Nov. 1st is that I remember that day as a peaceful one, at least for me. I remember talking to the doctors and them telling me, J's parents and my parents that there just was too much brain damage and that there just was no way that he was coming back. I was left with a huge decision but it was an easy one because I knew J wouldn't want to continue on that way. I knew what I had to do and all I wanted was for whoever wanted to, that they come and say goodbye before I had them take him off the ventilator. I knew the road ahead wasn't going to be easy but I still had that peace with me. I hated the fact that I needed the kids to come say goodbye to their dad and trying to explain things to C wasn't the easiest of tasks especially because he just didn't get it. I hated that they had to see their dad with the tubes down his throat when just 11 days before they had said goodbye to him before he went to the hospital and to them he looked perfectly fine. I didn't want them to remember seeing him that way (and luckily I don't think C does at all.) But I couldn't just not let them say goodbye. I remember being in the room with J but knowing that his spirit wasn't there at times and that it was getting so close to the time that I'd have to tell the nurse to turn off the machine and take out the tube. I remember saying goodbye to him one last time. I remember all the family gathered around his bed as he passed on. I remember the tears and the heartache that was felt in the room. I remember my dad taking me back into the room a few hours after J had passed to have me look at him and seeing a small smile on his face. Knowing that he was gone but no longer in pain. I knew that part of my trial was over but it was just the beginning of a new life for me, a new trial. I wasn't worried or scared. I knew that I would be taken care of. I never have doubted that. Never will. I know me and the kids will always be looked over and taken care of. I learned to accept my life for what it was. I wasn't and am not angry for the direction my life has gone. I've been blessed because of this trial. I've grown in ways that I couldn't have had I not lost my husband and best friend. I've learned that my happiness doesn't depend on how others feel about me and my choices. I have every right to be happy. I've learned you can't judge people. And not to worry about people judging me. I've learned that being a single mom is so much harder than people think, and having J work out of town a lot never prepared me as much as I thought it would have. I've learned that I'm lucky in so many ways. That I'm truly blessed beyond measure. I've learned that I can't EVER ask why because I have that faith in HIS timing. I've learned that J is always with us. Always watching over us, and still speaks to our hearts, especially C's. I've learned how to do things I've never done before. Simple things that most of us take for granted when someone else always does them for you. I've learned that no matter how much time goes by the pain is still there lurking inside of you, it does lessen to some degree but its still there. I've learned to handle the pain, accept it as part of my healing process. I've learned that its ok to cry when I walk into C or K's room and see J's picture of him smiling there. I've learned that no one can tell me how long to grieve, how to grieve or when to grieve. That it is all up to me. I've learned that everyone handles their grief in their own way on their own time table. I've learned that I can't live in denial, its a bad place for me. I've learned that time isn't my enemy, although sometimes I still struggle with this at times. I've learned to put my happiness first despite what others may think. I've learned that life is too short to care what others think about me. I've learned that life isn't about holding in every single thing that someone did or said to hurt me, that I need to let go of those things and love where my life is NOW and where it is headed. I've learned to laugh again. I've learned to find the joy in the things my kids do instead of being sad that J wasn't there physically to see it happen. I've learned that there are still good people out there in this world. That despite never having met you or just having met you would sit and let you cry on their shoulder or give you a helping hand if you need it. I've learned that when C blurts out that his dad died to a complete stranger that its ok to just smile through the tears and that everything is ok. I've learned that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I've learned to never take for granted the nice things someone says to me. The encouragement someone gives me. I've learned to say I love you... every day every time to those I love. I've learned that you can't live this life with regrets. That I need to live to my fullest potential and I know I have a long way to go. I've learned that the fight up in Heaven is strong and getting stronger every day. And they have one of the best up there now. I've learned that its ok to move forward. I've learned that every day is full of some sort of challenge, its up to me to figure out how to make it or break it. I've learned that even if I feel as though I've failed in someway today that its ok because I still tried and I can start again tomorrow. I've learned that I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. That He's always there. I've learned that its ok to make mistakes, I just need to learn from them. I've learned that everyday I had with J was a gift. That everything that him and I went through was just to help prepare the way for everything else I've experienced. I've learned that both people in a relationship should know everything that is going on in the household, just in case of something happening. I've learned that you are ALWAYS stronger than you think. And I've learned that things that just about kill you make you so much stronger than you'd ever be with out them. I've learned that out of my trials have come so many blessings. I've learned that this is my cross to bear despite how hard it is to carry it sometimes. I've learned to be grateful, for time, for trials, for everything that has happened in the past year. Be it hard or easy. Not much has come easy but I've become stronger and who I am because of this past year. I know there have been days that I thought time would never pass. The heartache would never lessen. That the days wouldn't get easier for me. November 1, 2008 changed my life in a way I never expected. I've learned and grown so much because of this trial Heavenly Father has given me. Many blessings have come because of this trial. I wouldn't be the person I am without having gone through what I've gone through. And most of all I've learned more than ever to be GRATEFUL for everything and everyone that has ever touched my life or my kids lives. Grateful for those who have come into my life because of the things that have happened. Blessed by them being in my life. I've survived the first year. I've come out stronger.