Something to Remember Forever

Most people, I think when they lay in bed awake not being able to sleep, lie there thinking of what they could be doing, what needs to be done while they lay there searching for sleep. I however, find myself "writing" in my head. Spewing out words that should land on paper or (screen) and yet often times they end up somewhere in the universe of my mind, floating around till the next time I find myself unable to sleep. I once heard from someone that they like to just say what they mean because you can say something and people will hear it and forget it. If you write it down then it can be read over and over again and not be forgotten, its out there forever. Ingrained into someone's mind. I'm the opposite. I like to write things down. Write what I'm thinking. Send it into forever. Make it a lasting memory, something you can pull from the recesses of your mind. There's no changing the words around. Its there for you to read again. Once written, it doesn't change. I'm often reminded of the day before J crashed. It was my birthday, I went to see him. He didn't remember it was my birthday but he was happy to see me. He wasn't able to talk. Only write. And the thing is I'm not sure I'd remember everything he would have said to me the last time he talked to me. Maybe it was better that things were written down if you will. With his white board the last thing he ever wrote to me was "I love you" as I left his hospital room. Months later after J passed I still had that white board. Words worn away and not really able to see what was written there, but I knew. I could still see a few letters from the simple and last words I was ever to read from him. Wishing I had more than just a mental image left of those words. Don't get me wrong, if he had been able to say "I love you" I'd still treasure those words as his last words to me but he wrote them. Something ingrained into my heart forever. Which brings me to more thoughts. Thoughts that need to be written down for my kids to read someday. Thoughts that need to not only be told, said out loud but recorded to be ingrained. To never be forgotten. K was 15 months old when J started to feel the effects of the cancer taking over his body once again, A is just a week shy of that 15 month mark. I see pictures of K at that age with J hanging on the girls bedroom wall and I look at them and look at A and see so many similarities between the two girls. It often takes me back to that time, seeing A wear something that K used to wear causes flash backs. Makes me anxious to know how I'm going to see A at 19 months old, the same age as K when J passed away. Will there be reminder? Everytime A is taken out of her crib she points to the pictures of J on the wall. One in particular where he has hair. She smiles and babbles something as though she's telling us she knows J. I have know doubt that she knows him personally, just like C & K had the opportunity to know J. She met him in Heaven no doubt. He probably prepped her to come down here to this family. Knew she was meant to be part of our forever family. She senses that familiarity about him. Although as she grows she'll forget why she knows who he is and that they've met before. He'll become part of the stories she hears but as though he's an uncle she's never met. I know J's up there prepping the next little one that's due to enter our forever family in Sept. telling him or her stories, gearing him or her up for the life that they'll be living here on earth. I wish A could talk, tell me what he's told her. What she knows so that I could write it down for her. So she could remember it forever. But, its not possible. I can only write what I've experienced with her. Before J entered the hospital in Oct. of 2008, I kept getting a feeling that someone was missing. I kept pushing it off thinking how strange this feeling was, knowing what our future held at that moment. Drs., hospitals and getting J back on the path of health. A baby was NOT in our future. It just wasn't something I saw as happening and thought it was weird that I would be given that feeling. Fast forward to April of 2009, I was about to marry T and that feeling came back full force. Someone was missing. T would tell me that it was him since we lived hours apart. I knew it wasn't that. I had, had this feeling before. A was still waiting for her chance to come to earth. J was with her prepping her, getting her ready. Being her angel in Heaven. I feel blessed that my kids have each had a chance to be "prepped" by J. Some here on earth and the other two in Heaven. Its amazing to see the veil so thin with the little ones and hard to see it fade as they get older. Wishing that they could keep it thin just so they could always have that connection with J and Heaven. There are days I know that the veil thins just enough so we can still feel him, feel him watching over us or walking beside us. I feel blessed that J is constantly helping T out in someway. Helping him to know what to do with this crazy family that got left behind. I'm grateful for T for always keeping J in his mind and constantly thinking of what J would want him to do. He's a wonderful man and J and Heavenly Father knew what they were doing when they sent not only T to me but A as well. We've been extremely blessed and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for that. I have my constant reminders to look at everyday. And that's something to write about. Something to send into forever.

Families Are Forever

I've always hated giving talks or even speeches. I often try my hardest to get out of them. I was asked to give a talk and although I kept resisting it I kept coming back to the topic of Families are Forever and kept getting the impression that I needed to speak. I'd much rather hide behind my computer and type away. Express my thoughts and feelings that way. So for those of you who didn't get to hear me talk you get to read...

Elder Robert D. Hales Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said;
The fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ brings great comfort in stressing times of mortality. It brings light where there is darkness and a calming influence where there is turmoil. It gives eternal hope where there is mortal despair. It is more than just beautiful doctrine. It is a reality in our lives that if we can be obedient and obtain the eternal rewards that God grants us, if we will draw nigh unto Him and embrace the eternal doctrine, we will be blessed.

“And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life … and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever” (D&C 132:19).

As taught in this scripture, an eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities. The family relationships we have here on this earth are important, but they are much more important for their effect on our families for generations in mortality and throughout all eternity.

By divine commandment, spouses are required to love each other above all others. The Lord clearly declares, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). The proclamation states: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families [see D&C 83:2–4; 1 Tim. 5:8]. [By divine design,] mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” By divine design, husband and wife are equal partners in their marriage and parental responsibilities. By direct commandment of God, “parents have a sacred duty … to teach [their children] to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens [in the countries where they reside]” .

For as long as I can remember my favorite hymn has been Families Can Be Together Forever. I loved the words and meaning the song has. I never really truly took it to heart until just two years ago...
November 1, 2008. I sat in a hospital room. My chair pulled up to my husband's bed. A breathing machine was keeping him alive for the time being. I watched his chest rise and fall with each pump of the machine. Feeling J's spirit come and go. I sat with my son C, then 5 years old and daughter K, 19 months old. Alone in the room. Just the 4 of us. It was quiet except for the slow hum of the machines. I held back the tears. Not sure what or how to say what I knew I needed to say to these two innocent children. How could they possibly understand what I was about to tell them. I know C had, had lessons on the plan of salvation and the eternal family in primary but how much does a 5 year old really understand? Finally I knew we couldn't sit in silence anymore. I had to speak. I spoke close to C's ear. Almost at a whisper, I said, Dad is going to be going to Heaven in a little bit. C looks at his dad and says, to live with Jesus? Yes, I replied softly. He's going to live with Jesus and Heavenly Father. Still choking back the tears, I told him that he won't be living with us anymore. But, he'd still get to see us, just from Heaven. C sat there quietly for a moment and then turned to me with a sadness and desperation in his voice and said, but then we won't be a family of 4 anymore! We will just be a family of 3. I looked at this sweet child and told him, we will ALWAYS be a family of 4. That will never change. When your dad and I got married we got married in the Temple. We were sealed for all eternity. That means that as long as we endure to the end, when we all get to heaven, we will be together as a family again. He looked at me and seemed to understand. K reached up with her little bear in her tiny hands and placed it on the bed next to her dad. She seemed to understand too and that was the only thing she knew to do to comfort her dad. It was her way of saying its going to be ok. I forced back the tears and hugged my kids. I lifted each one of them and they kissed their dad goodbye, not forever but just for the time we are apart on earth. We sat in that quiet room for a while longer. I asked my son if he wanted to sing to his dad. He told me he didn't know what to sing and I asked him how about I'm a Child of God. I started him out and stopped when he started to sing. I sat and listened and watched as this sweet child sang those words to his dad. It was the last thing he could do for him while he was still on this earth. The spirit was so sweet and strong and I felt the peace that could only come from the knowledge I have of eternal families. I know without this knowledge I wouldn't have been able to feel that comfort and peace. I would feel lost and alone as I told my husband goodbye. I am grateful that I was brought up in this gospel. That I was taught about the eternal plan of salvation. That I was sealed in the Temple for time and all Eternity. That I am able to teach my children that Families are Forever. I'm eternally grateful to my loving Heavenly Father who has sent me two amazing husbands who love and support me. I'm grateful to my wonderful husband, T for his constant love, faith and support and continuation of our eternal family. I'm grateful for this gospel and for this ward that has loved us, and has given me and my family the support that we needed. I have a testimony of eternal families and am grateful that because of my trials I am able to pass that knowledge along. And I'm eternally grateful that Families are Forever.

Balloons Heaven Bound

Oct. 7th, 2010: 2 years ago we were celebrating with J his 31st birthday, little did we know that it would be the last one we'd celebrate here on earth. This year we sent balloons to heaven again, difference this year was that K actually asked questions about where the balloons were going, asked if she could go see Daddy in heaven. Those kind of things tear at my heart strings. I love how excited they get to send those balloons. Its become a tradition to go pick out balloons, one for each kid and head to the cemetery. This year was also a little different, J's grandma passed away in June and is buried next to J. While at the store C asked if we could get a balloon to send to heaven to Great Grandma H. too. I thought it was so sweet that he'd think of her too and remember that she was there next to his dad. We took the balloons, took pictures of the kids and let them go. They went in the same direction as last year. Guess that's just the way they head on their way to heaven. After the cemetery we headed to Great Grandpa H's house to meet up with all of J's family to celebrate what would have been his 33rd birthday and all of the Oct. birthday's as well. I had been fine most of the day until I walked into Grandpa H's house. I was over come with emotion and couldn't stop crying. I think the more people I saw the harder I tried not to cry but I couldn't help but cry. But, soon I was ok. I started to think back to how I was last year and realized how far I've come in a year. I'm stronger than I was a year ago at this time. Strange how time continues to pass. I continue to heal and yet that girl, the one that went through all of this seems like she's someone else. Someone who I've somehow felt her pain, felt her loss, her sorrow and cried her tears and yet at the same time it was me. Me who experienced all the heartache, the pain the loss, the tears, the sorrow and cried all those millions of tears. Me who spent those lonely nights laying in bed, crying myself to sleep at times. I don't hurt like I used to. I've made it past all those firsts and I'm on to my 2nds and 3rds. And how much further I'll be in just another year, and another as the years continue to pass. I don't hate time, I'm not scared of it anymore. I still have anxiety from time to time but not like I used to. That was something I didn't talk about. I kept it to myself and just figured it was part of the loss. I know that's what caused it. I couldn't wake up on any given day and not have anxiety. I just didn't know where my life was going to be headed that day and that scared me. I've learned to take one day at a time. Not stress about the little things. Learned to accept life and that I'm gonna have my ups and downs that life is crazy busy and ever changing but I'm loving it. Pieces of my old life fade into the background as my new life emerges. And those important pieces of my old life merge into my new life and continue to shine bright. And that's how it should be! C (7 years old now) is in the 1st grade and reads at a 3rd grade level. He's loving school and has just started taking piano lessons at the school. He's still got the biggest heart of any kid I know. He's always there to ask me why I'm sad and crying or just to put his arm around me and tell me its going to be ok. K (3.5 years) started preschool and is such a chatterbox. I'm sure J's up there just laughing at the things she says. She just asks about a million questions in a 2 min time frame. She's full of life and loves to dance and talk to anyone who will listen. Baby A (8 months old) has started saying dada and cruises the furniture like crazy. She does the army man crawl, kinda looks like she's wounded when she does it but has become so fast at it. As for T & I we are going strong & loving life. We are having quiet the adventures, big and small & although life is crazy with 3 kids, we wouldn't have it any other way. Life is constantly changing, but for once I'm up for change. Ready to face it head on!

18 months

Its been 18 months & 24 days since I was thrown into a new life. Being a widow and a single mom. Something I never had imagined or dreamed of. Something I NEVER wanted to experience. Who would choose such a fate?! The first 2 weeks I tried so hard to be strong. Be strong for my kids. For everyone. I finally got to the point I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be met someone to help me be strong. I never was looking for him, anyone, or anything. He just happened to be there when I needed him most. That's when I met T. He was on the outside of the whole situation. He didn't know me or what happened to me over the past 3 years. He was genuinely nice and understanding. Not some guy trying to take advantage of a single newly widowed mom of 2. A shoulder to cry on and someone to carry me when I could no longer walk. So T and I talked, and talked A LOT. I told no one really about him except one person who I thought supported me only to tell me to ditch him and that it was too soon. You may wonder why I'm even writing this, but I feel like its time to "come clean" if you will. I'm tired of feeling like I failed people in someway by moving forward "so soon". For not being there for everyone else. I just couldn't do it. I so desperately wanted nothing but true happiness again. I found that in T. He made me happy and in turn my kids were happy. It made me see that they needed that father in their lives. Someone they could look up to and be around EVERY DAY. I knew I'd be judged, so I kept T a secret for a few months until I told my family, close friends and J's family. (and now the world wide web 18 months later) I braced myself to be judged, possibly harshly. See people have this thing, that they know what is best for the situation I was put in, when they've never been in my shoes. I didn't expect to get support at all. I was never trying to replace J, just find what made me happy again and T was just that. I was surprised at the support I received, and at the same time saddened at those that didn't support me when I knew they knew what it was like to be judged by others for the choices they had made. Some have come around, granted it took them a year, and sadly some have not and may never come around. And that's ok. I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm grateful. I knew Heavenly Father was guiding me to make the choices I was making. I prayed about them, people doubted me. I prayed about T. They doubt him. Doubted us. I still chose to be happy and marry T. Had I listened to even one person who didn't like the choices I was making I would be missing out on so much. Including this sweet spirit that has been brought into our home and family. (Baby A)


If I had to do everything over again. I would in a heartbeat. A thousand times over again. T's an amazing dad to my kids and I'm, no we are so lucky to have him in our lives. He's always said he isn't trying to replace J, just pick up where he left off. Why am I writing this now? Because, I feel like its time. Time to pack things up, finish wrapping things up, really move forward and not hide in the dark. Let EVERYONE know why I'm happy. I'm sorry if you felt I moved forward too soon, no one knows how it feels but those in my shoes and its still a personal choice. You do what you have to in order to find that true happiness again. Being a single mom is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm grateful for those trials in my life. It lead me to T and him to me. I'm grateful to those who supported me and still do, those who didn't and still don't. I'm grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father and J that love me so much that he sent me my angel to guide me here on earth while my other angel keeps an eye on me from Heaven. There is no one as lucky as us....

Missing J

Its almost 4am & here I am wide awake, unable to find sleep. A million thoughts running through my head. Finding myself thinking things over & over. Replaying the last time I saw J alive in my head, what I said & how even though 15 months has past its so vivid in my mind & everytime I meet someone new & I end up telling my story, I can't help but cry. I find myself now thinking about J, missing him. I miss talking to him & hearing his stupid jokes he thought were hilarious but really weren't. I miss hearing his laugh & seeing him smile when K would snuggle in close to him. I miss watching him & C play a video game together. I don't normally admit that I miss him, at least not out loud. Maybe I want to prove I'm stronger than I really am. Maybe I don't want to admit it cause it makes me look emotional & vunerable & I don't like that. I'm told I wear my emotions on my sleeve & that's kind of a hard pill for me to swallow cause I tend to not like to talk about my emotions or how I feel, cause I see it as a weakness in me. Easier for me to "pretend" that I'm okay, yet I'm easily seen through & it makes me feel vunerable. Maybe I don't admit that I miss J cause I don't want to be vunerable, or make others feel uncomfortable because I'm liable to burst into tears. But, right now I don't care to be strong, I'd rather admit that ya, I'm missing him & I know I always will, just sometimes it will be stronger than others & that's okay, admitting it might just be another step towards my healing & my growth as a person. And that's okay with me.

2010: A New Year, a New Start

As I sit & reflect back over the past year I'm still in amazement that I've made it this far. Hard to imagine for me, for anyone that has been or will be placed in my shoes. I think about all the learning & growth & trials that have come this past year, & stigmatisms you have to surpass as being a single mom placed with the widow label. Figuring out my new role, sometimes hating my new found life & struggling to find that balance to be able to stand on my own two feet. Trying to deal with the ups & downs of life & keeping the kids happy & teach them about life going on despite any trails that come our way. I don't look back on 2009 as one that I regret or dislike because I've grown so much in the past 12 months & there were a lot of good things that came out of 2009 as well. I've survived many 1st's without J, I know he was there but him not being there physically was hard on my heart at times& seeing C's heart break one night because he missed his dad & I couldn't do a thing about it but tell him its ok to cry because I miss him too & cry when I see his picture. And although there was heartbreak in 2009 I couldn't say I'd change a thing because I've been blessed in so many ways that I can see now & know that I will continue to be blessed in so many ways. Its helped me reach out to others in my situation & be able to let them know that everything will be ok & work out. Hard as it maybe at the time, there are special angels watching over us in Heaven & here on earth. Although it may sound strange or even a little crazy, I am truly thankful for everything 2009 brought me, cause in the end I gained so much more than I could ever wish or hope for. So I know, no matter what trials 2010 may bring us, life is good & still goes on & J is watching over us giving us that push we need when we feel like we just can't do it anymore & want to give up. I can hear him saying "shake it up", so that's what we are going to do, not get stuck in the past but continue to move forward & shake life up! 2010 will be an amazing year...

Not a Day Goes By...

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my life, J & where I was just a year ago. The thoughts the feelings. The hurt, the loss. Its still there, not as strong as last year but I still feel it. That feeling of loosing someone that had been there for so long & at times you know is still there you just can't see them anymore but sometimes their spirit is so overwhelmingly strong right there beside you when you need them most. This past year has been anything but easy. Its come with new trials, me learning my role as a mom & main parent. Trying to find that happiness I once had & trying to fight off the hurt from others judging me & my choices, losing good friends because of those choices & them not agreeing with them. I often think about how I've made it thus far. I know I couldn't have made it with out the help of my Father in Heaven who's guided me to where I needed to be, who's helped prompt me in what I needed to do despite how hard it maybe or what opposition I may face. Sometimes I want to run far away. Where no one knows my story, no one knows what I've experienced & I'm just another girl they've met on the street. But because of my experiences I've been able to feel that compassion for others put in my situation, tried to lift them up & encourage them to keep going. That in a year they will be able to look back just like I have been able to and see how much they've grown & learned from all of this. I don't know if it makes a difference but maybe its more for me than for them. To help me continue to heal & keep me close to my Heavenly Father & J.

1 Year... Stronger and So Blessed

I can't believe I've made it to the one year mark... feels sort of like a milestone. A year ago I never saw me getting to this place... at least not in one piece. Didn't think I could make it on my own without J. The thing about Nov. 1st is that I remember that day as a peaceful one, at least for me. I remember talking to the doctors and them telling me, J's parents and my parents that there just was too much brain damage and that there just was no way that he was coming back. I was left with a huge decision but it was an easy one because I knew J wouldn't want to continue on that way. I knew what I had to do and all I wanted was for whoever wanted to, that they come and say goodbye before I had them take him off the ventilator. I knew the road ahead wasn't going to be easy but I still had that peace with me. I hated the fact that I needed the kids to come say goodbye to their dad and trying to explain things to C wasn't the easiest of tasks especially because he just didn't get it. I hated that they had to see their dad with the tubes down his throat when just 11 days before they had said goodbye to him before he went to the hospital and to them he looked perfectly fine. I didn't want them to remember seeing him that way (and luckily I don't think C does at all.) But I couldn't just not let them say goodbye. I remember being in the room with J but knowing that his spirit wasn't there at times and that it was getting so close to the time that I'd have to tell the nurse to turn off the machine and take out the tube. I remember saying goodbye to him one last time. I remember all the family gathered around his bed as he passed on. I remember the tears and the heartache that was felt in the room. I remember my dad taking me back into the room a few hours after J had passed to have me look at him and seeing a small smile on his face. Knowing that he was gone but no longer in pain. I knew that part of my trial was over but it was just the beginning of a new life for me, a new trial. I wasn't worried or scared. I knew that I would be taken care of. I never have doubted that. Never will. I know me and the kids will always be looked over and taken care of. I learned to accept my life for what it was. I wasn't and am not angry for the direction my life has gone. I've been blessed because of this trial. I've grown in ways that I couldn't have had I not lost my husband and best friend. I've learned that my happiness doesn't depend on how others feel about me and my choices. I have every right to be happy. I've learned you can't judge people. And not to worry about people judging me. I've learned that being a single mom is so much harder than people think, and having J work out of town a lot never prepared me as much as I thought it would have. I've learned that I'm lucky in so many ways. That I'm truly blessed beyond measure. I've learned that I can't EVER ask why because I have that faith in HIS timing. I've learned that J is always with us. Always watching over us, and still speaks to our hearts, especially C's. I've learned how to do things I've never done before. Simple things that most of us take for granted when someone else always does them for you. I've learned that no matter how much time goes by the pain is still there lurking inside of you, it does lessen to some degree but its still there. I've learned to handle the pain, accept it as part of my healing process. I've learned that its ok to cry when I walk into C or K's room and see J's picture of him smiling there. I've learned that no one can tell me how long to grieve, how to grieve or when to grieve. That it is all up to me. I've learned that everyone handles their grief in their own way on their own time table. I've learned that I can't live in denial, its a bad place for me. I've learned that time isn't my enemy, although sometimes I still struggle with this at times. I've learned to put my happiness first despite what others may think. I've learned that life is too short to care what others think about me. I've learned that life isn't about holding in every single thing that someone did or said to hurt me, that I need to let go of those things and love where my life is NOW and where it is headed. I've learned to laugh again. I've learned to find the joy in the things my kids do instead of being sad that J wasn't there physically to see it happen. I've learned that there are still good people out there in this world. That despite never having met you or just having met you would sit and let you cry on their shoulder or give you a helping hand if you need it. I've learned that when C blurts out that his dad died to a complete stranger that its ok to just smile through the tears and that everything is ok. I've learned that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I've learned to never take for granted the nice things someone says to me. The encouragement someone gives me. I've learned to say I love you... every day every time to those I love. I've learned that you can't live this life with regrets. That I need to live to my fullest potential and I know I have a long way to go. I've learned that the fight up in Heaven is strong and getting stronger every day. And they have one of the best up there now. I've learned that its ok to move forward. I've learned that every day is full of some sort of challenge, its up to me to figure out how to make it or break it. I've learned that even if I feel as though I've failed in someway today that its ok because I still tried and I can start again tomorrow. I've learned that I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. That He's always there. I've learned that its ok to make mistakes, I just need to learn from them. I've learned that everyday I had with J was a gift. That everything that him and I went through was just to help prepare the way for everything else I've experienced. I've learned that both people in a relationship should know everything that is going on in the household, just in case of something happening. I've learned that you are ALWAYS stronger than you think. And I've learned that things that just about kill you make you so much stronger than you'd ever be with out them. I've learned that out of my trials have come so many blessings. I've learned that this is my cross to bear despite how hard it is to carry it sometimes. I've learned to be grateful, for time, for trials, for everything that has happened in the past year. Be it hard or easy. Not much has come easy but I've become stronger and who I am because of this past year. I know there have been days that I thought time would never pass. The heartache would never lessen. That the days wouldn't get easier for me. November 1, 2008 changed my life in a way I never expected. I've learned and grown so much because of this trial Heavenly Father has given me. Many blessings have come because of this trial. I wouldn't be the person I am without having gone through what I've gone through. And most of all I've learned more than ever to be GRATEFUL for everything and everyone that has ever touched my life or my kids lives. Grateful for those who have come into my life because of the things that have happened. Blessed by them being in my life. I've survived the first year. I've come out stronger.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

2 weeks have almost past since J's Birthday. That day was a hard day for me. Seemed like all I did was cry. Any little thought could set me off and I felt like a complete mess. It was hard to think of what things were like just a year ago. Remembering what J's birthday was like that year and how happy he was despite the fact that he knew in just 13 short days he'd be in the hospital to start the stem cell treatments. I think part of him was just excited to get it done and beat and to get it all over with. I think back and see what a whirlwind of a life I've lived since Oct. 7th of 2008. How much my life changed, and continues to change. After C got out of school we went and each kid picked out a balloon to send up to heaven for J. C picked a yellow smiley face
& K a balloon that said Happy Birthday. The kids then wrote their names on pieces of paper that I tied to each of their balloons. C only wanted to write his name. That way his dad would know that balloon was from him. K scribbled something that I'm sure J would completely understand. They always had a special bond and always will. I had each kid let their balloon go one at a time so we could watch them disappear into the sky. It didn't take long before we could no longer see them. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I seemed to have gotten most of it out of my system. It was more of a happy feeling to watch the kids let their balloons go and see how excited especially C was to be able to do that since he had been wondering how J would get his presents being up in heaven. I still struggle with that. Its hard to explain that to a 6 year old. Everything seems to be black and white to them at that age and yet things can be complicated to me and he see it so clearly. I think the best gift J gets is that he sees his kids everyday. He sees that we are living our lives and moving forward. That life is good. He sees how inquisitive C is and how much K is growing and coming along. That she loves to dance to her own rhythm and sometimes I think she does it just for J. Later that night we went to J's parents house to celebrate the life he lived. Everyone was given a yellow balloon and those that wanted to say something about J did so and let their balloon go. Others just let their balloons go in his memory. It was good for everyone. Helped in the healing process. C & K got to blow out the candles on the cake. We had brought mugs that J had collected from various places and let family pick out a mug to keep in his memory along with his sticker I had made for the funeral to place on the bottom of the mugs to remember him by. Despite the heartache and the tears, October 7, 2009 was a good day. A good day to remember J and the life he lived and to remember to always "Shake it Up".

Come Help Us Celebrate

With J's birthday quickly approaching we wanted to hold a celebration of his life on his birthday. Everyone wishing to help celebrate his life is more than welcome. (Let me know if you need directions.) iwearyellow@gmail.com

Shaping Who I Am....

Its strange to think in just a matter of days 11 months will have gone by and I find myself wondering how I'm going to feel when that day comes. Oct 29th... Am I going to be reliving everything that I went through up till the day he passed away? Will all those emotions come flooding back? Will I be as strong as I was a year ago? Or will I be stronger? I've been looking back at pictures from last year's October & looking at the pictures from the last day we all spent together as a family. It wasn't anything super special. It was a Sunday the day before J was to go into the hospital for his stem cell treatment. We carved a pumpkin with the kids & went trick or treating with his nieces & nephews around his parents neighborhood. His mom had set that up so J could see his kids trick or treat since he'd be in the hospital. We had no idea what lay ahead of us. We seemed to be happy go lucky... With the attitude that J always kept up " let's just get this done & beat". I think that helped both of us to be strong. Knowing that this trial of cancer would be short lived & life would go on. I remember that night after the kids got to bed J staying up late to make sure I'd have everything I'd need to run the house on my own. Passwords to accounts, my computer backed up, photos backed up & saved & he even had a Halloween card for the kids. At the time I really didn't think much of it. I kept telling him that he needed to get to bed & get his rest but he'd insist that he just had one more thing he had to do. He didn't want to leave me without having done certain things. I'm grateful that he had that insight to do what he did. Those 11 days he spent in the hospital were some of the hardest, saddest but there where happy moments too like when he got his stem cells back. I can still hear his voice & remember how he acted when they drugged him in order to give him back his cells. It still makes me smile. Its hard to think that just a few days later I got that c dreaded phone call that flipped our lives upside down. I've spent so much time lately thinking about how I felt, how I coped with things just weeks & months after his passing. Remembering the loneliness I felt. No matter how many people are around you, you still feel like you are walking in a fog. This isn't your reality & any day you are gonna get a call from him telling you he's all better & come pick him up at the hospital. But you never get that call & the days pass & things slowly get easier. You start to heal. You get stronger with every breath you take every step you take even if you take two steps backwards. 11 months passes & you start to look back at those pictures & remember those memories & I feel like its a different girl. My kids look so little, so fragile. I feel like I'm peeking in on someone else's life and in a way I am. Almost like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon ready or not but out facing the world. Just trying to make it one day at a time & finding other trials along the way that form & shape who I am.... Who I am becoming. Seeing my kids grow & thrive & seeing them happy & oh so grown up. That's been my blessing from all of this. Seeing that they are still happy despite what they lost. And they may have lost oh so much more than I did but they don't ever forget how much J still loves them. At the beginning I didn't want to look forward to where my life might go but now I can't wait to see where life takes us... Knowing that no matter where it takes us J is still there by our sides watching over us & guiding us to where we should be headed. I realize that if I get weak if I start to feel like I can't make it through anything J & my angel will be there by my side to lift me up & I have nothing to fear.

Heartache, Pain and Growth That Comes With It

I'm sitting here watching the cursor blink, not really knowing what to write. Feeling so many emotions. Feeling heartache for someone I've never even met. Never even heard her story. And feeling that flood of emotion that I'm sure she's experiencing right now. Remembering the day J passed away and realizing that I never really wrote my story down about the day J passed away. Something that I need for my kids to be able to read someday. Strange how even though almost 10 months have passed, I can bring back that day like it happened just minutes ago. Those thoughts and memories, feelings and heartache brought to the surface so quickly, so fresh. Wed.,October 29, 2008: I got a call around 11am as I was getting ready to head out the door to drop K at the babysitters and C off at school to head out to see J, the nurse at the hospital telling me that I needed to get to the hospital and then click... phone disconnected... I tried desperately to find the number of the hospital to call back and find out what was going on. My cell phone rang and it was the doctor telling me that something has happened to J. I need to get to the hospital asap. I remember getting in my car meeting my mom and handing off the kids to her. I was only a couple of blocks from the hospital when I rear ended someone. I remember all of a sudden my body and my spirit just separating and feeling like I was snapped back into my body when I hit the other car. No one was hurt but that cost me an extra hr before I made it to the hospital. Being put in a little room... the doctor telling J's parents and I that J had aspirated and coded. That they weren't sure how long he had been down. Maybe 5 to 20 min. A glimmer of hope? Maybe he'd be ok. He would survive and come out of it. I remember going back and forth to the bathroom to cry. Not wanting anyone to see me sob. Praying and asking that he'd be ok that I needed him, that we needed him. But I'd always end with... I'll understand. I still don't know why to this day that I'd say that. But every time it was the same. I'll understand. Thurs., October 30, 2008: I don't remember much from this day... not a lot happened but I do remember that by the end of that night I KNEW that this was it. Just a matter of time before J would be gone from this earth. I could tell when I'd be in his room when his spirit was there and when it was gone. It seemed to come and go as frequently as me or any other visitor would. I told him that night that I'd be ok. The kids would be ok and that it was ok if he had to go. Fri.,October 31, 2008: I got up that morning and went down to the hospital. They were to test J's brain waves and such and have the results soon. Still a strong heart beat but they said the meds that they were giving him were what was probably causing the brain activity and they'd do one last test Saturday morning. I spent the night at the hospital so that I could be by J one last time. Maybe part of me knew that, that would be the last night we'd spend together, I remember the hope I felt when he'd make those small movements from my cold hands touching his hand and how much he HATED when I had cold hands. That was the last glimmer of hope that I had Friday night as I drifted off to a dreamless sleep. I remember as I closed my eyes that everything was white. I'd wake up every so often as the nurses came in to check on J and I drift back off into my white state of sleep. Sat.,November 1, 2008: that morning I woke up waiting for the doctors to come in with the test results of his brain scan. I remember them taking me, my parents and J's parents into a room and sitting us down. The doctors never looking at me or talking to me directly. Always directing everything to my parents or J's parents. One doctor saying we needed to make a decision. That there was nothing more they could do for him, that it was probably his time to go. They would wait for me to let them know what I wanted to do. It was probably the hardest decision and yet the easiest decision for me to make in my whole life. J never wanted to be a vegetable and here he was not being able to live the life he wanted to live. I told everyone that if they wanted to say good bye they needed to do it that day. I knew that by the afternoon came it would be time for J to leave his earthly life behind. I remember asking the nurse if it was ok for the kids to come say goodbye to their dad. Up until this point they weren't even allowed to come on the floor and could only see their dad via web cam. I felt my heart break as I knew I'd have to let my kids see their dad one last time with tubes down his throat when just 11 days prior they saw him walk out the door somewhat healthy in their minds. Once everyone that wanted to say goodbye had come or called I took just the kids and I into J's room and sat down with them on my lap trying to hold back the tears as I explained to this 5 yr old boy that his daddy was about to go to heaven and live with Heavenly Father and Jesus. He looked at me with sad eyes and said "But then we won't be a family of 4 any more just a family of 3" I told him "No, we will always be a family of 4, That will never change. He may not live with us anymore but he will always be a apart of our family. " We sat there quiet for a few minutes and I asked C if he wanted to sing to his dad. He told me yes and I sat there with tears in my eyes as this sweet little boy sang I am A Child of God to his dad. The spirit in the room growing strong. I had the kids say good bye and my heart broke as K reached up and placed the angel bear that her dad had given her in his lap and turned to walk away. They kissed their dad goodbye and I sent them home with J's cousin. The time came and friends and family gathered in the room. The nurse came in and took out the tubes. I stood by J's side and looked at him and he opened his eyes and turned his head from right to left and stopped when he saw me. I thought you've got to be kidding me... but quickly his heart rate began to drop and I knew. I couldn't watch much more as the color drained from his face and my mom leaned over to me and said I needed to tell him goodbye. I told her I already had on Thurs and I couldn't do it again. She said I needed to let him know again. I held his hand as I stared at the bed and said I love you... we will be ok. Its ok to go. And he was gone. Just like that his spirit was gone. I bawled. I had just lost my best friend. This wasn't happening. It didn't happen. And yet I was still at peace. I'm still at peace to this day. I'm forever grateful for J and the blessing he gave me a year ago that still continues to bless my life. The blessing of peace and that I'd be able to handle everything that I'd need to handle. I've grown so much from this experience. Learned from my trials and seen the blessings that have come from them. I don't question WHY? Its not my place to. I know Heavenly Father has answers for me and when the time is right I will know WHY. But for now I'm at peace with where my life has been and where it is going. I'm healthy, happy and extremely blessed and I couldn't ask for more. I believe Heavenly Father needs these young spirits up there because the fight is getting tougher and he needs his best. J is one of his BEST.

August 11, 2008: The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

The waiting over, the last bit of hope drained from my very soul. Hearing the dreaded 6 letter word CANCER... my life, our lives, your lives changed in an instant. You can't deny it anymore. That word has been said. Shock, dismay, fear, courage, the fighter, hope. So many thoughts, feelings, fears going through my mind. Having to face my biggest fear just less than 3 months later... can't describe that feeling but it never goes away. That fear continues to live with me that anyone I know & love could be taken away from me in an instant. I don't know if remembering dates especially these certain ones is a blessing or a curse. Part of the fighter in me I guess. I can't pretend that my life, our lives, your lives weren't effected by CANCER. Maybe that's why I can't pass up anyone asking for donations to find a cure. I don't want anyone else to experience that heart ache I've felt and even still do when C asks if we can do something for his dad knowing its just not possible. C's birthday is coming up in the next week and I know one of the things that would make his day is if we could collect any spare change you have to donate to Cancer research so that someone else's dad doesn't have to go through what J did. That his son or daughter doesn't have to celebrate his birthday with their dad in the hospital. You'd be amazed at how fast a little spare change adds up. (Watch this video of C again from last year... If he can give up all his spare change and any money he had so can you.) If you'd like to donate your spare change please get a hold of me at iwearyellow (at)gmail(dot)com. Or donate here. Thank you... every little bit helps.

I Will Get You Help...

As the 9th month approaches since J's passing I've been thinking of some of the last things he and I talked about before that day that I got the call that forever changed my life. I don't know why I can remember dates so vividly but I do. I find that I never forget certain dates. Sunday October 26, 2008... I remember it was late. My brother and I went to visit J. I had had one of those harder days. I was struggling. I was feeling like I was getting no help. I felt sorry for myself. Sorry for the situation I was in. I remember those feelings so vividly. I remember taking a walk with J around the hospital floor where he was allowed to walk. I remember crying to him because I felt like I couldn't keep going on. Just before I left that night he hugged me good bye and said to me... "If you don't get help by Wednesday I will get help for you." I really didn't know what he meant by those words. But as the months have passed I have seen first hand in my life the help that J was talking about. Maybe he knew to some degree that his time here on earth was short but he never let anyone know that. He knew in his heart that he would get me help... J coded October 29th, 2008... that Wednesday that he told me he'd get me help. Help came in so many different ways... comfort, prayers,... and then he sent me the help that I really needed... my angel, he sent him my way. Someone to listen to me when I didn't want to talk to anyone else. Some one's shoulder to cry on. Someone to lift me up and carry me when I couldn't walk any more. J knew exactly what kind of help I really needed and never left my side from day one. He made sure that certain things fell into place so that I would get the help that I needed. That my kids and I would be taken care of. So as I sit here tonight and think about all the ways he's sent me help over the past 9 months I can't help but feel overwhelmed by his love for his family. That he'd move Heaven and Earth for us, especially me to send me the help that I needed so desperately. Especially when he couldn't be the one to be here for me. He sent me someone to do his part. Take care of me and those he left behind. I will be forever grateful to J for getting me help even if that meant he had to leave this earth and take care of things on the other side. I'm grateful for my angel and his help that has helped me get through this trial in my life. Without my angel I would be lost. I am grateful to J for guiding my angel to me and for continuing to guide us and help us all.

What If?

What if people weren't so judgemental? What if people didn't scrutinize other people's lives... watch their every move? What if they let them live their lives and not think to themselves (and some outloud) how they'd live their life differently if put in that situation? What if you could live your life without the worry of doing something the wrong way? What if you could live a happy life without everyone feeling as though you've wronged them... wronged J? What if people could just appreciate you for you... who you are as a person? Accept you for your strengths and your weaknesses and not judge you on any decision you make? What if J and I had made different decisons about his treatment of his cancer? What if we hadn't gone through with the stem cell? What if J hadn't died? I could sit here all day and say what if? But the truth of the matter is I can't answer any of these questions. The what if's of life. I had a dream about a week or so ago about me sitting down with a man and his wife and telling my story of J from start to finish. When I woke up from the dream I had all these what if's? in my head. I think all too often when something happens to us we sit back and think what if? What if things had happened different? What if I had done this different? Would the outcome be different completely or just slightly? Would it make a difference? I believe we all have a destiny... a chosen purpose on this life and even though we are free to make our own choices that there are just somethings that God over rides. He knows us better than anyone else. He knows what is best for us... where our lives need to head. There have been so many what if's since J died but I know Heavenly Father has pushed, prodded, shown me the way where I needed to be despite all the what if's that run through my head. I think most people sit back when something happens and think Why? I've never questioned why I've been given these trials. Just the what if's seem to run through my mind. I guess what it comes down to is I need to move past the what if's and wondering and just live my life in the here and now. I can't focus on the what if's in life... even the what if's of today of the little decisions I make. Or even the choices my own kids make. Life is life. It happens. Life can't be rewound so why spend the time on the what if's? Come what may and embrace it... continue to move forward...and most importantly enjoy the ride...

The Climb

(this photo was taken of K & J during on of the times he was having back pain)
A year ago I never thought I'd be where I am today... Never thought that my life would be so drastically different from what I had been living for the past 9.5 years. A year ago is when our lives started to change. J started to have really bad back pain and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. We thought maybe he had just pulled a muscle in his back. It would come and go every couple of weeks. Finally after the second time it came back and he just couldn't even move he decided to go to the doctor to try and figure out what it could be. Test after test and no diagnoses until August 8, 2008. That day will forever stick in my mind. That day forever changed our lives... changed how we thought, how we lived, the decisions we made. It has been an uphill battle for me for the past 8 months. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Not sure if this is really my life. Time seems to be flying past and yet the pain is still raw at times. I never know what will make me cry. I do know that I can't handle any movie where someone dies. That memory of being there with J as he passed on is too raw for me. Too painful. I don't think it will ever go away. Maybe I don't
want it to go away. Keeps me pushing forward. Because I did tell J that I would be ok and I am ok. I'm better than ok. I'm making that climb up the mountain. I know there will always be another mountain to climb but just like the song by Miley Cyrus (The Climb) its not about whats waiting on the other side but the climb... what have I learned from the past 8 months? The past year? I've learned to love more, love again and not to take for granted the little things in life and so much more. Sometimes my kids frustrate me to no end but at the end of the day I'm grateful for what I have been blessed with. I'm grateful for the hardships I've endured and continue to endure. I'm trying to learn from any battle I face and accept the fact that I may loose sometimes. But tomorrow is a new day and a new go at it. I try to not to let my faith falter... A lot of times that's all I have to go on is faith... faith that things will work out in the darkest of days. With out faith I know I'd constantly loose every battle I face and I wouldn't be so blessed. There are days I will just sit and look back at these mountains that have been put before me to climb and I wonder how I ever made it over certain mountains but I did and I grew so much from each climb I made. So even though just 8 short sometimes long months have past and maybe the hardest climb of my life has past me or is getting to that point I need to remember to keep strong and keep pushing on. That every struggle I face isn't about just getting to the otherside its about the climb and learning and growing from that. Life is good and I'm truly blessed....

Jumping In Feet First

They say you should always jump into water feet first. Especially water that you can't see the bottom to. There could be rocks at the bottom that you can't see. I feel like I've done just that... jumped in feet first, sorta tested the waters to see if it was safe. Now I know how to swim, its just how long can someone stay afloat with out the assistance of a life jacket or some other life saving device? Sometimes I've felt like I was about to drown, go under, other days I felt like I was floating... wearing that life jacket that would save my life. Another month has past. Hard to believe. 7 months. Not sure where the time has gone. Sometimes feeling like the current is rushing, pushing me forward, other times the current is slow, as I drift along. There have been things that I gave up after J died. I don't think I realized some of them until I actually started to do them again and had someone point them out to me or I realized it on my own. I never really realized that I sing whenever or where ever when I'm truly happy. Before J died I'd hear C all the time tell me to stop singing. Now I don't think I sing bad but I think the kid just didn't want to hear his mom more than neccesary...hahaha. I gave that up when J died. A few weeks ago I was caught singing in my room. I was startled, not expecting anyone to find me or hear me for that matter. He told me he could tell I was happy... when I asked him why he said cause you are singing and I've never heard you just sing like that before. It was then that I felt myself coming back to being me. Finding joy, happiness in the little things that I had unintentionally given up. I found my life jacket. The thing that will keep my head above water, and save me. Life is too short to NOT be happy. 7 months, long, short. My head bobbing up and down and at times feeling like I might drown, give up and not be able to go on. I'm not the type of person though to give up without some sort of fight. Neither was J. I watch the kids continue to grow, kids seem to always have their life jackets on. Can find happiness in the little things despite the grown up things they've faced in their short little lives. They are thriving. Happier than ever. C talks about J and remembers the little things and that makes me happy. K dances... all the time. And all though she probably doesn't remember a whole lot about J I think sometimes she just starts dancing just for J, music or not. Me and the kids have been truly blessed with the best of life jackets... J's been looking out for us. Sending us who and what we need when we truly need it most. He hasn't forgotten us and we haven't forgotten him. Its been a rough current at times, and I feel like the water is just starting to calm down. This doesn't mean that I will take off my life jacket. Oh no, J sent me that just in time. That's his special gift to me and I will be forever grateful for that.

I Miss My Dad

(this is one of C's favorite pics of him and J... this was taken just after J started his
first round of chemo when he was diagnosed the first time with cancer. C was just 3 yrs old.)

I wasn't expecting what happened tonight to happen. I wasn't expecting to have C look at me as I sat there beside his bed telling him everyone who loved him and seeing tears roll down those cheeks of his when I said his dad loved him. I tried to push back the tears welling up in my own eyes. I didn't want to upset C more by him seeing me cry. He told me he missed his dad... Now I've heard this before but usually it was because he wanted to stay up. This time I knew he really meant it. My heart ached. I started to pray that J would be by C's side tonight. He needs that. He needs to be able to feel his dad's presence. I asked C if there was someone he wanted to talk to and then was able to get him on the phone. I listened to the one sided conversation and knew that C was being asked what he missed about his dad. He replied I miss playing Lego Indiana Jones with him... he was really good at it, we are both really good at it. I couldn't do anything but sit there and continue to listen to his conversation and cry, remembering all those nights that J and I would play that game just so C could watch us. It was one of his favorite things to do. I listened as C continued to talk about J and what a good hider he was when it came to hide n' seek games and listened to C's voice start to become happy again as he remembered those couple of memories of his dad. It breaks my heart to see that sweet little boy cry and for the first time really miss his dad. I know this is the first of many times that he'll break down in tears, I just pray that he'll always be able to remember those special things about his dad. That J will be able to whisper in his ear when he seems to have trouble remembering and when he needs it most will be able to feel those arms wrapped around him and know that his dad is right there beside him. I have no doubt that J will be right there.

I'm the Lucky One

Tomorrow marks 6 months that have passed. Seems like a strange dream. An altered reality. I think back to 6 months ago when there were days I thought I'd never be happy again. Find happiness again. Be doomed to live life as a single mom & I didn't want that. There were nights that I'd cry and pray that J would just come and take care of the kids, lull them to sleep because I just couldn't do it anymore. Night time was the hardest part of the day. I'd watch the clock & the days seemed so long. Now I find my self glimpsing at the calendar to see what day it is and wonder where the time has gone. Those first 3 months seemed to go by so slow. The agonizing days. Time seeming to stand still. Grief & sadness holding me back. Me trying to fight my reality... Accept my reality. Finally I broke free from the binds of time that were holding me back. I allowed myself to be happy again. Allowed that girl that was buried beneath everything every pain, every hurt, every denial to break back out slowly but surely. I still cry from time to time. Especially when I look at pictures of J & the kids that are hanging in their rooms. That may always be hard for me. I don't know. Its a strange feeling looking at those pictures. I can almost feel him there next to me smiling and putting his arm around me. Whispering in my ear and telling me he's proud of me. That he's happy to see me happy & that I'm finding the girl inside of me that he had fallen in love with all those years ago...and to me I feel lucky... lucky to have someone like that up there in heaven watching over me and my kids... and lucky to have found true happiness again, someone to make me smile and always be by my side and someone watching over me always up there in heaven. Yes I'm the lucky one.

DENIAL

Denial is the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.

The day J died I walked through the door marked DENIAL in big bold letters. It was safe there. Easier to hang out in that room than deal with my reality that I was now a single mom of 2 kids under the age of 5. I hung out there for a good month and a half before I was brought to my knees from the pain and the reality I was forced to face. December 17, 2008. I will never forget that night. I hadn't cried that much ever. Especially after J had died. The pain was so overwhelming. So hard to deal with. I hated being alone. I hated being a single mom. I hated going through J's stuff and seeing the little things that he had thought of ahead of time because he knew he'd be sick and in the hospital. See J wasn't one to think ahead like that. He usually was a last minute kind of guy. I was already struggling with everything when I found the anniversary card he had bought just days after his birthday. 3 months before it was even going to be our 10 year anniversary. I finally fell to my knees no longer able to handle the heartache. I was running full speed out of that room that had the sign on the door DENIAL. I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I knew I needed to face my reality no matter how harsh or unfair I thought it was. Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about how far I've come since that day. The day I stepped out of that foggy room and into the real world where things were becoming more black and white everyday. But, at the same time I find myself looking at pictures of J and the kids together and I hear that knocking on the door. The DENIAL door. Beckoning me to come back in and hide out where its safe. No one to judge you for the decisions you've made. No one to tell you what you should or shouldn't do or how you should feel or where you should be in your grieving process. And I think how easy it would be to just turn the knob and walk back thru. Pretend like it was just a bad dream. That it didn't happen. But, then I snap myself back to reality and despite everything that has happened to me over the past 5.5 months I can truly say I'm happy that I broke out of that room. Walked out and never went back. I'm so much happier. A strong determined soul. And even though that DENIAL door looks so tempting I can't ever bring myself to turn that handle again. I don't want to. Its hard to admit things about yourself. That you are weak at times. But I think that's the first step in walking out that door, out of that room that I had shut myself in, and being able to recognize it now that its still there in the shadows lurking is a huge step away from it as well. All this is part of my past but without it I wouldn't be able to grow. See things in a different light. Be accepting of my weaknesses and recognizing them. Because all too often its easier to walk through that door and never look back. Be safe. But, I don't want to be in that room... EVER again. And to me that tells me I've come a long way despite what other people may think or feel, cause I refuse to walk thru that door of DENIAL ever again.