I Miss My Dad

(this is one of C's favorite pics of him and J... this was taken just after J started his
first round of chemo when he was diagnosed the first time with cancer. C was just 3 yrs old.)

I wasn't expecting what happened tonight to happen. I wasn't expecting to have C look at me as I sat there beside his bed telling him everyone who loved him and seeing tears roll down those cheeks of his when I said his dad loved him. I tried to push back the tears welling up in my own eyes. I didn't want to upset C more by him seeing me cry. He told me he missed his dad... Now I've heard this before but usually it was because he wanted to stay up. This time I knew he really meant it. My heart ached. I started to pray that J would be by C's side tonight. He needs that. He needs to be able to feel his dad's presence. I asked C if there was someone he wanted to talk to and then was able to get him on the phone. I listened to the one sided conversation and knew that C was being asked what he missed about his dad. He replied I miss playing Lego Indiana Jones with him... he was really good at it, we are both really good at it. I couldn't do anything but sit there and continue to listen to his conversation and cry, remembering all those nights that J and I would play that game just so C could watch us. It was one of his favorite things to do. I listened as C continued to talk about J and what a good hider he was when it came to hide n' seek games and listened to C's voice start to become happy again as he remembered those couple of memories of his dad. It breaks my heart to see that sweet little boy cry and for the first time really miss his dad. I know this is the first of many times that he'll break down in tears, I just pray that he'll always be able to remember those special things about his dad. That J will be able to whisper in his ear when he seems to have trouble remembering and when he needs it most will be able to feel those arms wrapped around him and know that his dad is right there beside him. I have no doubt that J will be right there.

I'm the Lucky One

Tomorrow marks 6 months that have passed. Seems like a strange dream. An altered reality. I think back to 6 months ago when there were days I thought I'd never be happy again. Find happiness again. Be doomed to live life as a single mom & I didn't want that. There were nights that I'd cry and pray that J would just come and take care of the kids, lull them to sleep because I just couldn't do it anymore. Night time was the hardest part of the day. I'd watch the clock & the days seemed so long. Now I find my self glimpsing at the calendar to see what day it is and wonder where the time has gone. Those first 3 months seemed to go by so slow. The agonizing days. Time seeming to stand still. Grief & sadness holding me back. Me trying to fight my reality... Accept my reality. Finally I broke free from the binds of time that were holding me back. I allowed myself to be happy again. Allowed that girl that was buried beneath everything every pain, every hurt, every denial to break back out slowly but surely. I still cry from time to time. Especially when I look at pictures of J & the kids that are hanging in their rooms. That may always be hard for me. I don't know. Its a strange feeling looking at those pictures. I can almost feel him there next to me smiling and putting his arm around me. Whispering in my ear and telling me he's proud of me. That he's happy to see me happy & that I'm finding the girl inside of me that he had fallen in love with all those years ago...and to me I feel lucky... lucky to have someone like that up there in heaven watching over me and my kids... and lucky to have found true happiness again, someone to make me smile and always be by my side and someone watching over me always up there in heaven. Yes I'm the lucky one.

DENIAL

Denial is the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.

The day J died I walked through the door marked DENIAL in big bold letters. It was safe there. Easier to hang out in that room than deal with my reality that I was now a single mom of 2 kids under the age of 5. I hung out there for a good month and a half before I was brought to my knees from the pain and the reality I was forced to face. December 17, 2008. I will never forget that night. I hadn't cried that much ever. Especially after J had died. The pain was so overwhelming. So hard to deal with. I hated being alone. I hated being a single mom. I hated going through J's stuff and seeing the little things that he had thought of ahead of time because he knew he'd be sick and in the hospital. See J wasn't one to think ahead like that. He usually was a last minute kind of guy. I was already struggling with everything when I found the anniversary card he had bought just days after his birthday. 3 months before it was even going to be our 10 year anniversary. I finally fell to my knees no longer able to handle the heartache. I was running full speed out of that room that had the sign on the door DENIAL. I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I knew I needed to face my reality no matter how harsh or unfair I thought it was. Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about how far I've come since that day. The day I stepped out of that foggy room and into the real world where things were becoming more black and white everyday. But, at the same time I find myself looking at pictures of J and the kids together and I hear that knocking on the door. The DENIAL door. Beckoning me to come back in and hide out where its safe. No one to judge you for the decisions you've made. No one to tell you what you should or shouldn't do or how you should feel or where you should be in your grieving process. And I think how easy it would be to just turn the knob and walk back thru. Pretend like it was just a bad dream. That it didn't happen. But, then I snap myself back to reality and despite everything that has happened to me over the past 5.5 months I can truly say I'm happy that I broke out of that room. Walked out and never went back. I'm so much happier. A strong determined soul. And even though that DENIAL door looks so tempting I can't ever bring myself to turn that handle again. I don't want to. Its hard to admit things about yourself. That you are weak at times. But I think that's the first step in walking out that door, out of that room that I had shut myself in, and being able to recognize it now that its still there in the shadows lurking is a huge step away from it as well. All this is part of my past but without it I wouldn't be able to grow. See things in a different light. Be accepting of my weaknesses and recognizing them. Because all too often its easier to walk through that door and never look back. Be safe. But, I don't want to be in that room... EVER again. And to me that tells me I've come a long way despite what other people may think or feel, cause I refuse to walk thru that door of DENIAL ever again.

I Am A Survivor

Its just an hour or so before Relay for Life...I feel my past, present & my future colliding. No where to run. Can't hide from it this time. Have to face it head on whether I want to or not. This will be good for me. A chance to face my fear of breaking down at any given moment. That fear has gone away for the most part but its still there. And going to do something like this makes me stop for a min and think about my life. Where its been where its headed. I start looking at the pictures of J and memories rush back. That feeling of wanting to be in denial so strong. That feeling of walking in a dream starts to cloud my mind. I feel J's presence. Almost like it never happened. But it did and that is my reality. This relay isn't just bout those who have survived cancer. I think for me its proving to myself that I am a survivor too. Maybe not a survivor of cancer but a survivor of this trial. I've made it this far and I can keep going. I believe J would be so proud of me. For facing this head on when so many times I've wanted to just give up because I felt life was getting too hard. I know J never would have given up so neither can I. He may not have been able to say he was a survivor but he can say without a doubt that he was a fighter and I've just got to carry on and be the survivor for him. I believe I can do that. I've had so much love, support and prayers sent my way, without it I wouldn't be surviving everyday so thank you and thank you to those who donated to the cause.

If Today Was Your Last Day

As I was driving to the cemetery this afternoon this song came on the radio: If Today Was Your Last Day, As I read the words to the song as I was listening to it later, I had such a peace come over me, wash over me. I started to wonder if today was my last day what would I change? Would I be happy with the life I am living? Would I continue to wait for people to tell me that it was ok to move forward? Would I fall in love again? Would I make my mark by mending a broken heart? Would I donate every dime I had? Forgive my enemies? Let anything stand in my way? Although life has thrown me a curve ball or two I am happy. I am living my life and trying to take it day by day. I sat next to J's grave for a while this afternoon thinking about this song. Wondering if he would have changed anything had he known when his last day was. I think all too often we get caught up in the mundane of everyday life and forget to live life to its fullest. Live like today was our last. Would you love more, hurt less, forgive, reminisce? Losing J has been really hard, my hardest trial yet, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. That Heavenly Father has a plan for us all and I need to live my life to the fullest. I know that's what J would want. He'd want me to live my life like I'll never live it twice. Say goodbye to the past, the hurt, the anger and just keep moving forward. Remember the good times and to remember that each day I get here on earth is a gift. Not my given right. I can't be afraid to live, to fight for what I believe in and for what I want. This trial has been a way for me not only grow as a person but a way for me to appreciate life and what I have in it. This trial is for me to realize I need to live my life like today is my last day...

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Relay For Life

On April 17th J's family and I will be doing Relay for Life. I am trying to raise as much money to donate as possible. Everyone will be touched by cancer in someway at sometime in their lifetime. Together we can make a difference. Help fight back against the disease. Please help us out by donating even if it is only the minimum of $5. Thank you in advance for your donations and for touching our lives for the good. Please click here to donate online. If you would like to donate some other way please contact me at iwearyellow (at) gmail (dot) com.

Relay For Life is the American Cancer Society’s signature activity. It offers everyone in a community an opportunity to participate in the fight against cancer. Teams of people camp out at a local high school, park, or fairground and take turns walking or running around a track or path. Each team is asked to have a representative on the track at all times during the event. Relays are an overnight event, up to 24 hours in length.

Relay For Life is a life-changing event that brings together more than 3.5 million people to:

• Celebrate the lives of those who have battled cancer. The strength of survivors inspires others to continue to fight.
• Remember loved ones lost to the disease. At Relay, people who have walked alongside people battling cancer can grieve and find healing.
• Fight Back. We Relay because we have been touched by cancer and desperately want to put an end to the disease.

For further information on the event, please visit RelayForLife.org.

Days Like Today

Days like today are hard. Actually most Sundays are hard for one reason or another. Sometimes its just getting the kids ready for church cause they just want to constantly fight me or each other. Feeling that failure as a mother. Not being able to keep my kids in check, in line. Maybe I'm fooling myself that I actually had some sort of control before J passed away. Maybe I never did. Who knows. Trying to figure that all out. Not sure if I ever will. Today I feel drained. I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel heartache. I think I know how to fix things but I seem to just make things worse. Try to tell myself that I'm doing the best that I can do... but am I really? Probably not. Probably why I feel the way I do. I was spoiled with J around always there to help me out with stuff and pretty much take care of everything. I think I lived a sheltered life. No, I know I lived a sheltered life. Welcome to the real world... Slap up side the head. I haven't a clue to as what I'm doing. 5 months and I still can't figure it all out. I'm proud of what I have accomplished which may not seem like much to most but being able to get my kids on some sort of bedtime schedule is a huge deal to me. Taking my car to get the oil changed or just driving to another city an hour away even if I get lost sometimes is a HUGE step for me. And yet I still feel like I have so much farther to go. All I know is I'm trying my hardest. But, I'm sure people don't see it that way. And that's ok. I have my days that are hard emotionally, physically and I tried to just hide that. I admit that today I just feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Missing J and feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job. Feeling like I have so much stuff to fix or change or improve on when it comes to myself. All I know is I can only take one step forward at a time. I'm tired of this roller coaster. I HATE roller coasters. I want it to stop so I can get off. I know this is all part of the process but I'm really tired of the process. Life does continue to get better everyday. Somethings become easier with time and practice. Just gotta keep my head up and keep plugging away. Someday I will have it all together but until then we may not have it all together but together we have it all. I have my kids and that means the world to me.

Wake Me Up When Today Ends

I woke up feeling just fine but somehow the day turned. Tears flow easily at the littlest thought. Although my days like this have become farther apart today has been different than any other day. Somehow I was shoved back to that day Oct. 29th. 11:15am. I got that dreaded call that no one hopes to get at anytime of their life. Come to the hospital now. My life was forever changed by those words. Today I ran into the house to do a simple task before heading out again and found myself in hysterical crying. No one to turn to. No one to hold me and just let me cry. Me trying to pull it together just so I could get back to my life, finish what I needed to do today. Trying to push aside those memories from that day. Remembering everything so vividly. Feeling that pain. Wanting the hurt to stop. I still feel it. Its raw like it happened just minutes ago. Remembering everything that was done, said, felt, heard. I don't know what it is, maybe it was because I thought that the 1st was quickly approaching and 5 months has past. 5 months without J by my side. 5 months without hearing his voice, seeing his face other than pictures, feeling his arms around me. Seeing how excited the kids would get when he'd come home from work. I'm left with this empty feeling inside. A loneliness. I try to get it out of my head, out of my heart but it will always be there to some degree. Watching C everyday become more and more like J can add to the heartache but at the same time brings me happiness. Being able to see J in C is one of the blessings that was left behind in J's passing. I try not to think about what me or the kids lost. Try to see the positive in all of it. Today is a bit harder. I just want to shake that feeling. Those memories. Those thoughts. Those senses from that day. I can't completely erase that memory. I don't know that I'd want to, because of what happened that day has forever changed me as a person. Made me who I am and who I am becoming. I can't wish that part away. Because of that day I am strong. I am me. I am human. I hurt. I cry. I laugh. I love. And life still goes on. Life is good. I'm happier than I have ever been since J's passing. Some days are easier than the next. But for today I want to be woken up when today ends. And that's ok. Its part of the loss. Part of the pain. Part of the healing process. And I know I will be ok. The hurt and the pain will subside, and life will once again start moving forward. I will continue to be happy and move forward. For the first time since J passed I don't feel like I'm taking two steps back when I have a day like this. I actually feel like I'm still moving forward. Just a little bit slower, but moving forward still. And that helps me smile a little. Knowing I'm healing and can actually feel that despite the day I'm having.

Amazing Generosity

I'm overwhelmed at the generosity of people. The goodness of people. I have been blessed by so many people who have sent us money. Some even anonymously. I received such a letter as I was rushing out the door yesterday afternoon. I swung by the mailbox to find a letter addresses to me with no return address. No name, nothing. I sat in the car and opened the envelope. As I saw this picture of K and J I started to get the chills... they continued as I read the note that was attached. As I opened the letter more I saw that this guy had sent me and my kids money. Although he feels it wasn't much I was overwhelmed. He too had testicular cancer and has a sweet family. I don't know who he is and he says he doesn't know who I am but he was told of my story by a friend and was touched. I am very grateful for what he did. He didn't have to, I know money is tight for everyone these days and I am just overwhelmed by that sweet gesture. (I'm still overwhelmed) I'm am so grateful to those who have sent money for the kids and I. There is nothing I can do or say but be thankful beyond belief. There are really good people in this world. I am and will be forever grateful to those who have sent money, said prayers, watched my kids, called me just to talk, and think about us on a daily basis. You have forever touched our lives. So Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

A Dream that Leaves Me with Peace

I awoke this morning from a vivid dream. A dream that was so real. A dream that gave me peace and comfort in my life. That the decisions I'm making are right and that J supports me in where my life is going. I dreamed that I was at my parents house. I was handed a card that J had written to me. In it said he would send me a companion , not someone to replace him but, someone to pick up where he left off. Take care of his legacy and carry it on. I remember crying in the dream because I felt as though that was truly heaven sent. Later on in the day I was out by my self and decided to head over to the cemetery as I drove I felt strongly that J was in the car with me. I got to the cemetery and got out and walked over to his grave. As I stood there talking to him I could feel his presence there standing next to me. I was filled with peace as I told him about what has been going on in my life. I knew the decisions I was making were right and he approved and was just confirming to me that he had a hand in who and what was making me happy. I got back into the car and I knew he was no longer with me. I missed that. I liked feeling his presence with me. It was what I needed. What I had been praying for. I know he knew that and Heavenly Father knew that. I haven't felt that close to J in a while and it meant so much to me. I know he's been around I just haven't paid attention or been looking for it. I've been blessed a lot in my life and I count this as another blessing that has been added to my life. I know J won't just up and leave because another guy steps into my life. He will stick around and help guide him as well.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Yesterday marked 4 months since J passed away. Its strange how I can forget about time... forget what day it is. Not remember the date all month along but the 1st comes and it hits me. I remember. I'm taken back to that day. I miss him. I feel like it was yesterday. But, the heartache isn't the same. I will always love him but this heart of mine is healing. I was in C's room putting stuff away and looked up at the pictures of J that I have hanging in his wall and I just started to cry. I miss J. I was crying because of the memories we had made together. I started to pray that J would be able to visit me tonight. That he'd come and let me know its ok to move on. That everything is ok. I know he would want me to move forward and fall in love again. I just want that reassurance. That peace that I already feel to some degree but need to feel it from him as well. So when you pray tonight pray that I will have that peace in my heart, in my home, for me and for my kids. Pray that J will visit me and let me know. I can look back and see over these past 4 months how far I've come. That I've learned to dance in the rain and not just weather the storm. I know time will continue to go by and I will continue to heal and start to find that love again in my life. And yet at times I can see how far I've come yet the wound still feels fresh as if yesterday. I know time will take that away but till then how do you take that sadness away? All I know to do is cry... let myself feel this way...let it all out. Let those bottled up emotions go. I feel like two different people at the same time. The first girl is crying because of what she's lost and the second girl is feeling so happy and alive because of where her life is going. How its changed. Both feeling opposite feelings. Feeling the happiness and the sadness at the same time. Its overwhelming... a struggle at times. But, all this is making me stronger, helping me heal & its ok. I will be ok. I'm happy...

Raw Emotions

Why is when you feel like you've made some sort of progress in the whole healing process that you feel like you can take on something? I started turning this blog into a book. A book that myself or my kids or whoever can read someday. I was working on putting each post where I wanted it to be, in doing so I started to read bits and pieces of those days that I posted. I was instantly taken back to that place, time, date. Those raw emotions flooded to the surface as though it was yesterday, or even 5 min ago. The pain, the heartache. But, I felt those emotions for someone else. Some other girl. Like an out of body experience. I hurt for her. For what she's gone through. What's she's experienced. Felt the hurt of losing her best friend, husband and father of her children. I could feel the emotion, the excitement as I got closer to J getting his stem cells back and then the hurt, the pain as things went horribly wrong. The begging for peace, not for just her but for her kids. I couldn't stop. I kept going until I got to here. Today. This girl. Same girl. Yet different. Changed. Pain is still there. Just the pain is for that other girl. How do you take that away? Does it ever go away? Does the feeling of feeling like you're healing and taking a step forward but two steps backwards ever go away? I don't know. Maybe this is what I needed. To face what I've been through. See it through different eyes. Reevaluate. Feel. Experience. Heal.

Determined Soul

"There is no chance, no fate, no destiny...that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a DETERMINED SOUL!"

Cancer...its a nasty 6 letter word that no one should ever have to hear. It changes your life and those around you within seconds of hearing it. You can choose to let it make you bitter or you can choose to let it make you a stronger person because of it. I remember the first time I heard that word come out of J's mouth when he was first diagnosed. I was 7 months pregnant at the time with K. I couldn't believe it. That couldn't be happening. It was the 11th of December 2006 and my world seemed to be crashing in on me. And it happened again on August 11th, 2008. I'm sure anyone who has experienced that word whether it be for themselves or someone they love they know that feeling. Feeling helpless. Feeling cheated. Wondering why or how this happened. Cancer knows no race, it doesn't care if you are a son, a daughter, mother, father, kid, grandparent. It doesn't care if you can afford the treatments that can save your life. It hits you at anytime and anywhere. I've been thinking about the effects of cancer on someone lately. Not just how it effects them physically but mentally. Its hard. It effects everyone that comes into contact with them. Everyone that has ever known them. Recently a friend of mine found out that his mom's breast cancer has come back. My heart sank when I heard the news. I cried. It was about the same timing as J's coming back. I knew exactly how he felt, how everyone in her family felt. That helpless feeling. Feeling scared because they've already beat cancer once. What are the chances of a second time? How are they going to do this again? What is going to happen? What are the options the second time around? More chemo? Something different? Radiation? I believe in a fighting spirit. J had that fighting spirit and I know my friend's mom does too. Often times in life I think we forget that we have that in us too. We don't have to be diagnosed with cancer to gain that fighting spirit. I think its inside all of us. Its just up to us to decided if we want to fight whatever battle that is put in front of us. That we all have these trials put before us, some change as life goes on. The trial I went through with J and him having cancer has changed into me being left alone with two kids to raise. But, I'm a fighter and just like my friends mom I'm not willing to EVER give up. Each day that goes by that I make it through without pulling my hair out makes me who I am. Makes me stronger. I choose to be stronger because of all of this and not be bitter. I can't be. I don't want to be. What was the point of this post? I'm not really sure... but I do know that Cancer Sucks but attitude is what gets you from point A to point B. I'm letting my trials make me a stronger not bitter. And I'm going to be a determined soul. Not giving up. I'm working towards my happy ending. Everyone has one. It just takes awhile to get there sometimes. I'm learning to see the beauty around me again. Opening up my eyes to see that the world isn't such a bad place. That I have all the love and support I could ask for and more. That everyday is a step closer to finding that happy ending to my story. And I am a DETERMINED SOUL and so is she.

Something Special

I've had some collage frames since Thanksgiving that I've wanted to put pictures of J and the kids in. I just haven't been able to sit and look at the pictures till today. I thought I'd sit here and bawl my eyes out but I didn't. I was taken back down memory lane and remembered the good times they had with their dad. Didn't think about what they were missing out on but how much he loves them. You can see it in his face. I miss the fact that I can't take pictures of him and the kids but looking at the pictures I was able to smile. Another step for me. My heart is healing. I grow stronger with each day. This made me stronger. I'm excited to get the pictures hung up in the kids rooms so that they can look and see their dad everyday and know that he has and always will love them. He was a great dad to them. Just remembering and looking at the photos, seeing the kids faces light up when he walked through the door makes me happy. Makes the hurt, hurt less. These pictures are what is going to keep his memory alive with the kids. Because you can tell stories over and over but being able to see the memories makes a huge difference I believe. They tell their own story with out having words attached. I hope they will be able to look at these pictures and remember and feel happy. I know it will be hard to remember as they get older and especially for K but seeing these happy memories should help remind them that even though he's no longer around he's still watching over them daily and smiling and laughing right along the side of them. And that's something special to me.

Mixed Emotions

I've had J's truck stuffed to the brim with items that needed to be donated for almost 6 weeks. Mostly his clothes and things that just didn't hold any real meaning that need to be held onto were in the truck. As I started up his truck today to take everything down to be donated I smiled. I sat there for a minute listening to the rumble of his truck that I'd always hear come 6pm. I backed out of the driveway looked at the passenger side and said out loud "Wanna go for a ride Jeff?". It was kinda our time. I don't know if he was there. I never sensed anything but for a little while I felt as though I didn't have a care in the world. I was in my own little world. At peace with where my life had been, where it is and where it is going. I felt happy. Felt like I was moving forward and felt that peace of healing. As I drove down the freeway, every now and then I'd look at the back of the truck and see the bags of clothing and other items that belonged to J and felt a little sad. Almost like I was unloading a huge piece of my life. In a sense I was. As I helped the guy unload everything from the truck I felt that sadness go away. It was only stuff. It wasn't who he was. I kept anything that had meaning, that would remind my kids of him someday. It was just a strange feeling to be happy yet sad at the same time. Sad to see that part of my life be gone that I had sitting in my garage, and to see that everyday. But, happy that I was able to move forward with my life and feel good about it. Feel like J was there pushing me along as I'm sure he does everyday. Giving me the strength to keep going when I just want to throw in the towel. I spent a good 45 min. driving around in that truck. I didn't realize how much I had missed riding in that truck. It was J's baby. He loved that truck. It helped me feel connected to him and at peace at the same time. The first time I ever drove the truck after he died I felt a lot of sadness. This time it was just a joy ride and I liked that. I haven't taken the truck out that often but I might now more, just so I can ask him if he wants to go for a ride with me...

Stronger Than The Last...

I've been thinking back over the past 6 months, back to when J was first diagnosed again and I started to think about how much I've changed. How much stronger I've become. How with each trial I've started over again as a new girl. Stronger than the last. I get stronger with each day. With each thing that I accomplish. Even if its only that I didn't totally loose my mind that day. That's something. Another step towards being healed. Everyday I feel the heartache lessen, the anger melt away and I get stronger. I wish I could say today that it was one of those days that was just great but it wasn't. The kids pushed me to my limits and I found myself wishing things were different and then I had to stop myself and realize that wishing wasn't gonna get me anywhere. So I changed my thinking, just tried to breath and some days that's just gonna have to be good enough. I'm not perfect. I've gotta realize that, and that I'm just doing the best I can do and everyday that I make it through makes me stronger.

I Can't Do It Alone

I've been struggling for a while. My faith tested. I've been hurt, but mostly I've been angry. Angry at J for leaving me, angry at myself for not being able to run a house hold on my own. Get my kids to obey. Thing is I didn't really see that I was angry. At least I was in denial about it all. Trying to avoid all the feelings of grief, I found it was easier for me to just be in denial that I wasn't ok. That I was hurting. I let my faith falter and my understanding go by the way side. The day J coded I sat in the hospital bathroom confused yet all I could pray was, I need him, my kids need him, BUT, I will understand. I have no idea why these words constantly came to my mind every time I prayed that J would come out of it. That he would be ok that our family would be made whole again. My trial has changed. Its changed from being a single mom to my trial of faith and understanding of time. As I went through the first month after J's passing I felt grateful for the time we did have together. I was able to feel that gratitude for what God had given to me. But as the time passed and tasks came along that required me to find things that J could easily give me the answers to if he was here I found myself becoming angry at him. Angry that he left such a mess for me to clean up and straighten out. But, how could it be his fault? He didn't choose to die. He never would have stepped foot in that hospital had he know he'd never come home. I became angry at myself because I felt I couldn't do everything that being a single mom entails. I became angry because I am not perfect. That I make mistakes and I yell at my kids, get frustrated at strangers. I found myself being upset over the stupid little things like being put on hold just so I could cancel a credit card. Didn't these people understand how hard it was just to do things on a daily basis? That no matter how many people gave me their condolences that it wasn't gonna make me feel any better? Wouldn't change a thing? A good friend of mine spoke to me and told me that I needed to fall to my knees and have my hands outstretched instead of standing up with my fists in the air. To let go of the anger. That isn't me and its only holding me back from truly healing. I know this is true. Somehow I let myself let go of seeing the big picture. Of being grateful for what I had and continue to have. I stopped liking the person I am. I miss that girl who saw everything ever day and found something to be grateful despite the heartache I was experiencing. My parents gave me a book for my birthday by Brent L. Top titled: When You Can't Do It Alone Take the Savior's Hand. I started reading it today and I've almost made it to the end. It made me realize that I had strayed away from the Savior. That I had let myself be angry and in turn pushed him away. As I read the book I felt the anger melt away from me and felt that peace of mind, heart and soul that J had blessed me with before he entered the hospital. I started to count my blessings despite my hardships. "Gratitude saves us from wasting our spiritual and emotional powers when we focus so much on how bad we have it, what we don't have, or how we wish things were different." I started to see again how good God has been to me. I decided that I need to look everyday and count my blessings no matter how small and write them down. So that in a year from now I will be able to look back and see how truly I've been blessed. "Failure to see the hand of God in our lives in true perspective actually leaves us with a warped view of our real circumstances and true selves." How true this statement is. I've had a warped view of my real circumstances and true self for the past month. Maybe because I felt it easier to blame someone else for my circumstances instead of accepting my reality or just being grateful for what I did have and continue to have. I need to live in Thanksgiving daily, not just when I find it convenient for me. Brent L. Top goes on to say " You may feel that you are not rich in blessings, but you are! Even our trials and what we don't have, in reality, are blessings." I have been so blessed through this trial. I just haven't taken the time to step back and see it because I was too busy being angry by it. I know anger is part of the grieving process, but I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to give it all up and for me I know that will be something I battle on a daily basis until I don't have to remind myself to let it go. I have to trust in God, have faith not only in him but in myself. That I can and am doing the best that I can be doing. That I don't have to be angry. That I am truly blessed. That even though I have a huge loss and a hole in my heart that I have been blessed. Blessed to have my kids, the time I had with J, the time they had with J,blessed by the prayers of friends, family, and strangers. Blessed with the outpouring of love and prayers for me, for my kids. "God's power is always there and always available." I have a scripture that I often read especially when J was out of town or in the hospital and it always made me feel better. That I wasn't alone and that I could have that peace of mind.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you...
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: Not as the
world giveth, give I unto you, Let not your heart be troubled,
neither let it be afraid. (John 14:18, 27)

I need to remember that Heavenly Father will not leave me comfortless. That I need to turn to him when I can't do it alone anymore and he will strengthen me and bear me up. When I can no longer stand that I should fall to my knees with open palms and an open spirit and put my trust in him.

Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported
in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall
be lifted up at that last day. (Alma 36:3)

From this day forward, I resolve to put my faith back into myself, trust in the Lord and in his timing of everything. I will count my blessings everyday may they be big or small. I will find little random acts of kindness to reach out to someone. And serve. Because when I gave myself all to serving J while he was sick I was at my happiest. At times I think that may be my own kids that need to be served. That they need that from me and I need to be able to give that to them and the only way I can is by giving up that anger I have inside of me, so that I can become the best person and mom out there that I can be. I know that Christ is standing there with his hand outstretched just waiting for me to grab a hold before I drown. Its up to me to grab on and hold tight because I can't do this alone. Try as I might, I know I can't and he knows I can't.

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and
on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine
angels round about you, to bear you up. (D&C 84:88)

Be Ok

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I just wanna be ok today... Feel today... Know that maybe I will be ok....

These song lyrics seem to have been written just for me. How I feel today. I just wanna be ok today. But, I know that won't always be the case. That I can't speed up time wish time away. And the funny thing is these past 3 months time has gone by so slowly that its felt like 3 long years instead of what everyone else would see as just 3 months, long or short to them. I woke up today feeling like I was no longer walking in my daze, a fog of sorts. Feeling that reality hit like a ton of bricks. I took my wedding ring to be cleaned today and as I wore it on my finger I didn't even notice it was there even though its been months since I last wore it. As I looked at it I felt disconnected from the person that used to wear it. It was a past life of mine. The ring didn't mean the same. It was strange to feel that way. As I took J and I's rings and put them in the safe I had this feeling of it was ok. That I was now ok to be moving on. To feel ok about moving on. I know everyone has in their heads when they think or feel they'd be ready to move on if they were in my shoes. But, I don't really think anyone knows. No one can be the judge of that but me. Unless you walk a mile in my shoes no one ever would know when it was time to be ok. Everyone has their own time line. No ones time line is the same. Its whether or not you choose to be happy for that person when they feel it is time to move on, for them to be ok where their life has taken them. A big fear for me is that my friends and family won't be ok with me moving on when that time comes, when I feel like the time is right. Its important for me to feel that they are ok with me moving on and support me even when they may not feel that the time is right in their minds. I need to feel that support from them knowing that they know I made that decision because I felt it was right for me in order for me to be happy. Today was a huge step, almost like a leap for me in moving forward... being ok. I finally don't feel like I'm gonna go to bed at night and think when I wake up this nightmare will be over. Because I don't see my reality as a nightmare anymore. I see it as my chance to grow. To come out of the shell of a person that I once was. That I am a different person than who was married to J and not in a bad way. I seem to be finding out who I am as a person on my own. Yes I have 2 kids, but they don't define me as a person. I've found myself adventuring out and not being afraid of being alone at night, not afraid to pack up the kids and head out on a road trip. Feeling and knowing that no matter how hard my life may feel at times I'm starting to be ok. Starting to feel like I'm coming into my own as a person, not just as a mom or when I was a wife. But, my own person who knows when the time is right for her to move on in every sense. No one can tell me when I should feel the time is right, no one will be able to pin point when I'm gonna be ok. Only I can and only I can make myself happy. Trying to please everyone and make everyone happy all the time just isn't gonna work for me. Its not gonna make me happy. I'm starting to feel happy again. Trying to put myself first. My healing first so that I can be the best person I can be. Be the best mom I can be. Knowing that I will never be the same person I was before J died. I'm ok with that. Because even though I lost something and went through something so hard its made me a stronger person, someone who has become independent. Someone who is seeking what makes me happy so that I can be the best person out there. Change is hard, being forced to do something you don't want to do but know you have to do is hard. Its hard to sit back and think for a second what it would be like to walk around in someone else's shoes. Because you feel their heartache and you don't think you could possibly ever do what they are having to do, go through. But the truth of the matter is for me, all I can do is choose to be happy and hope that people will be happy with me being ok and moving on with my life. I'm ok with looking at pictures of J and I. I'm not sad anymore that he's not there to take pictures with me because I know he still loves me and always will and that he'd want me to be happy no matter what. I still can't look at pictures of J with the kids. I may never be ok with that and that's ok. But a huge part of the healing process has started. Time is picking up and for me that's huge. That means I'm ok with not having J by my side. I miss him. But I'm ok. I've come to terms with that. I know I can make it in this life and not be afraid or feel sad. I know that he'll always be by my side. That when that guy comes along he'll still be by my side and never leave. That he loves me always. That he loves my kids always. And that just like I told him, that I will be ok. I am so much closer to being ok. Everyday is a step closer in that direction. I'm moving towards being ok and embracing where ever my life may take me.

Angels Among Us

God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face.

Sundays are always harder on me. We have church at 1:30pm which means waiting out half the day trying to keep the kids entertained and me not frazzled by the time we do make it to church. Which pretty much ends up being that I am so done with keeping them in line and trying to make it out the door on time let alone keep them sitting still for an hour. Its hard to watch the families sitting together with the mom and dad and the kids and if one of the kids acts up the dad usually gets up and takes care of the situation. I often am envious of that. I have several people ask me how I'm doing every Sunday and I give the typical answer of I'm good but I obviously wear my emotions on my sleeve and people can instantly tell that today was not one of my good days. Try as I might things can be rough. Our lesson today in RS was on The Ministry of Angels by Jeffrey R. Holland. The teacher asked about angels in our lives today and I started to get teary eyed as I thought about my kids and how they have a special angel in their lives. How I know that J is watching over us. How I've felt his presence at times usually when I'm down. Then I also started to think about the real life angels in my life. Those of you who have taken my kids for me so I could get a break and hopefully not go insane (although some days I wonder if its too late) Those who have listened to me stress out to the max and yet have been able to get me to relax and laugh. Those of you who pray for me and my kids on a daily basis. Those who leave comments of encouragement, understanding and strength. These are my angels. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me, for my kids. I appreciate the comments that are left for me to read that help build me back up from the hard times. I hope someday I can be some one's angel... some one's saving grace. And when I'm having a hard time with the kids and I'm missing J, like I am tonight. I find peace in the knowledge that he is always with us. That there are angels among us that we can see and those that we can't see. That they will lift us up when we can't bear anymore. And although I struggle with letting people help me out, I know that God has sent these people to lift me up when I can't do it alone anymore. So thank you to all of you... you know who you are. And even if it was something small to you that you may have done for me, know that it wasn't small in my eyes. And will be forever grateful for you and what you have done for me. Even if it is something as simple as a little prayer that I can make it through the day without being stressed with my kids. That's a huge thing to me even if I don't know about it, so thank you to all my angels out there from the bottom of my heart.

Hitting a Brick Wall

Ever feel like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try that every time you turn around you hit a brick wall? Lately that's how I've felt. I've been trying to get everything wrapped up with all the financial aspects of J & I's lives. Trying to put back the pieces of my life that have been shattered into a million little pieces. I feel the pressure to get every little detail tied up and finished so that I can feel like my life is on track again. And not veering out of control down a one way street. And on top of that all I seem to be constantly hitting a brick wall with C. No matter what I do or say he just pushes me to my limits. Tests me every day. Stresses me to the max till I break. And on those days I feel like I should just throw in the towel and give up. But I can't. I can't give up on anything. On those days I really wish I could just step to the side and have J be there to step in and take C aside and explain to him how much he is hurting me, how hard it is on a daily basis to just be his mom and how hard I'm trying to play the role of mom, dad and financial person at the same time. Trying to hold this household together but, feeling like I'm failing miserably. Its interesting to me to look back over the past 5 months and see how far I've come. How much I've changed. And to see how different of a person I've become. I feel like I've been split down the middle, torn in two and I can see the person I used to be and the person I've become and continue to become. Its not a bad thing. All these experiences although rough, sad, stressful, heartbreaking have made me who I am. Changed me for the good I hope. I often wonder why Heavenly Father has trusted me with this trial. Wondered why He has so much faith in me to be in this role of single mom. Why He thinks or I should say knows I can do this. Because often more days than not I'd rather give it all up, I want a different life. I want to have that sense of family back. Feel whole again, not only as a family but as a person. I know I have to be patient and things will all work themselves out over time. Time heals all. But, right now, time and I aren't exactly the best of friends. I feel time slowly going by on the days I'm stressed to the max and yet when I look back on things I start to think where did the time go? I can't believe that it is going by so quickly and I think about the things that have happened with the kids and watching K grow up right before my very eyes and wonder how much J sees. Does he see her learning how to open the fridge just to throw a dozen eggs all over the floor, does he see how proud C is to be able to order his own food and pay for it at the fast food restaurant. Does he see me at times struggling with the day to day tasks. Does he see me when I am happy? I have my days where I'm worn and I have my days where I'm starting to feel my heart healing and I feel like everything is going to be ok. That things will turn around and just keep getting better. I have to constantly remind myself that J wouldn't want me to be stressed because of everything I have to do. But I can't help it. These things are just things that have to be done and once they are done, they will be a distant memory. Never to be thought of again. And I will be totally and completely happy. I'm starting to feel happy. Be happy. I just have my days. Nothing is easy and I shouldn't think for a second that it is going to be. Because anything worth in this life isn't easy but it is worth fighting for. J's battle wasn't easy but he saw what was worth fighting for and for me this battle isn't easy but its worth fighting for, to get myself back, find myself, even if that is a new self. To be able to find and have happiness again in my life. To feel whole again. So bring it on. I'm stubborn and I'm not ready to give up. I will face this trial and because of it, everyday I'm a stronger person. Whether I like it or not, this makes me stronger. And I am stronger... stronger than I ever imagined possible.