Half Alive

J is not quite feeling it. It seems to have hit him harder and faster than he thought. He can't seem to keep any food down and because of the way he is getting sick they want him to stay on nausea meds. He could possibly tear his esophagus or burst a capillary in his eyes so they are closely watching him. He's been on a number of different meds and nothing seems to be calming the nausea. As I was there this afternoon the nurse came in and said they were going to give him another med that seems to have good results and seems to help out a lot of people. Hopefully this will work otherwise he is constantly doped up Adivant and sleeps all the time and I know he doesn't like being that way. Time seems to go by so slow. It seems like he's been gone for 10 days not 4. J said to me that this had better work (the chemo treatment) or he was going to be really mad. I'm sure at time he feels like he's half alive and this isn't the worst part yet. Next week is supposed to be when his counts will drop and he'll probably be on IV nutrition. But there is a line from a song I was listening to on my way to see J ..."Believe me when I say it's hard. We'll get through this tonight And I know one day you and I will be free..." The combo of being away from the kids and me and being sick is wearing on him. He's disappointed in missing out on the things the kids are doing but I just remind him that there is always next year. He's gonna be here for that next year and that's what counts. They aren't going to remember that he wasn't here for Halloween or other activities. They'll remember the years to come when he was there and that's what is most important right now. Despite J feeling sick he still has me take his pictures and is smiling in all of them. (he looks like he is sunburned but it is a side effect of the chemo that is excreting from his skin.)He is still a fighter and isn't about to give that up. C and K seem to have their days. Monday was a hard night and as the days go by things get a little easier for somethings. C asked if he could go see his dad at the hospital yesterday and I had to tell him that he was too far away and that maybe they could web cam with him. Luckily, J was up to it and the kids were able to see J. C seemed to be satisfied with that even though its not the same. K seemed to get a kick out of seeing her dad and both kids were happy to see him and blew kisses and told him that they loved him. That seemed to brighten J as well. When I was talking with J and showing him pics of K, I showed him one of her talking on the phone. I remember taking the picture as she squealed with delight. Turned out that she had called J's cell phone but he had missed the call and she had heard his voice. We were able to figure that out by what time the call was that he missed and looking at what time I took the picture. Just the sound of his voice made her a happy girl. C and I made a chain countdown that hangs in J's room. He has me tear one off every day and each ring says different things. I know this is another things that helps keep him going. Knowing that we are at home taking a link off everyday too and waiting for him to be able to come home. Thank you for the love and prayers. Please pray that these new meds will work for J's nausea. He just wants to feel better. I know that it'll take sometime and that its hard but with everyone's prayers we will all make it through these tough times. I just wanted to leave with this view from J's room. Not too shabby...