I Miss My Dad

(this is one of C's favorite pics of him and J... this was taken just after J started his
first round of chemo when he was diagnosed the first time with cancer. C was just 3 yrs old.)

I wasn't expecting what happened tonight to happen. I wasn't expecting to have C look at me as I sat there beside his bed telling him everyone who loved him and seeing tears roll down those cheeks of his when I said his dad loved him. I tried to push back the tears welling up in my own eyes. I didn't want to upset C more by him seeing me cry. He told me he missed his dad... Now I've heard this before but usually it was because he wanted to stay up. This time I knew he really meant it. My heart ached. I started to pray that J would be by C's side tonight. He needs that. He needs to be able to feel his dad's presence. I asked C if there was someone he wanted to talk to and then was able to get him on the phone. I listened to the one sided conversation and knew that C was being asked what he missed about his dad. He replied I miss playing Lego Indiana Jones with him... he was really good at it, we are both really good at it. I couldn't do anything but sit there and continue to listen to his conversation and cry, remembering all those nights that J and I would play that game just so C could watch us. It was one of his favorite things to do. I listened as C continued to talk about J and what a good hider he was when it came to hide n' seek games and listened to C's voice start to become happy again as he remembered those couple of memories of his dad. It breaks my heart to see that sweet little boy cry and for the first time really miss his dad. I know this is the first of many times that he'll break down in tears, I just pray that he'll always be able to remember those special things about his dad. That J will be able to whisper in his ear when he seems to have trouble remembering and when he needs it most will be able to feel those arms wrapped around him and know that his dad is right there beside him. I have no doubt that J will be right there.