A year ago I never thought I'd be where I am today... Never thought that my life would be so drastically different from what I had been living for the past 9.5 years. A year ago is when our lives started to change. J started to have really bad back pain and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. We thought maybe he had just pulled a muscle in his back. It would come and go every couple of weeks. Finally after the second time it came back and he just couldn't even move he decided to go to the doctor to try and figure out what it could be. Test after test and no diagnoses until August 8, 2008. That day will forever stick in my mind. That day forever changed our lives... changed how we thought, how we lived, the decisions we made. It has been an uphill battle for me for the past 8 months. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Not sure if this is really my life. Time seems to be flying past and yet the pain is still raw at times. I never know what will make me cry. I do know that I can't handle any movie where someone dies. That memory of being there with J as he passed on is too raw for me. Too painful. I don't think it will ever go away. Maybe I don't
want it to go away. Keeps me pushing forward. Because I did tell J that I would be ok and I am ok. I'm better than ok. I'm making that climb up the mountain. I know there will always be another mountain to climb but just like the song by Miley Cyrus (The Climb) its not about whats waiting on the other side but the climb... what have I learned from the past 8 months? The past year? I've learned to love more, love again and not to take for granted the little things in life and so much more. Sometimes my kids frustrate me to no end but at the end of the day I'm grateful for what I have been blessed with. I'm grateful for the hardships I've endured and continue to endure. I'm trying to learn from any battle I face and accept the fact that I may loose sometimes. But tomorrow is a new day and a new go at it. I try to not to let my faith falter... A lot of times that's all I have to go on is faith... faith that things will work out in the darkest of days. With out faith I know I'd constantly loose every battle I face and I wouldn't be so blessed. There are days I will just sit and look back at these mountains that have been put before me to climb and I wonder how I ever made it over certain mountains but I did and I grew so much from each climb I made. So even though just 8 short sometimes long months have past and maybe the hardest climb of my life has past me or is getting to that point I need to remember to keep strong and keep pushing on. That every struggle I face isn't about just getting to the otherside its about the climb and learning and growing from that. Life is good and I'm truly blessed....
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2 comments:
That is a darling picture! I think you've got everything in a great perspective. Just think of the refiner's fire you've been through, and how that helps your outlook. I love your post!
You know without any faith what so ever, no one can be anything that God intends us to be! probably most would be pretty lost out there!
I know that we are supposed to Thank God for the hardships in our life cuz they are a learning experience to be ever more so grateful for life! It sometimes doesn't make any sense at all but, it is the right way.
You are doing just so well, probably so much better then I would be in your situation. You are so strong like myself but, losing is so very tough and I never can imagine that part!
But, women over all are strong, we bear children and we are like the caretakers of the family! I see so many, many widows and see things they do from holding their husband boxer shorts, or smelling the sheets for their spouses scent and that is perfectly ok.
I know some judge so much but, when the grieving period is in full force you do what you have to do, to help yourself! There is no time frame to feel the best while you cope as no one completely heals this loss.
hang in there and you're doing great!
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