He's Had Better Days

I'm sitting here next to J as he sleeps and I type this up on my phone. Tonight has been a different kind of visit. I walked in to find him looking like he'd been hit by a truck and from the sounds of it he feels that way too. They gave him more meds for the nausea and the size 8 headache he has and he's drifted off to sleep. He gets his last dose of 24 hr. chemo tonight. He just keeps saying one more night over and over again. He's ready to come home and we are ready to have him home even if it means he lies on the couch most of the time. The kids have been able to see him and should be able to continue to see him as long as his white blood cell count stays up. C seems to be pretending that things are normal and doesn't want to talk to or visit J. I'm sure its just his way of coping with things. At times he becomes emotional over the littlest things which makes life a challenge but we get through it. K is always wanting to go see her daddy and eagerly awaits him to walk through the double doors but is soon scared off by the machine and IV's that J is constantly attached to. I think she thinks that he won't be hooked up each time she sees him. She took one look at him today and whimpered. When J tried to put his arm around her she pulled it off and pushed him away. I could tell that hurt J. It broke my heart to see the Daddy's girl scared to be near cause of all the tubes. I know things will be better once he is home and life will seem normal to the kids with dad home. Even if it is for a short while.

Tuesday Update

It's Tuesday and I'm doing alright. The last few days were a bit hard, being tired and a little sick. Today is better, partly due to some pain pills (my body is sore from the bed), my appetite is better today. They started giving me small insulin shots to offset the extra sugar from a steroid that they have me on. They are also going to give me a shot to prevent blood clots due to the stay here. My doc came to see me and was very pleased with the reduction in the Lymph Node on my neck. So just one more full day then I can get out of here!

On a side note I would like to thank Kristen & Freeman for the DVD they gave me and the food. I would also like to thank Kent for the magazines. I also need to thank the Roberts for the goodies and magazine they brought as well. Thanks for all the support from everyone!

He's Ready to Get Out Of There

I got back from seeing J a couple of hours ago. He says he feels so Blah, mainly. He's getting tired from the chemo and now because of the steroids he had to have an insulin shot while I was there due to his blood sugar being high. He is so ready to be done and over this. He's tired of lying in a hospital bed and frankly I don't blame him. I want him to be home too. He should finish up his chemo sometime Wednesday night but they won't release him till Thursday. Only 3 more nights and 2 days. It seems like a lifetime but we will get through it. It'll make the next round seem so short compared to his 8 day and 9 night stint there. His pulmonary (lung) doctor came in and saw him today and said that he wanted to follow up with him in 6 weeks. J is ready to beat this cancer once and for all. Thanks to my sister who brought a fun goody basket and words of encouragement he now sports one of those roadside cones on his IV cart that says "Keep Going". That's what he needs to hear for the next couple of days just to keep going and that the end of this round is in sight. Thanks Amy for the fun stuff you gave him. I read him all the jokes and got a little laugh out of him. Thank you to all of those you fasted for him or just thought of him or said a little prayer for him. Say a little prayer for him that these next few days will fly by.

Saturday Update

Well, another day in the books. Doing well, all the visitors helped, thanks!!!

The doctor came in and gave us the official results that it is the same cancer I fought last time. He also said that I am category 3a which means that the cancer has not reached any vital organs! So things are looking good and we will get this beat!

I appreciate all the comments on the blog. Well... that's all I can think of for now. Good night and I will update tomorrow.

One Day Down Four to Go

J's chemo started around 8pm last night and so far he is doing great. His spirit seems to stay strong and I can tell he appreciates all the visitors. It really helps him to pass the time. We love reading all the comments and support that everyone has shown us. That has really helped us get through all of this. He has such a good attitude about it all that people comment how upbeat his despite his current situation. He wouldn't be doing good if he didn't keep up his spirit and everyone has helped with that so much. The kids are doing good. K seems to be affected the most by all of this just because of J being gone and then me leaving her from time to time. We have a lot of little prayers with her which seems to help her be strong. Its hard for a toddler to understand what is going on and not feel like everyone she knows is leaving her. C seems to understand that J has to be gone so that his back will get better and seems to be coping with that fairly well. Anyone who would like to join in on the fast is more than welcome to. We appreciate every prayer and good thought. The more positive energy out there the better so thank you.

Friday Update

Well the order for the chemo to start has come. This means that the biopsy showed that the cancer is the same testicular cancer as before. If it had been anything else the Doc would have called me. This is good as we know testicular is the easiest to beat. I got the PICC line (a semi-permanent line to a major artery) put in so no more poking! They will start hydration at 4 and then the chemo drugs at 8. I can have visitors at any time.

I would like to thank DTR and SOCO for the nice flower arrangements they sent! I would also like to thank those who are doing the special fast for me. I love and appreciate you all.

Fasting

For anyone interested there is a fast for J scheduled for starting at 4pm Saturday 8/16 and ending Sunday 8/17 at 4pm.

Thursday Night Update

Well, its Thursday night and the tests are all done. I've done a Pet/CT Scan, X-Rays, Biopsy, MRI, Blood work and Pulmonary tests. The Pet scan showed what the doc already figured. The Cancer is back and in my Lymph nodes. Now we wait for the biopsy report to confirm that it is the testicular cancer and not some other type. I will post when I know.

I have been moved to a private room and can receive visitors older than 12 and in good health until 8 P.M. If you are sick or think you might be you cannot come into the Oncology ward. Contact me, E or my parents for room number and directions.

Thanks,
J

Saying Goodbye

J's doctor told him that once he starts the chemo that he will probably be restricting the kids from visiting him and that he should probably see them today. K got a special treat and got to see J while C was at school. She got so excited and I haven't seen her smile that big and be so happy since he left for the hospital. She really does miss her daddy and knows something is up.

After I picked C up at school we headed back to the hospital and picked up a cookie and some Propel for a snack and headed up to meet J. C told him that the "doctor said" J couldn't drink any soda because it wouldn't make his back all better and that he needed to drink special water and whatever else he wanted but not soda. J told C about his surgery on his neck and told him that he'd have a scar there just like C's arm surgery and C's reply was "Oh, Cool!"

The kids were able to spend about an hour with him and say their goodbye's. It makes me sad that they can't see him but it is for the best.

Reality Stinks

I don't know where to begin... I feel exhausted. I'm just trying to keep the kids lives as normal as possible. I think it helps to take and pick C up from school just so he knows that I'm there for him and that life is trying to stay as normal as possible. I'm just trying to keep life upbeat as best as I can, going to the gym every morning and coming home and keeping routine is all I can do right now without totally feeling like my world is crashing down all around me. J's doctor said today was the day the kids needed to see their dad because after chemo starts they may be restricted from seeing him because of the drugs. C seems to be doing ok with the fact that his dad is gone. He does ask if his back is better but seems to be hanging in there. K however, has problems at night sleeping. She cries whenever I walk towards the crib and after a family prayer on the phone she (which she asked for) she seemed to be ok with the fact that daddy wasn't home and went to sleep and slept all night. C has wanted to sleep with me and that's ok given the circumstances. I guess its his way of knowing that I'm ok at night and doesn't have to wake up and feel scared. Although it is only day 3 it seems as though its been 20. I'm not even really sure what day it is anymore. I'm sure J feels the same way after all the poking and prodding they did to him yesterday. They just took him back for his MRI to see what is causing his sciatica pain. I think that is the worst part of it all. That constant pain for him and being given pain meds all the time for it keeps him out of it at times. He is really going to need visitors over the next couple of days just to help keep him from being bored out of his mind so please don't hesitate to contact us and see if he is up for a visitor. He'd love it. This all seems like a bad dream that I can't wake from. I woke up from a dream this morning where it seemed so real that we were all together as a family just doing everyday stuff that we all seem to take for granted until that's taken away in a matter of minuets. Nothing every prepares you for this. There isn't a guide book on what to expect or what is going to all happen because every case is different. I'm just going to keep taking it one day at a time and I know things will get better. The doctor came in and spoke to J and told him that he wasn't starting chemo until the pathologist has looked at the lymph node they took out yesterday which could take anywhere from 2 -4 days. I'm really hoping that they can start tomorrow just so J can come home and be home for C's b-day next week. We will see. Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts.

On His Way to Recovery

J's surgeon just came and talked to J's mom and I. The surgery went well and he is now in recovery. We are waiting to see him in his room in about 15- 30 min. The surgeon removed half of the lymph node which was the size of a golf ball and he said he could tell that it was malignant. He said he has removed enough of them to know that it was cancer and that he couldn't remove more than that with out extensive surgery and removing neck muscle and tissue. Also knowing that the cancer was in other areas like the lungs he saw no good reason to remove the whole lymph node. The results will be back in 4 days but we are pretty sure the doctor will start chemo right away knowing the cancer is there. They should have the results of the PET scan by tomorrow if not sooner and we will know exactly where the cancer is. I will update more as info comes about.

Surgery & Testing

I just got off the phone with J. He just told me that they will NOT be doing a local anesthesia and biopsying the lymph node that is a golf ball sized. Because of where it is they have to do surgery and put him under and take a chunk out to biopsy it. The surgeon however said that nothing else makes these lymph nodes that size other than cancer so that 5% chance that it wasn't the cancer is pretty much confirmed. The surgery will be between 4:30 and 5pm this evening. He doesn't know how long the surgery will be and he will have a 2 inch scar where they cut it out. He also has his PET scan today at 1:30pm and will NOT be allowed around little children for 6 hours afterward so the kids probably will not be able to see him today. He wanted me to update you all because he is on pain killers because of his sciatic nerve that has been hurting him these last couple of days. He will try and update after his surgery. We are hoping to get the results of his tests by Thursday which means he would start the chemo on Thursday but most likely for sure on Friday. I'm not sure but I think the lung specialist will also be into see him today to check out his lungs and see if it is the cancer on his lungs. The PET scan will also confirm if it is cancer on his lungs. Please keep him in your prayers as he under goes the surgery and tests today.

I'm Here...

Well, here I am! Only blood work tonight. Tomorrow brings a PET scan, lung exams, surgery consult for the biopsy of the lymph node that's swelled on my neck. I'll post updates as I can. Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes!!!!

Bed for One Please...

J has finally gotten a bed. They called us at 6:20pm and said he needed to be there within 2 hours. We finished up dinner and got the kids ready for bed, played games and had a family prayer before heading to the hospital to get him admitted. My mom was able to stay with the kids so that I could go with him and get him settled in. He is in a semi private room right now with no roommate and they said they'd try and keep it that way tonight until they can get him his private room some time tomorrow hopefully. They took all his vitals and when I left they were getting his blood work done. Tomorrow they will hopefully be able to get his PET scan done and some of the other orders. We aren't sure when the PET scan will be done because he has to be put on the hospital list. Anyone is welcome to visit him. Children ARE NOT allowed to visit inside the Oncology ward but he can come outside into the lobby which is good because C is looking forward to being able to at least see his dad at the hospital and know that he is ok. I was a little heartbroken when I heard that just because we had heard that kids could come inside. But as long as they will be able to see him in the lobby it will be alright. That is the update for tonight. J is going to try and post more updates when he can from the hospital. Thanks again for all the love and support and your prayers. We love you all.

Still Waiting......

J here, just heard from my Doc's office that the hospital is short staffed and thus its taken a while to get me a bed. They say it should be within the next hour. The hard part is by the time I get in it will probably be too late for tests, but I can't risk loosing the bed so I have to go.

Life Altering

We saw the doctor yesterday afternoon. The news is that the cancer is back. He is 95% certain that it is. This is called recurrence testicular cancer. He is being admitted to the hospital when they call us today that they have a bed for him to start the tests. He will have a surgeon to biopsy the lump, a lung specialist to look at his lungs because he has spots on his lungs and they aren't sure if it is the cancer again or the result of a drug called bleomioson(not sure of the spelling) from his last treatments. They will also run a pet scan in which they inject radioactive sugars into his body and the cancer cells eat up the sugar and glow allowing them to see where the cancer is and allowing them to stage his cancer and course a plan of action. The reason the doctor is admitting him right away is because his blood markers are showing up normal and that is puzzling the doctor and so if he admits him to the hospital they will get the tests done sooner and get him started on what is called salvage chemotherapy. This is a constant drip of chemo for 24 hours straight 5 days on and 2-3 weeks off. This is a more aggressive chemo and this is why he has to be hospitalized for it. The doctor seems to feel that since he responded so well the first time that he'll have a good response to this too. There is a 70% chance that it will work and that is more than any other cancer out there so that is a good thing. We were thinking we'd have a week to get everything in order and now we have less than 24 hours to get our lives together and to be able to run with out him. The hardest part is seeing C so sad. He was sad as he went to bed last night and just wants J's back to feel better. We told him last night that J had to go to the hospital so that the doctor could give him special medicine to feel better. He then wanted me to say a special prayer for J and C climbed up on his lap and placed his hands on his head. Kids certainly learn by example. J was able to get a special blessing from his dad with help from his cousin, bro in law and uncle last night. We were able to have that peace of mind that everything will be ok. That his body will be able to rid itself of the cancer and that he would be around to help raise our family. That in itself is a blessing. We are so grateful for every one's support and love and appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. I'm still trying to get my head around all of this and trying to figure out who I need to talk to and what needs to be done. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. I will keep this updated on his progress and if anyone is interested in seeing pictures of the process as we go along I will be posting these on my private blog. Because we wish to keep some stuff like pictures of the kids and J private. If you don't have access to it and wish to be able to see that please leave a separate comment with your email. These comments are moderated and will not be published with public info.

Nervousness

I can't help but have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach today. I don't know if it is a combo of things seeing as C starts school today and as soon as that is over we find out the truth. What's gonna be happening in the next several months. How our lives are gonna change again. I know we've been down this path before but this time is a little different. There are 2 kids involved; they are older, more to deal with. I'm nervous if I can handle all of this. Am I strong enough for all of us? Can I be the mom and wife that I need to be and handle the added responsibilities? J seems to have total faith in me. I know he's scared, nervous, not wanting to do this again. I don't blame him. I know he's trying to be strong right now so the kids don't see it. We are playing a game of pretend. Trying to keep the kids happy and not letting on that their world as they know it will change to some sort of degree. I'll try my best to keep things on schedule and as normal as possible. C is just more receptive to people; how they feel and making sure that they are ok. I know with J's attitude of lets just do this and get it over with we will be ok. That we will make it. It still makes me nervous just because we don't know all the facts yet. I'm just gonna try and keep myself busy try and keep my mind off of all of this. One of my fears is just bursting into tears in the middle of a public place and having people stare at me. I don't want people to feel sorry for us. Things are gonna be ok. He beat it once and he can do it again.

Kids Are Very Perceptive

J said that C seemed a little sad last night as they said prayers together and he had him bless everyone. The first time everything happened C was 3 years old and knew something was up but we never sat down and talked to him about it. C will be 5 in a matter of weeks and I know we will have to talk to him about it all. It just makes me sad to see him sad. K also seemed to know what was going on. She woke up around 1:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep. When I asked her if she wanted to go see Daddy she shook her head yes with her sad little lip pouting and I took her into the bed to see him. She lay on his chest for a moment and when he asked if she was ready to go back to her crib she slid off and snuggled next to him. Almost as though she didn't want to leave him. I think she senses something is wrong too.

Today is Supposed to Be Lucky...

So many people say that today is a lucky day. That 8-8-08 is the luckiest day and won't happen again for another 100 years. I don't know if I believe in luck anymore. At least not after this morning. J went in for his regular doctor appointment and they had the results of his CT that he took on Monday 8/4. They results should preliminary findings that the lump on his neck is a lymphatic tumor. Which more than likely means that the cancer is back. J came home and having left hoping that maybe it was just his thyroid came home disheartened and wasn't sure if he wanted to tell me. Once he told me I just couldn't believe it... this wasn't supposed to happen again. This wasn't supposed to come back. The pumped him with so much chemo so fast and hard that it was supposed to get rid of it all. My world was crashing down and I had to hurry and finish getting ready for J's cousin's wedding. I had to put on my happy face and pretend that I hadn't heard bad news. I think it is harder for someone to tell you that they have cancer or that the cancer is back than having to hear those words. I don't know how to explain to a 5 year old that his daddy has cancer again or how to make a 17 month old understand that daddy is sick and doesn't feel well. I'm sure the kids sense that something is wrong. I just don't want to say too much until we know everything. We will find out what is the next step on Monday. Until then we are just trying to act like everything is normal that our world is stable and not falling apart. At least we have each other. I guess that does make today a little lucky...

A Lump on the Neck

J found a lump on his neck this morning. He was able to get into the doctor and they gave him some strong antibiotics and changed his CT to include his neck which he will have on Monday. We should know the results of that when he goes to see the Oncologist on Monday the 11th.