Sunday, February 22, 2009
Raw Emotions
Why is when you feel like you've made some sort of progress in the whole healing process that you feel like you can take on something? I started turning this blog into a book. A book that myself or my kids or whoever can read someday. I was working on putting each post where I wanted it to be, in doing so I started to read bits and pieces of those days that I posted. I was instantly taken back to that place, time, date. Those raw emotions flooded to the surface as though it was yesterday, or even 5 min ago. The pain, the heartache. But, I felt those emotions for someone else. Some other girl. Like an out of body experience. I hurt for her. For what she's gone through. What's she's experienced. Felt the hurt of losing her best friend, husband and father of her children. I could feel the emotion, the excitement as I got closer to J getting his stem cells back and then the hurt, the pain as things went horribly wrong. The begging for peace, not for just her but for her kids. I couldn't stop. I kept going until I got to here. Today. This girl. Same girl. Yet different. Changed. Pain is still there. Just the pain is for that other girl. How do you take that away? Does it ever go away? Does the feeling of feeling like you're healing and taking a step forward but two steps backwards ever go away? I don't know. Maybe this is what I needed. To face what I've been through. See it through different eyes. Reevaluate. Feel. Experience. Heal.
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3 comments:
I think you are right on the path, exactly where you need to be. I am always uplifted by the fact that you have drawn closer to the Lord, not away as many people do during very hard trials. Your journey, as you have chronicalled it, is real and raw. I applaud you for having the courage to share - I honestly believe it will help heal not only you, but all those who read your blog. You are an inspiration to more people that you know. And not because it is all sunshine and happy, but because it is real. May you and your family continue to grow closer to the Lord - you remain in our prayers. Much love, Michelle
Does the pain go away...I kind of doubt it...I think it becomes part of who you are and that's not necessarily a bad thing...makes you notice others around you in a different way. And feeling is better than going numb.The out of body experience...I think anyone who's gone through a traumatic experience goes through that kind of thing. Almost like you're reading a book about somebody else's life and then realize...no this is my life. I have a feeling you are moving forward much more than you realize even if you sense the moving backward part...We don't tend to realize how much God is carrying us. I enjoy looking back a year, two years back on my blog and seeing where I was then, the struggles I was facing and then realizing how far God has brought me. Keep writing...you'll be amazed at how much you can trace God's hand, His provision as the time goes by. Having a good cry is good for the soul.
I would love meet Ruth some day. Her comments are so wise and touching. When the rest of us don't know what to say....she has lived through all of this....and writes such comforting things. I think Ruth should come to our family reunion. But then you will have to give her some advice about how wild our family reunions are!
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