I Will Get You Help...

As the 9th month approaches since J's passing I've been thinking of some of the last things he and I talked about before that day that I got the call that forever changed my life. I don't know why I can remember dates so vividly but I do. I find that I never forget certain dates. Sunday October 26, 2008... I remember it was late. My brother and I went to visit J. I had had one of those harder days. I was struggling. I was feeling like I was getting no help. I felt sorry for myself. Sorry for the situation I was in. I remember those feelings so vividly. I remember taking a walk with J around the hospital floor where he was allowed to walk. I remember crying to him because I felt like I couldn't keep going on. Just before I left that night he hugged me good bye and said to me... "If you don't get help by Wednesday I will get help for you." I really didn't know what he meant by those words. But as the months have passed I have seen first hand in my life the help that J was talking about. Maybe he knew to some degree that his time here on earth was short but he never let anyone know that. He knew in his heart that he would get me help... J coded October 29th, 2008... that Wednesday that he told me he'd get me help. Help came in so many different ways... comfort, prayers,... and then he sent me the help that I really needed... my angel, he sent him my way. Someone to listen to me when I didn't want to talk to anyone else. Some one's shoulder to cry on. Someone to lift me up and carry me when I couldn't walk any more. J knew exactly what kind of help I really needed and never left my side from day one. He made sure that certain things fell into place so that I would get the help that I needed. That my kids and I would be taken care of. So as I sit here tonight and think about all the ways he's sent me help over the past 9 months I can't help but feel overwhelmed by his love for his family. That he'd move Heaven and Earth for us, especially me to send me the help that I needed so desperately. Especially when he couldn't be the one to be here for me. He sent me someone to do his part. Take care of me and those he left behind. I will be forever grateful to J for getting me help even if that meant he had to leave this earth and take care of things on the other side. I'm grateful for my angel and his help that has helped me get through this trial in my life. Without my angel I would be lost. I am grateful to J for guiding my angel to me and for continuing to guide us and help us all.

What If?

What if people weren't so judgemental? What if people didn't scrutinize other people's lives... watch their every move? What if they let them live their lives and not think to themselves (and some outloud) how they'd live their life differently if put in that situation? What if you could live your life without the worry of doing something the wrong way? What if you could live a happy life without everyone feeling as though you've wronged them... wronged J? What if people could just appreciate you for you... who you are as a person? Accept you for your strengths and your weaknesses and not judge you on any decision you make? What if J and I had made different decisons about his treatment of his cancer? What if we hadn't gone through with the stem cell? What if J hadn't died? I could sit here all day and say what if? But the truth of the matter is I can't answer any of these questions. The what if's of life. I had a dream about a week or so ago about me sitting down with a man and his wife and telling my story of J from start to finish. When I woke up from the dream I had all these what if's? in my head. I think all too often when something happens to us we sit back and think what if? What if things had happened different? What if I had done this different? Would the outcome be different completely or just slightly? Would it make a difference? I believe we all have a destiny... a chosen purpose on this life and even though we are free to make our own choices that there are just somethings that God over rides. He knows us better than anyone else. He knows what is best for us... where our lives need to head. There have been so many what if's since J died but I know Heavenly Father has pushed, prodded, shown me the way where I needed to be despite all the what if's that run through my head. I think most people sit back when something happens and think Why? I've never questioned why I've been given these trials. Just the what if's seem to run through my mind. I guess what it comes down to is I need to move past the what if's and wondering and just live my life in the here and now. I can't focus on the what if's in life... even the what if's of today of the little decisions I make. Or even the choices my own kids make. Life is life. It happens. Life can't be rewound so why spend the time on the what if's? Come what may and embrace it... continue to move forward...and most importantly enjoy the ride...

The Climb

(this photo was taken of K & J during on of the times he was having back pain)
A year ago I never thought I'd be where I am today... Never thought that my life would be so drastically different from what I had been living for the past 9.5 years. A year ago is when our lives started to change. J started to have really bad back pain and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. We thought maybe he had just pulled a muscle in his back. It would come and go every couple of weeks. Finally after the second time it came back and he just couldn't even move he decided to go to the doctor to try and figure out what it could be. Test after test and no diagnoses until August 8, 2008. That day will forever stick in my mind. That day forever changed our lives... changed how we thought, how we lived, the decisions we made. It has been an uphill battle for me for the past 8 months. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Not sure if this is really my life. Time seems to be flying past and yet the pain is still raw at times. I never know what will make me cry. I do know that I can't handle any movie where someone dies. That memory of being there with J as he passed on is too raw for me. Too painful. I don't think it will ever go away. Maybe I don't
want it to go away. Keeps me pushing forward. Because I did tell J that I would be ok and I am ok. I'm better than ok. I'm making that climb up the mountain. I know there will always be another mountain to climb but just like the song by Miley Cyrus (The Climb) its not about whats waiting on the other side but the climb... what have I learned from the past 8 months? The past year? I've learned to love more, love again and not to take for granted the little things in life and so much more. Sometimes my kids frustrate me to no end but at the end of the day I'm grateful for what I have been blessed with. I'm grateful for the hardships I've endured and continue to endure. I'm trying to learn from any battle I face and accept the fact that I may loose sometimes. But tomorrow is a new day and a new go at it. I try to not to let my faith falter... A lot of times that's all I have to go on is faith... faith that things will work out in the darkest of days. With out faith I know I'd constantly loose every battle I face and I wouldn't be so blessed. There are days I will just sit and look back at these mountains that have been put before me to climb and I wonder how I ever made it over certain mountains but I did and I grew so much from each climb I made. So even though just 8 short sometimes long months have past and maybe the hardest climb of my life has past me or is getting to that point I need to remember to keep strong and keep pushing on. That every struggle I face isn't about just getting to the otherside its about the climb and learning and growing from that. Life is good and I'm truly blessed....