Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's learning how to dance in the rain.



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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Families Are Forever

I've always hated giving talks or even speeches. I often try my hardest to get out of them. I was asked to give a talk and although I kept resisting it I kept coming back to the topic of Families are Forever and kept getting the impression that I needed to speak. I'd much rather hide behind my computer and type away. Express my thoughts and feelings that way. So for those of you who didn't get to hear me talk you get to read...

Elder Robert D. Hales Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said;
The fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ brings great comfort in stressing times of mortality. It brings light where there is darkness and a calming influence where there is turmoil. It gives eternal hope where there is mortal despair. It is more than just beautiful doctrine. It is a reality in our lives that if we can be obedient and obtain the eternal rewards that God grants us, if we will draw nigh unto Him and embrace the eternal doctrine, we will be blessed.

“And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life … and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever” (D&C 132:19).

As taught in this scripture, an eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities. The family relationships we have here on this earth are important, but they are much more important for their effect on our families for generations in mortality and throughout all eternity.

By divine commandment, spouses are required to love each other above all others. The Lord clearly declares, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). The proclamation states: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families [see D&C 83:2–4; 1 Tim. 5:8]. [By divine design,] mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” By divine design, husband and wife are equal partners in their marriage and parental responsibilities. By direct commandment of God, “parents have a sacred duty … to teach [their children] to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens [in the countries where they reside]” .

For as long as I can remember my favorite hymn has been Families Can Be Together Forever. I loved the words and meaning the song has. I never really truly took it to heart until just two years ago...
November 1, 2008. I sat in a hospital room. My chair pulled up to my husband's bed. A breathing machine was keeping him alive for the time being. I watched his chest rise and fall with each pump of the machine. Feeling J's spirit come and go. I sat with my son C, then 5 years old and daughter K, 19 months old. Alone in the room. Just the 4 of us. It was quiet except for the slow hum of the machines. I held back the tears. Not sure what or how to say what I knew I needed to say to these two innocent children. How could they possibly understand what I was about to tell them. I know C had, had lessons on the plan of salvation and the eternal family in primary but how much does a 5 year old really understand? Finally I knew we couldn't sit in silence anymore. I had to speak. I spoke close to C's ear. Almost at a whisper, I said, Dad is going to be going to Heaven in a little bit. C looks at his dad and says, to live with Jesus? Yes, I replied softly. He's going to live with Jesus and Heavenly Father. Still choking back the tears, I told him that he won't be living with us anymore. But, he'd still get to see us, just from Heaven. C sat there quietly for a moment and then turned to me with a sadness and desperation in his voice and said, but then we won't be a family of 4 anymore! We will just be a family of 3. I looked at this sweet child and told him, we will ALWAYS be a family of 4. That will never change. When your dad and I got married we got married in the Temple. We were sealed for all eternity. That means that as long as we endure to the end, when we all get to heaven, we will be together as a family again. He looked at me and seemed to understand. K reached up with her little bear in her tiny hands and placed it on the bed next to her dad. She seemed to understand too and that was the only thing she knew to do to comfort her dad. It was her way of saying its going to be ok. I forced back the tears and hugged my kids. I lifted each one of them and they kissed their dad goodbye, not forever but just for the time we are apart on earth. We sat in that quiet room for a while longer. I asked my son if he wanted to sing to his dad. He told me he didn't know what to sing and I asked him how about I'm a Child of God. I started him out and stopped when he started to sing. I sat and listened and watched as this sweet child sang those words to his dad. It was the last thing he could do for him while he was still on this earth. The spirit was so sweet and strong and I felt the peace that could only come from the knowledge I have of eternal families. I know without this knowledge I wouldn't have been able to feel that comfort and peace. I would feel lost and alone as I told my husband goodbye. I am grateful that I was brought up in this gospel. That I was taught about the eternal plan of salvation. That I was sealed in the Temple for time and all Eternity. That I am able to teach my children that Families are Forever. I'm eternally grateful to my loving Heavenly Father who has sent me two amazing husbands who love and support me. I'm grateful to my wonderful husband, T for his constant love, faith and support and continuation of our eternal family. I'm grateful for this gospel and for this ward that has loved us, and has given me and my family the support that we needed. I have a testimony of eternal families and am grateful that because of my trials I am able to pass that knowledge along. And I'm eternally grateful that Families are Forever.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Balloons Heaven Bound

Oct. 7th, 2010: 2 years ago we were celebrating with J his 31st birthday, little did we know that it would be the last one we'd celebrate here on earth. This year we sent balloons to heaven again, difference this year was that K actually asked questions about where the balloons were going, asked if she could go see Daddy in heaven. Those kind of things tear at my heart strings. I love how excited they get to send those balloons. Its become a tradition to go pick out balloons, one for each kid and head to the cemetery. This year was also a little different, J's grandma passed away in June and is buried next to J. While at the store C asked if we could get a balloon to send to heaven to Great Grandma H. too. I thought it was so sweet that he'd think of her too and remember that she was there next to his dad. We took the balloons, took pictures of the kids and let them go. They went in the same direction as last year. Guess that's just the way they head on their way to heaven. After the cemetery we headed to Great Grandpa H's house to meet up with all of J's family to celebrate what would have been his 33rd birthday and all of the Oct. birthday's as well. I had been fine most of the day until I walked into Grandpa H's house. I was over come with emotion and couldn't stop crying. I think the more people I saw the harder I tried not to cry but I couldn't help but cry. But, soon I was ok. I started to think back to how I was last year and realized how far I've come in a year. I'm stronger than I was a year ago at this time. Strange how time continues to pass. I continue to heal and yet that girl, the one that went through all of this seems like she's someone else. Someone who I've somehow felt her pain, felt her loss, her sorrow and cried her tears and yet at the same time it was me. Me who experienced all the heartache, the pain the loss, the tears, the sorrow and cried all those millions of tears. Me who spent those lonely nights laying in bed, crying myself to sleep at times. I don't hurt like I used to. I've made it past all those firsts and I'm on to my 2nds and 3rds. And how much further I'll be in just another year, and another as the years continue to pass. I don't hate time, I'm not scared of it anymore. I still have anxiety from time to time but not like I used to. That was something I didn't talk about. I kept it to myself and just figured it was part of the loss. I know that's what caused it. I couldn't wake up on any given day and not have anxiety. I just didn't know where my life was going to be headed that day and that scared me. I've learned to take one day at a time. Not stress about the little things. Learned to accept life and that I'm gonna have my ups and downs that life is crazy busy and ever changing but I'm loving it. Pieces of my old life fade into the background as my new life emerges. And those important pieces of my old life merge into my new life and continue to shine bright. And that's how it should be! C (7 years old now) is in the 1st grade and reads at a 3rd grade level. He's loving school and has just started taking piano lessons at the school. He's still got the biggest heart of any kid I know. He's always there to ask me why I'm sad and crying or just to put his arm around me and tell me its going to be ok. K (3.5 years) started preschool and is such a chatterbox. I'm sure J's up there just laughing at the things she says. She just asks about a million questions in a 2 min time frame. She's full of life and loves to dance and talk to anyone who will listen. Baby A (8 months old) has started saying dada and cruises the furniture like crazy. She does the army man crawl, kinda looks like she's wounded when she does it but has become so fast at it. As for T & I we are going strong & loving life. We are having quiet the adventures, big and small & although life is crazy with 3 kids, we wouldn't have it any other way. Life is constantly changing, but for once I'm up for change. Ready to face it head on!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

18 months

Its been 18 months & 24 days since I was thrown into a new life. Being a widow and a single mom. Something I never had imagined or dreamed of. Something I NEVER wanted to experience. Who would choose such a fate?! The first 2 weeks I tried so hard to be strong. Be strong for my kids. For everyone. I finally got to the point I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be met someone to help me be strong. I never was looking for him, anyone, or anything. He just happened to be there when I needed him most. That's when I met T. He was on the outside of the whole situation. He didn't know me or what happened to me over the past 3 years. He was genuinely nice and understanding. Not some guy trying to take advantage of a single newly widowed mom of 2. A shoulder to cry on and someone to carry me when I could no longer walk. So T and I talked, and talked A LOT. I told no one really about him except one person who I thought supported me only to tell me to ditch him and that it was too soon. You may wonder why I'm even writing this, but I feel like its time to "come clean" if you will. I'm tired of feeling like I failed people in someway by moving forward "so soon". For not being there for everyone else. I just couldn't do it. I so desperately wanted nothing but true happiness again. I found that in T. He made me happy and in turn my kids were happy. It made me see that they needed that father in their lives. Someone they could look up to and be around EVERY DAY. I knew I'd be judged, so I kept T a secret for a few months until I told my family, close friends and J's family. (and now the world wide web 18 months later) I braced myself to be judged, possibly harshly. See people have this thing, that they know what is best for the situation I was put in, when they've never been in my shoes. I didn't expect to get support at all. I was never trying to replace J, just find what made me happy again and T was just that. I was surprised at the support I received, and at the same time saddened at those that didn't support me when I knew they knew what it was like to be judged by others for the choices they had made. Some have come around, granted it took them a year, and sadly some have not and may never come around. And that's ok. I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm grateful. I knew Heavenly Father was guiding me to make the choices I was making. I prayed about them, people doubted me. I prayed about T. They doubt him. Doubted us. I still chose to be happy and marry T. Had I listened to even one person who didn't like the choices I was making I would be missing out on so much. Including this sweet spirit that has been brought into our home and family. (Baby A)


If I had to do everything over again. I would in a heartbeat. A thousand times over again. T's an amazing dad to my kids and I'm, no we are so lucky to have him in our lives. He's always said he isn't trying to replace J, just pick up where he left off. Why am I writing this now? Because, I feel like its time. Time to pack things up, finish wrapping things up, really move forward and not hide in the dark. Let EVERYONE know why I'm happy. I'm sorry if you felt I moved forward too soon, no one knows how it feels but those in my shoes and its still a personal choice. You do what you have to in order to find that true happiness again. Being a single mom is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm grateful for those trials in my life. It lead me to T and him to me. I'm grateful to those who supported me and still do, those who didn't and still don't. I'm grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father and J that love me so much that he sent me my angel to guide me here on earth while my other angel keeps an eye on me from Heaven. There is no one as lucky as us....

Friday, February 12, 2010

Missing J

Its almost 4am & here I am wide awake, unable to find sleep. A million thoughts running through my head. Finding myself thinking things over & over. Replaying the last time I saw J alive in my head, what I said & how even though 15 months has past its so vivid in my mind & everytime I meet someone new & I end up telling my story, I can't help but cry. I find myself now thinking about J, missing him. I miss talking to him & hearing his stupid jokes he thought were hilarious but really weren't. I miss hearing his laugh & seeing him smile when K would snuggle in close to him. I miss watching him & C play a video game together. I don't normally admit that I miss him, at least not out loud. Maybe I want to prove I'm stronger than I really am. Maybe I don't want to admit it cause it makes me look emotional & vunerable & I don't like that. I'm told I wear my emotions on my sleeve & that's kind of a hard pill for me to swallow cause I tend to not like to talk about my emotions or how I feel, cause I see it as a weakness in me. Easier for me to "pretend" that I'm okay, yet I'm easily seen through & it makes me feel vunerable. Maybe I don't admit that I miss J cause I don't want to be vunerable, or make others feel uncomfortable because I'm liable to burst into tears. But, right now I don't care to be strong, I'd rather admit that ya, I'm missing him & I know I always will, just sometimes it will be stronger than others & that's okay, admitting it might just be another step towards my healing & my growth as a person. And that's okay with me.

Friday, January 1, 2010

2010: A New Year, a New Start


As I sit & reflect back over the past year I'm still in amazement that I've made it this far. Hard to imagine for me, for anyone that has been or will be placed in my shoes. I think about all the learning & growth & trials that have come this past year, & stigmatisms you have to surpass as being a single mom placed with the widow label. Figuring out my new role, sometimes hating my new found life & struggling to find that balance to be able to stand on my own two feet. Trying to deal with the ups & downs of life & keeping the kids happy & teach them about life going on despite any trails that come our way. I don't look back on 2009 as one that I regret or dislike because I've grown so much in the past 12 months & there were a lot of good things that came out of 2009 as well. I've survived many 1st's without J, I know he was there but him not being there physically was hard on my heart at times& seeing C's heart break one night because he missed his dad & I couldn't do a thing about it but tell him its ok to cry because I miss him too & cry when I see his picture. And although there was heartbreak in 2009 I couldn't say I'd change a thing because I've been blessed in so many ways that I can see now & know that I will continue to be blessed in so many ways. Its helped me reach out to others in my situation & be able to let them know that everything will be ok & work out. Hard as it maybe at the time, there are special angels watching over us in Heaven & here on earth. Although it may sound strange or even a little crazy, I am truly thankful for everything 2009 brought me, cause in the end I gained so much more than I could ever wish or hope for. So I know, no matter what trials 2010 may bring us, life is good & still goes on & J is watching over us giving us that push we need when we feel like we just can't do it anymore & want to give up. I can hear him saying "shake it up", so that's what we are going to do, not get stuck in the past but continue to move forward & shake life up! 2010 will be an amazing year...
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