Truly Grateful

I've been thinking of the time that J had to spend with us, not just because Thanksgiving is just a day away but because it helps me get through the tough days. Although we were only married for just shy of 10 yrs in January we had 13 wonderful years together... C had 5 years with his dad and K 19 months with him. We've been lucky... I feel blessed that we were able to meet at such a young age J was 17 and I was 15... and we were pretty much inseparable since then.... just ask our parents. Some days are easier than others. But, everyday I think about J and think about how grateful I am that I had those years with him. That we have our two kids together. That although their time with them was cut short he will always be there for them. He'll always be their dad... Nothing will ever change that. I'm grateful that he'll always be able to be there when K has a dance recital or C has a ball game. They may not have their dad here physically but they will always have that special guardian angel to look over them. I'm grateful that J was able to have those 31 yrs on this earth. If I stop and think everyday what I'm grateful for even though J is gone I find myself feeling better. I know sometimes its hard for me to think of what to be grateful for without J in my life now but I think about all the things he did for me, for the kids, for everyone who's lives he has touched. I'm grateful for his outpouring of love for everyone. I'm grateful that he was always a friend to everyone and passed that trait onto C. I'm grateful that he showed me how much he loved me everyday and that my kids were able to see that, feel that. I'm grateful that he was an example of always caring and loving his family especially his extended family. I could go on and on... but most of all I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing J into our lives. We will be forever changed because he has been in our lives.
"Time is: Too slow for those who wait, Too swift for those who fear, Too long for those who grieve, Too short for those who rejoice, But for those who love, Time is eternity."
Time may have been too short while J was here and too long for those of us who grieve his loss but those who love him and those he loves time will always be eternity... and for that I'm truly grateful...

Closer Than Ever

In church today (Relief Society) we had a lesson on celestial marriages. And wouldn't you know it I got the quote about serving your spouse. I thought back over the last few months as J and went through this trial of cancer again and thought about how much closer we had become. I came to realize that it was not because he had cancer but because we were constantly serving each other. I was always concerned with him and how he felt and making sure his bandages were changed daily that his port was flushed and other things. He was always checking up on me making sure I had the breaks I needed. Making sure I got to do something for myself and was never thinking about himself even though he was sicker than sick at times. And because we were busy thinking about the other person, the little things didn't bug us. I think of how easy it is to love our children unconditionally but how hard is it to love your spouse or significant other unconditionally? As hard as these trials have been I'm grateful to know that before J died we both felt that unconditional love for one another. That there wasn't any question in either one of our minds about how we felt for one another. Cancer could have easily torn us apart if we had let it. But we chose to take it head on and make something good out of it. I miss J today. It seems like I can go for a few days without feeling like my world was torn apart, today was just kind of different. I half expected the phone to ring and hear his voice on the other line. But no matter how much I miss him I will always know how much he loves me and the kids and he proved that to me over and over again by serving me and never complaining about how hard his life was. For that I'm forever grateful. I'm grateful that he was able to feel my love for him as I served him and if I had to do it all over again I would...

My Daddy Rides A Harley

Yesterday as K and walked into a book store she looked over at a Harley motorcycle, pointed and said "Dada". I looked over and saw this bike parked there and kinda chuckled to myself wondering if she did see her daddy or if it was just a weird coincidence. See, J loved Harleys he really wanted to get one once everything was good and he had a clean bill of health. K doesn't know this... she is way to young to know that her dad loved motorcycles and has never really heard us talk about them. J never pointed them out to her either. We went about our business and walked back out of the bookstore. The bike still sat there and once again K started pointing this time getting more excited as she shouted "Dada, Dada!" I continued to walk with her and she continued to watch and say "Dada". We go to the car and I put her in the car and she seemed to be looking at someone who wasn't there. She continued to say "Dada" until I got into the car and drove off. I drove past the bike once more telling her to look out the window and no response from her as we passed the motorcycle. I turned and asked her if she had seen her Daddy and she responded by shaking her head yes... I think he visits her the most... maybe cause she is Daddy's girl or maybe cause she is so close to the veil... either way I love that she is able to feel his presence and know he's there. It makes the hard days a little less hard.

Being A Single Mom

I've always thought highly of single moms.... I never wanted to be one. I always thought they had so much on their plate. Now I know what it feels like to have more on my plate than I care to eat. I knew the feeling slightly when J would travel and sometimes be gone for a week at a time. But I always knew he'd be coming back home. I'd be able to call him up everyday and we'd talk about whatever... sometimes nothing at all. I've come to realize that being a single mom is so much harder than anyone ever thinks. You get the kids up and ready for the day, You feed them breakfast, lunch and dinner, make sure they are bathed and put to bed at hopefully a decent hour... (I'm still working on this one). You pay all the bills, do the grocery shopping, take out the dishes and do the laundry. You make sure the trash is taken out and pushed to the curb. You make the meals and clear the table. You read the bedtime stories and tuck the kids in at night. You sit alone and watch tv. Wishing that for just one night your husband could be sitting there next to you... just to put his arm around you and say... " I know you've had a hard day but, you are doing a great job". Sometimes I think we take for granted all the things that our significant other does for us. The sacrifices that they make for us. The things they do big or small. Oh, how I wish to just be able to be slightly irritate cause J left a wrapper on the floor. Don't take for granted those in your life right now. Be grateful for where you are in your life.... A friend of mine said "I know you are frustrated, but give your kids a hug, things will turn around.." I know tomorrow is another day. And today will just be another notch in my belt. Another day without J, and I miss him so much but I become a stronger person everyday... I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father has a lot of faith in me. I never in a million years would have pegged myself as someone who could be strong enough to do this. But, I'll do it... cause someone, no at least 2 people up there have faith in me that I can do this and I'm betting that J's one of them...

Just Some Spare Change...

Is all it takes. Just a few coins here and there. I've been meaning to post this video of C from back on Oct. 28th the day before our worlds were turned upside down. It means a lot to me... His school was collecting spare change to donate to cancer research and so I was collecting the spare change we had around the house. When C asked me what I was doing I told him and he ran upstairs without saying a word and came down the stairs with his bank with a few dollars in change that he had earned doing chores around the house. He didn't even think twice about wanting to donate all his "fun" money so that the doctors could find a cure and be able to give his daddy the medicine he needed. I think if everyone went around and collected their spare change they'd be surprised how much they could make a difference. Take that spare change and donate it. If everyone took just a dollar in change that they found lying around the house and donated it you'd be so surprised at how big of a difference it would make. Help us find a cure so that kids like C & K won't have to loose a parent. Your spare change could change someone's world for the better.

2 Weeks

2 weeks has gone by since J passed away. 2 weeks that seems like 2 years. 2 weeks that have been the hardest and sadest of my life. 2 weeks were I've had moments of felt J's spirit around. 2 weeks were I've wanted so badly to pick up the phone and call him. 2 weeks of wishing things could have turned out different. 2 weeks of being happy and yet sad at the same time. 2 weeks of being a single mom. 2 weeks of being a widow. 2 weeks of wondering if I could really do all this. 2 weeks of feeling overwhelmed, stressed at times. 2 weeks of feeling continued peace and comfort. 2 weeks of knowing everything was going to be alright. 2 weeks of seeing J everyday through my kids. 2 weeks of finding him in them. 2 weeks of knowing he'll love us forever. 2 weeks has past and I'm stronger because of these 2 weeks. Thank you for the continuous prayers for me and my kids. I know we couldn't have survived these last 2 weeks without the love, prayers and support of everyone. 2 weeks seems like a lifetime.

Good Days & Bad Days

I know there will always be good days and bad days... Tuesday was well, a bad day. I was feeling the effects of a broken heart and just didn't know what to do. I had taken C & K to a Veteran's Day parade with some people in the ward. My first adventure with the kids knowing I wouldn't have J to talk to if things went completely wrong. The parade went alright despite C sitting there throwing rocks or running off to the point that I'd start to slightly panic. Afterwards a few of us went out to eat with the kids and I thought ok I don't normally do this because you have to tag team C and J was always with me if I took the kids to lunch just for that reason. C was crazy at lunch and K a perfect angel as usual. By 2pm I had enough and was ready to leave I told C it was time to go and the meltdown began. By the time I had both kids in the car I was in tears and just couldn't take anymore. Usually I'd call up J and tell him about my day and what had gone wrong. But, I couldn't, and I felt jipped, that all these other women could call their husbands and talk to them and tell them what their kids had been doing today. I had to sit back and take it. I couldn't even talk to C on the way home, I was so upset. I heard him talking softly to himself in the backseat and after a few min. I heard him say "Mom, I want to apologize, I know you miss dad, I will try and be a better boy. I'm sorry I made you sad." This is so not like C. I believe he was talking to J. That J told him that he needed to say sorry and be better. It was what I needed. Although my day went smoother I still missed J and couldn't get over that feeling. We ended the night with both kids and I snuggled up in J's quilt and K fast asleep. By the time I went to bed that night I finally felt a little bit better. I know J was there trying to comfort C in my time of need. Trying to help me out the only way he knew how or could help out. I know there are going to be many more bad days where I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But, I'll get through them and tomorrow is always a new day. Thankfully Wednesday was a good day...

Coming Home

Coming home has been a little harder than I thought. I walked in the door this afternoon with both kids one wanting to play games and the other screaming at the top of her lungs for who knows what reason and me feeling stressed out to the max feeling like I didn't know what to do and that I couldn't do this on my own. I couldn't make K happy no matter what I did and couldn't find the cord so that C could play a game on the tv. I sat in J's office and just cried. C came in and said " I know you miss Dad, its gonna be ok." The same phrase that I've said to him many times. He told me that he wished he had 100 arms so that he could help me but he only had 2 arms and that he would try and help me. Soon after I found the cords and C was happily playing and K had finally found something to make herself happy. Later on I was in our room sorting laundry and working on getting everything organized. K all of a sudden started saying "bed, bed" and she has never said this word before. I picked her up intending to put her on the MADE bed to find that the sheets and comforter had been FOLDED down the way that J and I always folded it down just before bed. I know the bed was made when I came home this afternoon and put everything in our room. It was his way of letting me know that he was there, watching over us, letting me know that everything was going to be ok. Normally this probably would have freaked me out but because the bed was folded in such a way I knew it wasn't anyone else but him. I know that there wasn't anything else he could have done for me to know that it was him, that he had been there. I would have blown it off like oh I had put something there or over looked that object and now here it is. He knew the only thing he could do to make me know that he was there, was to do something so sweet and simple as folding down the sheets to the bed we used to share...

You Never Think....

You never think that at your age you'll be planing a funeral... let alone a funeral for your spouse. It just doesn't seem real. I still feel like I should wake up at any moment and J will be alive. Sitting there to talk to me. Telling me I look beautiful today even though my hair is a mess and I don't have any mascara on. Telling me and the kids he loves us. Just being able to feel him wrap his arms around me. C lost his first tooth last night and I so badly wanted to call J up and say "Guess what!" and then I realized its the little things like that, that will be hard. The little milestones that I can't pick up the phone and say J, C just lost his tooth. But then I thought I'm sad that he missed out on it but you know what He probably has the best view of all. Able to see everything at a moments notice. And that made me feel a little better. And as I was putting K to bed and she and I were laying there on the bed and I say to her every night... "You know your Daddy loves you very much, and he'll always be there to watch over you." And then I asked her... Do you want to tell Daddy goodnight? And she looked up at the ceiling and started blowing him kisses and I knew that she understood as much as a 20 month old can understand. But I believe she is handling it better being so close to the veil. And I knew she was gonna be ok. That things would be ok. Thank goodness for the sweet spirit of a small child. These kids will help me get through it all. As hard as somethings maybe I'm gonna be ok.... Thank you for everyone's support and continued prayers. We love you all.


Funeral is on Sat. at 11am.
There will also be a viewing an hour prior.
There will be a viewing on Friday from 6-8pm.

Anyone wishing to make a donation to the account my Father In Law set up for the kids and I please feel free to email me at iwearyellow(at)gmail(dot)com and I will pass along the info to you.

God Be With You Till We Meet Again

Loving husband, father, brother and son passed away peacefully this afternoon around 2pm surrounded by friends and family. I'm filled with peace that he is ok and we are going to be ok. We will forever be a family of four... forever and ever....

I want to collect memories and stories for my kids of J if you have any story leave a comment or email me at iwearyellow (at) gmail (dot) com. I want stories from everyone that has a story or stories of J my kids need to have his memory kept alive. Thank you for the constant love and support and all your prayers. You have lifted us up and made us all feel so loved...thank you.

Please Pray for Peace

Please pray for peace... for J for me, for my kids for everyone who's lives have been touched by J. The dr. came in this morning and said there aren't enough signs that he came back from when he coded on Wed. We will be taking the breathing tube out sometime today. I've talked with C and tried to explain as best I could to a 5 yr old that his daddy was going to Heaven and that he'll always be there for him no matter what. The spirit was so strong when the sweet little voice of this little 5 yr old began to sing I am a Child of God. K came in and gave her dad a kiss and leaned up and waved as if saying good bye to him and blew him a kiss. I am doing the best I can be doing. I have had peace since I went to bed last night and continue to have that. J must have known something... just please pray for peace.

Little Movements

Last night and this morning J has been responding to touch especially to my cold hands which he hates. The Menatol that they give him to reduce the swelling seems to be working. We are just waiting for the Drs. to come in and see if they will do a CT and go from there. My dad and J's dad both gave him a blessing and both of them said that it is left in the Lord's hands. We believe that we just have to have faith that Heavenly Father knows what's best. I've felt at peace this morning and I pray that I continue to feel that. I was able to sleep next to J on my own little bed and had dreamless sleep. That seemed to help. Waiting is the hardest part of all of this. Keep up the faith and the prayers we still are hoping for a miracle if that's what Heavenly Father sees fit. Thank you for everyones love, constant support and prayers.

Keeping Hope Alive

My hope and faith has been strengthened... J's nurse has helped us be lifted and feel that hope. J's nurse was actually diagnosed with cancer back in 1995... He was diagnosed with terminal neck cancer and ended up in hospic and was able to come back from that even though he was on a respirator and sent to pretty much die. But he said to me... You can't listen to what the doctors say, you have to have hope and never give up hope you never know what will happen. J is such a fighter and we aren't ready to give up on him. He is getting meds that help reduce the swelling in the brain and his pupils are equally dialated and that's a good sign that the meds are working and the swelling is going down. Also he is only on 40% oxygen which is really good. So we aren't giving up hope. With everyones continued hope, prayers and fasting miracles WILL HAPPEN.

We Need A Miracle

We need a miracle. J had his brain scan this morning and things aren't looking good. His brain is continuing to swell and they've have given him meds to relieve the swelling. We are doing a fast for him for the next 24 hrs. They will do another brain scan in the morning. They say things don't look good and he may not make the night. We need a miracle. I know that we will be together again someday and no matter how tough things get I will always have that peace. Before J went into the hospital just 2 weeks ago he blessed me with peace and comfort and that's all I've felt. I feel at peace despite my world crashing down around me. I know that no matter what happens my kids and I will be at peace and be ok. J will always take of us even if it isn't beside us. Please keep him in your prayers. Thank you to everyone who has touch our lives even in a small way. We love you all.

A Small Update:

I don't have much to update on J tonight other than they put him under deeper sedation last night because he was still having seizures. He is still on the breathing machine and they started bringing his temperature back up around 2pm today slowly about a 1/2 a degree to a degree at a time. They still have to watch him closely as this causes other issues to arise such as his blood pressure dropping so they started him on meds before they started raising his temperature. Tomorrow morning they will turn off the sedation and see if he comes to at all or if there are anymore seizures. If he is still having seizures they will most likely put him back under. There are no guarantees that he will wake up tomorrow. We hope and pray that he'll show some sign that things are there and working... it could take up to a week for him to wake up. The good thing about him sleeping right now is that this is the most painful time with horrible mouth sores and him feeling so sick. (this is why they believe that he aspirated yesterday: he got sick and threw up and swallowed some of it back and choked until he was no longer breathing.) At least he can sleep in peace for now. I will update as more info comes about and they will possibly be doing a brain wave scan if he doesn't wake up or show any kind of sign. As for the kids C doesn't really seem to know any different than that J is in the hospital still and sick. K woke up a few times last night and was crying and one point whimpering and she's never done that before. I'm pretty sure she could tell that something is wrong. As for me I'm doing pretty good. Hanging in there. I think night time is when it hits me the most. I miss talking to J and telling him goodnight; I love you. Hearing him tell me that he loves me back or me just being able to text him goodnight, I love you. I think we often take for granted something as simple as that. So please don't... if you love someone tell them everyday. I can at least know that the last thing he heard me say on Tues. when I left his room was I love you... he couldn't talk but he could write on his white board that he had and he made a point of telling that me that he loved me everytime and that I was beautiful... that I'm grateful for. Thank you for everyone's out pouring of support and prayers.... please keep them up. We love and appreciate everyone.... Its amazing to me all the love we've felt even from people we don't even know... so thank you.

Please Pray Hard

J is currently on a breathing machine... earlier this morning he was joking with the nurse and when she came back 20-25 min later to take his blood sugar they found him non responsive with no heart beat and not breathing. The Dr. started compressions on him and started his heart back up. They have moved him to the ICU unit on the oncology ward floor. They say he won't wake up from 24 hrs to a week. It is a wait and pray game right now. We won't know what kind of long lasting effects he will have for a while. They are doing a test to check his brain waves and see what the small seizures he is having are doing. They are also cooling his body down to 95° for 18 hrs. to prevent brain swelling and preserve his other organs. Then they will let his body temp go back up on its own. This will happen about 1pm tomorrow. We just have to wait and see how his other organs come out of this as well. We won't too much more till they do another brain scan Friday morning. The first one showed signs of activity but was diminished and could have been from the trauma. They did an ultrasound of his heart and it is strong. Please keep J in your prayers...pray hard that he will recover with no problems, no lasting side effects. We need him...

Day 0: Happy Birthday!

Well, J got the rest of his 37.5% of stem cells today... 3 bags vs. the 1 bag on Sat. He was drowsy from the pre-meds and wasn't feeling so great this morning. He has some really bad mouth sores and now is finding it hard to talk and swallow which means he'll be on IV nutrition soon. This happens to everyone. Its to be expected. He has requested a white board so he can comunicate with people and has now had to just text instead of talking on the phone. The Drs. have said this will be the worst week. But the good news is that he did well with his stem cell injections and that as fast as he has felt bad he will feel good just as fast. Thank you for all the prayers. Please bless J that his stem cells will continue to rapidly reproduce and that the mouth sores will subside. Its hard to believe that we are down to day 0 from now on they keep track of his days by adding a + to each day so tomorrow is day +1 and they go from there. Getting to the plus state means things will only get better. Also please say a special prayer for K and especially C who is having a hard time dealing with his dad being in the hospital. Needless to say he got in trouble at school for the first time today... Thank you for all the love, support and prayers! Keep them coming.

12.5% of Stem Cells...Its a Good Day!

Well J made sure that I knew what time he was getting his stem cells back so I was able to be there and talk with him before they doped him up. They came in and gave him his pre meds and his Benadryl but he stayed awake for the whole process which was only a few min. The doctor came in and talked with J and J was joking around with him. He even asked one of the nurses at one point if he was going to get stem cells like Arnold Schwarzenegger and get all strong and have muscles. He was hilarious when he became doped up. He would slur his words together and even wanted to call his family and said "it'll be so funny" I was laughing so hard while he was leaving a message on the machine. I tried to get a video of him but by the time I did he wasn't saying much. He did however have me video him talking once he was doped. I can still smell the stem cells which to me smelled like a strong tomato soup other people have said it smells like creamed corn or garlic. Either way I couldn't stand the smell. J just said it was cold and he could feel them going back into his body. His doctor said it's nothing exciting but I thought it was pretty exciting that they can do stuff like this and that means one week down. The only side effects from the stem cells being transfered back was that he got the chills. They'll give him neupogen again to stimulate the stem cells to reproduce and will watch for when his counts come back up again which will be such a happy day.

This first video is of J before he got the drugs.


Once he got the drugs and they kicked in his words were slurred and he was just happy and feeling good.


And this last video is of the last little bit of his stem cells being put back.

Friday Family Date Night

Just wanted to update everyone on J. He is doing so much better tonight and even was able to eat dinner and keep it down. The meds they gave him have really been working. He gets to have a partial "birthday"(this is what the nurses call it) tomorrow; when he gets 12.5% of his stem cells back. He'll get the other 37.5% back on Monday which will be his official birthday. I'm hoping to be able to be there and get some photos that J wants. They'll be giving him steroids, Benadryl and some other pre-meds that will probably knock him out and he won't even be awake to see himself getting his cells back. He was feeling well enough tonight that he called me and the kids and I got to have some web cam together. Most of it consists of him sending little "winks" that play different images onto the screen. The kids love it and towards the end K finally realized that her dad was on the screen too! After a good 15 min of talking and sending winks back and forth it was time for J to tell the kids goodnight and K blew her kisses and was off. C ran back and forth telling J goodnight. C told me that he wants his dad to come home fast so pray that the stem cells will engraft (basically reproduce) quickly...

Chemo is all done!

All my chemo is done! Tomorrow is a rest day then they start giving me my stem cells on Saturday. I slept all afternoon from the drugs but am feeling better now. Well, that's all I've got for now.

J