Raw Emotions

Why is when you feel like you've made some sort of progress in the whole healing process that you feel like you can take on something? I started turning this blog into a book. A book that myself or my kids or whoever can read someday. I was working on putting each post where I wanted it to be, in doing so I started to read bits and pieces of those days that I posted. I was instantly taken back to that place, time, date. Those raw emotions flooded to the surface as though it was yesterday, or even 5 min ago. The pain, the heartache. But, I felt those emotions for someone else. Some other girl. Like an out of body experience. I hurt for her. For what she's gone through. What's she's experienced. Felt the hurt of losing her best friend, husband and father of her children. I could feel the emotion, the excitement as I got closer to J getting his stem cells back and then the hurt, the pain as things went horribly wrong. The begging for peace, not for just her but for her kids. I couldn't stop. I kept going until I got to here. Today. This girl. Same girl. Yet different. Changed. Pain is still there. Just the pain is for that other girl. How do you take that away? Does it ever go away? Does the feeling of feeling like you're healing and taking a step forward but two steps backwards ever go away? I don't know. Maybe this is what I needed. To face what I've been through. See it through different eyes. Reevaluate. Feel. Experience. Heal.

Determined Soul

"There is no chance, no fate, no destiny...that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a DETERMINED SOUL!"

Cancer...its a nasty 6 letter word that no one should ever have to hear. It changes your life and those around you within seconds of hearing it. You can choose to let it make you bitter or you can choose to let it make you a stronger person because of it. I remember the first time I heard that word come out of J's mouth when he was first diagnosed. I was 7 months pregnant at the time with K. I couldn't believe it. That couldn't be happening. It was the 11th of December 2006 and my world seemed to be crashing in on me. And it happened again on August 11th, 2008. I'm sure anyone who has experienced that word whether it be for themselves or someone they love they know that feeling. Feeling helpless. Feeling cheated. Wondering why or how this happened. Cancer knows no race, it doesn't care if you are a son, a daughter, mother, father, kid, grandparent. It doesn't care if you can afford the treatments that can save your life. It hits you at anytime and anywhere. I've been thinking about the effects of cancer on someone lately. Not just how it effects them physically but mentally. Its hard. It effects everyone that comes into contact with them. Everyone that has ever known them. Recently a friend of mine found out that his mom's breast cancer has come back. My heart sank when I heard the news. I cried. It was about the same timing as J's coming back. I knew exactly how he felt, how everyone in her family felt. That helpless feeling. Feeling scared because they've already beat cancer once. What are the chances of a second time? How are they going to do this again? What is going to happen? What are the options the second time around? More chemo? Something different? Radiation? I believe in a fighting spirit. J had that fighting spirit and I know my friend's mom does too. Often times in life I think we forget that we have that in us too. We don't have to be diagnosed with cancer to gain that fighting spirit. I think its inside all of us. Its just up to us to decided if we want to fight whatever battle that is put in front of us. That we all have these trials put before us, some change as life goes on. The trial I went through with J and him having cancer has changed into me being left alone with two kids to raise. But, I'm a fighter and just like my friends mom I'm not willing to EVER give up. Each day that goes by that I make it through without pulling my hair out makes me who I am. Makes me stronger. I choose to be stronger because of all of this and not be bitter. I can't be. I don't want to be. What was the point of this post? I'm not really sure... but I do know that Cancer Sucks but attitude is what gets you from point A to point B. I'm letting my trials make me a stronger not bitter. And I'm going to be a determined soul. Not giving up. I'm working towards my happy ending. Everyone has one. It just takes awhile to get there sometimes. I'm learning to see the beauty around me again. Opening up my eyes to see that the world isn't such a bad place. That I have all the love and support I could ask for and more. That everyday is a step closer to finding that happy ending to my story. And I am a DETERMINED SOUL and so is she.

Something Special

I've had some collage frames since Thanksgiving that I've wanted to put pictures of J and the kids in. I just haven't been able to sit and look at the pictures till today. I thought I'd sit here and bawl my eyes out but I didn't. I was taken back down memory lane and remembered the good times they had with their dad. Didn't think about what they were missing out on but how much he loves them. You can see it in his face. I miss the fact that I can't take pictures of him and the kids but looking at the pictures I was able to smile. Another step for me. My heart is healing. I grow stronger with each day. This made me stronger. I'm excited to get the pictures hung up in the kids rooms so that they can look and see their dad everyday and know that he has and always will love them. He was a great dad to them. Just remembering and looking at the photos, seeing the kids faces light up when he walked through the door makes me happy. Makes the hurt, hurt less. These pictures are what is going to keep his memory alive with the kids. Because you can tell stories over and over but being able to see the memories makes a huge difference I believe. They tell their own story with out having words attached. I hope they will be able to look at these pictures and remember and feel happy. I know it will be hard to remember as they get older and especially for K but seeing these happy memories should help remind them that even though he's no longer around he's still watching over them daily and smiling and laughing right along the side of them. And that's something special to me.

Mixed Emotions

I've had J's truck stuffed to the brim with items that needed to be donated for almost 6 weeks. Mostly his clothes and things that just didn't hold any real meaning that need to be held onto were in the truck. As I started up his truck today to take everything down to be donated I smiled. I sat there for a minute listening to the rumble of his truck that I'd always hear come 6pm. I backed out of the driveway looked at the passenger side and said out loud "Wanna go for a ride Jeff?". It was kinda our time. I don't know if he was there. I never sensed anything but for a little while I felt as though I didn't have a care in the world. I was in my own little world. At peace with where my life had been, where it is and where it is going. I felt happy. Felt like I was moving forward and felt that peace of healing. As I drove down the freeway, every now and then I'd look at the back of the truck and see the bags of clothing and other items that belonged to J and felt a little sad. Almost like I was unloading a huge piece of my life. In a sense I was. As I helped the guy unload everything from the truck I felt that sadness go away. It was only stuff. It wasn't who he was. I kept anything that had meaning, that would remind my kids of him someday. It was just a strange feeling to be happy yet sad at the same time. Sad to see that part of my life be gone that I had sitting in my garage, and to see that everyday. But, happy that I was able to move forward with my life and feel good about it. Feel like J was there pushing me along as I'm sure he does everyday. Giving me the strength to keep going when I just want to throw in the towel. I spent a good 45 min. driving around in that truck. I didn't realize how much I had missed riding in that truck. It was J's baby. He loved that truck. It helped me feel connected to him and at peace at the same time. The first time I ever drove the truck after he died I felt a lot of sadness. This time it was just a joy ride and I liked that. I haven't taken the truck out that often but I might now more, just so I can ask him if he wants to go for a ride with me...

Stronger Than The Last...

I've been thinking back over the past 6 months, back to when J was first diagnosed again and I started to think about how much I've changed. How much stronger I've become. How with each trial I've started over again as a new girl. Stronger than the last. I get stronger with each day. With each thing that I accomplish. Even if its only that I didn't totally loose my mind that day. That's something. Another step towards being healed. Everyday I feel the heartache lessen, the anger melt away and I get stronger. I wish I could say today that it was one of those days that was just great but it wasn't. The kids pushed me to my limits and I found myself wishing things were different and then I had to stop myself and realize that wishing wasn't gonna get me anywhere. So I changed my thinking, just tried to breath and some days that's just gonna have to be good enough. I'm not perfect. I've gotta realize that, and that I'm just doing the best I can do and everyday that I make it through makes me stronger.

I Can't Do It Alone

I've been struggling for a while. My faith tested. I've been hurt, but mostly I've been angry. Angry at J for leaving me, angry at myself for not being able to run a house hold on my own. Get my kids to obey. Thing is I didn't really see that I was angry. At least I was in denial about it all. Trying to avoid all the feelings of grief, I found it was easier for me to just be in denial that I wasn't ok. That I was hurting. I let my faith falter and my understanding go by the way side. The day J coded I sat in the hospital bathroom confused yet all I could pray was, I need him, my kids need him, BUT, I will understand. I have no idea why these words constantly came to my mind every time I prayed that J would come out of it. That he would be ok that our family would be made whole again. My trial has changed. Its changed from being a single mom to my trial of faith and understanding of time. As I went through the first month after J's passing I felt grateful for the time we did have together. I was able to feel that gratitude for what God had given to me. But as the time passed and tasks came along that required me to find things that J could easily give me the answers to if he was here I found myself becoming angry at him. Angry that he left such a mess for me to clean up and straighten out. But, how could it be his fault? He didn't choose to die. He never would have stepped foot in that hospital had he know he'd never come home. I became angry at myself because I felt I couldn't do everything that being a single mom entails. I became angry because I am not perfect. That I make mistakes and I yell at my kids, get frustrated at strangers. I found myself being upset over the stupid little things like being put on hold just so I could cancel a credit card. Didn't these people understand how hard it was just to do things on a daily basis? That no matter how many people gave me their condolences that it wasn't gonna make me feel any better? Wouldn't change a thing? A good friend of mine spoke to me and told me that I needed to fall to my knees and have my hands outstretched instead of standing up with my fists in the air. To let go of the anger. That isn't me and its only holding me back from truly healing. I know this is true. Somehow I let myself let go of seeing the big picture. Of being grateful for what I had and continue to have. I stopped liking the person I am. I miss that girl who saw everything ever day and found something to be grateful despite the heartache I was experiencing. My parents gave me a book for my birthday by Brent L. Top titled: When You Can't Do It Alone Take the Savior's Hand. I started reading it today and I've almost made it to the end. It made me realize that I had strayed away from the Savior. That I had let myself be angry and in turn pushed him away. As I read the book I felt the anger melt away from me and felt that peace of mind, heart and soul that J had blessed me with before he entered the hospital. I started to count my blessings despite my hardships. "Gratitude saves us from wasting our spiritual and emotional powers when we focus so much on how bad we have it, what we don't have, or how we wish things were different." I started to see again how good God has been to me. I decided that I need to look everyday and count my blessings no matter how small and write them down. So that in a year from now I will be able to look back and see how truly I've been blessed. "Failure to see the hand of God in our lives in true perspective actually leaves us with a warped view of our real circumstances and true selves." How true this statement is. I've had a warped view of my real circumstances and true self for the past month. Maybe because I felt it easier to blame someone else for my circumstances instead of accepting my reality or just being grateful for what I did have and continue to have. I need to live in Thanksgiving daily, not just when I find it convenient for me. Brent L. Top goes on to say " You may feel that you are not rich in blessings, but you are! Even our trials and what we don't have, in reality, are blessings." I have been so blessed through this trial. I just haven't taken the time to step back and see it because I was too busy being angry by it. I know anger is part of the grieving process, but I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to give it all up and for me I know that will be something I battle on a daily basis until I don't have to remind myself to let it go. I have to trust in God, have faith not only in him but in myself. That I can and am doing the best that I can be doing. That I don't have to be angry. That I am truly blessed. That even though I have a huge loss and a hole in my heart that I have been blessed. Blessed to have my kids, the time I had with J, the time they had with J,blessed by the prayers of friends, family, and strangers. Blessed with the outpouring of love and prayers for me, for my kids. "God's power is always there and always available." I have a scripture that I often read especially when J was out of town or in the hospital and it always made me feel better. That I wasn't alone and that I could have that peace of mind.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you...
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: Not as the
world giveth, give I unto you, Let not your heart be troubled,
neither let it be afraid. (John 14:18, 27)

I need to remember that Heavenly Father will not leave me comfortless. That I need to turn to him when I can't do it alone anymore and he will strengthen me and bear me up. When I can no longer stand that I should fall to my knees with open palms and an open spirit and put my trust in him.

Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported
in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall
be lifted up at that last day. (Alma 36:3)

From this day forward, I resolve to put my faith back into myself, trust in the Lord and in his timing of everything. I will count my blessings everyday may they be big or small. I will find little random acts of kindness to reach out to someone. And serve. Because when I gave myself all to serving J while he was sick I was at my happiest. At times I think that may be my own kids that need to be served. That they need that from me and I need to be able to give that to them and the only way I can is by giving up that anger I have inside of me, so that I can become the best person and mom out there that I can be. I know that Christ is standing there with his hand outstretched just waiting for me to grab a hold before I drown. Its up to me to grab on and hold tight because I can't do this alone. Try as I might, I know I can't and he knows I can't.

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and
on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine
angels round about you, to bear you up. (D&C 84:88)

Be Ok

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I just wanna be ok today... Feel today... Know that maybe I will be ok....

These song lyrics seem to have been written just for me. How I feel today. I just wanna be ok today. But, I know that won't always be the case. That I can't speed up time wish time away. And the funny thing is these past 3 months time has gone by so slowly that its felt like 3 long years instead of what everyone else would see as just 3 months, long or short to them. I woke up today feeling like I was no longer walking in my daze, a fog of sorts. Feeling that reality hit like a ton of bricks. I took my wedding ring to be cleaned today and as I wore it on my finger I didn't even notice it was there even though its been months since I last wore it. As I looked at it I felt disconnected from the person that used to wear it. It was a past life of mine. The ring didn't mean the same. It was strange to feel that way. As I took J and I's rings and put them in the safe I had this feeling of it was ok. That I was now ok to be moving on. To feel ok about moving on. I know everyone has in their heads when they think or feel they'd be ready to move on if they were in my shoes. But, I don't really think anyone knows. No one can be the judge of that but me. Unless you walk a mile in my shoes no one ever would know when it was time to be ok. Everyone has their own time line. No ones time line is the same. Its whether or not you choose to be happy for that person when they feel it is time to move on, for them to be ok where their life has taken them. A big fear for me is that my friends and family won't be ok with me moving on when that time comes, when I feel like the time is right. Its important for me to feel that they are ok with me moving on and support me even when they may not feel that the time is right in their minds. I need to feel that support from them knowing that they know I made that decision because I felt it was right for me in order for me to be happy. Today was a huge step, almost like a leap for me in moving forward... being ok. I finally don't feel like I'm gonna go to bed at night and think when I wake up this nightmare will be over. Because I don't see my reality as a nightmare anymore. I see it as my chance to grow. To come out of the shell of a person that I once was. That I am a different person than who was married to J and not in a bad way. I seem to be finding out who I am as a person on my own. Yes I have 2 kids, but they don't define me as a person. I've found myself adventuring out and not being afraid of being alone at night, not afraid to pack up the kids and head out on a road trip. Feeling and knowing that no matter how hard my life may feel at times I'm starting to be ok. Starting to feel like I'm coming into my own as a person, not just as a mom or when I was a wife. But, my own person who knows when the time is right for her to move on in every sense. No one can tell me when I should feel the time is right, no one will be able to pin point when I'm gonna be ok. Only I can and only I can make myself happy. Trying to please everyone and make everyone happy all the time just isn't gonna work for me. Its not gonna make me happy. I'm starting to feel happy again. Trying to put myself first. My healing first so that I can be the best person I can be. Be the best mom I can be. Knowing that I will never be the same person I was before J died. I'm ok with that. Because even though I lost something and went through something so hard its made me a stronger person, someone who has become independent. Someone who is seeking what makes me happy so that I can be the best person out there. Change is hard, being forced to do something you don't want to do but know you have to do is hard. Its hard to sit back and think for a second what it would be like to walk around in someone else's shoes. Because you feel their heartache and you don't think you could possibly ever do what they are having to do, go through. But the truth of the matter is for me, all I can do is choose to be happy and hope that people will be happy with me being ok and moving on with my life. I'm ok with looking at pictures of J and I. I'm not sad anymore that he's not there to take pictures with me because I know he still loves me and always will and that he'd want me to be happy no matter what. I still can't look at pictures of J with the kids. I may never be ok with that and that's ok. But a huge part of the healing process has started. Time is picking up and for me that's huge. That means I'm ok with not having J by my side. I miss him. But I'm ok. I've come to terms with that. I know I can make it in this life and not be afraid or feel sad. I know that he'll always be by my side. That when that guy comes along he'll still be by my side and never leave. That he loves me always. That he loves my kids always. And that just like I told him, that I will be ok. I am so much closer to being ok. Everyday is a step closer in that direction. I'm moving towards being ok and embracing where ever my life may take me.

Angels Among Us

God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face.

Sundays are always harder on me. We have church at 1:30pm which means waiting out half the day trying to keep the kids entertained and me not frazzled by the time we do make it to church. Which pretty much ends up being that I am so done with keeping them in line and trying to make it out the door on time let alone keep them sitting still for an hour. Its hard to watch the families sitting together with the mom and dad and the kids and if one of the kids acts up the dad usually gets up and takes care of the situation. I often am envious of that. I have several people ask me how I'm doing every Sunday and I give the typical answer of I'm good but I obviously wear my emotions on my sleeve and people can instantly tell that today was not one of my good days. Try as I might things can be rough. Our lesson today in RS was on The Ministry of Angels by Jeffrey R. Holland. The teacher asked about angels in our lives today and I started to get teary eyed as I thought about my kids and how they have a special angel in their lives. How I know that J is watching over us. How I've felt his presence at times usually when I'm down. Then I also started to think about the real life angels in my life. Those of you who have taken my kids for me so I could get a break and hopefully not go insane (although some days I wonder if its too late) Those who have listened to me stress out to the max and yet have been able to get me to relax and laugh. Those of you who pray for me and my kids on a daily basis. Those who leave comments of encouragement, understanding and strength. These are my angels. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me, for my kids. I appreciate the comments that are left for me to read that help build me back up from the hard times. I hope someday I can be some one's angel... some one's saving grace. And when I'm having a hard time with the kids and I'm missing J, like I am tonight. I find peace in the knowledge that he is always with us. That there are angels among us that we can see and those that we can't see. That they will lift us up when we can't bear anymore. And although I struggle with letting people help me out, I know that God has sent these people to lift me up when I can't do it alone anymore. So thank you to all of you... you know who you are. And even if it was something small to you that you may have done for me, know that it wasn't small in my eyes. And will be forever grateful for you and what you have done for me. Even if it is something as simple as a little prayer that I can make it through the day without being stressed with my kids. That's a huge thing to me even if I don't know about it, so thank you to all my angels out there from the bottom of my heart.

Hitting a Brick Wall

Ever feel like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try that every time you turn around you hit a brick wall? Lately that's how I've felt. I've been trying to get everything wrapped up with all the financial aspects of J & I's lives. Trying to put back the pieces of my life that have been shattered into a million little pieces. I feel the pressure to get every little detail tied up and finished so that I can feel like my life is on track again. And not veering out of control down a one way street. And on top of that all I seem to be constantly hitting a brick wall with C. No matter what I do or say he just pushes me to my limits. Tests me every day. Stresses me to the max till I break. And on those days I feel like I should just throw in the towel and give up. But I can't. I can't give up on anything. On those days I really wish I could just step to the side and have J be there to step in and take C aside and explain to him how much he is hurting me, how hard it is on a daily basis to just be his mom and how hard I'm trying to play the role of mom, dad and financial person at the same time. Trying to hold this household together but, feeling like I'm failing miserably. Its interesting to me to look back over the past 5 months and see how far I've come. How much I've changed. And to see how different of a person I've become. I feel like I've been split down the middle, torn in two and I can see the person I used to be and the person I've become and continue to become. Its not a bad thing. All these experiences although rough, sad, stressful, heartbreaking have made me who I am. Changed me for the good I hope. I often wonder why Heavenly Father has trusted me with this trial. Wondered why He has so much faith in me to be in this role of single mom. Why He thinks or I should say knows I can do this. Because often more days than not I'd rather give it all up, I want a different life. I want to have that sense of family back. Feel whole again, not only as a family but as a person. I know I have to be patient and things will all work themselves out over time. Time heals all. But, right now, time and I aren't exactly the best of friends. I feel time slowly going by on the days I'm stressed to the max and yet when I look back on things I start to think where did the time go? I can't believe that it is going by so quickly and I think about the things that have happened with the kids and watching K grow up right before my very eyes and wonder how much J sees. Does he see her learning how to open the fridge just to throw a dozen eggs all over the floor, does he see how proud C is to be able to order his own food and pay for it at the fast food restaurant. Does he see me at times struggling with the day to day tasks. Does he see me when I am happy? I have my days where I'm worn and I have my days where I'm starting to feel my heart healing and I feel like everything is going to be ok. That things will turn around and just keep getting better. I have to constantly remind myself that J wouldn't want me to be stressed because of everything I have to do. But I can't help it. These things are just things that have to be done and once they are done, they will be a distant memory. Never to be thought of again. And I will be totally and completely happy. I'm starting to feel happy. Be happy. I just have my days. Nothing is easy and I shouldn't think for a second that it is going to be. Because anything worth in this life isn't easy but it is worth fighting for. J's battle wasn't easy but he saw what was worth fighting for and for me this battle isn't easy but its worth fighting for, to get myself back, find myself, even if that is a new self. To be able to find and have happiness again in my life. To feel whole again. So bring it on. I'm stubborn and I'm not ready to give up. I will face this trial and because of it, everyday I'm a stronger person. Whether I like it or not, this makes me stronger. And I am stronger... stronger than I ever imagined possible.

Most Days

Most days go by and I'm doing great. I handle things and I start to think I'm getting the hang of this single mom biz. Then a day like today happens. The house gets torn apart a million times. Kids are crying, drinks spilled, food thrown and I'm struggling to just get every little detail of my life fixed and in order. I find myself missing J. Watching the clock for that 6 'o clock hour to hit. The magic hour that used to occur at our house when J would walk through that door and we'd sit down as a family for dinner and I knew that I'd get a break from being a mom. I wished for most of all that he'd be here for my kids. Not even for me. Not to hold me or hug me. But, to be able to play with my kids. To wipe away K's tears because she's not feeling well to snuggle up with her like he always would. To build an awesome train track with C. I found myself as I put them to bed praying that he'd be able to visit them in some way tonight. To comfort K because she doesn't feel well. For the first time I miss J because of my kids. I ache for my kids. That they are missing out on having him here physically although I know without a doubt that he's always around. I know he's been watching K dance to her little hearts content. And been watching C play the same level on the video game over and over again and just smiling at the ridiculous words C's started to use. Knowing that he's getting a kick out of it. I just wish for one night, maybe tonight that my kids will really feel him around. Know how much he loves them and misses them. They need it, more than they probably even know. I need it for them....

10 Years Ago Today

At 9am J and I were married for time and all eternity. Seems not that long ago. Like the blink of an eye. 10 years is a long time now days to be married. Most couples now days don't make it past the first 3 years. I've been overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions today. My dad brought over a present last night for me to open this morning. I sat in my room door locked not knowing what could be inside. I opened the box to find that my mom had gotten our wedding video and put it on DVD for us. She meant to get it to us for our 5 year but the video got lost and every year she'd get working on it and it just didn't get done till now. I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. Kids pounding on the door to my room. I just sat there. Didn't know how to feel or think. Sad cause he's not here to watch it with me. Sad because 10 years is a big deal and I felt like I should be on a beach with him somewhere celebrating instead I drove down to the grave today and placed flowers there. I've never bought flowers for someone before. Let alone taken flowers to someone's grave. It was a strange feeling. Almost sick to my stomach kinda feeling. Like this just wasn't right. But I know J wouldn't want me to be sad today. He'd want me to remember the good times, the tough times and how much we love each other. I feel like two different people. The girl that was married to J and experienced having two kids with him and enduring this trial of cancer with him and then this other girl. The single girl with two kids who is starting to feel happy again and feel like she can move on and that J is happy for her and always with her. You start to feel a little guilty about being happy again but I realized that J doesn't want me to be sad. He wants me to move on and be happy and he'll always be by my side through it all. I know J's gift to me today is that feeling of peace that its ok to feel sad and to feel like its ok to move on and be happy. I didn't think today would be that hard but maybe I was just fooling myself. So many years of emotions come flooding back and things just feel broken. Not the same. As I lay in bed last night with a heavy heart I could tell J was there next to me. I could feel him and I was able to drift off into a dreamless sleep. That's the greatest gift he can ever give to me. To always be there for me whenever, even if he can't hug me or touch me. Just to know he's there. Happy Anniversary... till we meet again. I love you.

Healing a Broken Heart in 2009

January 1st marks the start of a new year. Most people sit and make out new years resolutions, what they want to accomplish this year. Usually I'd be all about resolutions and setting goals. This year was different. I woke up knowing what day it was. Knowing that it had been 2 months since J passed. Its hard to know how I'm gonna feel on any given day. Your heart can feel happy and sad at the same time. Feel broken and healing at the same time. Feel longing and love. I feel like I'm healing and slowly moving on. That life is gonna be good. That 2009 is going to bring nothing but happiness for me, for my kids for everyone. That J is up there looking out for me. Knowing what I need and making sure I'm being taken care of. Whether its sending someone my way to help me out with the kids or someone to talk to. I know J has a hand in it. He's guiding those who serve us, those who love us, those who just think about us and pray for us on a daily basis. I know he's up there watching over us, loving us just as much as the day he was here on this earth. Time doesn't exist up in heaven. Its a blink of an eye. Some days I wish I could blink my eyes and time wouldn't matter. That I wouldn't have to hear... it just takes time, because sometime you just feel that you don't want to wait for time. That you wish time would speed up and everything would be "perfect" again. But, I know that's not how things work. Things take time to heal, to grow, to become and I'm starting to be ok with that. And for me that's a huge thing. Starting to feel normal again. Not really sure what normal is, but I'm starting to feel happy again. That I can do this no matter how hard somedays are. I'm doing it and "growing up". Strange to be 29 and just now feeling like I'm growing up. I've had J by my side for almost 10 years to help me with so much stuff that I'm now learning how to take care of things on my own and it feels good. I don't see it as a burden because I can't look at it as that. I have to look at it as something I'd have to do if he was sick or out of town or in the hospital. And as long as I keep optimistic I can handle most things. I have my days and they are becoming further apart. I don't know if it is because I'm healing my broken heart and J's helping me a long with that or what. But I know that he's always looking out for us and that is something I will never ever forget and will be forever grateful for.

Christmas In Heaven

I haven't been very festive this holiday season and rightly so. We have a tree in our home decorated and presents beneath the tree. And this year is just not the same. I cleaned out J's office last week tearing apart the place in search of the kids birth certificates and found gifts that J had bought to give to me along with an anniversary card because our anniversary is just 2 weeks after Christmas. That was rough. And when I think about how J won't be there on Christmas morning to see C freak out over his Christmas gifts or K being able to open her gifts on her own for the first time. Seeing J sit there with the video camera just taking it all in it makes my heart ache a little. And then I remember he will be there, just taking it all in, in a different way. And I know he will be just as happy. He doesn't want me or anyone else to be sad that he isn't around. That he couldn't physically be here. I found this and thought it was more than I would know what to say and as I read it I thought of J and that he would be saying this, thinking this:

My heart is always with you.
I know you are sad because we are not together this Christmas.
But always know that my love for you never left.
We will always be apart of each other.
Think of me in everything you do...
and everything I loved about the holiday.
Remember that you substantiate my life...
by the way you live yours.
Hold onto the good memories...
and to all of God's promises.
I'll always feel your love for me....
The love that was the foundation for our family.
My friends and family were always very important to me...
I pray you will stay close to each other.
Life is too short for strife and unforgiveness...
love each other... it will keep you strong....
Remember the faith of your youth...
And that Jesus is the Reason for the Season.
I'm spending my Christmas in Heaven this year,
but, I will also be in your heart....
We WILL meet again one day...
we will embrace, laugh and rejoice together...
There is no sadness here.
So until we meet again....
MERRY CHRISTMAS
from HEAVEN
I Love You

May you all feel the love of Christ this holiday season. And as you sit there with your loved ones may you feel the peace and comfort of those who have passed on and are spending their Christmas in Heaven. Remember they love you just as much today as the day they left this earth. And with that being said, I know that it will be a good Christmas because even though J isn't here with us. He's hear in our hearts and always will be.

Life Changes In An Instant

Its funny how life can be changed in an instant. We go living our lives day to day planning out the big important details of maybe a big vacation that we want to take or that big household item that we want to purchase. But we never sit down and take the time to think about the little details. The details that may someday forever change our lives. You know the little annoying ones like whos name is on the phone bill. I've found that these little details of life have turned into huge details, obstacles thrown in my path, just another thing I have to do. Another person I have to call, more paper work to fill out. Death certificates to be sent out. No one should ever have to go through what I'm going through. The loss is hard, but I manage day by day and get on with my life. I miss J but I've learned a lot. Stuff that I'd want to pass on to other people just in case. You know cause you can always plan the big details in life, but you never know when something you didn't plan for is going to happen. *Take time to sit down with your spouse, your significant other, whoever is going to be there if something should happen to you. Take the time to make sure that you both know where you stand, *passwords to everything. Both of you should know. Write them down keep them in a safe or a safety deposit box, make sure you know the code or where the keys are. *Both names on accounts. Something as simple as a phone bill can soon become something more complicated than you would think when that only person who's name is on the bill is no longer around. When you have to make changes to it and you can't you find more paperwork you don't want to fill out and your list every growing of places to call because your name wasn't on that account. *Birth certificates and social security numbers, important documents that you may need to have make sure these things are all in a safe place and that you both know where they are and how to get copies if need be. *Know what credit cards are out there. *Be sure that both of you know how to pay the bills, know the ins and outs of your banking. I know this is easier said than done but trust me, if you are ever thrown into a situation where something happens to one, say they get really sick and can't take care of that stuff, you should be able to step right in there and know what is going on and not even have to bat an eye at it. You will be able to pick up the slack with out a problem. *Have a living will, make one if you haven't. Make sure it has your basic wishes in it. Maybe write what things you'd want at your funeral. I know it sounds strange to think that way but I know, knowing a couple of things that J wanted at his made it that much easier on me. * If you have kids, make sure you have someone in mind of who they would be with if something should happen. Make sure the kids know, and have it in writing. * Get life insurance. I don't care how young you think you are, you are not invisible. It isn't that much to get a decent amount at least enough to pay off a house and cars. It could be as little as $20-$30 a month. This maybe hard for some to think about paying out every month but believe me in the long run if you do have life insurance your family will be taken care of. That goes for the man & woman. Both of you should have it. *If you back up things such as photos, both should know how to do it and where these things are kept. J was my computer guru and I am at a total loss. I find myself trying to teach myself how to do something like backing up all my photos and I haven't the slightest clue to what he's done on certain things.
I've been thinking about all this for a little while now as these things have come up and I think to myself, I never would have thought about these things, never thought that not having my name on the phone bill would be such a big deal. Actually I didn't even know my name wasn't on it. I assumed it was... Don't assume ASK! I know that not everyone is ever gonna be put in a situation as me. But, it doesn't hurt to be prepared now for the future. You may be 80+ years old before you have to deal with losing a spouse, but just think of how much easier it will be to deal with their affairs if you know what is going on right now. Thank you for the continued love and support for me and my kids. We feel your love and prayers everyday. We tend to keep busy, but busy is good. Busy doesn't keep the heart from aching but its a reminder that life goes on and sometimes when I'm driving here or there I like to think that J's sitting next to me in the car. Enjoying the ride....

1000 Miles

I sat in bed the other night just looking at J's side of the bed wishing he was there. I felt sad, I sat there not able to take my eyes off his side. And then I thought of this song that I hear on the radio from time to time and its taken on a whole new meaning to me. I turned out the light and rolled over to go to sleep when I had this overwhelming feeling that J was there. Lying next to me. It startled me at first and I rolled over trying to calm my heart. For a moment J was there with me. Almost to let me know that it was ok... and that he was thinking of me too. Sometimes that's all I need... I wish he could just hold me but that's all in due time. Someday that will be the case, but until then I'll take any visit even if it does startle me a little.

Makin' my way downtown,
Walkin' fast,
Faces pass and I'm homebound.

Starin' blankly ahead,
Just makin' my way,
Makin' a way through the crowd.

And I need you,
And I miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time
would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
Tonight.

It's always times like these
When I think of you,
And wonder if you ever think of me.

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong.
Livin' in your precious memory.

'Cause I need you,
And I miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time
would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
Tonight.

I, don't wanna let you know
I, drown in your memory.
I, don't wanna let this go.
I, don't.
...........
If I could just hold you....

Tonight.

A Band Aid Isn't Going to Fix This

As a parent you never want your child to feel pain or be sad. You always want to be able to kiss them better put a band aid on the wound and things will be better. You want to be able to fix their heartache take it away. Last night at 11pm C came down stairs for the 6th or 7th time that night crying and saying he missed his dad. I didn't know what to do or say except take him back to bed and tell him I didn't know what to do. I can't fix this. I can't bring dad back. I don't want to do this all by myself. And when his only response is "When Dad comes back alive he can come home and live with us again" what do you say other than, you know but that's going to be a really long time. I told him I loved him, hugged him and left. There wasn't anything I could do. Reality was I couldn't fix this. I can't fix his broken heart and I certainly can't fix mine. And the fact of the matter is that no matter how many people love and support you, no one can fix the hurt you have because you no longer have that husband, father and best friend. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but too often I feel like time just opens a new wound. Maybe one I didn't know was there. Time is supposed to make things easier and although somethings have become easier loosing my best friend is something that has gotten harder to deal with.

1 Month Has Past/ 1 Month Closer

Yesterday marked the one month since J passed away. Time has gone by so quickly, yet so slow at the same time. It seems longer. I moved C back to his own room last night for the first time since J had left for the hospital. I thought he would throw a fit but he thought it was pretty cool that I let him have my old ipod and his dad's docking station to listen to music as he went to sleep. He snuggled under J's quilt that C has always loved and seemed to be ok with going to sleep. Shortly after he came down the stair crying saying he missed his dad. He does this almost every other night. Partly because he does miss his dad and the other part to tug at my heartstrings and get me to let him stay up. Times like that I just don't know how to fix it. I wish J could just show up and wrap his arms around C and tell him it was going to be ok. We said prayers and asked if J could come visit C. I told him to just talk to his dad for a few min and then go to sleep. I didn't see C again, he fell fast asleep. I woke up at 6:30am and rolled over half expecting to see J there sleeping, snoring away. Half startled that I was alone. I often wonder if that feeling ever goes away. Do you ever stop having those thoughts when the phone rings and think Oh, that might be J. Or look at the clock and see that its 6pm and J should be home any min now, and look towards the door to see him walk through and K run screaming into her daddy's arms. I miss that. Every time now that K hears a motorcycle rumble she says Dada... so I ask her "does Daddy ride a motorcycle?" to which the answer is always yes and it makes me smile. J always wanted a motorcycle and always wanted to ride one. So it makes me feel like there is a connection there between a girl and her dad that no one else is gonna have. Kinda like his secret way of telling her that he's right there riding next to her always. This past Friday the kids and I decorated a small Christmas tree that we borrowed from my parents house. We hung lights and listened to some of J's favorite Christmas music and as much fun as the kids had you could feel that someone was missing from all the festivities... I'm sure he was watching us... just wishing he could be here... I guess I could look at as J's been gone for a month but on the other hand I think I would rather see it as we are one month closer to being with him again... and instead of that making me sad it makes me happy that we are one month closer to being together as a family again....

Truly Grateful

I've been thinking of the time that J had to spend with us, not just because Thanksgiving is just a day away but because it helps me get through the tough days. Although we were only married for just shy of 10 yrs in January we had 13 wonderful years together... C had 5 years with his dad and K 19 months with him. We've been lucky... I feel blessed that we were able to meet at such a young age J was 17 and I was 15... and we were pretty much inseparable since then.... just ask our parents. Some days are easier than others. But, everyday I think about J and think about how grateful I am that I had those years with him. That we have our two kids together. That although their time with them was cut short he will always be there for them. He'll always be their dad... Nothing will ever change that. I'm grateful that he'll always be able to be there when K has a dance recital or C has a ball game. They may not have their dad here physically but they will always have that special guardian angel to look over them. I'm grateful that J was able to have those 31 yrs on this earth. If I stop and think everyday what I'm grateful for even though J is gone I find myself feeling better. I know sometimes its hard for me to think of what to be grateful for without J in my life now but I think about all the things he did for me, for the kids, for everyone who's lives he has touched. I'm grateful for his outpouring of love for everyone. I'm grateful that he was always a friend to everyone and passed that trait onto C. I'm grateful that he showed me how much he loved me everyday and that my kids were able to see that, feel that. I'm grateful that he was an example of always caring and loving his family especially his extended family. I could go on and on... but most of all I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing J into our lives. We will be forever changed because he has been in our lives.
"Time is: Too slow for those who wait, Too swift for those who fear, Too long for those who grieve, Too short for those who rejoice, But for those who love, Time is eternity."
Time may have been too short while J was here and too long for those of us who grieve his loss but those who love him and those he loves time will always be eternity... and for that I'm truly grateful...

Closer Than Ever

In church today (Relief Society) we had a lesson on celestial marriages. And wouldn't you know it I got the quote about serving your spouse. I thought back over the last few months as J and went through this trial of cancer again and thought about how much closer we had become. I came to realize that it was not because he had cancer but because we were constantly serving each other. I was always concerned with him and how he felt and making sure his bandages were changed daily that his port was flushed and other things. He was always checking up on me making sure I had the breaks I needed. Making sure I got to do something for myself and was never thinking about himself even though he was sicker than sick at times. And because we were busy thinking about the other person, the little things didn't bug us. I think of how easy it is to love our children unconditionally but how hard is it to love your spouse or significant other unconditionally? As hard as these trials have been I'm grateful to know that before J died we both felt that unconditional love for one another. That there wasn't any question in either one of our minds about how we felt for one another. Cancer could have easily torn us apart if we had let it. But we chose to take it head on and make something good out of it. I miss J today. It seems like I can go for a few days without feeling like my world was torn apart, today was just kind of different. I half expected the phone to ring and hear his voice on the other line. But no matter how much I miss him I will always know how much he loves me and the kids and he proved that to me over and over again by serving me and never complaining about how hard his life was. For that I'm forever grateful. I'm grateful that he was able to feel my love for him as I served him and if I had to do it all over again I would...

My Daddy Rides A Harley

Yesterday as K and walked into a book store she looked over at a Harley motorcycle, pointed and said "Dada". I looked over and saw this bike parked there and kinda chuckled to myself wondering if she did see her daddy or if it was just a weird coincidence. See, J loved Harleys he really wanted to get one once everything was good and he had a clean bill of health. K doesn't know this... she is way to young to know that her dad loved motorcycles and has never really heard us talk about them. J never pointed them out to her either. We went about our business and walked back out of the bookstore. The bike still sat there and once again K started pointing this time getting more excited as she shouted "Dada, Dada!" I continued to walk with her and she continued to watch and say "Dada". We go to the car and I put her in the car and she seemed to be looking at someone who wasn't there. She continued to say "Dada" until I got into the car and drove off. I drove past the bike once more telling her to look out the window and no response from her as we passed the motorcycle. I turned and asked her if she had seen her Daddy and she responded by shaking her head yes... I think he visits her the most... maybe cause she is Daddy's girl or maybe cause she is so close to the veil... either way I love that she is able to feel his presence and know he's there. It makes the hard days a little less hard.