Be Ok

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I just wanna be ok today... Feel today... Know that maybe I will be ok....

These song lyrics seem to have been written just for me. How I feel today. I just wanna be ok today. But, I know that won't always be the case. That I can't speed up time wish time away. And the funny thing is these past 3 months time has gone by so slowly that its felt like 3 long years instead of what everyone else would see as just 3 months, long or short to them. I woke up today feeling like I was no longer walking in my daze, a fog of sorts. Feeling that reality hit like a ton of bricks. I took my wedding ring to be cleaned today and as I wore it on my finger I didn't even notice it was there even though its been months since I last wore it. As I looked at it I felt disconnected from the person that used to wear it. It was a past life of mine. The ring didn't mean the same. It was strange to feel that way. As I took J and I's rings and put them in the safe I had this feeling of it was ok. That I was now ok to be moving on. To feel ok about moving on. I know everyone has in their heads when they think or feel they'd be ready to move on if they were in my shoes. But, I don't really think anyone knows. No one can be the judge of that but me. Unless you walk a mile in my shoes no one ever would know when it was time to be ok. Everyone has their own time line. No ones time line is the same. Its whether or not you choose to be happy for that person when they feel it is time to move on, for them to be ok where their life has taken them. A big fear for me is that my friends and family won't be ok with me moving on when that time comes, when I feel like the time is right. Its important for me to feel that they are ok with me moving on and support me even when they may not feel that the time is right in their minds. I need to feel that support from them knowing that they know I made that decision because I felt it was right for me in order for me to be happy. Today was a huge step, almost like a leap for me in moving forward... being ok. I finally don't feel like I'm gonna go to bed at night and think when I wake up this nightmare will be over. Because I don't see my reality as a nightmare anymore. I see it as my chance to grow. To come out of the shell of a person that I once was. That I am a different person than who was married to J and not in a bad way. I seem to be finding out who I am as a person on my own. Yes I have 2 kids, but they don't define me as a person. I've found myself adventuring out and not being afraid of being alone at night, not afraid to pack up the kids and head out on a road trip. Feeling and knowing that no matter how hard my life may feel at times I'm starting to be ok. Starting to feel like I'm coming into my own as a person, not just as a mom or when I was a wife. But, my own person who knows when the time is right for her to move on in every sense. No one can tell me when I should feel the time is right, no one will be able to pin point when I'm gonna be ok. Only I can and only I can make myself happy. Trying to please everyone and make everyone happy all the time just isn't gonna work for me. Its not gonna make me happy. I'm starting to feel happy again. Trying to put myself first. My healing first so that I can be the best person I can be. Be the best mom I can be. Knowing that I will never be the same person I was before J died. I'm ok with that. Because even though I lost something and went through something so hard its made me a stronger person, someone who has become independent. Someone who is seeking what makes me happy so that I can be the best person out there. Change is hard, being forced to do something you don't want to do but know you have to do is hard. Its hard to sit back and think for a second what it would be like to walk around in someone else's shoes. Because you feel their heartache and you don't think you could possibly ever do what they are having to do, go through. But the truth of the matter is for me, all I can do is choose to be happy and hope that people will be happy with me being ok and moving on with my life. I'm ok with looking at pictures of J and I. I'm not sad anymore that he's not there to take pictures with me because I know he still loves me and always will and that he'd want me to be happy no matter what. I still can't look at pictures of J with the kids. I may never be ok with that and that's ok. But a huge part of the healing process has started. Time is picking up and for me that's huge. That means I'm ok with not having J by my side. I miss him. But I'm ok. I've come to terms with that. I know I can make it in this life and not be afraid or feel sad. I know that he'll always be by my side. That when that guy comes along he'll still be by my side and never leave. That he loves me always. That he loves my kids always. And that just like I told him, that I will be ok. I am so much closer to being ok. Everyday is a step closer in that direction. I'm moving towards being ok and embracing where ever my life may take me.

Angels Among Us

God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face.

Sundays are always harder on me. We have church at 1:30pm which means waiting out half the day trying to keep the kids entertained and me not frazzled by the time we do make it to church. Which pretty much ends up being that I am so done with keeping them in line and trying to make it out the door on time let alone keep them sitting still for an hour. Its hard to watch the families sitting together with the mom and dad and the kids and if one of the kids acts up the dad usually gets up and takes care of the situation. I often am envious of that. I have several people ask me how I'm doing every Sunday and I give the typical answer of I'm good but I obviously wear my emotions on my sleeve and people can instantly tell that today was not one of my good days. Try as I might things can be rough. Our lesson today in RS was on The Ministry of Angels by Jeffrey R. Holland. The teacher asked about angels in our lives today and I started to get teary eyed as I thought about my kids and how they have a special angel in their lives. How I know that J is watching over us. How I've felt his presence at times usually when I'm down. Then I also started to think about the real life angels in my life. Those of you who have taken my kids for me so I could get a break and hopefully not go insane (although some days I wonder if its too late) Those who have listened to me stress out to the max and yet have been able to get me to relax and laugh. Those of you who pray for me and my kids on a daily basis. Those who leave comments of encouragement, understanding and strength. These are my angels. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me, for my kids. I appreciate the comments that are left for me to read that help build me back up from the hard times. I hope someday I can be some one's angel... some one's saving grace. And when I'm having a hard time with the kids and I'm missing J, like I am tonight. I find peace in the knowledge that he is always with us. That there are angels among us that we can see and those that we can't see. That they will lift us up when we can't bear anymore. And although I struggle with letting people help me out, I know that God has sent these people to lift me up when I can't do it alone anymore. So thank you to all of you... you know who you are. And even if it was something small to you that you may have done for me, know that it wasn't small in my eyes. And will be forever grateful for you and what you have done for me. Even if it is something as simple as a little prayer that I can make it through the day without being stressed with my kids. That's a huge thing to me even if I don't know about it, so thank you to all my angels out there from the bottom of my heart.

Hitting a Brick Wall

Ever feel like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try that every time you turn around you hit a brick wall? Lately that's how I've felt. I've been trying to get everything wrapped up with all the financial aspects of J & I's lives. Trying to put back the pieces of my life that have been shattered into a million little pieces. I feel the pressure to get every little detail tied up and finished so that I can feel like my life is on track again. And not veering out of control down a one way street. And on top of that all I seem to be constantly hitting a brick wall with C. No matter what I do or say he just pushes me to my limits. Tests me every day. Stresses me to the max till I break. And on those days I feel like I should just throw in the towel and give up. But I can't. I can't give up on anything. On those days I really wish I could just step to the side and have J be there to step in and take C aside and explain to him how much he is hurting me, how hard it is on a daily basis to just be his mom and how hard I'm trying to play the role of mom, dad and financial person at the same time. Trying to hold this household together but, feeling like I'm failing miserably. Its interesting to me to look back over the past 5 months and see how far I've come. How much I've changed. And to see how different of a person I've become. I feel like I've been split down the middle, torn in two and I can see the person I used to be and the person I've become and continue to become. Its not a bad thing. All these experiences although rough, sad, stressful, heartbreaking have made me who I am. Changed me for the good I hope. I often wonder why Heavenly Father has trusted me with this trial. Wondered why He has so much faith in me to be in this role of single mom. Why He thinks or I should say knows I can do this. Because often more days than not I'd rather give it all up, I want a different life. I want to have that sense of family back. Feel whole again, not only as a family but as a person. I know I have to be patient and things will all work themselves out over time. Time heals all. But, right now, time and I aren't exactly the best of friends. I feel time slowly going by on the days I'm stressed to the max and yet when I look back on things I start to think where did the time go? I can't believe that it is going by so quickly and I think about the things that have happened with the kids and watching K grow up right before my very eyes and wonder how much J sees. Does he see her learning how to open the fridge just to throw a dozen eggs all over the floor, does he see how proud C is to be able to order his own food and pay for it at the fast food restaurant. Does he see me at times struggling with the day to day tasks. Does he see me when I am happy? I have my days where I'm worn and I have my days where I'm starting to feel my heart healing and I feel like everything is going to be ok. That things will turn around and just keep getting better. I have to constantly remind myself that J wouldn't want me to be stressed because of everything I have to do. But I can't help it. These things are just things that have to be done and once they are done, they will be a distant memory. Never to be thought of again. And I will be totally and completely happy. I'm starting to feel happy. Be happy. I just have my days. Nothing is easy and I shouldn't think for a second that it is going to be. Because anything worth in this life isn't easy but it is worth fighting for. J's battle wasn't easy but he saw what was worth fighting for and for me this battle isn't easy but its worth fighting for, to get myself back, find myself, even if that is a new self. To be able to find and have happiness again in my life. To feel whole again. So bring it on. I'm stubborn and I'm not ready to give up. I will face this trial and because of it, everyday I'm a stronger person. Whether I like it or not, this makes me stronger. And I am stronger... stronger than I ever imagined possible.

Most Days

Most days go by and I'm doing great. I handle things and I start to think I'm getting the hang of this single mom biz. Then a day like today happens. The house gets torn apart a million times. Kids are crying, drinks spilled, food thrown and I'm struggling to just get every little detail of my life fixed and in order. I find myself missing J. Watching the clock for that 6 'o clock hour to hit. The magic hour that used to occur at our house when J would walk through that door and we'd sit down as a family for dinner and I knew that I'd get a break from being a mom. I wished for most of all that he'd be here for my kids. Not even for me. Not to hold me or hug me. But, to be able to play with my kids. To wipe away K's tears because she's not feeling well to snuggle up with her like he always would. To build an awesome train track with C. I found myself as I put them to bed praying that he'd be able to visit them in some way tonight. To comfort K because she doesn't feel well. For the first time I miss J because of my kids. I ache for my kids. That they are missing out on having him here physically although I know without a doubt that he's always around. I know he's been watching K dance to her little hearts content. And been watching C play the same level on the video game over and over again and just smiling at the ridiculous words C's started to use. Knowing that he's getting a kick out of it. I just wish for one night, maybe tonight that my kids will really feel him around. Know how much he loves them and misses them. They need it, more than they probably even know. I need it for them....

10 Years Ago Today

At 9am J and I were married for time and all eternity. Seems not that long ago. Like the blink of an eye. 10 years is a long time now days to be married. Most couples now days don't make it past the first 3 years. I've been overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions today. My dad brought over a present last night for me to open this morning. I sat in my room door locked not knowing what could be inside. I opened the box to find that my mom had gotten our wedding video and put it on DVD for us. She meant to get it to us for our 5 year but the video got lost and every year she'd get working on it and it just didn't get done till now. I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. Kids pounding on the door to my room. I just sat there. Didn't know how to feel or think. Sad cause he's not here to watch it with me. Sad because 10 years is a big deal and I felt like I should be on a beach with him somewhere celebrating instead I drove down to the grave today and placed flowers there. I've never bought flowers for someone before. Let alone taken flowers to someone's grave. It was a strange feeling. Almost sick to my stomach kinda feeling. Like this just wasn't right. But I know J wouldn't want me to be sad today. He'd want me to remember the good times, the tough times and how much we love each other. I feel like two different people. The girl that was married to J and experienced having two kids with him and enduring this trial of cancer with him and then this other girl. The single girl with two kids who is starting to feel happy again and feel like she can move on and that J is happy for her and always with her. You start to feel a little guilty about being happy again but I realized that J doesn't want me to be sad. He wants me to move on and be happy and he'll always be by my side through it all. I know J's gift to me today is that feeling of peace that its ok to feel sad and to feel like its ok to move on and be happy. I didn't think today would be that hard but maybe I was just fooling myself. So many years of emotions come flooding back and things just feel broken. Not the same. As I lay in bed last night with a heavy heart I could tell J was there next to me. I could feel him and I was able to drift off into a dreamless sleep. That's the greatest gift he can ever give to me. To always be there for me whenever, even if he can't hug me or touch me. Just to know he's there. Happy Anniversary... till we meet again. I love you.

Healing a Broken Heart in 2009

January 1st marks the start of a new year. Most people sit and make out new years resolutions, what they want to accomplish this year. Usually I'd be all about resolutions and setting goals. This year was different. I woke up knowing what day it was. Knowing that it had been 2 months since J passed. Its hard to know how I'm gonna feel on any given day. Your heart can feel happy and sad at the same time. Feel broken and healing at the same time. Feel longing and love. I feel like I'm healing and slowly moving on. That life is gonna be good. That 2009 is going to bring nothing but happiness for me, for my kids for everyone. That J is up there looking out for me. Knowing what I need and making sure I'm being taken care of. Whether its sending someone my way to help me out with the kids or someone to talk to. I know J has a hand in it. He's guiding those who serve us, those who love us, those who just think about us and pray for us on a daily basis. I know he's up there watching over us, loving us just as much as the day he was here on this earth. Time doesn't exist up in heaven. Its a blink of an eye. Some days I wish I could blink my eyes and time wouldn't matter. That I wouldn't have to hear... it just takes time, because sometime you just feel that you don't want to wait for time. That you wish time would speed up and everything would be "perfect" again. But, I know that's not how things work. Things take time to heal, to grow, to become and I'm starting to be ok with that. And for me that's a huge thing. Starting to feel normal again. Not really sure what normal is, but I'm starting to feel happy again. That I can do this no matter how hard somedays are. I'm doing it and "growing up". Strange to be 29 and just now feeling like I'm growing up. I've had J by my side for almost 10 years to help me with so much stuff that I'm now learning how to take care of things on my own and it feels good. I don't see it as a burden because I can't look at it as that. I have to look at it as something I'd have to do if he was sick or out of town or in the hospital. And as long as I keep optimistic I can handle most things. I have my days and they are becoming further apart. I don't know if it is because I'm healing my broken heart and J's helping me a long with that or what. But I know that he's always looking out for us and that is something I will never ever forget and will be forever grateful for.

Christmas In Heaven

I haven't been very festive this holiday season and rightly so. We have a tree in our home decorated and presents beneath the tree. And this year is just not the same. I cleaned out J's office last week tearing apart the place in search of the kids birth certificates and found gifts that J had bought to give to me along with an anniversary card because our anniversary is just 2 weeks after Christmas. That was rough. And when I think about how J won't be there on Christmas morning to see C freak out over his Christmas gifts or K being able to open her gifts on her own for the first time. Seeing J sit there with the video camera just taking it all in it makes my heart ache a little. And then I remember he will be there, just taking it all in, in a different way. And I know he will be just as happy. He doesn't want me or anyone else to be sad that he isn't around. That he couldn't physically be here. I found this and thought it was more than I would know what to say and as I read it I thought of J and that he would be saying this, thinking this:

My heart is always with you.
I know you are sad because we are not together this Christmas.
But always know that my love for you never left.
We will always be apart of each other.
Think of me in everything you do...
and everything I loved about the holiday.
Remember that you substantiate my life...
by the way you live yours.
Hold onto the good memories...
and to all of God's promises.
I'll always feel your love for me....
The love that was the foundation for our family.
My friends and family were always very important to me...
I pray you will stay close to each other.
Life is too short for strife and unforgiveness...
love each other... it will keep you strong....
Remember the faith of your youth...
And that Jesus is the Reason for the Season.
I'm spending my Christmas in Heaven this year,
but, I will also be in your heart....
We WILL meet again one day...
we will embrace, laugh and rejoice together...
There is no sadness here.
So until we meet again....
MERRY CHRISTMAS
from HEAVEN
I Love You

May you all feel the love of Christ this holiday season. And as you sit there with your loved ones may you feel the peace and comfort of those who have passed on and are spending their Christmas in Heaven. Remember they love you just as much today as the day they left this earth. And with that being said, I know that it will be a good Christmas because even though J isn't here with us. He's hear in our hearts and always will be.

Life Changes In An Instant

Its funny how life can be changed in an instant. We go living our lives day to day planning out the big important details of maybe a big vacation that we want to take or that big household item that we want to purchase. But we never sit down and take the time to think about the little details. The details that may someday forever change our lives. You know the little annoying ones like whos name is on the phone bill. I've found that these little details of life have turned into huge details, obstacles thrown in my path, just another thing I have to do. Another person I have to call, more paper work to fill out. Death certificates to be sent out. No one should ever have to go through what I'm going through. The loss is hard, but I manage day by day and get on with my life. I miss J but I've learned a lot. Stuff that I'd want to pass on to other people just in case. You know cause you can always plan the big details in life, but you never know when something you didn't plan for is going to happen. *Take time to sit down with your spouse, your significant other, whoever is going to be there if something should happen to you. Take the time to make sure that you both know where you stand, *passwords to everything. Both of you should know. Write them down keep them in a safe or a safety deposit box, make sure you know the code or where the keys are. *Both names on accounts. Something as simple as a phone bill can soon become something more complicated than you would think when that only person who's name is on the bill is no longer around. When you have to make changes to it and you can't you find more paperwork you don't want to fill out and your list every growing of places to call because your name wasn't on that account. *Birth certificates and social security numbers, important documents that you may need to have make sure these things are all in a safe place and that you both know where they are and how to get copies if need be. *Know what credit cards are out there. *Be sure that both of you know how to pay the bills, know the ins and outs of your banking. I know this is easier said than done but trust me, if you are ever thrown into a situation where something happens to one, say they get really sick and can't take care of that stuff, you should be able to step right in there and know what is going on and not even have to bat an eye at it. You will be able to pick up the slack with out a problem. *Have a living will, make one if you haven't. Make sure it has your basic wishes in it. Maybe write what things you'd want at your funeral. I know it sounds strange to think that way but I know, knowing a couple of things that J wanted at his made it that much easier on me. * If you have kids, make sure you have someone in mind of who they would be with if something should happen. Make sure the kids know, and have it in writing. * Get life insurance. I don't care how young you think you are, you are not invisible. It isn't that much to get a decent amount at least enough to pay off a house and cars. It could be as little as $20-$30 a month. This maybe hard for some to think about paying out every month but believe me in the long run if you do have life insurance your family will be taken care of. That goes for the man & woman. Both of you should have it. *If you back up things such as photos, both should know how to do it and where these things are kept. J was my computer guru and I am at a total loss. I find myself trying to teach myself how to do something like backing up all my photos and I haven't the slightest clue to what he's done on certain things.
I've been thinking about all this for a little while now as these things have come up and I think to myself, I never would have thought about these things, never thought that not having my name on the phone bill would be such a big deal. Actually I didn't even know my name wasn't on it. I assumed it was... Don't assume ASK! I know that not everyone is ever gonna be put in a situation as me. But, it doesn't hurt to be prepared now for the future. You may be 80+ years old before you have to deal with losing a spouse, but just think of how much easier it will be to deal with their affairs if you know what is going on right now. Thank you for the continued love and support for me and my kids. We feel your love and prayers everyday. We tend to keep busy, but busy is good. Busy doesn't keep the heart from aching but its a reminder that life goes on and sometimes when I'm driving here or there I like to think that J's sitting next to me in the car. Enjoying the ride....

1000 Miles

I sat in bed the other night just looking at J's side of the bed wishing he was there. I felt sad, I sat there not able to take my eyes off his side. And then I thought of this song that I hear on the radio from time to time and its taken on a whole new meaning to me. I turned out the light and rolled over to go to sleep when I had this overwhelming feeling that J was there. Lying next to me. It startled me at first and I rolled over trying to calm my heart. For a moment J was there with me. Almost to let me know that it was ok... and that he was thinking of me too. Sometimes that's all I need... I wish he could just hold me but that's all in due time. Someday that will be the case, but until then I'll take any visit even if it does startle me a little.

Makin' my way downtown,
Walkin' fast,
Faces pass and I'm homebound.

Starin' blankly ahead,
Just makin' my way,
Makin' a way through the crowd.

And I need you,
And I miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time
would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
Tonight.

It's always times like these
When I think of you,
And wonder if you ever think of me.

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong.
Livin' in your precious memory.

'Cause I need you,
And I miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time
would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
Tonight.

I, don't wanna let you know
I, drown in your memory.
I, don't wanna let this go.
I, don't.
...........
If I could just hold you....

Tonight.

A Band Aid Isn't Going to Fix This

As a parent you never want your child to feel pain or be sad. You always want to be able to kiss them better put a band aid on the wound and things will be better. You want to be able to fix their heartache take it away. Last night at 11pm C came down stairs for the 6th or 7th time that night crying and saying he missed his dad. I didn't know what to do or say except take him back to bed and tell him I didn't know what to do. I can't fix this. I can't bring dad back. I don't want to do this all by myself. And when his only response is "When Dad comes back alive he can come home and live with us again" what do you say other than, you know but that's going to be a really long time. I told him I loved him, hugged him and left. There wasn't anything I could do. Reality was I couldn't fix this. I can't fix his broken heart and I certainly can't fix mine. And the fact of the matter is that no matter how many people love and support you, no one can fix the hurt you have because you no longer have that husband, father and best friend. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but too often I feel like time just opens a new wound. Maybe one I didn't know was there. Time is supposed to make things easier and although somethings have become easier loosing my best friend is something that has gotten harder to deal with.

1 Month Has Past/ 1 Month Closer

Yesterday marked the one month since J passed away. Time has gone by so quickly, yet so slow at the same time. It seems longer. I moved C back to his own room last night for the first time since J had left for the hospital. I thought he would throw a fit but he thought it was pretty cool that I let him have my old ipod and his dad's docking station to listen to music as he went to sleep. He snuggled under J's quilt that C has always loved and seemed to be ok with going to sleep. Shortly after he came down the stair crying saying he missed his dad. He does this almost every other night. Partly because he does miss his dad and the other part to tug at my heartstrings and get me to let him stay up. Times like that I just don't know how to fix it. I wish J could just show up and wrap his arms around C and tell him it was going to be ok. We said prayers and asked if J could come visit C. I told him to just talk to his dad for a few min and then go to sleep. I didn't see C again, he fell fast asleep. I woke up at 6:30am and rolled over half expecting to see J there sleeping, snoring away. Half startled that I was alone. I often wonder if that feeling ever goes away. Do you ever stop having those thoughts when the phone rings and think Oh, that might be J. Or look at the clock and see that its 6pm and J should be home any min now, and look towards the door to see him walk through and K run screaming into her daddy's arms. I miss that. Every time now that K hears a motorcycle rumble she says Dada... so I ask her "does Daddy ride a motorcycle?" to which the answer is always yes and it makes me smile. J always wanted a motorcycle and always wanted to ride one. So it makes me feel like there is a connection there between a girl and her dad that no one else is gonna have. Kinda like his secret way of telling her that he's right there riding next to her always. This past Friday the kids and I decorated a small Christmas tree that we borrowed from my parents house. We hung lights and listened to some of J's favorite Christmas music and as much fun as the kids had you could feel that someone was missing from all the festivities... I'm sure he was watching us... just wishing he could be here... I guess I could look at as J's been gone for a month but on the other hand I think I would rather see it as we are one month closer to being with him again... and instead of that making me sad it makes me happy that we are one month closer to being together as a family again....

Truly Grateful

I've been thinking of the time that J had to spend with us, not just because Thanksgiving is just a day away but because it helps me get through the tough days. Although we were only married for just shy of 10 yrs in January we had 13 wonderful years together... C had 5 years with his dad and K 19 months with him. We've been lucky... I feel blessed that we were able to meet at such a young age J was 17 and I was 15... and we were pretty much inseparable since then.... just ask our parents. Some days are easier than others. But, everyday I think about J and think about how grateful I am that I had those years with him. That we have our two kids together. That although their time with them was cut short he will always be there for them. He'll always be their dad... Nothing will ever change that. I'm grateful that he'll always be able to be there when K has a dance recital or C has a ball game. They may not have their dad here physically but they will always have that special guardian angel to look over them. I'm grateful that J was able to have those 31 yrs on this earth. If I stop and think everyday what I'm grateful for even though J is gone I find myself feeling better. I know sometimes its hard for me to think of what to be grateful for without J in my life now but I think about all the things he did for me, for the kids, for everyone who's lives he has touched. I'm grateful for his outpouring of love for everyone. I'm grateful that he was always a friend to everyone and passed that trait onto C. I'm grateful that he showed me how much he loved me everyday and that my kids were able to see that, feel that. I'm grateful that he was an example of always caring and loving his family especially his extended family. I could go on and on... but most of all I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing J into our lives. We will be forever changed because he has been in our lives.
"Time is: Too slow for those who wait, Too swift for those who fear, Too long for those who grieve, Too short for those who rejoice, But for those who love, Time is eternity."
Time may have been too short while J was here and too long for those of us who grieve his loss but those who love him and those he loves time will always be eternity... and for that I'm truly grateful...

Closer Than Ever

In church today (Relief Society) we had a lesson on celestial marriages. And wouldn't you know it I got the quote about serving your spouse. I thought back over the last few months as J and went through this trial of cancer again and thought about how much closer we had become. I came to realize that it was not because he had cancer but because we were constantly serving each other. I was always concerned with him and how he felt and making sure his bandages were changed daily that his port was flushed and other things. He was always checking up on me making sure I had the breaks I needed. Making sure I got to do something for myself and was never thinking about himself even though he was sicker than sick at times. And because we were busy thinking about the other person, the little things didn't bug us. I think of how easy it is to love our children unconditionally but how hard is it to love your spouse or significant other unconditionally? As hard as these trials have been I'm grateful to know that before J died we both felt that unconditional love for one another. That there wasn't any question in either one of our minds about how we felt for one another. Cancer could have easily torn us apart if we had let it. But we chose to take it head on and make something good out of it. I miss J today. It seems like I can go for a few days without feeling like my world was torn apart, today was just kind of different. I half expected the phone to ring and hear his voice on the other line. But no matter how much I miss him I will always know how much he loves me and the kids and he proved that to me over and over again by serving me and never complaining about how hard his life was. For that I'm forever grateful. I'm grateful that he was able to feel my love for him as I served him and if I had to do it all over again I would...

My Daddy Rides A Harley

Yesterday as K and walked into a book store she looked over at a Harley motorcycle, pointed and said "Dada". I looked over and saw this bike parked there and kinda chuckled to myself wondering if she did see her daddy or if it was just a weird coincidence. See, J loved Harleys he really wanted to get one once everything was good and he had a clean bill of health. K doesn't know this... she is way to young to know that her dad loved motorcycles and has never really heard us talk about them. J never pointed them out to her either. We went about our business and walked back out of the bookstore. The bike still sat there and once again K started pointing this time getting more excited as she shouted "Dada, Dada!" I continued to walk with her and she continued to watch and say "Dada". We go to the car and I put her in the car and she seemed to be looking at someone who wasn't there. She continued to say "Dada" until I got into the car and drove off. I drove past the bike once more telling her to look out the window and no response from her as we passed the motorcycle. I turned and asked her if she had seen her Daddy and she responded by shaking her head yes... I think he visits her the most... maybe cause she is Daddy's girl or maybe cause she is so close to the veil... either way I love that she is able to feel his presence and know he's there. It makes the hard days a little less hard.

Being A Single Mom

I've always thought highly of single moms.... I never wanted to be one. I always thought they had so much on their plate. Now I know what it feels like to have more on my plate than I care to eat. I knew the feeling slightly when J would travel and sometimes be gone for a week at a time. But I always knew he'd be coming back home. I'd be able to call him up everyday and we'd talk about whatever... sometimes nothing at all. I've come to realize that being a single mom is so much harder than anyone ever thinks. You get the kids up and ready for the day, You feed them breakfast, lunch and dinner, make sure they are bathed and put to bed at hopefully a decent hour... (I'm still working on this one). You pay all the bills, do the grocery shopping, take out the dishes and do the laundry. You make sure the trash is taken out and pushed to the curb. You make the meals and clear the table. You read the bedtime stories and tuck the kids in at night. You sit alone and watch tv. Wishing that for just one night your husband could be sitting there next to you... just to put his arm around you and say... " I know you've had a hard day but, you are doing a great job". Sometimes I think we take for granted all the things that our significant other does for us. The sacrifices that they make for us. The things they do big or small. Oh, how I wish to just be able to be slightly irritate cause J left a wrapper on the floor. Don't take for granted those in your life right now. Be grateful for where you are in your life.... A friend of mine said "I know you are frustrated, but give your kids a hug, things will turn around.." I know tomorrow is another day. And today will just be another notch in my belt. Another day without J, and I miss him so much but I become a stronger person everyday... I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father has a lot of faith in me. I never in a million years would have pegged myself as someone who could be strong enough to do this. But, I'll do it... cause someone, no at least 2 people up there have faith in me that I can do this and I'm betting that J's one of them...

Just Some Spare Change...

Is all it takes. Just a few coins here and there. I've been meaning to post this video of C from back on Oct. 28th the day before our worlds were turned upside down. It means a lot to me... His school was collecting spare change to donate to cancer research and so I was collecting the spare change we had around the house. When C asked me what I was doing I told him and he ran upstairs without saying a word and came down the stairs with his bank with a few dollars in change that he had earned doing chores around the house. He didn't even think twice about wanting to donate all his "fun" money so that the doctors could find a cure and be able to give his daddy the medicine he needed. I think if everyone went around and collected their spare change they'd be surprised how much they could make a difference. Take that spare change and donate it. If everyone took just a dollar in change that they found lying around the house and donated it you'd be so surprised at how big of a difference it would make. Help us find a cure so that kids like C & K won't have to loose a parent. Your spare change could change someone's world for the better.

2 Weeks

2 weeks has gone by since J passed away. 2 weeks that seems like 2 years. 2 weeks that have been the hardest and sadest of my life. 2 weeks were I've had moments of felt J's spirit around. 2 weeks were I've wanted so badly to pick up the phone and call him. 2 weeks of wishing things could have turned out different. 2 weeks of being happy and yet sad at the same time. 2 weeks of being a single mom. 2 weeks of being a widow. 2 weeks of wondering if I could really do all this. 2 weeks of feeling overwhelmed, stressed at times. 2 weeks of feeling continued peace and comfort. 2 weeks of knowing everything was going to be alright. 2 weeks of seeing J everyday through my kids. 2 weeks of finding him in them. 2 weeks of knowing he'll love us forever. 2 weeks has past and I'm stronger because of these 2 weeks. Thank you for the continuous prayers for me and my kids. I know we couldn't have survived these last 2 weeks without the love, prayers and support of everyone. 2 weeks seems like a lifetime.

Good Days & Bad Days

I know there will always be good days and bad days... Tuesday was well, a bad day. I was feeling the effects of a broken heart and just didn't know what to do. I had taken C & K to a Veteran's Day parade with some people in the ward. My first adventure with the kids knowing I wouldn't have J to talk to if things went completely wrong. The parade went alright despite C sitting there throwing rocks or running off to the point that I'd start to slightly panic. Afterwards a few of us went out to eat with the kids and I thought ok I don't normally do this because you have to tag team C and J was always with me if I took the kids to lunch just for that reason. C was crazy at lunch and K a perfect angel as usual. By 2pm I had enough and was ready to leave I told C it was time to go and the meltdown began. By the time I had both kids in the car I was in tears and just couldn't take anymore. Usually I'd call up J and tell him about my day and what had gone wrong. But, I couldn't, and I felt jipped, that all these other women could call their husbands and talk to them and tell them what their kids had been doing today. I had to sit back and take it. I couldn't even talk to C on the way home, I was so upset. I heard him talking softly to himself in the backseat and after a few min. I heard him say "Mom, I want to apologize, I know you miss dad, I will try and be a better boy. I'm sorry I made you sad." This is so not like C. I believe he was talking to J. That J told him that he needed to say sorry and be better. It was what I needed. Although my day went smoother I still missed J and couldn't get over that feeling. We ended the night with both kids and I snuggled up in J's quilt and K fast asleep. By the time I went to bed that night I finally felt a little bit better. I know J was there trying to comfort C in my time of need. Trying to help me out the only way he knew how or could help out. I know there are going to be many more bad days where I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But, I'll get through them and tomorrow is always a new day. Thankfully Wednesday was a good day...

Coming Home

Coming home has been a little harder than I thought. I walked in the door this afternoon with both kids one wanting to play games and the other screaming at the top of her lungs for who knows what reason and me feeling stressed out to the max feeling like I didn't know what to do and that I couldn't do this on my own. I couldn't make K happy no matter what I did and couldn't find the cord so that C could play a game on the tv. I sat in J's office and just cried. C came in and said " I know you miss Dad, its gonna be ok." The same phrase that I've said to him many times. He told me that he wished he had 100 arms so that he could help me but he only had 2 arms and that he would try and help me. Soon after I found the cords and C was happily playing and K had finally found something to make herself happy. Later on I was in our room sorting laundry and working on getting everything organized. K all of a sudden started saying "bed, bed" and she has never said this word before. I picked her up intending to put her on the MADE bed to find that the sheets and comforter had been FOLDED down the way that J and I always folded it down just before bed. I know the bed was made when I came home this afternoon and put everything in our room. It was his way of letting me know that he was there, watching over us, letting me know that everything was going to be ok. Normally this probably would have freaked me out but because the bed was folded in such a way I knew it wasn't anyone else but him. I know that there wasn't anything else he could have done for me to know that it was him, that he had been there. I would have blown it off like oh I had put something there or over looked that object and now here it is. He knew the only thing he could do to make me know that he was there, was to do something so sweet and simple as folding down the sheets to the bed we used to share...

You Never Think....

You never think that at your age you'll be planing a funeral... let alone a funeral for your spouse. It just doesn't seem real. I still feel like I should wake up at any moment and J will be alive. Sitting there to talk to me. Telling me I look beautiful today even though my hair is a mess and I don't have any mascara on. Telling me and the kids he loves us. Just being able to feel him wrap his arms around me. C lost his first tooth last night and I so badly wanted to call J up and say "Guess what!" and then I realized its the little things like that, that will be hard. The little milestones that I can't pick up the phone and say J, C just lost his tooth. But then I thought I'm sad that he missed out on it but you know what He probably has the best view of all. Able to see everything at a moments notice. And that made me feel a little better. And as I was putting K to bed and she and I were laying there on the bed and I say to her every night... "You know your Daddy loves you very much, and he'll always be there to watch over you." And then I asked her... Do you want to tell Daddy goodnight? And she looked up at the ceiling and started blowing him kisses and I knew that she understood as much as a 20 month old can understand. But I believe she is handling it better being so close to the veil. And I knew she was gonna be ok. That things would be ok. Thank goodness for the sweet spirit of a small child. These kids will help me get through it all. As hard as somethings maybe I'm gonna be ok.... Thank you for everyone's support and continued prayers. We love you all.


Funeral is on Sat. at 11am.
There will also be a viewing an hour prior.
There will be a viewing on Friday from 6-8pm.

Anyone wishing to make a donation to the account my Father In Law set up for the kids and I please feel free to email me at iwearyellow(at)gmail(dot)com and I will pass along the info to you.