Ever feel like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try that every time you turn around you hit a brick wall? Lately that's how I've felt. I've been trying to get everything wrapped up with all the financial aspects of J & I's lives. Trying to put back the pieces of my life that have been shattered into a million little pieces. I feel the pressure to get every little detail tied up and finished so that I can feel like my life is on track again. And not veering out of control down a one way street. And on top of that all I seem to be constantly hitting a brick wall with C. No matter what I do or say he just pushes me to my limits. Tests me every day. Stresses me to the max till I break. And on those days I feel like I should just throw in the towel and give up. But I can't. I can't give up on anything. On those days I really wish I could just step to the side and have J be there to step in and take C aside and explain to him how much he is hurting me, how hard it is on a daily basis to just be his mom and how hard I'm trying to play the role of mom, dad and financial person at the same time. Trying to hold this household together but, feeling like I'm failing miserably. Its interesting to me to look back over the past 5 months and see how far I've come. How much I've changed. And to see how different of a person I've become. I feel like I've been split down the middle, torn in two and I can see the person I used to be and the person I've become and continue to become. Its not a bad thing. All these experiences although rough, sad, stressful, heartbreaking have made me who I am. Changed me for the good I hope. I often wonder why Heavenly Father has trusted me with this trial. Wondered why He has so much faith in me to be in this role of single mom. Why He thinks or I should say knows I can do this. Because often more days than not I'd rather give it all up, I want a different life. I want to have that sense of family back. Feel whole again, not only as a family but as a person. I know I have to be patient and things will all work themselves out over time. Time heals all. But, right now, time and I aren't exactly the best of friends. I feel time slowly going by on the days I'm stressed to the max and yet when I look back on things I start to think where did the time go? I can't believe that it is going by so quickly and I think about the things that have happened with the kids and watching K grow up right before my very eyes and wonder how much J sees. Does he see her learning how to open the fridge just to throw a dozen eggs all over the floor, does he see how proud C is to be able to order his own food and pay for it at the fast food restaurant. Does he see me at times struggling with the day to day tasks. Does he see me when I am happy? I have my days where I'm worn and I have my days where I'm starting to feel my heart healing and I feel like everything is going to be ok. That things will turn around and just keep getting better. I have to constantly remind myself that J wouldn't want me to be stressed because of everything I have to do. But I can't help it. These things are just things that have to be done and once they are done, they will be a distant memory. Never to be thought of again. And I will be totally and completely happy. I'm starting to feel happy. Be happy. I just have my days. Nothing is easy and I shouldn't think for a second that it is going to be. Because anything worth in this life isn't easy but it is worth fighting for. J's battle wasn't easy but he saw what was worth fighting for and for me this battle isn't easy but its worth fighting for, to get myself back, find myself, even if that is a new self. To be able to find and have happiness again in my life. To feel whole again. So bring it on. I'm stubborn and I'm not ready to give up. I will face this trial and because of it, everyday I'm a stronger person. Whether I like it or not, this makes me stronger. And I am stronger... stronger than I ever imagined possible.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Hitting a Brick Wall
Ever feel like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try that every time you turn around you hit a brick wall? Lately that's how I've felt. I've been trying to get everything wrapped up with all the financial aspects of J & I's lives. Trying to put back the pieces of my life that have been shattered into a million little pieces. I feel the pressure to get every little detail tied up and finished so that I can feel like my life is on track again. And not veering out of control down a one way street. And on top of that all I seem to be constantly hitting a brick wall with C. No matter what I do or say he just pushes me to my limits. Tests me every day. Stresses me to the max till I break. And on those days I feel like I should just throw in the towel and give up. But I can't. I can't give up on anything. On those days I really wish I could just step to the side and have J be there to step in and take C aside and explain to him how much he is hurting me, how hard it is on a daily basis to just be his mom and how hard I'm trying to play the role of mom, dad and financial person at the same time. Trying to hold this household together but, feeling like I'm failing miserably. Its interesting to me to look back over the past 5 months and see how far I've come. How much I've changed. And to see how different of a person I've become. I feel like I've been split down the middle, torn in two and I can see the person I used to be and the person I've become and continue to become. Its not a bad thing. All these experiences although rough, sad, stressful, heartbreaking have made me who I am. Changed me for the good I hope. I often wonder why Heavenly Father has trusted me with this trial. Wondered why He has so much faith in me to be in this role of single mom. Why He thinks or I should say knows I can do this. Because often more days than not I'd rather give it all up, I want a different life. I want to have that sense of family back. Feel whole again, not only as a family but as a person. I know I have to be patient and things will all work themselves out over time. Time heals all. But, right now, time and I aren't exactly the best of friends. I feel time slowly going by on the days I'm stressed to the max and yet when I look back on things I start to think where did the time go? I can't believe that it is going by so quickly and I think about the things that have happened with the kids and watching K grow up right before my very eyes and wonder how much J sees. Does he see her learning how to open the fridge just to throw a dozen eggs all over the floor, does he see how proud C is to be able to order his own food and pay for it at the fast food restaurant. Does he see me at times struggling with the day to day tasks. Does he see me when I am happy? I have my days where I'm worn and I have my days where I'm starting to feel my heart healing and I feel like everything is going to be ok. That things will turn around and just keep getting better. I have to constantly remind myself that J wouldn't want me to be stressed because of everything I have to do. But I can't help it. These things are just things that have to be done and once they are done, they will be a distant memory. Never to be thought of again. And I will be totally and completely happy. I'm starting to feel happy. Be happy. I just have my days. Nothing is easy and I shouldn't think for a second that it is going to be. Because anything worth in this life isn't easy but it is worth fighting for. J's battle wasn't easy but he saw what was worth fighting for and for me this battle isn't easy but its worth fighting for, to get myself back, find myself, even if that is a new self. To be able to find and have happiness again in my life. To feel whole again. So bring it on. I'm stubborn and I'm not ready to give up. I will face this trial and because of it, everyday I'm a stronger person. Whether I like it or not, this makes me stronger. And I am stronger... stronger than I ever imagined possible.
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11 comments:
First of all, that's a great photo of you Emily!
I wish I could think of something postive and inspirational to say right now but I think I'm tired and I'm in the mood right now were I really think that time sucks! I can think of way too many moments, days, weeks, months in my life were time just sucked bullets. Even if I was feeling happy and great there would still be this one major thing sometimes two major things that just made time really want me to do nothing but say swear words or something. Errr! Don't tell my Mom I said that. Of course I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up reading this at some point. Geez, I better go to bed before I get in trouble.
Anyway, I don't know why we each get picked to go through certain trials in life but you're right, it does make you stronger. Even if you don't want to be. You do grow and you do get stronger in was you never imagined.
Hoping there's no "brick walls" in your day tomorrow. Take care.
It's so natural for children to always want the parent that's not there. Even if they are gone just for a weekend..... they don't want to be disciplined.... they want to be rescued....so they think the other parent will do that. You are the parent doing it all so of course you are not the parent they want right now....But they are so blessed to have you. Some day they will be old enough to appreciate you. Thank goodness you are stubborn it's a great characteristic.....We love you!
I know how hard it is sometimes to be a mom when there are two parents, so I can only imagine how hard it is when you are trying to do it alone.
Financial issues are so stressful anyways, is there anyone you can ask to help? Maybe a YW in your ward that can come over and play with the kids while you focus a couple of hours on working out your financial stuff.
The only thing I have ever found that keeps me from hitting a wall when I am stressed is just to stop doing what is stressing me out. Give yourself a day off from trying to do the financial stuff. Take Saturday (when most of the places won't be open) and just relax. Play with your kids.
You are still in so many prayers.
Emily,
Though we don't know each other I am a friend of LeNells. My mother always told me that God would never give me more than I could handle and my response was does He know who he is dealing with? I have often had some of the same questions as you and the answers are there just not always what we want and not as obvious as we would like. I had to look a lot of times for the answers. I would like to make a suggestion that you may or may not be aware of and I would hate to add to the list of things for you to do. Contact Social Security because I am sure that your children are entitled to draw it and because they are young you also can draw until they are a certain age (the youngest age 6 I think). It may not be all that you need but it will help I am sure. May God bless you and make sure to take a day every week for yourself. You need and deserve that time. I will pray for peace for you and your children.
Wow Emily! You are so strong, I have seen you rise to the chalenge and I am so impressed! At the same time I can only imaginge how this is and not fun, growing is painful! I am keeping you in my prayers and I would love to take your kids...should I come and grab them so you can have a much needed break? We do all love you!!!!
Your entry reads like a Psalm from the bible...honest desperation...pain...struggle and yet at the end the determination to make it through whatever comes and again realizing that God is faithful to keep His promises. You talk about being "happy" again...I would imagine that as you come through all of this in the end you will be cultivating real "Joy" in your life more than happiness...a joy that doesn't fade regardless of your circumstances in life. I think all of us tend to feel like failures in parenting...our flaws are highlighted...the stress of getting it right...not wanting to screw up our children...the reality of knowing how important a job it is to parent our kids well... it all tends to weigh in on our hearts and minds. God is our Redeemer...he redeems the mistakes we make along the way...covers it all with His grace and love...take a deep breath, it sounds like you're doing the best you can...God will make up the difference and by all means whoever is offering to help you out with hands on practical help...take them up on it:). Even though I don't know you it's obvious you have many people who love you and your kids and are willing to help...so from one single mom to another...my advice is take them up on it and take some time for yourself.
Ruth
Em, I dont know what to say this morning. I feel completely out of control in my life and wondering too why the Lord has chosen me to go through this trial of children. Another doctors appointment yesterday and things are so unexplainable. It takes great courage to move forward in life with faith and I see that in you. So sorry about the trials and hard days, I wish I could just take it all away for you even if its just for a day. I know things will contiune to change and be better, I'm still really counting on our year we promised each other. And, Kent bought a new computer and I dont know how to install IM so thats why we havent talked as much, I totally miss you so can you help me figure out how to get it back onto this new computer?? Thanks
Emily you continue to amaze me by your wonderful attitude and positive outlook. Heavenly Father knows you so well and knows you can do hard things and that you will come out with flying colors. I waved to you and school picking up Carter. I was trying to get your attention to bring Carter by. Blake would love to have a play day with him. Let me know what day works out next week. We are good pretty much any day.
I think you are doing a great job. I always think of you when I'm having a hard day and I say to myself, that is Emily can be strong, so can I. Ihope you are doing good. I think of you often. Take care. KIT
Hi!
I have been reading your blog for awhile and I wanted to offer my prayers and support to you. I also came across this:
http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/
It is a brand new foundation offering newly widowed parents extra financial support. God bless you and your family!
Em-
You are amazing! I have tears in my eyes for you and the kids. For Paula's kids. For anyone out there who has lost someone.
K and C are so very blessed to have you as their mom. They will always know J and how much he loved them because of you. I don't know first hand the struggles you go through, I know the loss of someone you love (not the same as you). Sometimes I do not understand the "plan" God has in store but I know you are strong. I know that even though today you don't want to keep going, and there, as you know, will be many more...that you will keep going.
You, K, and C are always in my prayers.
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