Healing a Broken Heart in 2009

January 1st marks the start of a new year. Most people sit and make out new years resolutions, what they want to accomplish this year. Usually I'd be all about resolutions and setting goals. This year was different. I woke up knowing what day it was. Knowing that it had been 2 months since J passed. Its hard to know how I'm gonna feel on any given day. Your heart can feel happy and sad at the same time. Feel broken and healing at the same time. Feel longing and love. I feel like I'm healing and slowly moving on. That life is gonna be good. That 2009 is going to bring nothing but happiness for me, for my kids for everyone. That J is up there looking out for me. Knowing what I need and making sure I'm being taken care of. Whether its sending someone my way to help me out with the kids or someone to talk to. I know J has a hand in it. He's guiding those who serve us, those who love us, those who just think about us and pray for us on a daily basis. I know he's up there watching over us, loving us just as much as the day he was here on this earth. Time doesn't exist up in heaven. Its a blink of an eye. Some days I wish I could blink my eyes and time wouldn't matter. That I wouldn't have to hear... it just takes time, because sometime you just feel that you don't want to wait for time. That you wish time would speed up and everything would be "perfect" again. But, I know that's not how things work. Things take time to heal, to grow, to become and I'm starting to be ok with that. And for me that's a huge thing. Starting to feel normal again. Not really sure what normal is, but I'm starting to feel happy again. That I can do this no matter how hard somedays are. I'm doing it and "growing up". Strange to be 29 and just now feeling like I'm growing up. I've had J by my side for almost 10 years to help me with so much stuff that I'm now learning how to take care of things on my own and it feels good. I don't see it as a burden because I can't look at it as that. I have to look at it as something I'd have to do if he was sick or out of town or in the hospital. And as long as I keep optimistic I can handle most things. I have my days and they are becoming further apart. I don't know if it is because I'm healing my broken heart and J's helping me a long with that or what. But I know that he's always looking out for us and that is something I will never ever forget and will be forever grateful for.