Reality Stinks

I don't know where to begin... I feel exhausted. I'm just trying to keep the kids lives as normal as possible. I think it helps to take and pick C up from school just so he knows that I'm there for him and that life is trying to stay as normal as possible. I'm just trying to keep life upbeat as best as I can, going to the gym every morning and coming home and keeping routine is all I can do right now without totally feeling like my world is crashing down all around me. J's doctor said today was the day the kids needed to see their dad because after chemo starts they may be restricted from seeing him because of the drugs. C seems to be doing ok with the fact that his dad is gone. He does ask if his back is better but seems to be hanging in there. K however, has problems at night sleeping. She cries whenever I walk towards the crib and after a family prayer on the phone she (which she asked for) she seemed to be ok with the fact that daddy wasn't home and went to sleep and slept all night. C has wanted to sleep with me and that's ok given the circumstances. I guess its his way of knowing that I'm ok at night and doesn't have to wake up and feel scared. Although it is only day 3 it seems as though its been 20. I'm not even really sure what day it is anymore. I'm sure J feels the same way after all the poking and prodding they did to him yesterday. They just took him back for his MRI to see what is causing his sciatica pain. I think that is the worst part of it all. That constant pain for him and being given pain meds all the time for it keeps him out of it at times. He is really going to need visitors over the next couple of days just to help keep him from being bored out of his mind so please don't hesitate to contact us and see if he is up for a visitor. He'd love it. This all seems like a bad dream that I can't wake from. I woke up from a dream this morning where it seemed so real that we were all together as a family just doing everyday stuff that we all seem to take for granted until that's taken away in a matter of minuets. Nothing every prepares you for this. There isn't a guide book on what to expect or what is going to all happen because every case is different. I'm just going to keep taking it one day at a time and I know things will get better. The doctor came in and spoke to J and told him that he wasn't starting chemo until the pathologist has looked at the lymph node they took out yesterday which could take anywhere from 2 -4 days. I'm really hoping that they can start tomorrow just so J can come home and be home for C's b-day next week. We will see. Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts.