Sending Balloons to Heaven

2 weeks have almost past since J's Birthday. That day was a hard day for me. Seemed like all I did was cry. Any little thought could set me off and I felt like a complete mess. It was hard to think of what things were like just a year ago. Remembering what J's birthday was like that year and how happy he was despite the fact that he knew in just 13 short days he'd be in the hospital to start the stem cell treatments. I think part of him was just excited to get it done and beat and to get it all over with. I think back and see what a whirlwind of a life I've lived since Oct. 7th of 2008. How much my life changed, and continues to change. After C got out of school we went and each kid picked out a balloon to send up to heaven for J. C picked a yellow smiley face
& K a balloon that said Happy Birthday. The kids then wrote their names on pieces of paper that I tied to each of their balloons. C only wanted to write his name. That way his dad would know that balloon was from him. K scribbled something that I'm sure J would completely understand. They always had a special bond and always will. I had each kid let their balloon go one at a time so we could watch them disappear into the sky. It didn't take long before we could no longer see them. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I seemed to have gotten most of it out of my system. It was more of a happy feeling to watch the kids let their balloons go and see how excited especially C was to be able to do that since he had been wondering how J would get his presents being up in heaven. I still struggle with that. Its hard to explain that to a 6 year old. Everything seems to be black and white to them at that age and yet things can be complicated to me and he see it so clearly. I think the best gift J gets is that he sees his kids everyday. He sees that we are living our lives and moving forward. That life is good. He sees how inquisitive C is and how much K is growing and coming along. That she loves to dance to her own rhythm and sometimes I think she does it just for J. Later that night we went to J's parents house to celebrate the life he lived. Everyone was given a yellow balloon and those that wanted to say something about J did so and let their balloon go. Others just let their balloons go in his memory. It was good for everyone. Helped in the healing process. C & K got to blow out the candles on the cake. We had brought mugs that J had collected from various places and let family pick out a mug to keep in his memory along with his sticker I had made for the funeral to place on the bottom of the mugs to remember him by. Despite the heartache and the tears, October 7, 2009 was a good day. A good day to remember J and the life he lived and to remember to always "Shake it Up".

Come Help Us Celebrate

With J's birthday quickly approaching we wanted to hold a celebration of his life on his birthday. Everyone wishing to help celebrate his life is more than welcome. (Let me know if you need directions.) iwearyellow@gmail.com

Shaping Who I Am....

Its strange to think in just a matter of days 11 months will have gone by and I find myself wondering how I'm going to feel when that day comes. Oct 29th... Am I going to be reliving everything that I went through up till the day he passed away? Will all those emotions come flooding back? Will I be as strong as I was a year ago? Or will I be stronger? I've been looking back at pictures from last year's October & looking at the pictures from the last day we all spent together as a family. It wasn't anything super special. It was a Sunday the day before J was to go into the hospital for his stem cell treatment. We carved a pumpkin with the kids & went trick or treating with his nieces & nephews around his parents neighborhood. His mom had set that up so J could see his kids trick or treat since he'd be in the hospital. We had no idea what lay ahead of us. We seemed to be happy go lucky... With the attitude that J always kept up " let's just get this done & beat". I think that helped both of us to be strong. Knowing that this trial of cancer would be short lived & life would go on. I remember that night after the kids got to bed J staying up late to make sure I'd have everything I'd need to run the house on my own. Passwords to accounts, my computer backed up, photos backed up & saved & he even had a Halloween card for the kids. At the time I really didn't think much of it. I kept telling him that he needed to get to bed & get his rest but he'd insist that he just had one more thing he had to do. He didn't want to leave me without having done certain things. I'm grateful that he had that insight to do what he did. Those 11 days he spent in the hospital were some of the hardest, saddest but there where happy moments too like when he got his stem cells back. I can still hear his voice & remember how he acted when they drugged him in order to give him back his cells. It still makes me smile. Its hard to think that just a few days later I got that c dreaded phone call that flipped our lives upside down. I've spent so much time lately thinking about how I felt, how I coped with things just weeks & months after his passing. Remembering the loneliness I felt. No matter how many people are around you, you still feel like you are walking in a fog. This isn't your reality & any day you are gonna get a call from him telling you he's all better & come pick him up at the hospital. But you never get that call & the days pass & things slowly get easier. You start to heal. You get stronger with every breath you take every step you take even if you take two steps backwards. 11 months passes & you start to look back at those pictures & remember those memories & I feel like its a different girl. My kids look so little, so fragile. I feel like I'm peeking in on someone else's life and in a way I am. Almost like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon ready or not but out facing the world. Just trying to make it one day at a time & finding other trials along the way that form & shape who I am.... Who I am becoming. Seeing my kids grow & thrive & seeing them happy & oh so grown up. That's been my blessing from all of this. Seeing that they are still happy despite what they lost. And they may have lost oh so much more than I did but they don't ever forget how much J still loves them. At the beginning I didn't want to look forward to where my life might go but now I can't wait to see where life takes us... Knowing that no matter where it takes us J is still there by our sides watching over us & guiding us to where we should be headed. I realize that if I get weak if I start to feel like I can't make it through anything J & my angel will be there by my side to lift me up & I have nothing to fear.

Heartache, Pain and Growth That Comes With It

I'm sitting here watching the cursor blink, not really knowing what to write. Feeling so many emotions. Feeling heartache for someone I've never even met. Never even heard her story. And feeling that flood of emotion that I'm sure she's experiencing right now. Remembering the day J passed away and realizing that I never really wrote my story down about the day J passed away. Something that I need for my kids to be able to read someday. Strange how even though almost 10 months have passed, I can bring back that day like it happened just minutes ago. Those thoughts and memories, feelings and heartache brought to the surface so quickly, so fresh. Wed.,October 29, 2008: I got a call around 11am as I was getting ready to head out the door to drop K at the babysitters and C off at school to head out to see J, the nurse at the hospital telling me that I needed to get to the hospital and then click... phone disconnected... I tried desperately to find the number of the hospital to call back and find out what was going on. My cell phone rang and it was the doctor telling me that something has happened to J. I need to get to the hospital asap. I remember getting in my car meeting my mom and handing off the kids to her. I was only a couple of blocks from the hospital when I rear ended someone. I remember all of a sudden my body and my spirit just separating and feeling like I was snapped back into my body when I hit the other car. No one was hurt but that cost me an extra hr before I made it to the hospital. Being put in a little room... the doctor telling J's parents and I that J had aspirated and coded. That they weren't sure how long he had been down. Maybe 5 to 20 min. A glimmer of hope? Maybe he'd be ok. He would survive and come out of it. I remember going back and forth to the bathroom to cry. Not wanting anyone to see me sob. Praying and asking that he'd be ok that I needed him, that we needed him. But I'd always end with... I'll understand. I still don't know why to this day that I'd say that. But every time it was the same. I'll understand. Thurs., October 30, 2008: I don't remember much from this day... not a lot happened but I do remember that by the end of that night I KNEW that this was it. Just a matter of time before J would be gone from this earth. I could tell when I'd be in his room when his spirit was there and when it was gone. It seemed to come and go as frequently as me or any other visitor would. I told him that night that I'd be ok. The kids would be ok and that it was ok if he had to go. Fri.,October 31, 2008: I got up that morning and went down to the hospital. They were to test J's brain waves and such and have the results soon. Still a strong heart beat but they said the meds that they were giving him were what was probably causing the brain activity and they'd do one last test Saturday morning. I spent the night at the hospital so that I could be by J one last time. Maybe part of me knew that, that would be the last night we'd spend together, I remember the hope I felt when he'd make those small movements from my cold hands touching his hand and how much he HATED when I had cold hands. That was the last glimmer of hope that I had Friday night as I drifted off to a dreamless sleep. I remember as I closed my eyes that everything was white. I'd wake up every so often as the nurses came in to check on J and I drift back off into my white state of sleep. Sat.,November 1, 2008: that morning I woke up waiting for the doctors to come in with the test results of his brain scan. I remember them taking me, my parents and J's parents into a room and sitting us down. The doctors never looking at me or talking to me directly. Always directing everything to my parents or J's parents. One doctor saying we needed to make a decision. That there was nothing more they could do for him, that it was probably his time to go. They would wait for me to let them know what I wanted to do. It was probably the hardest decision and yet the easiest decision for me to make in my whole life. J never wanted to be a vegetable and here he was not being able to live the life he wanted to live. I told everyone that if they wanted to say good bye they needed to do it that day. I knew that by the afternoon came it would be time for J to leave his earthly life behind. I remember asking the nurse if it was ok for the kids to come say goodbye to their dad. Up until this point they weren't even allowed to come on the floor and could only see their dad via web cam. I felt my heart break as I knew I'd have to let my kids see their dad one last time with tubes down his throat when just 11 days prior they saw him walk out the door somewhat healthy in their minds. Once everyone that wanted to say goodbye had come or called I took just the kids and I into J's room and sat down with them on my lap trying to hold back the tears as I explained to this 5 yr old boy that his daddy was about to go to heaven and live with Heavenly Father and Jesus. He looked at me with sad eyes and said "But then we won't be a family of 4 any more just a family of 3" I told him "No, we will always be a family of 4, That will never change. He may not live with us anymore but he will always be a apart of our family. " We sat there quiet for a few minutes and I asked C if he wanted to sing to his dad. He told me yes and I sat there with tears in my eyes as this sweet little boy sang I am A Child of God to his dad. The spirit in the room growing strong. I had the kids say good bye and my heart broke as K reached up and placed the angel bear that her dad had given her in his lap and turned to walk away. They kissed their dad goodbye and I sent them home with J's cousin. The time came and friends and family gathered in the room. The nurse came in and took out the tubes. I stood by J's side and looked at him and he opened his eyes and turned his head from right to left and stopped when he saw me. I thought you've got to be kidding me... but quickly his heart rate began to drop and I knew. I couldn't watch much more as the color drained from his face and my mom leaned over to me and said I needed to tell him goodbye. I told her I already had on Thurs and I couldn't do it again. She said I needed to let him know again. I held his hand as I stared at the bed and said I love you... we will be ok. Its ok to go. And he was gone. Just like that his spirit was gone. I bawled. I had just lost my best friend. This wasn't happening. It didn't happen. And yet I was still at peace. I'm still at peace to this day. I'm forever grateful for J and the blessing he gave me a year ago that still continues to bless my life. The blessing of peace and that I'd be able to handle everything that I'd need to handle. I've grown so much from this experience. Learned from my trials and seen the blessings that have come from them. I don't question WHY? Its not my place to. I know Heavenly Father has answers for me and when the time is right I will know WHY. But for now I'm at peace with where my life has been and where it is going. I'm healthy, happy and extremely blessed and I couldn't ask for more. I believe Heavenly Father needs these young spirits up there because the fight is getting tougher and he needs his best. J is one of his BEST.

August 11, 2008: The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

The waiting over, the last bit of hope drained from my very soul. Hearing the dreaded 6 letter word CANCER... my life, our lives, your lives changed in an instant. You can't deny it anymore. That word has been said. Shock, dismay, fear, courage, the fighter, hope. So many thoughts, feelings, fears going through my mind. Having to face my biggest fear just less than 3 months later... can't describe that feeling but it never goes away. That fear continues to live with me that anyone I know & love could be taken away from me in an instant. I don't know if remembering dates especially these certain ones is a blessing or a curse. Part of the fighter in me I guess. I can't pretend that my life, our lives, your lives weren't effected by CANCER. Maybe that's why I can't pass up anyone asking for donations to find a cure. I don't want anyone else to experience that heart ache I've felt and even still do when C asks if we can do something for his dad knowing its just not possible. C's birthday is coming up in the next week and I know one of the things that would make his day is if we could collect any spare change you have to donate to Cancer research so that someone else's dad doesn't have to go through what J did. That his son or daughter doesn't have to celebrate his birthday with their dad in the hospital. You'd be amazed at how fast a little spare change adds up. (Watch this video of C again from last year... If he can give up all his spare change and any money he had so can you.) If you'd like to donate your spare change please get a hold of me at iwearyellow (at)gmail(dot)com. Or donate here. Thank you... every little bit helps.

I Will Get You Help...

As the 9th month approaches since J's passing I've been thinking of some of the last things he and I talked about before that day that I got the call that forever changed my life. I don't know why I can remember dates so vividly but I do. I find that I never forget certain dates. Sunday October 26, 2008... I remember it was late. My brother and I went to visit J. I had had one of those harder days. I was struggling. I was feeling like I was getting no help. I felt sorry for myself. Sorry for the situation I was in. I remember those feelings so vividly. I remember taking a walk with J around the hospital floor where he was allowed to walk. I remember crying to him because I felt like I couldn't keep going on. Just before I left that night he hugged me good bye and said to me... "If you don't get help by Wednesday I will get help for you." I really didn't know what he meant by those words. But as the months have passed I have seen first hand in my life the help that J was talking about. Maybe he knew to some degree that his time here on earth was short but he never let anyone know that. He knew in his heart that he would get me help... J coded October 29th, 2008... that Wednesday that he told me he'd get me help. Help came in so many different ways... comfort, prayers,... and then he sent me the help that I really needed... my angel, he sent him my way. Someone to listen to me when I didn't want to talk to anyone else. Some one's shoulder to cry on. Someone to lift me up and carry me when I couldn't walk any more. J knew exactly what kind of help I really needed and never left my side from day one. He made sure that certain things fell into place so that I would get the help that I needed. That my kids and I would be taken care of. So as I sit here tonight and think about all the ways he's sent me help over the past 9 months I can't help but feel overwhelmed by his love for his family. That he'd move Heaven and Earth for us, especially me to send me the help that I needed so desperately. Especially when he couldn't be the one to be here for me. He sent me someone to do his part. Take care of me and those he left behind. I will be forever grateful to J for getting me help even if that meant he had to leave this earth and take care of things on the other side. I'm grateful for my angel and his help that has helped me get through this trial in my life. Without my angel I would be lost. I am grateful to J for guiding my angel to me and for continuing to guide us and help us all.

What If?

What if people weren't so judgemental? What if people didn't scrutinize other people's lives... watch their every move? What if they let them live their lives and not think to themselves (and some outloud) how they'd live their life differently if put in that situation? What if you could live your life without the worry of doing something the wrong way? What if you could live a happy life without everyone feeling as though you've wronged them... wronged J? What if people could just appreciate you for you... who you are as a person? Accept you for your strengths and your weaknesses and not judge you on any decision you make? What if J and I had made different decisons about his treatment of his cancer? What if we hadn't gone through with the stem cell? What if J hadn't died? I could sit here all day and say what if? But the truth of the matter is I can't answer any of these questions. The what if's of life. I had a dream about a week or so ago about me sitting down with a man and his wife and telling my story of J from start to finish. When I woke up from the dream I had all these what if's? in my head. I think all too often when something happens to us we sit back and think what if? What if things had happened different? What if I had done this different? Would the outcome be different completely or just slightly? Would it make a difference? I believe we all have a destiny... a chosen purpose on this life and even though we are free to make our own choices that there are just somethings that God over rides. He knows us better than anyone else. He knows what is best for us... where our lives need to head. There have been so many what if's since J died but I know Heavenly Father has pushed, prodded, shown me the way where I needed to be despite all the what if's that run through my head. I think most people sit back when something happens and think Why? I've never questioned why I've been given these trials. Just the what if's seem to run through my mind. I guess what it comes down to is I need to move past the what if's and wondering and just live my life in the here and now. I can't focus on the what if's in life... even the what if's of today of the little decisions I make. Or even the choices my own kids make. Life is life. It happens. Life can't be rewound so why spend the time on the what if's? Come what may and embrace it... continue to move forward...and most importantly enjoy the ride...

The Climb

(this photo was taken of K & J during on of the times he was having back pain)
A year ago I never thought I'd be where I am today... Never thought that my life would be so drastically different from what I had been living for the past 9.5 years. A year ago is when our lives started to change. J started to have really bad back pain and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. We thought maybe he had just pulled a muscle in his back. It would come and go every couple of weeks. Finally after the second time it came back and he just couldn't even move he decided to go to the doctor to try and figure out what it could be. Test after test and no diagnoses until August 8, 2008. That day will forever stick in my mind. That day forever changed our lives... changed how we thought, how we lived, the decisions we made. It has been an uphill battle for me for the past 8 months. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Not sure if this is really my life. Time seems to be flying past and yet the pain is still raw at times. I never know what will make me cry. I do know that I can't handle any movie where someone dies. That memory of being there with J as he passed on is too raw for me. Too painful. I don't think it will ever go away. Maybe I don't
want it to go away. Keeps me pushing forward. Because I did tell J that I would be ok and I am ok. I'm better than ok. I'm making that climb up the mountain. I know there will always be another mountain to climb but just like the song by Miley Cyrus (The Climb) its not about whats waiting on the other side but the climb... what have I learned from the past 8 months? The past year? I've learned to love more, love again and not to take for granted the little things in life and so much more. Sometimes my kids frustrate me to no end but at the end of the day I'm grateful for what I have been blessed with. I'm grateful for the hardships I've endured and continue to endure. I'm trying to learn from any battle I face and accept the fact that I may loose sometimes. But tomorrow is a new day and a new go at it. I try to not to let my faith falter... A lot of times that's all I have to go on is faith... faith that things will work out in the darkest of days. With out faith I know I'd constantly loose every battle I face and I wouldn't be so blessed. There are days I will just sit and look back at these mountains that have been put before me to climb and I wonder how I ever made it over certain mountains but I did and I grew so much from each climb I made. So even though just 8 short sometimes long months have past and maybe the hardest climb of my life has past me or is getting to that point I need to remember to keep strong and keep pushing on. That every struggle I face isn't about just getting to the otherside its about the climb and learning and growing from that. Life is good and I'm truly blessed....

Jumping In Feet First

They say you should always jump into water feet first. Especially water that you can't see the bottom to. There could be rocks at the bottom that you can't see. I feel like I've done just that... jumped in feet first, sorta tested the waters to see if it was safe. Now I know how to swim, its just how long can someone stay afloat with out the assistance of a life jacket or some other life saving device? Sometimes I've felt like I was about to drown, go under, other days I felt like I was floating... wearing that life jacket that would save my life. Another month has past. Hard to believe. 7 months. Not sure where the time has gone. Sometimes feeling like the current is rushing, pushing me forward, other times the current is slow, as I drift along. There have been things that I gave up after J died. I don't think I realized some of them until I actually started to do them again and had someone point them out to me or I realized it on my own. I never really realized that I sing whenever or where ever when I'm truly happy. Before J died I'd hear C all the time tell me to stop singing. Now I don't think I sing bad but I think the kid just didn't want to hear his mom more than neccesary...hahaha. I gave that up when J died. A few weeks ago I was caught singing in my room. I was startled, not expecting anyone to find me or hear me for that matter. He told me he could tell I was happy... when I asked him why he said cause you are singing and I've never heard you just sing like that before. It was then that I felt myself coming back to being me. Finding joy, happiness in the little things that I had unintentionally given up. I found my life jacket. The thing that will keep my head above water, and save me. Life is too short to NOT be happy. 7 months, long, short. My head bobbing up and down and at times feeling like I might drown, give up and not be able to go on. I'm not the type of person though to give up without some sort of fight. Neither was J. I watch the kids continue to grow, kids seem to always have their life jackets on. Can find happiness in the little things despite the grown up things they've faced in their short little lives. They are thriving. Happier than ever. C talks about J and remembers the little things and that makes me happy. K dances... all the time. And all though she probably doesn't remember a whole lot about J I think sometimes she just starts dancing just for J, music or not. Me and the kids have been truly blessed with the best of life jackets... J's been looking out for us. Sending us who and what we need when we truly need it most. He hasn't forgotten us and we haven't forgotten him. Its been a rough current at times, and I feel like the water is just starting to calm down. This doesn't mean that I will take off my life jacket. Oh no, J sent me that just in time. That's his special gift to me and I will be forever grateful for that.

I Miss My Dad

(this is one of C's favorite pics of him and J... this was taken just after J started his
first round of chemo when he was diagnosed the first time with cancer. C was just 3 yrs old.)

I wasn't expecting what happened tonight to happen. I wasn't expecting to have C look at me as I sat there beside his bed telling him everyone who loved him and seeing tears roll down those cheeks of his when I said his dad loved him. I tried to push back the tears welling up in my own eyes. I didn't want to upset C more by him seeing me cry. He told me he missed his dad... Now I've heard this before but usually it was because he wanted to stay up. This time I knew he really meant it. My heart ached. I started to pray that J would be by C's side tonight. He needs that. He needs to be able to feel his dad's presence. I asked C if there was someone he wanted to talk to and then was able to get him on the phone. I listened to the one sided conversation and knew that C was being asked what he missed about his dad. He replied I miss playing Lego Indiana Jones with him... he was really good at it, we are both really good at it. I couldn't do anything but sit there and continue to listen to his conversation and cry, remembering all those nights that J and I would play that game just so C could watch us. It was one of his favorite things to do. I listened as C continued to talk about J and what a good hider he was when it came to hide n' seek games and listened to C's voice start to become happy again as he remembered those couple of memories of his dad. It breaks my heart to see that sweet little boy cry and for the first time really miss his dad. I know this is the first of many times that he'll break down in tears, I just pray that he'll always be able to remember those special things about his dad. That J will be able to whisper in his ear when he seems to have trouble remembering and when he needs it most will be able to feel those arms wrapped around him and know that his dad is right there beside him. I have no doubt that J will be right there.

I'm the Lucky One

Tomorrow marks 6 months that have passed. Seems like a strange dream. An altered reality. I think back to 6 months ago when there were days I thought I'd never be happy again. Find happiness again. Be doomed to live life as a single mom & I didn't want that. There were nights that I'd cry and pray that J would just come and take care of the kids, lull them to sleep because I just couldn't do it anymore. Night time was the hardest part of the day. I'd watch the clock & the days seemed so long. Now I find my self glimpsing at the calendar to see what day it is and wonder where the time has gone. Those first 3 months seemed to go by so slow. The agonizing days. Time seeming to stand still. Grief & sadness holding me back. Me trying to fight my reality... Accept my reality. Finally I broke free from the binds of time that were holding me back. I allowed myself to be happy again. Allowed that girl that was buried beneath everything every pain, every hurt, every denial to break back out slowly but surely. I still cry from time to time. Especially when I look at pictures of J & the kids that are hanging in their rooms. That may always be hard for me. I don't know. Its a strange feeling looking at those pictures. I can almost feel him there next to me smiling and putting his arm around me. Whispering in my ear and telling me he's proud of me. That he's happy to see me happy & that I'm finding the girl inside of me that he had fallen in love with all those years ago...and to me I feel lucky... lucky to have someone like that up there in heaven watching over me and my kids... and lucky to have found true happiness again, someone to make me smile and always be by my side and someone watching over me always up there in heaven. Yes I'm the lucky one.

DENIAL

Denial is the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.

The day J died I walked through the door marked DENIAL in big bold letters. It was safe there. Easier to hang out in that room than deal with my reality that I was now a single mom of 2 kids under the age of 5. I hung out there for a good month and a half before I was brought to my knees from the pain and the reality I was forced to face. December 17, 2008. I will never forget that night. I hadn't cried that much ever. Especially after J had died. The pain was so overwhelming. So hard to deal with. I hated being alone. I hated being a single mom. I hated going through J's stuff and seeing the little things that he had thought of ahead of time because he knew he'd be sick and in the hospital. See J wasn't one to think ahead like that. He usually was a last minute kind of guy. I was already struggling with everything when I found the anniversary card he had bought just days after his birthday. 3 months before it was even going to be our 10 year anniversary. I finally fell to my knees no longer able to handle the heartache. I was running full speed out of that room that had the sign on the door DENIAL. I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I knew I needed to face my reality no matter how harsh or unfair I thought it was. Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about how far I've come since that day. The day I stepped out of that foggy room and into the real world where things were becoming more black and white everyday. But, at the same time I find myself looking at pictures of J and the kids together and I hear that knocking on the door. The DENIAL door. Beckoning me to come back in and hide out where its safe. No one to judge you for the decisions you've made. No one to tell you what you should or shouldn't do or how you should feel or where you should be in your grieving process. And I think how easy it would be to just turn the knob and walk back thru. Pretend like it was just a bad dream. That it didn't happen. But, then I snap myself back to reality and despite everything that has happened to me over the past 5.5 months I can truly say I'm happy that I broke out of that room. Walked out and never went back. I'm so much happier. A strong determined soul. And even though that DENIAL door looks so tempting I can't ever bring myself to turn that handle again. I don't want to. Its hard to admit things about yourself. That you are weak at times. But I think that's the first step in walking out that door, out of that room that I had shut myself in, and being able to recognize it now that its still there in the shadows lurking is a huge step away from it as well. All this is part of my past but without it I wouldn't be able to grow. See things in a different light. Be accepting of my weaknesses and recognizing them. Because all too often its easier to walk through that door and never look back. Be safe. But, I don't want to be in that room... EVER again. And to me that tells me I've come a long way despite what other people may think or feel, cause I refuse to walk thru that door of DENIAL ever again.

I Am A Survivor

Its just an hour or so before Relay for Life...I feel my past, present & my future colliding. No where to run. Can't hide from it this time. Have to face it head on whether I want to or not. This will be good for me. A chance to face my fear of breaking down at any given moment. That fear has gone away for the most part but its still there. And going to do something like this makes me stop for a min and think about my life. Where its been where its headed. I start looking at the pictures of J and memories rush back. That feeling of wanting to be in denial so strong. That feeling of walking in a dream starts to cloud my mind. I feel J's presence. Almost like it never happened. But it did and that is my reality. This relay isn't just bout those who have survived cancer. I think for me its proving to myself that I am a survivor too. Maybe not a survivor of cancer but a survivor of this trial. I've made it this far and I can keep going. I believe J would be so proud of me. For facing this head on when so many times I've wanted to just give up because I felt life was getting too hard. I know J never would have given up so neither can I. He may not have been able to say he was a survivor but he can say without a doubt that he was a fighter and I've just got to carry on and be the survivor for him. I believe I can do that. I've had so much love, support and prayers sent my way, without it I wouldn't be surviving everyday so thank you and thank you to those who donated to the cause.

If Today Was Your Last Day

As I was driving to the cemetery this afternoon this song came on the radio: If Today Was Your Last Day, As I read the words to the song as I was listening to it later, I had such a peace come over me, wash over me. I started to wonder if today was my last day what would I change? Would I be happy with the life I am living? Would I continue to wait for people to tell me that it was ok to move forward? Would I fall in love again? Would I make my mark by mending a broken heart? Would I donate every dime I had? Forgive my enemies? Let anything stand in my way? Although life has thrown me a curve ball or two I am happy. I am living my life and trying to take it day by day. I sat next to J's grave for a while this afternoon thinking about this song. Wondering if he would have changed anything had he known when his last day was. I think all too often we get caught up in the mundane of everyday life and forget to live life to its fullest. Live like today was our last. Would you love more, hurt less, forgive, reminisce? Losing J has been really hard, my hardest trial yet, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. That Heavenly Father has a plan for us all and I need to live my life to the fullest. I know that's what J would want. He'd want me to live my life like I'll never live it twice. Say goodbye to the past, the hurt, the anger and just keep moving forward. Remember the good times and to remember that each day I get here on earth is a gift. Not my given right. I can't be afraid to live, to fight for what I believe in and for what I want. This trial has been a way for me not only grow as a person but a way for me to appreciate life and what I have in it. This trial is for me to realize I need to live my life like today is my last day...

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Relay For Life

On April 17th J's family and I will be doing Relay for Life. I am trying to raise as much money to donate as possible. Everyone will be touched by cancer in someway at sometime in their lifetime. Together we can make a difference. Help fight back against the disease. Please help us out by donating even if it is only the minimum of $5. Thank you in advance for your donations and for touching our lives for the good. Please click here to donate online. If you would like to donate some other way please contact me at iwearyellow (at) gmail (dot) com.

Relay For Life is the American Cancer Society’s signature activity. It offers everyone in a community an opportunity to participate in the fight against cancer. Teams of people camp out at a local high school, park, or fairground and take turns walking or running around a track or path. Each team is asked to have a representative on the track at all times during the event. Relays are an overnight event, up to 24 hours in length.

Relay For Life is a life-changing event that brings together more than 3.5 million people to:

• Celebrate the lives of those who have battled cancer. The strength of survivors inspires others to continue to fight.
• Remember loved ones lost to the disease. At Relay, people who have walked alongside people battling cancer can grieve and find healing.
• Fight Back. We Relay because we have been touched by cancer and desperately want to put an end to the disease.

For further information on the event, please visit RelayForLife.org.

Days Like Today

Days like today are hard. Actually most Sundays are hard for one reason or another. Sometimes its just getting the kids ready for church cause they just want to constantly fight me or each other. Feeling that failure as a mother. Not being able to keep my kids in check, in line. Maybe I'm fooling myself that I actually had some sort of control before J passed away. Maybe I never did. Who knows. Trying to figure that all out. Not sure if I ever will. Today I feel drained. I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel heartache. I think I know how to fix things but I seem to just make things worse. Try to tell myself that I'm doing the best that I can do... but am I really? Probably not. Probably why I feel the way I do. I was spoiled with J around always there to help me out with stuff and pretty much take care of everything. I think I lived a sheltered life. No, I know I lived a sheltered life. Welcome to the real world... Slap up side the head. I haven't a clue to as what I'm doing. 5 months and I still can't figure it all out. I'm proud of what I have accomplished which may not seem like much to most but being able to get my kids on some sort of bedtime schedule is a huge deal to me. Taking my car to get the oil changed or just driving to another city an hour away even if I get lost sometimes is a HUGE step for me. And yet I still feel like I have so much farther to go. All I know is I'm trying my hardest. But, I'm sure people don't see it that way. And that's ok. I have my days that are hard emotionally, physically and I tried to just hide that. I admit that today I just feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Missing J and feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job. Feeling like I have so much stuff to fix or change or improve on when it comes to myself. All I know is I can only take one step forward at a time. I'm tired of this roller coaster. I HATE roller coasters. I want it to stop so I can get off. I know this is all part of the process but I'm really tired of the process. Life does continue to get better everyday. Somethings become easier with time and practice. Just gotta keep my head up and keep plugging away. Someday I will have it all together but until then we may not have it all together but together we have it all. I have my kids and that means the world to me.

Wake Me Up When Today Ends

I woke up feeling just fine but somehow the day turned. Tears flow easily at the littlest thought. Although my days like this have become farther apart today has been different than any other day. Somehow I was shoved back to that day Oct. 29th. 11:15am. I got that dreaded call that no one hopes to get at anytime of their life. Come to the hospital now. My life was forever changed by those words. Today I ran into the house to do a simple task before heading out again and found myself in hysterical crying. No one to turn to. No one to hold me and just let me cry. Me trying to pull it together just so I could get back to my life, finish what I needed to do today. Trying to push aside those memories from that day. Remembering everything so vividly. Feeling that pain. Wanting the hurt to stop. I still feel it. Its raw like it happened just minutes ago. Remembering everything that was done, said, felt, heard. I don't know what it is, maybe it was because I thought that the 1st was quickly approaching and 5 months has past. 5 months without J by my side. 5 months without hearing his voice, seeing his face other than pictures, feeling his arms around me. Seeing how excited the kids would get when he'd come home from work. I'm left with this empty feeling inside. A loneliness. I try to get it out of my head, out of my heart but it will always be there to some degree. Watching C everyday become more and more like J can add to the heartache but at the same time brings me happiness. Being able to see J in C is one of the blessings that was left behind in J's passing. I try not to think about what me or the kids lost. Try to see the positive in all of it. Today is a bit harder. I just want to shake that feeling. Those memories. Those thoughts. Those senses from that day. I can't completely erase that memory. I don't know that I'd want to, because of what happened that day has forever changed me as a person. Made me who I am and who I am becoming. I can't wish that part away. Because of that day I am strong. I am me. I am human. I hurt. I cry. I laugh. I love. And life still goes on. Life is good. I'm happier than I have ever been since J's passing. Some days are easier than the next. But for today I want to be woken up when today ends. And that's ok. Its part of the loss. Part of the pain. Part of the healing process. And I know I will be ok. The hurt and the pain will subside, and life will once again start moving forward. I will continue to be happy and move forward. For the first time since J passed I don't feel like I'm taking two steps back when I have a day like this. I actually feel like I'm still moving forward. Just a little bit slower, but moving forward still. And that helps me smile a little. Knowing I'm healing and can actually feel that despite the day I'm having.

Amazing Generosity

I'm overwhelmed at the generosity of people. The goodness of people. I have been blessed by so many people who have sent us money. Some even anonymously. I received such a letter as I was rushing out the door yesterday afternoon. I swung by the mailbox to find a letter addresses to me with no return address. No name, nothing. I sat in the car and opened the envelope. As I saw this picture of K and J I started to get the chills... they continued as I read the note that was attached. As I opened the letter more I saw that this guy had sent me and my kids money. Although he feels it wasn't much I was overwhelmed. He too had testicular cancer and has a sweet family. I don't know who he is and he says he doesn't know who I am but he was told of my story by a friend and was touched. I am very grateful for what he did. He didn't have to, I know money is tight for everyone these days and I am just overwhelmed by that sweet gesture. (I'm still overwhelmed) I'm am so grateful to those who have sent money for the kids and I. There is nothing I can do or say but be thankful beyond belief. There are really good people in this world. I am and will be forever grateful to those who have sent money, said prayers, watched my kids, called me just to talk, and think about us on a daily basis. You have forever touched our lives. So Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

A Dream that Leaves Me with Peace

I awoke this morning from a vivid dream. A dream that was so real. A dream that gave me peace and comfort in my life. That the decisions I'm making are right and that J supports me in where my life is going. I dreamed that I was at my parents house. I was handed a card that J had written to me. In it said he would send me a companion , not someone to replace him but, someone to pick up where he left off. Take care of his legacy and carry it on. I remember crying in the dream because I felt as though that was truly heaven sent. Later on in the day I was out by my self and decided to head over to the cemetery as I drove I felt strongly that J was in the car with me. I got to the cemetery and got out and walked over to his grave. As I stood there talking to him I could feel his presence there standing next to me. I was filled with peace as I told him about what has been going on in my life. I knew the decisions I was making were right and he approved and was just confirming to me that he had a hand in who and what was making me happy. I got back into the car and I knew he was no longer with me. I missed that. I liked feeling his presence with me. It was what I needed. What I had been praying for. I know he knew that and Heavenly Father knew that. I haven't felt that close to J in a while and it meant so much to me. I know he's been around I just haven't paid attention or been looking for it. I've been blessed a lot in my life and I count this as another blessing that has been added to my life. I know J won't just up and leave because another guy steps into my life. He will stick around and help guide him as well.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Yesterday marked 4 months since J passed away. Its strange how I can forget about time... forget what day it is. Not remember the date all month along but the 1st comes and it hits me. I remember. I'm taken back to that day. I miss him. I feel like it was yesterday. But, the heartache isn't the same. I will always love him but this heart of mine is healing. I was in C's room putting stuff away and looked up at the pictures of J that I have hanging in his wall and I just started to cry. I miss J. I was crying because of the memories we had made together. I started to pray that J would be able to visit me tonight. That he'd come and let me know its ok to move on. That everything is ok. I know he would want me to move forward and fall in love again. I just want that reassurance. That peace that I already feel to some degree but need to feel it from him as well. So when you pray tonight pray that I will have that peace in my heart, in my home, for me and for my kids. Pray that J will visit me and let me know. I can look back and see over these past 4 months how far I've come. That I've learned to dance in the rain and not just weather the storm. I know time will continue to go by and I will continue to heal and start to find that love again in my life. And yet at times I can see how far I've come yet the wound still feels fresh as if yesterday. I know time will take that away but till then how do you take that sadness away? All I know to do is cry... let myself feel this way...let it all out. Let those bottled up emotions go. I feel like two different people at the same time. The first girl is crying because of what she's lost and the second girl is feeling so happy and alive because of where her life is going. How its changed. Both feeling opposite feelings. Feeling the happiness and the sadness at the same time. Its overwhelming... a struggle at times. But, all this is making me stronger, helping me heal & its ok. I will be ok. I'm happy...