Heartache, Pain and Growth That Comes With It

I'm sitting here watching the cursor blink, not really knowing what to write. Feeling so many emotions. Feeling heartache for someone I've never even met. Never even heard her story. And feeling that flood of emotion that I'm sure she's experiencing right now. Remembering the day J passed away and realizing that I never really wrote my story down about the day J passed away. Something that I need for my kids to be able to read someday. Strange how even though almost 10 months have passed, I can bring back that day like it happened just minutes ago. Those thoughts and memories, feelings and heartache brought to the surface so quickly, so fresh. Wed.,October 29, 2008: I got a call around 11am as I was getting ready to head out the door to drop K at the babysitters and C off at school to head out to see J, the nurse at the hospital telling me that I needed to get to the hospital and then click... phone disconnected... I tried desperately to find the number of the hospital to call back and find out what was going on. My cell phone rang and it was the doctor telling me that something has happened to J. I need to get to the hospital asap. I remember getting in my car meeting my mom and handing off the kids to her. I was only a couple of blocks from the hospital when I rear ended someone. I remember all of a sudden my body and my spirit just separating and feeling like I was snapped back into my body when I hit the other car. No one was hurt but that cost me an extra hr before I made it to the hospital. Being put in a little room... the doctor telling J's parents and I that J had aspirated and coded. That they weren't sure how long he had been down. Maybe 5 to 20 min. A glimmer of hope? Maybe he'd be ok. He would survive and come out of it. I remember going back and forth to the bathroom to cry. Not wanting anyone to see me sob. Praying and asking that he'd be ok that I needed him, that we needed him. But I'd always end with... I'll understand. I still don't know why to this day that I'd say that. But every time it was the same. I'll understand. Thurs., October 30, 2008: I don't remember much from this day... not a lot happened but I do remember that by the end of that night I KNEW that this was it. Just a matter of time before J would be gone from this earth. I could tell when I'd be in his room when his spirit was there and when it was gone. It seemed to come and go as frequently as me or any other visitor would. I told him that night that I'd be ok. The kids would be ok and that it was ok if he had to go. Fri.,October 31, 2008: I got up that morning and went down to the hospital. They were to test J's brain waves and such and have the results soon. Still a strong heart beat but they said the meds that they were giving him were what was probably causing the brain activity and they'd do one last test Saturday morning. I spent the night at the hospital so that I could be by J one last time. Maybe part of me knew that, that would be the last night we'd spend together, I remember the hope I felt when he'd make those small movements from my cold hands touching his hand and how much he HATED when I had cold hands. That was the last glimmer of hope that I had Friday night as I drifted off to a dreamless sleep. I remember as I closed my eyes that everything was white. I'd wake up every so often as the nurses came in to check on J and I drift back off into my white state of sleep. Sat.,November 1, 2008: that morning I woke up waiting for the doctors to come in with the test results of his brain scan. I remember them taking me, my parents and J's parents into a room and sitting us down. The doctors never looking at me or talking to me directly. Always directing everything to my parents or J's parents. One doctor saying we needed to make a decision. That there was nothing more they could do for him, that it was probably his time to go. They would wait for me to let them know what I wanted to do. It was probably the hardest decision and yet the easiest decision for me to make in my whole life. J never wanted to be a vegetable and here he was not being able to live the life he wanted to live. I told everyone that if they wanted to say good bye they needed to do it that day. I knew that by the afternoon came it would be time for J to leave his earthly life behind. I remember asking the nurse if it was ok for the kids to come say goodbye to their dad. Up until this point they weren't even allowed to come on the floor and could only see their dad via web cam. I felt my heart break as I knew I'd have to let my kids see their dad one last time with tubes down his throat when just 11 days prior they saw him walk out the door somewhat healthy in their minds. Once everyone that wanted to say goodbye had come or called I took just the kids and I into J's room and sat down with them on my lap trying to hold back the tears as I explained to this 5 yr old boy that his daddy was about to go to heaven and live with Heavenly Father and Jesus. He looked at me with sad eyes and said "But then we won't be a family of 4 any more just a family of 3" I told him "No, we will always be a family of 4, That will never change. He may not live with us anymore but he will always be a apart of our family. " We sat there quiet for a few minutes and I asked C if he wanted to sing to his dad. He told me yes and I sat there with tears in my eyes as this sweet little boy sang I am A Child of God to his dad. The spirit in the room growing strong. I had the kids say good bye and my heart broke as K reached up and placed the angel bear that her dad had given her in his lap and turned to walk away. They kissed their dad goodbye and I sent them home with J's cousin. The time came and friends and family gathered in the room. The nurse came in and took out the tubes. I stood by J's side and looked at him and he opened his eyes and turned his head from right to left and stopped when he saw me. I thought you've got to be kidding me... but quickly his heart rate began to drop and I knew. I couldn't watch much more as the color drained from his face and my mom leaned over to me and said I needed to tell him goodbye. I told her I already had on Thurs and I couldn't do it again. She said I needed to let him know again. I held his hand as I stared at the bed and said I love you... we will be ok. Its ok to go. And he was gone. Just like that his spirit was gone. I bawled. I had just lost my best friend. This wasn't happening. It didn't happen. And yet I was still at peace. I'm still at peace to this day. I'm forever grateful for J and the blessing he gave me a year ago that still continues to bless my life. The blessing of peace and that I'd be able to handle everything that I'd need to handle. I've grown so much from this experience. Learned from my trials and seen the blessings that have come from them. I don't question WHY? Its not my place to. I know Heavenly Father has answers for me and when the time is right I will know WHY. But for now I'm at peace with where my life has been and where it is going. I'm healthy, happy and extremely blessed and I couldn't ask for more. I believe Heavenly Father needs these young spirits up there because the fight is getting tougher and he needs his best. J is one of his BEST.

August 11, 2008: The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

The waiting over, the last bit of hope drained from my very soul. Hearing the dreaded 6 letter word CANCER... my life, our lives, your lives changed in an instant. You can't deny it anymore. That word has been said. Shock, dismay, fear, courage, the fighter, hope. So many thoughts, feelings, fears going through my mind. Having to face my biggest fear just less than 3 months later... can't describe that feeling but it never goes away. That fear continues to live with me that anyone I know & love could be taken away from me in an instant. I don't know if remembering dates especially these certain ones is a blessing or a curse. Part of the fighter in me I guess. I can't pretend that my life, our lives, your lives weren't effected by CANCER. Maybe that's why I can't pass up anyone asking for donations to find a cure. I don't want anyone else to experience that heart ache I've felt and even still do when C asks if we can do something for his dad knowing its just not possible. C's birthday is coming up in the next week and I know one of the things that would make his day is if we could collect any spare change you have to donate to Cancer research so that someone else's dad doesn't have to go through what J did. That his son or daughter doesn't have to celebrate his birthday with their dad in the hospital. You'd be amazed at how fast a little spare change adds up. (Watch this video of C again from last year... If he can give up all his spare change and any money he had so can you.) If you'd like to donate your spare change please get a hold of me at iwearyellow (at)gmail(dot)com. Or donate here. Thank you... every little bit helps.