Days Like Today

Days like today are hard. Actually most Sundays are hard for one reason or another. Sometimes its just getting the kids ready for church cause they just want to constantly fight me or each other. Feeling that failure as a mother. Not being able to keep my kids in check, in line. Maybe I'm fooling myself that I actually had some sort of control before J passed away. Maybe I never did. Who knows. Trying to figure that all out. Not sure if I ever will. Today I feel drained. I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel heartache. I think I know how to fix things but I seem to just make things worse. Try to tell myself that I'm doing the best that I can do... but am I really? Probably not. Probably why I feel the way I do. I was spoiled with J around always there to help me out with stuff and pretty much take care of everything. I think I lived a sheltered life. No, I know I lived a sheltered life. Welcome to the real world... Slap up side the head. I haven't a clue to as what I'm doing. 5 months and I still can't figure it all out. I'm proud of what I have accomplished which may not seem like much to most but being able to get my kids on some sort of bedtime schedule is a huge deal to me. Taking my car to get the oil changed or just driving to another city an hour away even if I get lost sometimes is a HUGE step for me. And yet I still feel like I have so much farther to go. All I know is I'm trying my hardest. But, I'm sure people don't see it that way. And that's ok. I have my days that are hard emotionally, physically and I tried to just hide that. I admit that today I just feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Missing J and feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job. Feeling like I have so much stuff to fix or change or improve on when it comes to myself. All I know is I can only take one step forward at a time. I'm tired of this roller coaster. I HATE roller coasters. I want it to stop so I can get off. I know this is all part of the process but I'm really tired of the process. Life does continue to get better everyday. Somethings become easier with time and practice. Just gotta keep my head up and keep plugging away. Someday I will have it all together but until then we may not have it all together but together we have it all. I have my kids and that means the world to me.