DENIAL

Denial is the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.

The day J died I walked through the door marked DENIAL in big bold letters. It was safe there. Easier to hang out in that room than deal with my reality that I was now a single mom of 2 kids under the age of 5. I hung out there for a good month and a half before I was brought to my knees from the pain and the reality I was forced to face. December 17, 2008. I will never forget that night. I hadn't cried that much ever. Especially after J had died. The pain was so overwhelming. So hard to deal with. I hated being alone. I hated being a single mom. I hated going through J's stuff and seeing the little things that he had thought of ahead of time because he knew he'd be sick and in the hospital. See J wasn't one to think ahead like that. He usually was a last minute kind of guy. I was already struggling with everything when I found the anniversary card he had bought just days after his birthday. 3 months before it was even going to be our 10 year anniversary. I finally fell to my knees no longer able to handle the heartache. I was running full speed out of that room that had the sign on the door DENIAL. I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I knew I needed to face my reality no matter how harsh or unfair I thought it was. Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about how far I've come since that day. The day I stepped out of that foggy room and into the real world where things were becoming more black and white everyday. But, at the same time I find myself looking at pictures of J and the kids together and I hear that knocking on the door. The DENIAL door. Beckoning me to come back in and hide out where its safe. No one to judge you for the decisions you've made. No one to tell you what you should or shouldn't do or how you should feel or where you should be in your grieving process. And I think how easy it would be to just turn the knob and walk back thru. Pretend like it was just a bad dream. That it didn't happen. But, then I snap myself back to reality and despite everything that has happened to me over the past 5.5 months I can truly say I'm happy that I broke out of that room. Walked out and never went back. I'm so much happier. A strong determined soul. And even though that DENIAL door looks so tempting I can't ever bring myself to turn that handle again. I don't want to. Its hard to admit things about yourself. That you are weak at times. But I think that's the first step in walking out that door, out of that room that I had shut myself in, and being able to recognize it now that its still there in the shadows lurking is a huge step away from it as well. All this is part of my past but without it I wouldn't be able to grow. See things in a different light. Be accepting of my weaknesses and recognizing them. Because all too often its easier to walk through that door and never look back. Be safe. But, I don't want to be in that room... EVER again. And to me that tells me I've come a long way despite what other people may think or feel, cause I refuse to walk thru that door of DENIAL ever again.