Learning to Dance in the Rain

Yesterday marked 4 months since J passed away. Its strange how I can forget about time... forget what day it is. Not remember the date all month along but the 1st comes and it hits me. I remember. I'm taken back to that day. I miss him. I feel like it was yesterday. But, the heartache isn't the same. I will always love him but this heart of mine is healing. I was in C's room putting stuff away and looked up at the pictures of J that I have hanging in his wall and I just started to cry. I miss J. I was crying because of the memories we had made together. I started to pray that J would be able to visit me tonight. That he'd come and let me know its ok to move on. That everything is ok. I know he would want me to move forward and fall in love again. I just want that reassurance. That peace that I already feel to some degree but need to feel it from him as well. So when you pray tonight pray that I will have that peace in my heart, in my home, for me and for my kids. Pray that J will visit me and let me know. I can look back and see over these past 4 months how far I've come. That I've learned to dance in the rain and not just weather the storm. I know time will continue to go by and I will continue to heal and start to find that love again in my life. And yet at times I can see how far I've come yet the wound still feels fresh as if yesterday. I know time will take that away but till then how do you take that sadness away? All I know to do is cry... let myself feel this way...let it all out. Let those bottled up emotions go. I feel like two different people at the same time. The first girl is crying because of what she's lost and the second girl is feeling so happy and alive because of where her life is going. How its changed. Both feeling opposite feelings. Feeling the happiness and the sadness at the same time. Its overwhelming... a struggle at times. But, all this is making me stronger, helping me heal & its ok. I will be ok. I'm happy...