Friday, February 12, 2010
Missing J
Its almost 4am & here I am wide awake, unable to find sleep. A million thoughts running through my head. Finding myself thinking things over & over. Replaying the last time I saw J alive in my head, what I said & how even though 15 months has past its so vivid in my mind & everytime I meet someone new & I end up telling my story, I can't help but cry. I find myself now thinking about J, missing him. I miss talking to him & hearing his stupid jokes he thought were hilarious but really weren't. I miss hearing his laugh & seeing him smile when K would snuggle in close to him. I miss watching him & C play a video game together. I don't normally admit that I miss him, at least not out loud. Maybe I want to prove I'm stronger than I really am. Maybe I don't want to admit it cause it makes me look emotional & vunerable & I don't like that. I'm told I wear my emotions on my sleeve & that's kind of a hard pill for me to swallow cause I tend to not like to talk about my emotions or how I feel, cause I see it as a weakness in me. Easier for me to "pretend" that I'm okay, yet I'm easily seen through & it makes me feel vunerable. Maybe I don't admit that I miss J cause I don't want to be vunerable, or make others feel uncomfortable because I'm liable to burst into tears. But, right now I don't care to be strong, I'd rather admit that ya, I'm missing him & I know I always will, just sometimes it will be stronger than others & that's okay, admitting it might just be another step towards my healing & my growth as a person. And that's okay with me.
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3 comments:
I would imagine you'll always miss him and I think that's a good thing. That shows how much you loved him and how wonderful he was.
Ya know, you always make me want to be a better person! Love that!
I always think about how I would feel as I can't begin to relate as I never lost my spouse. Sure my ex cheated on me and they say a divorce is like a death and the problems they cause you, like it took 6 months to heal that being single with 2 children, one with autism etc. and that was 15 years ago. I knew in my heart I never wanted to be with him again, but, I healed. Of coarse that story is so different then completely losing a spouse. I mean it would be hard now for me and i would admit. I guess Emily society can be so cruel and mean at times and everyone thinks people just need to get over it or go forward. Our Priest at our church at funerals always after his sermon whispers in the spouse or families ears. I always wanted to know what he told them till Joe died, my friend Judy's husband, 3 years ago, she told me he said there is no time frame for your grieving, and don't listen to those that say move out, get over it. Until you wear those shoes, you will never know. I have learn so much though about death, that is why I started Project Flowers to furnish all cemetaries in Arizona with flowers in the lonely vases with none.
God bless you Emily for all you have done and then for having a new life! Continue to do or feel like you have to or want to! Your doing good! :)
I think you'll always miss him. Even though life still happens, it's ok to miss those you love. It's ok for people to know how you feel. You are surrounded by lots of people who love you!
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