I Can't Do It Alone

I've been struggling for a while. My faith tested. I've been hurt, but mostly I've been angry. Angry at J for leaving me, angry at myself for not being able to run a house hold on my own. Get my kids to obey. Thing is I didn't really see that I was angry. At least I was in denial about it all. Trying to avoid all the feelings of grief, I found it was easier for me to just be in denial that I wasn't ok. That I was hurting. I let my faith falter and my understanding go by the way side. The day J coded I sat in the hospital bathroom confused yet all I could pray was, I need him, my kids need him, BUT, I will understand. I have no idea why these words constantly came to my mind every time I prayed that J would come out of it. That he would be ok that our family would be made whole again. My trial has changed. Its changed from being a single mom to my trial of faith and understanding of time. As I went through the first month after J's passing I felt grateful for the time we did have together. I was able to feel that gratitude for what God had given to me. But as the time passed and tasks came along that required me to find things that J could easily give me the answers to if he was here I found myself becoming angry at him. Angry that he left such a mess for me to clean up and straighten out. But, how could it be his fault? He didn't choose to die. He never would have stepped foot in that hospital had he know he'd never come home. I became angry at myself because I felt I couldn't do everything that being a single mom entails. I became angry because I am not perfect. That I make mistakes and I yell at my kids, get frustrated at strangers. I found myself being upset over the stupid little things like being put on hold just so I could cancel a credit card. Didn't these people understand how hard it was just to do things on a daily basis? That no matter how many people gave me their condolences that it wasn't gonna make me feel any better? Wouldn't change a thing? A good friend of mine spoke to me and told me that I needed to fall to my knees and have my hands outstretched instead of standing up with my fists in the air. To let go of the anger. That isn't me and its only holding me back from truly healing. I know this is true. Somehow I let myself let go of seeing the big picture. Of being grateful for what I had and continue to have. I stopped liking the person I am. I miss that girl who saw everything ever day and found something to be grateful despite the heartache I was experiencing. My parents gave me a book for my birthday by Brent L. Top titled: When You Can't Do It Alone Take the Savior's Hand. I started reading it today and I've almost made it to the end. It made me realize that I had strayed away from the Savior. That I had let myself be angry and in turn pushed him away. As I read the book I felt the anger melt away from me and felt that peace of mind, heart and soul that J had blessed me with before he entered the hospital. I started to count my blessings despite my hardships. "Gratitude saves us from wasting our spiritual and emotional powers when we focus so much on how bad we have it, what we don't have, or how we wish things were different." I started to see again how good God has been to me. I decided that I need to look everyday and count my blessings no matter how small and write them down. So that in a year from now I will be able to look back and see how truly I've been blessed. "Failure to see the hand of God in our lives in true perspective actually leaves us with a warped view of our real circumstances and true selves." How true this statement is. I've had a warped view of my real circumstances and true self for the past month. Maybe because I felt it easier to blame someone else for my circumstances instead of accepting my reality or just being grateful for what I did have and continue to have. I need to live in Thanksgiving daily, not just when I find it convenient for me. Brent L. Top goes on to say " You may feel that you are not rich in blessings, but you are! Even our trials and what we don't have, in reality, are blessings." I have been so blessed through this trial. I just haven't taken the time to step back and see it because I was too busy being angry by it. I know anger is part of the grieving process, but I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to give it all up and for me I know that will be something I battle on a daily basis until I don't have to remind myself to let it go. I have to trust in God, have faith not only in him but in myself. That I can and am doing the best that I can be doing. That I don't have to be angry. That I am truly blessed. That even though I have a huge loss and a hole in my heart that I have been blessed. Blessed to have my kids, the time I had with J, the time they had with J,blessed by the prayers of friends, family, and strangers. Blessed with the outpouring of love and prayers for me, for my kids. "God's power is always there and always available." I have a scripture that I often read especially when J was out of town or in the hospital and it always made me feel better. That I wasn't alone and that I could have that peace of mind.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you...
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: Not as the
world giveth, give I unto you, Let not your heart be troubled,
neither let it be afraid. (John 14:18, 27)

I need to remember that Heavenly Father will not leave me comfortless. That I need to turn to him when I can't do it alone anymore and he will strengthen me and bear me up. When I can no longer stand that I should fall to my knees with open palms and an open spirit and put my trust in him.

Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported
in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall
be lifted up at that last day. (Alma 36:3)

From this day forward, I resolve to put my faith back into myself, trust in the Lord and in his timing of everything. I will count my blessings everyday may they be big or small. I will find little random acts of kindness to reach out to someone. And serve. Because when I gave myself all to serving J while he was sick I was at my happiest. At times I think that may be my own kids that need to be served. That they need that from me and I need to be able to give that to them and the only way I can is by giving up that anger I have inside of me, so that I can become the best person and mom out there that I can be. I know that Christ is standing there with his hand outstretched just waiting for me to grab a hold before I drown. Its up to me to grab on and hold tight because I can't do this alone. Try as I might, I know I can't and he knows I can't.

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and
on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine
angels round about you, to bear you up. (D&C 84:88)

Be Ok

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I just wanna be ok today... Feel today... Know that maybe I will be ok....

These song lyrics seem to have been written just for me. How I feel today. I just wanna be ok today. But, I know that won't always be the case. That I can't speed up time wish time away. And the funny thing is these past 3 months time has gone by so slowly that its felt like 3 long years instead of what everyone else would see as just 3 months, long or short to them. I woke up today feeling like I was no longer walking in my daze, a fog of sorts. Feeling that reality hit like a ton of bricks. I took my wedding ring to be cleaned today and as I wore it on my finger I didn't even notice it was there even though its been months since I last wore it. As I looked at it I felt disconnected from the person that used to wear it. It was a past life of mine. The ring didn't mean the same. It was strange to feel that way. As I took J and I's rings and put them in the safe I had this feeling of it was ok. That I was now ok to be moving on. To feel ok about moving on. I know everyone has in their heads when they think or feel they'd be ready to move on if they were in my shoes. But, I don't really think anyone knows. No one can be the judge of that but me. Unless you walk a mile in my shoes no one ever would know when it was time to be ok. Everyone has their own time line. No ones time line is the same. Its whether or not you choose to be happy for that person when they feel it is time to move on, for them to be ok where their life has taken them. A big fear for me is that my friends and family won't be ok with me moving on when that time comes, when I feel like the time is right. Its important for me to feel that they are ok with me moving on and support me even when they may not feel that the time is right in their minds. I need to feel that support from them knowing that they know I made that decision because I felt it was right for me in order for me to be happy. Today was a huge step, almost like a leap for me in moving forward... being ok. I finally don't feel like I'm gonna go to bed at night and think when I wake up this nightmare will be over. Because I don't see my reality as a nightmare anymore. I see it as my chance to grow. To come out of the shell of a person that I once was. That I am a different person than who was married to J and not in a bad way. I seem to be finding out who I am as a person on my own. Yes I have 2 kids, but they don't define me as a person. I've found myself adventuring out and not being afraid of being alone at night, not afraid to pack up the kids and head out on a road trip. Feeling and knowing that no matter how hard my life may feel at times I'm starting to be ok. Starting to feel like I'm coming into my own as a person, not just as a mom or when I was a wife. But, my own person who knows when the time is right for her to move on in every sense. No one can tell me when I should feel the time is right, no one will be able to pin point when I'm gonna be ok. Only I can and only I can make myself happy. Trying to please everyone and make everyone happy all the time just isn't gonna work for me. Its not gonna make me happy. I'm starting to feel happy again. Trying to put myself first. My healing first so that I can be the best person I can be. Be the best mom I can be. Knowing that I will never be the same person I was before J died. I'm ok with that. Because even though I lost something and went through something so hard its made me a stronger person, someone who has become independent. Someone who is seeking what makes me happy so that I can be the best person out there. Change is hard, being forced to do something you don't want to do but know you have to do is hard. Its hard to sit back and think for a second what it would be like to walk around in someone else's shoes. Because you feel their heartache and you don't think you could possibly ever do what they are having to do, go through. But the truth of the matter is for me, all I can do is choose to be happy and hope that people will be happy with me being ok and moving on with my life. I'm ok with looking at pictures of J and I. I'm not sad anymore that he's not there to take pictures with me because I know he still loves me and always will and that he'd want me to be happy no matter what. I still can't look at pictures of J with the kids. I may never be ok with that and that's ok. But a huge part of the healing process has started. Time is picking up and for me that's huge. That means I'm ok with not having J by my side. I miss him. But I'm ok. I've come to terms with that. I know I can make it in this life and not be afraid or feel sad. I know that he'll always be by my side. That when that guy comes along he'll still be by my side and never leave. That he loves me always. That he loves my kids always. And that just like I told him, that I will be ok. I am so much closer to being ok. Everyday is a step closer in that direction. I'm moving towards being ok and embracing where ever my life may take me.

Angels Among Us

God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face.

Sundays are always harder on me. We have church at 1:30pm which means waiting out half the day trying to keep the kids entertained and me not frazzled by the time we do make it to church. Which pretty much ends up being that I am so done with keeping them in line and trying to make it out the door on time let alone keep them sitting still for an hour. Its hard to watch the families sitting together with the mom and dad and the kids and if one of the kids acts up the dad usually gets up and takes care of the situation. I often am envious of that. I have several people ask me how I'm doing every Sunday and I give the typical answer of I'm good but I obviously wear my emotions on my sleeve and people can instantly tell that today was not one of my good days. Try as I might things can be rough. Our lesson today in RS was on The Ministry of Angels by Jeffrey R. Holland. The teacher asked about angels in our lives today and I started to get teary eyed as I thought about my kids and how they have a special angel in their lives. How I know that J is watching over us. How I've felt his presence at times usually when I'm down. Then I also started to think about the real life angels in my life. Those of you who have taken my kids for me so I could get a break and hopefully not go insane (although some days I wonder if its too late) Those who have listened to me stress out to the max and yet have been able to get me to relax and laugh. Those of you who pray for me and my kids on a daily basis. Those who leave comments of encouragement, understanding and strength. These are my angels. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me, for my kids. I appreciate the comments that are left for me to read that help build me back up from the hard times. I hope someday I can be some one's angel... some one's saving grace. And when I'm having a hard time with the kids and I'm missing J, like I am tonight. I find peace in the knowledge that he is always with us. That there are angels among us that we can see and those that we can't see. That they will lift us up when we can't bear anymore. And although I struggle with letting people help me out, I know that God has sent these people to lift me up when I can't do it alone anymore. So thank you to all of you... you know who you are. And even if it was something small to you that you may have done for me, know that it wasn't small in my eyes. And will be forever grateful for you and what you have done for me. Even if it is something as simple as a little prayer that I can make it through the day without being stressed with my kids. That's a huge thing to me even if I don't know about it, so thank you to all my angels out there from the bottom of my heart.

Hitting a Brick Wall

Ever feel like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try that every time you turn around you hit a brick wall? Lately that's how I've felt. I've been trying to get everything wrapped up with all the financial aspects of J & I's lives. Trying to put back the pieces of my life that have been shattered into a million little pieces. I feel the pressure to get every little detail tied up and finished so that I can feel like my life is on track again. And not veering out of control down a one way street. And on top of that all I seem to be constantly hitting a brick wall with C. No matter what I do or say he just pushes me to my limits. Tests me every day. Stresses me to the max till I break. And on those days I feel like I should just throw in the towel and give up. But I can't. I can't give up on anything. On those days I really wish I could just step to the side and have J be there to step in and take C aside and explain to him how much he is hurting me, how hard it is on a daily basis to just be his mom and how hard I'm trying to play the role of mom, dad and financial person at the same time. Trying to hold this household together but, feeling like I'm failing miserably. Its interesting to me to look back over the past 5 months and see how far I've come. How much I've changed. And to see how different of a person I've become. I feel like I've been split down the middle, torn in two and I can see the person I used to be and the person I've become and continue to become. Its not a bad thing. All these experiences although rough, sad, stressful, heartbreaking have made me who I am. Changed me for the good I hope. I often wonder why Heavenly Father has trusted me with this trial. Wondered why He has so much faith in me to be in this role of single mom. Why He thinks or I should say knows I can do this. Because often more days than not I'd rather give it all up, I want a different life. I want to have that sense of family back. Feel whole again, not only as a family but as a person. I know I have to be patient and things will all work themselves out over time. Time heals all. But, right now, time and I aren't exactly the best of friends. I feel time slowly going by on the days I'm stressed to the max and yet when I look back on things I start to think where did the time go? I can't believe that it is going by so quickly and I think about the things that have happened with the kids and watching K grow up right before my very eyes and wonder how much J sees. Does he see her learning how to open the fridge just to throw a dozen eggs all over the floor, does he see how proud C is to be able to order his own food and pay for it at the fast food restaurant. Does he see me at times struggling with the day to day tasks. Does he see me when I am happy? I have my days where I'm worn and I have my days where I'm starting to feel my heart healing and I feel like everything is going to be ok. That things will turn around and just keep getting better. I have to constantly remind myself that J wouldn't want me to be stressed because of everything I have to do. But I can't help it. These things are just things that have to be done and once they are done, they will be a distant memory. Never to be thought of again. And I will be totally and completely happy. I'm starting to feel happy. Be happy. I just have my days. Nothing is easy and I shouldn't think for a second that it is going to be. Because anything worth in this life isn't easy but it is worth fighting for. J's battle wasn't easy but he saw what was worth fighting for and for me this battle isn't easy but its worth fighting for, to get myself back, find myself, even if that is a new self. To be able to find and have happiness again in my life. To feel whole again. So bring it on. I'm stubborn and I'm not ready to give up. I will face this trial and because of it, everyday I'm a stronger person. Whether I like it or not, this makes me stronger. And I am stronger... stronger than I ever imagined possible.

Most Days

Most days go by and I'm doing great. I handle things and I start to think I'm getting the hang of this single mom biz. Then a day like today happens. The house gets torn apart a million times. Kids are crying, drinks spilled, food thrown and I'm struggling to just get every little detail of my life fixed and in order. I find myself missing J. Watching the clock for that 6 'o clock hour to hit. The magic hour that used to occur at our house when J would walk through that door and we'd sit down as a family for dinner and I knew that I'd get a break from being a mom. I wished for most of all that he'd be here for my kids. Not even for me. Not to hold me or hug me. But, to be able to play with my kids. To wipe away K's tears because she's not feeling well to snuggle up with her like he always would. To build an awesome train track with C. I found myself as I put them to bed praying that he'd be able to visit them in some way tonight. To comfort K because she doesn't feel well. For the first time I miss J because of my kids. I ache for my kids. That they are missing out on having him here physically although I know without a doubt that he's always around. I know he's been watching K dance to her little hearts content. And been watching C play the same level on the video game over and over again and just smiling at the ridiculous words C's started to use. Knowing that he's getting a kick out of it. I just wish for one night, maybe tonight that my kids will really feel him around. Know how much he loves them and misses them. They need it, more than they probably even know. I need it for them....

10 Years Ago Today

At 9am J and I were married for time and all eternity. Seems not that long ago. Like the blink of an eye. 10 years is a long time now days to be married. Most couples now days don't make it past the first 3 years. I've been overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions today. My dad brought over a present last night for me to open this morning. I sat in my room door locked not knowing what could be inside. I opened the box to find that my mom had gotten our wedding video and put it on DVD for us. She meant to get it to us for our 5 year but the video got lost and every year she'd get working on it and it just didn't get done till now. I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. Kids pounding on the door to my room. I just sat there. Didn't know how to feel or think. Sad cause he's not here to watch it with me. Sad because 10 years is a big deal and I felt like I should be on a beach with him somewhere celebrating instead I drove down to the grave today and placed flowers there. I've never bought flowers for someone before. Let alone taken flowers to someone's grave. It was a strange feeling. Almost sick to my stomach kinda feeling. Like this just wasn't right. But I know J wouldn't want me to be sad today. He'd want me to remember the good times, the tough times and how much we love each other. I feel like two different people. The girl that was married to J and experienced having two kids with him and enduring this trial of cancer with him and then this other girl. The single girl with two kids who is starting to feel happy again and feel like she can move on and that J is happy for her and always with her. You start to feel a little guilty about being happy again but I realized that J doesn't want me to be sad. He wants me to move on and be happy and he'll always be by my side through it all. I know J's gift to me today is that feeling of peace that its ok to feel sad and to feel like its ok to move on and be happy. I didn't think today would be that hard but maybe I was just fooling myself. So many years of emotions come flooding back and things just feel broken. Not the same. As I lay in bed last night with a heavy heart I could tell J was there next to me. I could feel him and I was able to drift off into a dreamless sleep. That's the greatest gift he can ever give to me. To always be there for me whenever, even if he can't hug me or touch me. Just to know he's there. Happy Anniversary... till we meet again. I love you.

Healing a Broken Heart in 2009

January 1st marks the start of a new year. Most people sit and make out new years resolutions, what they want to accomplish this year. Usually I'd be all about resolutions and setting goals. This year was different. I woke up knowing what day it was. Knowing that it had been 2 months since J passed. Its hard to know how I'm gonna feel on any given day. Your heart can feel happy and sad at the same time. Feel broken and healing at the same time. Feel longing and love. I feel like I'm healing and slowly moving on. That life is gonna be good. That 2009 is going to bring nothing but happiness for me, for my kids for everyone. That J is up there looking out for me. Knowing what I need and making sure I'm being taken care of. Whether its sending someone my way to help me out with the kids or someone to talk to. I know J has a hand in it. He's guiding those who serve us, those who love us, those who just think about us and pray for us on a daily basis. I know he's up there watching over us, loving us just as much as the day he was here on this earth. Time doesn't exist up in heaven. Its a blink of an eye. Some days I wish I could blink my eyes and time wouldn't matter. That I wouldn't have to hear... it just takes time, because sometime you just feel that you don't want to wait for time. That you wish time would speed up and everything would be "perfect" again. But, I know that's not how things work. Things take time to heal, to grow, to become and I'm starting to be ok with that. And for me that's a huge thing. Starting to feel normal again. Not really sure what normal is, but I'm starting to feel happy again. That I can do this no matter how hard somedays are. I'm doing it and "growing up". Strange to be 29 and just now feeling like I'm growing up. I've had J by my side for almost 10 years to help me with so much stuff that I'm now learning how to take care of things on my own and it feels good. I don't see it as a burden because I can't look at it as that. I have to look at it as something I'd have to do if he was sick or out of town or in the hospital. And as long as I keep optimistic I can handle most things. I have my days and they are becoming further apart. I don't know if it is because I'm healing my broken heart and J's helping me a long with that or what. But I know that he's always looking out for us and that is something I will never ever forget and will be forever grateful for.