Missing J

Its almost 4am & here I am wide awake, unable to find sleep. A million thoughts running through my head. Finding myself thinking things over & over. Replaying the last time I saw J alive in my head, what I said & how even though 15 months has past its so vivid in my mind & everytime I meet someone new & I end up telling my story, I can't help but cry. I find myself now thinking about J, missing him. I miss talking to him & hearing his stupid jokes he thought were hilarious but really weren't. I miss hearing his laugh & seeing him smile when K would snuggle in close to him. I miss watching him & C play a video game together. I don't normally admit that I miss him, at least not out loud. Maybe I want to prove I'm stronger than I really am. Maybe I don't want to admit it cause it makes me look emotional & vunerable & I don't like that. I'm told I wear my emotions on my sleeve & that's kind of a hard pill for me to swallow cause I tend to not like to talk about my emotions or how I feel, cause I see it as a weakness in me. Easier for me to "pretend" that I'm okay, yet I'm easily seen through & it makes me feel vunerable. Maybe I don't admit that I miss J cause I don't want to be vunerable, or make others feel uncomfortable because I'm liable to burst into tears. But, right now I don't care to be strong, I'd rather admit that ya, I'm missing him & I know I always will, just sometimes it will be stronger than others & that's okay, admitting it might just be another step towards my healing & my growth as a person. And that's okay with me.