Mixed Emotions

I've had J's truck stuffed to the brim with items that needed to be donated for almost 6 weeks. Mostly his clothes and things that just didn't hold any real meaning that need to be held onto were in the truck. As I started up his truck today to take everything down to be donated I smiled. I sat there for a minute listening to the rumble of his truck that I'd always hear come 6pm. I backed out of the driveway looked at the passenger side and said out loud "Wanna go for a ride Jeff?". It was kinda our time. I don't know if he was there. I never sensed anything but for a little while I felt as though I didn't have a care in the world. I was in my own little world. At peace with where my life had been, where it is and where it is going. I felt happy. Felt like I was moving forward and felt that peace of healing. As I drove down the freeway, every now and then I'd look at the back of the truck and see the bags of clothing and other items that belonged to J and felt a little sad. Almost like I was unloading a huge piece of my life. In a sense I was. As I helped the guy unload everything from the truck I felt that sadness go away. It was only stuff. It wasn't who he was. I kept anything that had meaning, that would remind my kids of him someday. It was just a strange feeling to be happy yet sad at the same time. Sad to see that part of my life be gone that I had sitting in my garage, and to see that everyday. But, happy that I was able to move forward with my life and feel good about it. Feel like J was there pushing me along as I'm sure he does everyday. Giving me the strength to keep going when I just want to throw in the towel. I spent a good 45 min. driving around in that truck. I didn't realize how much I had missed riding in that truck. It was J's baby. He loved that truck. It helped me feel connected to him and at peace at the same time. The first time I ever drove the truck after he died I felt a lot of sadness. This time it was just a joy ride and I liked that. I haven't taken the truck out that often but I might now more, just so I can ask him if he wants to go for a ride with me...